project organization: step 2, rediscovering… found exerpts

I have a lot of notebooks. There’s something about hand written letters and prose that’s.. it’s an artful experience in the process itself. Expression. The feel of a pen. The paper underneath your palm. The motions of scrawling away.. fast.. slow.. constant.. etcetera.

While working away at a project this weekend, I found a few of them. I will be posting more here and there periodically as I find them.

It’s interesting to explore and see how much things have changed.. and yet somehow also remained the same in many ways- as you will notice as I post. The only way a person will fully understand themselves is if they recognize where they failed and do something to correct their lifestyle.

Here are some excerpts from a journal that I started while in San Diego- when I was dating a local artist/photographer:

***

“Not Just Yet”

Today I went out with Aaron for a bit. I bought him a Morrissey cd- his favorite it turned out. How would I know that? It was a mere guess? Maybe my subconscious was talking to me.

Pappa and I had a major ruckus. We’re going to go our separate ways again.. I have lost most all respect for him.

Aaron and I just talked…he said “If I were to get into an exclusive short term or long relationship, I know it would be with you.. You’re the one I want to be with in the end.”

But alas! Not yet…

All I’ve ever wanted was for someone to hold me and tell me “everything is going to be alright.”

***

“The Day After”

Here it is the day after my romp with my beloved Aaron… how right I was in my realization. Yes.. all men have their cycles. His is 5 days. Well I don’t know. I could be wrong.

I got to his apartment yesterday to take care of my ill stricken gent. We visited a friend of his, Kenneth, came by and we became sociable. The two gentleman conversed about their art forms. I was privileged enough to be able to add my commentary.

***

“Bassam’s Cafe”

We went on a photo shoot instead of print week. I was dressed all Brit… Aaron surprised me by pulling out his camera.. him having said “Did I tell you how lovely you look today?” earlier at a Vietnamese doughnut and coffee shop.

I blushed.

He has a way of making me blush.

Walking the streets downtown on the way to print week he took photos. He made me laugh.

We stopped at this cozy little spot called “Bassam’s Cafe.”

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Project: life organization- step 1

A couple of weeks ago I went on a date with a gentleman who I’ll just call Vegas.  He moved here not too long ago after a series of unfortunate events that ultimately lead him to eventually get his dream job- working as an artist in a land of childish animation.

I forget exactly how we started talking exactly, but once we started… we were doing it daily.  He asked me out shortly after but I’d been very busy with things going on that it didn’t happen until recently.

He lives on in a different area of town.  It was difficult to coordinate schedules.  I almost made the drive out there on Friday… but I was busy working on something that we’d talked about.

He came out here for sushi and conversation.  We traded stories about how we both ended up in LA.  About failed relationships, broken hearts, and steps forward.

I’d been going through some pictures on my computer this week.  I’m thinking about changing my hair again… I get anxiety and crave change.  When I sifted through the images, I noticed a pattern.  My life somehow picked up when I had a clean house.  Coincidence?

“It was a terrible year last year…”

“Why?”

And I listened to his tale.  A tragic, sad tale.  Accidents.  Love.  The reactions to hardships faced.  It was horrible.

“And then one day, I decided that I was going to make my life better.  I was going to do one little thing everyday consistently and see if things changed.  I made a commitment.”

“Did it work?”

“Yes, as silly as it seems, my life has been better ever since.”

Know what it was?  It was simple. He made his bed every morning.

My room has been in disarray since I’ve moved in.  I blamed the earthquake.  It was pure laziness.  I just didn’t want to deal with it.  Everything in it- terribly unorganized.  I should probably have been embarrassed with how bad it was.  I’m disgusted to even admit that it piled up for so long.

I had some things in the common area.  It had poured out of my room and into the other areas.  Some bins.  Baskets with laundry.  It wasn’t much but it was enough to be annoying that it was there.

So on Thursday night when my roommate told me that a friend of ours was due to come over for the day to play some games on Friday..

It started with a conversation about making a bed…

I have some colored paper lanterns above my bed in a semi circle.  I had the grip put them up a month ago.  However they hadn’t been lit yet.  I needed an extension cord and hadn’t been able to find one.

I have many fond memories of watching my grandmother metamorphosis into this even more regal classic in front of her vanities.  It’s something that little girls dream of.  And antique ones are not very common.  However I got very lucky one evening.  Before I moved here, I was taking the garbage out in my apartment complex and it was just there. A wooden vanity with a round mirror and bench outside of a dumpster.  I was going to have company over any minute from out of town.  I snatched it immediately and have had it ever since.  If I had to name any real prized possession, I’d say that hands down, it’s that vanity.

It had never been put together in 3 apartment moves.  Last Monday after our foodie date (blog coming on that still) the grip helped me finally mount the mirror.

