Prose: Untitled focus

“Enjoy the concert.  Here’s hoping this guy makes you smile.” he said as I was preparing to leave.

A text message from another world came in… what he didn’t know, was that I was already glowing.

“I don’t need a dude to have a good time.”  I told him.

And I didn’t.

And I don’t.

I realized that anything above and beyond that, regardless if worked out or not, was just a bonus.

It has taken me a long time to get here, but I’ve finally arrived.

This is who I am.

This is who I want to be.

It’s nice to meet

… me.

My eyes are open.

My heart is as well.

Love is a battlefield.  You don’t have to retreat but you have to keep your shield up, even if it is a weapon as the Spartans say.

I am prepared to be the person I have always wanted to be…

I am prepared to learn the lessons and experience the pain and the levity without prejudice.

Because that is how you get stronger.

Because that is how you progress.

With a concrete squishy heart…

With eyes wide open…

I know that anything is possible.

Advertisements

its only taken 3 years

My marriage was over 3 years ago, but the axe finally comes down officially tomorrow.

3 years of heartache of separation from the kids.

Of bullshit games and an inferior complex from a man who abused me both emotionally and physically.

From a man who attempted to extinguish the fire within me.

I look back at pictures in reflection.  It was a long time ago but doesn’t feel like it was.  It was a different life.  A different world.  One that I miss sometimes and others one that I’m glad is being left behind.

I thought I would always be watching from the rearview mirror… seeing little faces turn big and I wouldn’t be there.

It tugs my heart.  I first heard about my daughter walking from an email sent to someone else.  I wasn’t included in this family.  He ran off to make his own.  With another woman who couldn’t have children of her own.

Imagine finding excel spreadsheets with daycares cross country with your children’s names.  Of threats before work to take your children.  Of a man you gave everything up for reminding you your place in line.

Money.

I hate to love money.

“Why is divorce so expensive?”

“Because it’s worth it!”

Court is tomorrow in Martinez.  I am exhausted.  There is little to nothing I can do at this point.  If I go in and contest the terms, I may not even be heard or the divorce may be postponed.  Both of which, I don’t want.

It’s the dissolution.  It’s just one part of the process.  It will work itself out.  I will fight for them in the ways that I can.

The judicial system is frightening.  I’m amazed with the bullshit he’s able to get a hold of.  He hasn’t let me see my children with him in nearly a year.  I feel like such a small fish in a big pond.  But I don’t have time for melancholy.  There’s no crying over spilled milk.  Steps forward, and no looking back.

These few days I have been so busy.  Looking for work.  Writing elsewhere.  Tugging my heart on the ground and cutting myself off to focus.

The fire that was extinguished all those years ago has returned.  I’m stronger.  It can’t hurt me anymore.  Tommorrow I will be free of the last bit of chains left.

The best thing that came of this experience were those babies.  Those babies that I am committed to going full force and diving into this market to make the life for them better.  One day at a time.

The path ahead is free and inviting… but god help me I’m scared/excited.

They never said this was going to be easy…

Douchebag alert! Username: Durgie

Being a single woman in the greater Los Angeles area, I must say, like most every city, there is no shortage of complete and utter douchebags.  These douchebags give the male race (and the ones that date them) a bad name and thereby ruin it for everyone.

To be fair, there is a perfectly acceptable balance between douchebag and prince charming.  If a man is too nice for example, his chances of sleeping with me reduce drastically.

I didn’t used to know what I wanted.  I was a whiney baby.  But I since pulled my head out of my ass and realized exactly what that is.

I discussed it a bit in the blog “Emotional Masochism” but for those that didn’t catch that, here’s a rough recap:

For me, I’m looking for a very specific catch.

  • I want a man that’s not afraid to be a man.  That means- driven, passionate, goal oriented, and provider.  I do not care about how much money you make.  I tend to be drawn to artists just as I am successful people.  I have dated high on the food chain finance wise, as well as at the bottom.

John Lennon once said “All you need is love.”  And when done properly, he’s completely right.

