Dear Family

I know that you’ve been in line hours fighting the crowds for those shiny shiny Black Friday specials, but for me, you’re wasting your time.

You’ve sent me letters asking me what exactly I want for Christmas.  I’ll tell you forget all that consumer crap.

What I want this holiday, and everyday are just a few “simple” things that you have failed to give me though it has been repeatedly asked.  My plea, my wish, is for this:

Your Love

Your Respect

Your Support

Despite our differences.  Despite your lack of understanding…

If only to understand

What you don’t understand.

I want the chance to have a chance.

To not be scoffed at and dismissed without being given the opportunity to prove otherwise.

For just one genuine chance….

For validation to not have to exist.

For love.

For understanding.

For your unconditional love.

But perhaps you’re right… I’m probably asking for too much.  In which case, you can feel free to send me any of the following glories of electronic & fashion consumption…

a flip camera

a laptop

a gps

the G1

jewelry

shoes

etc.

Because If I can’t have the simple things at least try and satiate me with those that you feel really matter this holiday season.

Love always- your black sheep of an entertainment loving daughter,

Jennifer

Because of his disdain

Eight months have passed since I’ve seen them last.  This is a pattern.  A horrific unchanging sequence.

It’s been almost 3 years.  The ’09 looms carefully creeping up slow. slow. slow. faster faster faster faster.

He wants to forget me.  And I struggle for some sort of acknowledgment that I exist.  He’s kept me from them.  He’s keeping me from them.

Last night I was accompanied by a bottle of wine as I held back the tears.

I find myself in the same place I was when it first happened all those years ago- at a desk, in front of a computer, writing to the air.

It’s Thanksgiving.  I’m thankful.  But there is this longing in me that yearns paramount.  I don’t need anything than the air and some pen and paper, but yet I feel incomplete.

Pieces of me. A faded memory of what I once was.

Evolved. Stronger.  Ever pressing.

He will not conquer me.

I’m getting dressed now.  It’s almost family time. Of cranberry sauce, turkey, stuffing, and sides of hypocrisy.

Two ghosts shall be at the table.  Smiling little faces. Growing.  Giggling.  Without their real mother because their father refuses to overcome himself.

In my dreams, in another life (can it please be this one) we are all together.  We are this modern age “Leave it to Beaver” sitcom.

Mom, the tech entrepreneur and entertainer.. Grandfather the Banker.

Like a Mother duck and her line of babies, except mom has a briefcase and stilettos.

Of little hands and finger turkeys.  Of silly nervous faces as they stuff the turkey.  Of asking why the cranberry sauce looks like jello but doesn’t taste like it.  Of sneaking that last bit of vegetables to the family dog and playing video games with mom.  Of the big kid poker game with pretzels and marshmellows… of sparkling cider “champagne just like mom…”

We miss you my babies.  Come home.  Please let your father come to his senses… and just.. come home for Christmas since you can’t come home today.

3 questions

Happiness is in the eye of the beholder, but only if the beholder is truly happy.  No amount of money, sex, possessions or stimulants can truly compare to that of a person who has everything within.  It’s like a ripple effect.

Think about that person on the road yesterday who cut you off.  You in turn, flick someone off.  Your drive home is aggravated.  Behaviors are contagious.  I dare you to make little changes like that for a week.  See how it effects you.

Ask yourself the following questions:

1) Who do you see when you wake up and look in the mirror? Answer this inwardly as well as outwardly.  Change starts with acknowledgment.  So does acceptance.

2)When you get hurt, who feels the pain?

3)If you don’t succeed at life, who will you really let down?

So often we, as a people, find ourselves becoming the victim.  Catch yourself before it happens.

It’s not wrong to be selfish all the time.  Get that notion out of your head.  The holidays are coming.  Do something for yourself even if it’s something small.  Try to avoid that holiday depression.  It’s alright to moderate.

You must put yourself first before all others.  You are the only thing that matters.  You have to be happy with yourself.  You have to live with yourself.  Make yourself happy.  It’s only then that you’re able to make someone else happy.

I’m making a resolution to do these actions, however small, whenever I’m having a horrible day.  I repeated them many times after I had this conversation yesterday.  Make today yours.. now it’s off for my cup of coffee.

day afters

I don’t regret this weekend. I probably should. But I don’t have a conscious. Or maybe I just don’t have a big enough heart.