It started with a conversation about making a bed…

I decided that instead of just putting the living room bins in my room and closing the door as I headed out with the grip for our day date, that I was just going to make the commitment and do it.  I wanted a clean slate come Monday morning.  A new job.  A new, clean room.  Step one in life organization- the clean household.

At first, it was tedious.  I seemed like a never ending series of work.  I’d get done with one thing, and there would be a queque of things still left to be done.  It was physically exhausting.

I slept very little this weekend.  I was focused on getting the project to completion.  Hours dropped by. Fast. Slow.  Fast.

The clarity started to enter.  Suddenly ideas were coming out of the woodwork.  Treasures were found.

It all made sense.  This is one of the key things I need to do.  This is something I needed to do for a long time.  Life is grand but it can always be better.

This is a week of organization and focus.  I’m cleaning up my life right now.  In every avenue.

Step 1, here goes.  I’ll let you know how it works out in the meantime.

Monday…

is going to be a lonnnng day for me.  First day of work and then the Vlogfest Reunion.

I need to stock up on chai and necessities tomorrow.  Sunday shall not be a sunday funday this week.. ah on the sabbath she shall rest.

So if you need me… I’ll be here and there.  But mostly on my bed or on my couch relaxing on the last day of quiet.

And I’m absolutely stoked.

breathing room

Last night I should have been at the W.  Or I’d heard it was the W.  I’d heard it was the Edison.  I saw the tweets a couple hours after I’d gotten back from the bar.  I’d gone to watch some good ole baseball at our regular spot in Culver with one of my guy friends.  It had been a good night.

I was called about the project starting Monday.  Finally.

Maybe if I had gone to the W it would have been a little less dramatic than it ended up being.

Maybe I’m due a trip to the ocean again.  Maybe I’m just premenstral.

I had an argument about intimacy with the grip.  He hadn’t seen my recent post and had no sleep due to short gaps in between work shifts.  He worked 19 hours yesterday.  I’d been stressed about things earlier.  About him not sleeping here the other night.

I know that without the work it’s driven me a bit batty.  I feel the weight of things much more.  And him not being here while hinting at wanting to go serious.. I snapped.  I was a pill to deal with.  I was honest and brutal.

I was responding to emails when I saw my friend R online.  We started talking a bit.

Jennifer

blah petty emotions

10:52pm R

hardly… you’re ripe, very ripe.

the question is, are you willing to let go to get what you want.

10:54pm R

cause if you are, then I can show you a few things.

It’s not often enough that I do a complete disconnect, but that conversation last night inspired me to remember to do it more.  He asked me to shut down my computer and free myself of all distractions.  I did, and I’m really thankful for it.

Sometimes you have to take the time out of your day, close your eyes and breathe.  You have to remember that you don’t need anything.  All you need, you already have.

The grip came over early this morning.  He was exhausted.  All we did was sleep.  I disconnected again.  I just existed.  Miraculously, everything was alright.  It really is going to be alright.  I’m confident in that.  I’m confident in me.  I’m confident in him.  I’m confident in where I’m headed.  It’s going to be a long road but the best things come with a fight.

once…

Once upon a time all i desired in the world was to be with you.  I did everything I could just for those moments.  I felt levity like I hadn’t ever felt.  When I left, I left a piece of me.  You had me from long ago.

Once upon a time I loved you more than anything.

Once upon a time I thought that we were untouchable.  Sure we had our problems but…

Once upon a time I gave and gave and gave in every way I could.  Emotionally.  Financially.  I didn’t have much then, but I bent over backwards to give you what I did.  My motives were genuine and I didn’t expect a thing in return.

Once upon a time I’d move mountains if he asked me, or hell, if he even hinted that he wanted them moved.  I’d find the way.  I’ve always found a way.

Once upon a time I said goodbye.  I made my peace about the situation.  I tried to be friends with you.  I really didn’t want it to end like it did.

Once upon a time you were a dickhead and you still are.   A few months ago, after some further drama you pulled after an event, I let you go for the last time.

Once upon a time I thought that you were worthwhile.  That maybe, just maybe this tug of war of hearts was something great.  But, in the end I realized that everyone else was right when they told me that you didn’t deserve me.

Once upon a time I gave you a chance… all the tools shown.  The only thing you needed to do was overcome yourself.  You once told me that I was the most black and white girl you’d ever met and you had no idea where I came from.  But I was yours.  We understood each other and knew what buttons to press.  We strengthened each other separately.  Together we were unbreakable.

Once upon a time you chose the other path.  We went our separate ways and I thought it was going to be alright.. I’d made my peace.  I moved on.  I thought you did too.  So why do you still haunt me?

