its only taken 3 years

My marriage was over 3 years ago, but the axe finally comes down officially tomorrow.

3 years of heartache of separation from the kids.

Of bullshit games and an inferior complex from a man who abused me both emotionally and physically.

From a man who attempted to extinguish the fire within me.

I look back at pictures in reflection.  It was a long time ago but doesn’t feel like it was.  It was a different life.  A different world.  One that I miss sometimes and others one that I’m glad is being left behind.

I thought I would always be watching from the rearview mirror… seeing little faces turn big and I wouldn’t be there.

It tugs my heart.  I first heard about my daughter walking from an email sent to someone else.  I wasn’t included in this family.  He ran off to make his own.  With another woman who couldn’t have children of her own.

Imagine finding excel spreadsheets with daycares cross country with your children’s names.  Of threats before work to take your children.  Of a man you gave everything up for reminding you your place in line.

Money.

I hate to love money.

“Why is divorce so expensive?”

“Because it’s worth it!”

Court is tomorrow in Martinez.  I am exhausted.  There is little to nothing I can do at this point.  If I go in and contest the terms, I may not even be heard or the divorce may be postponed.  Both of which, I don’t want.

It’s the dissolution.  It’s just one part of the process.  It will work itself out.  I will fight for them in the ways that I can.

The judicial system is frightening.  I’m amazed with the bullshit he’s able to get a hold of.  He hasn’t let me see my children with him in nearly a year.  I feel like such a small fish in a big pond.  But I don’t have time for melancholy.  There’s no crying over spilled milk.  Steps forward, and no looking back.

These few days I have been so busy.  Looking for work.  Writing elsewhere.  Tugging my heart on the ground and cutting myself off to focus.

The fire that was extinguished all those years ago has returned.  I’m stronger.  It can’t hurt me anymore.  Tommorrow I will be free of the last bit of chains left.

The best thing that came of this experience were those babies.  Those babies that I am committed to going full force and diving into this market to make the life for them better.  One day at a time.

The path ahead is free and inviting… but god help me I’m scared/excited.

They never said this was going to be easy…

why wait?

Saw this question on Ok Cupid.   Thought it was interesting.

Does the “I’m waiting for marriage” type turn you on?

Yes

No

I’m going with no.

Why? Because lets be frank, I want to test the ride before I even dare commit to saying “Why yes this is what I’m going to do with the rest of my life” regardless if I’m in an open or poly relationship. For me, sex is an absolute must.

It’s not the only thing that makes the relationship, but its a part of communication which i feel is integral to a relationship that is anything more than platonic.

Because let’s face it. Talk is cheap.

If its that you’re not interested in exploring a sexual relationship, fine.  Be my friend.  But don’t waste my time and think you will be my lover.

While yes, you can argue that there’s much that can be done without the act of penetration that is still quite enjoyable, it is the means to an end that simply begs to be fullfilled.

I’ll be a bitch and say it- women get “blue balls” too. About a month ago I was getting really involved with a gentleman.  He starts going down on me and suddenly had to go.  He was there on a break from work and we didn’t plan on it going that far initially.  It sucked.  I went out for drinks with another friend of mine.  I bitched about it.  It was a tease of the vagina sort.

If I am in a relationship with someone, and get more action out of my sex toy than I do out of my significant, there’s a huge problem.  That person obviously doesn’t find something about my significant.  Hell with some of the jerks I’ve dated, the only thing semi significant is the sex anyway.  To be exclusive with me you’re going to have to put out.  It’s a hardship I know.

So potentials… put out or pass please.  I’m only interested in a lover that wants the whole me- and that includes the sexual chemistry.  I’ll still respect your morals or at least do the best I can (if you are interested in Scientology for example though, I will um.. try not to laugh at you if I even entertain bedding you).

Selfish selfish me I suppose.  I crave to be satisfied.

And now since my roommate is gone, I’m off to have even louder orgasms than I usually allow myself out of courtesy (oh and well being gagged).

*Cheers*

What’s love got to do with it?

Seriously. A couple of my coworkers were talking today about how one of them moved in with her boyfriend.

“Are you in love?” they asked.

“Um yeah, we’ve been together 3 years.” she said.

And I was thinking… why is that an assumption so many people make? It doesn’t necessarily have to mean that. People move in with eachother for dozens of reasons. Just because you have been with someone that long, doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re in love with them. It could be a convenience thing. It could be a peer pressure thing. It could be the “well, we’ve been together this long, so might as well” thing. It could be to save money. It could be to not have to masterbate as often. (Again, convenience)… The list goes on. Or maybe I’m just honest.

“So when are you getting married?”

“In about a year, after he finishes school.”

Another assumption. I nearly choked when I heard that. Not because I’m afraid of the dreaded M word. But because once again.. 1957 crap.
Ah evolution and standstill in the dating scene. Why why why?

I wish I could get into some of the stories that I’m hearing now. I can’t. Or rather I won’t. I will say this though…

I’m not against convention completely. I just don’t care for assumptions and classification. People seem to naturally want to catagorize everything that they can.

I’m hypocritical. As much as I proclaim to being polyamorous, I really am a closet monogamist. I’m just super picky. Once I’m with someone that fits under my microscope however, I’m the most loyal, all around awesome, minimal drama and maintence girlfriend you can imagine. Granted, I still have a vagina, so um.. yeah.

Will we ever truly evolve this “oh you need to get married and have a picket fence” or you’re a loser mentality? I’ve been there. I’ve done that. It’s overrated. I doubt I’ll be doing it again… (I’m a liar- I would under the right circumstances.. ie- pirates & um, my mother in a duck suit.. etc)

Point being–the modern age, yet again.. somehow doesn’t seem very modern to me just yet.