  • I want someone that’s compassionate to my needs, but I also don’t want a doormat.  You have needs too and sometimes I’m a disrespectful bitch about them.  Make sure I remember that, but do it in a way that’s nonverbal or verbal when needed and in a way that I feel secure.
  • There is a fine line between emotional abuse and tough love.  I think every woman needs to learn where that line is for her and pass it along to her gent.  If he’s a gent, he will understand.  If he’s not, then proceed to walk all over him and let him know that he’s not.
  • I want someone who is going to be there when needed.  But I do not need a constant babysitter.  Babysitters are for girls, and I am a woman.  Granted, there are times when I’m also in need of a babysitter.  However that’s what female friends are for, and/or a therapist.  My problems aren’t your problems.  A real woman takes care of all of that for herself.

Summation:

What is it that I want?

Control enough to lose control and yet still be all right.

——

But this is in regards to a recent email I was sent, by username Durgie.

I belong to quite a few websites and internet dating is the same as in every metropolitan area.  Quite frankly, there’s an epidemic of douchebags in the greater.. resident planet all of us hail from.  However if anyone from the Moon is reading this, I’d just like to mention that I’d love to taste moon cheese at some point.  I’m a conneseuir of cheeses and.. well I hear that is epic in nature.

Here are the letters exchanged between me and Mr “Durgie:”

Durgie [2.16.9, 9pm]:

boo* happy late valentines =) keep warm, and if not.. i have blankets ;D

Me [2.16.9, 11:06pm]:

LOL. happy commercially induced saccarin pocketbook drain day to you too 😛
& welcome to (name of the site)
Durgie [2.27.9, 1:30pm (apparently my work computer shows the future)]:
oh you know it!!! more of a reason for a guy to buy a girl chocolates to get laid!
Ok Mr.  At this point you are deemed pathetic as well as a loser and need to be told as such.  Prepare to be vaporized.
Me [2.27.9, a few minutes prior to transcribing this post, but showing at 3:30pm work computer time (i hope that means its beer thirty soon then)]:
Scandalous:
Just because I have the aka of that on the net, does not mean that I’m into you.  If I am, I’ll let you know.
Otherwise, comments like yours are really just in poor taste.
It’s things like that that are probably why people like you don’t get laid that often.  Except in which case, that you live in LA.  There are plenty of dumb broads that will think those comments are flattering.
I am not one of them however.
That said:
Have a most splendid Friday.  Best of luck to you.  And please refrain from messages like the one below ever again, or I will block you.  Furthermore, just an FYI, that won’t work on about 85% of women, regardless of what location you happen to live in.  So unless you really want to be fucking that bunny rabbit as your avatar on here shows, you might want to remember that.
Kindest regards,
Js.
So there you have it.  Today’s douchebag of the week award goes to you Mr Durgie.
And now I have to go record some video for a project to be announced later this week.
Ciao and happy hunting ladies & gents.

Career Ambitions & Wishes: To work on this game

photo courtesy of Electronic Arts & Kotaku

photo courtesy of Electronic Arts & Kotaku

This right here.. it makes me smile like you wouldn’t believe.   It slipped my mind prior to this year that one of my most beloved favoritist game titles of all time.. based on well one of my most beloved favoritist books of all time was made by the company I work for.

Needless to say, ever since I read the writeup on Kotaku yesterday afternoon (fashionably late to the news as per usual), there has been a smile plastered on my face, and a hope in my pocket.  It would be but a dream come true to assist in making this dreamworld as purely astonishing as the last one.

My days at Electronic Arts have been… I am learning so much and am surrounded by so very many brilliant minds.  I am but a small cog.  But a proud little cog.

For those that do not know, I am a game tester at Electronic Arts Los Angeles.  I realize that tieing both my professional and personal writings here is dangerous.  But this is who I am.

Games have been my passion ever since I can remember.  My first memory is actually of video games.   My everyday is filled with that world.  Of something that I do so much, it’s embedded into me.

It is among the things I dream of.  As real as snittermittens and frofflepops.  Of cows that produce Hawaiian Punch and a rainbow in the sky of skittles that you can actually taste.

I have many ideas and many a passion.  I fear, not all of it has been written yet.  I know  now that it must be.

Seeing this project at the same time my eyes really became open to finally just do all of mine bid me to write the following succinct letter in response:

Dear boss man up there in Redwood or wherever makes the decisions..

I implore you-hire within please, and move me up.

I would give up my soul for a place on the team working on this game.

Have dougnut. Will trade.

kk thnx bai

Kindest Regards,

Jennifer Stavros

jstavros@iamanenigma.com