***

I was messaged last night about a recent stunt Big had pulled as I was waiting for my friend Mo to come over. to pick me up for last nights event.  Mo was helping a friend move so we were running late.  I had felt horrible earlier.  Anxiety and chest pains rendered me stuck in bed.  I almost cancelled even hanging out with Mo, but the grip came over for a few minutes and suddenly I felt better.

Combined with this stunt of my ex, we decided to just cut our losses and hang out and drink.  Mo is very quickly becoming one of my very good friends.  I feel so very fortunate for the people in my life.

I’ll admit it, I was a bit bummed.  When a lover you’ve been off and on with and your former best friend join superforces, even if it’s just a friendship (and him trying to mindfuck me in my opinion) it gets to you- and you’d be lying if you said otherwise.  I may or may not write the full story later.  I haven’t decided yet.

***

Once upon a time, a girl once broken, once repaired, and once a cynic met the most amazing man.  And he was everything conventional that little girls dream of, but not entirely conventional.  And it wasn’t you.

***

I see the grip on a daily basis.  He may work a ton, but he always takes the time out of his day and makes sure that he sees me.  Because that’s what you do for the person you care about.  This man.. this great man.. treats me in ways- though arguably simple and common sense to some- otherwise mythical to the plethora of lovers I’ve ever had.

Mo teased me about how whipped my boyfriend is.  Yes, there I said it- I have a boyfriend, though currently not a monogamous relationship (on my side), he is my ready steady.  And he’s likely better than yours.

I texted the grip telling him I was a bit bummed, and a little piece of the puzzle as to why.  I told him that I really just wanted him to come (no he’s not living with me) and to just hold eachother.  I felt like a bit of a baby.  He’d stopped by a few hours prior to make sure I was alright.  And now this.

Things with Big shouldn’t have phased me.  How do you tell your current lover that everytime you try and toss this other guy back he keeps popping back up?  He’s like the snake in a Medusa head.  Why does he boomerang back but yet he couldn’t commit when he had me?  I swear, and pardon me for saying this ladies, but he seems to have more of those “womanly” qualities about him that drive men mad than I do.  Drama.  Nothing more, nothing less.  And what’s funny is that he has a girlfriend.

Mo and I drank vodka in the living room.  We had a blast throwing down spirit and cares.  Because that’s what good friends are for.  Because that’s what good friends do.

I started texting some more.  I wanted him here.

“Door unlocked.  Take elevator and come in. “

He said he wasn’t getting off for a couple of hours.  With the fires going on, it makes production a bit of a pain in the ass.  I know he works his ass off and seeing a few tweets with total lack and consideration for other people involved pissed me off something fierce with their immaturity… he was stuck at work a long time yesterday.

Mo and I drank till the point of passing out.  I awoke to this boy at the foot of my bed staring up at me.  The grip had come by, without question, like I’d asked.

***

Once upon a time there was a girl who dealt with too much bullshit from a hanger-on man.  She was disillusioned to thinking he could be the best thing that ever happened to her.  And maybe to some extent she was both wrong as much as she was right.

Once upon a time this girl really didn’t know what she’d been missing out on out there.

Once upon a time she enbraced her faults and pieced herself back together.  She learned that you never will meet the right person until you become that person.  And amazing things suddenly started to happen.  And, like a ripple effect, they continued to happen.

Because everything you ever need you already have.  You just need to take a step back and look within. Outside of the box, yet inside of the box.

Once upon a time I didn’t regret a single moment of both pain and joy that you gave me.  Because I grew from it.  And ultimately, it prepared me for the person who would treat me like people dream to be treated.

And it all started…

once upon a time when I let you go.

in the name of entertainment!

Dear inconsiderate and shallow people of the greater Los Angeles area,

I understand that the fire might not be near you or your friends.

I understand that you don’t care to hear about it constantly on your favorite networks because you’d rather watch your coveted soaps.

I sincerely thank you for giving back to the economy with that new HDTV to better your television consumption.  It’s a good cause and it makes for solid jobs for my friends.

It breaks my heart because your programming is interrupted by the news coverage.

It breaks my heart that my boyfriend and the many other people who work within the entertainment sector to produce your beloved shows are coughing through the smoke and forced to work extra hours to try and get the shots they need because of the fires.

But you’re right, scrolling text should be sufficient for the news.  Like when your neighborhood catches fire and you need to evacuate.  Maybe you’ll get lucky and catch it as scrolls past your screen.  Or maybe you’ll be too busy in the other room getting popcorn.

So thank you for your complaints about the fires.  Thank you for belittling that person who just lost their home due to a natural disaster.  Really, it shows a lot about you.

Sincerely,

just a girl who cares about her fellow neighbor, but also loves entertainment