Do I care about the grip? Without question. And he always knew this day was going to come. But when things heated up I didn’t know what to do. In the moment of “put up or shut up,” I went to what I knew best..

George Peppard: “I don’t want to put you in a cage, I just want to love you.”

Audrey: “Same thing.”

-Breakfast at Tiffanys

Maybe that point of monogamy was coming. Maybe I was getting closer to feeling less trapped.. I wanted things to go towards that happily ever after. I don’t think I’m as ready as I thought. My focus, had turned inwardly.

In the next coming weeks, there will be some blogs actually defining my experiences with polyamory, and how these relationships work and fail.

I’m not sure exactly if this one has failed. It would be my accord if it did.

Is there a such thing as cheating when you’re in an open relationship? I don’t understand, yet at the same time, I was stupid into not seeing this coming. So much for being open and discussing things.. about being honest with my actions, while having emotions attached.

I’m a bit lost. Do I feel my behavior was wrong? Yes and no. I made no promise of anything other than nothing. Day to day. I just wanted to let things happen. Perhaps I’m broken. Perhaps I’m not.

Honesty is the best policy? Communication is key?

Is it all bullshit?

I really hope that I haven’t lost him. I’m worried about him. I just am at a loss for words here.

November 20th

I’m failing. I’m becoming numb to the rest of oblivion. I’m responsible, yet irresponsible. I’m behind on most everything even if I’m still moving forward. Life at a standstill.

The collection of notebooks scattered across my reality gives but a tiny fraction of a window to where I’ve been. Pieces of me. But never a full look see.

Once upon a time, I was just as scattered as the scrawlings in these notebooks. The parables and lessons.. all building up to the greater destination which ultimately may never be arrived at- me.

Like a quilt, woven woven.. handcrafted by the people in my life more than myself.. I wonder what the visual tapestry would be if it ever so existed.

The world of double lives.. multiple identities because maybe, just maybe, you’re a little afraid of that person staring back at you in the mirror. Is there such a thing as confidence through self doubt?

The thing about this particular book is that I can open it and randomly point my finger in it and learn something about myself. Each entry brings me back to relive the moment. I have a few blogs that I do that with as well. Some that never made it here. Some that are waiting the right time for their day to be shown to the world.

They are tales of the heart. Of where I’ve been. Of where I’m going. Of the spectrum of passion I’ve left in my memory like a plane writing messages in the sky. My marriage is dead. My children are gone. I have very little.

“My uncle can rant about the sun god.. & talk about not having enough money living on $200/day and how that’s not good enough…”

But what I do have are these stories. When I die, I’m not sure what I want done with these books. Different theories run around my head. Burn them? Let everyone read them and then burn them? Bury them in a time capsule? Or give them to one person for safe keeping?

Sometimes I have very little faith in people.

“I figured it out! You want to know why I smoke? Drink? Write? Do art?  Because with this family… there’s never such a thing as enough of an escape.”

Others.. I feel such moments of levity that all the hurt and pain of it all seems worthwhile.

“Wow is this what you were trying to tell me? When you said wait because someday something so much more amazing than you could even ever imagine will come your way. To be patient…
This is surreal. Pinch me.
Will they live happily ever after?
i wish. i wish. i wish.
/clicks heels”

“i love looking through this & seeing despite how mature i am, i still feel the same.”

“Of everything that I don’t know who I am..I know this:

I am a vessel for life’s experiences. I need the ocean to wash away with me. There is a purpose to all these trials and tribulations. The cause is love. I am a character that rarely gets forgotten. Black and white… yet full of undeniable color.”

And so it goes.  The stream of consciousness ever constant.  Where life will take me and what will get scrawled on these pages in both the digital, handwritten, and etheral worlds, I don’t know.  I don’t want to know yet.  Because the journey is half the fun but the destination.. when it’s yourself..

I shall give you pieces of me. I’m not sure if I’ll ever give you the full me.

Once upon a time there was a girl with a story.. and she lived it instead of telling it.

And she lived.. happily through the pain.. but still kept going afterward.

Surprise time out

I don’t care if Monday’s blue
Tuesday’s grey and Wednesday too
Thursday I don’t care about you
It’s Friday, I’m in love

Monday you can fall apart
Tuesday, Wednesday break my heart
Oh, Thursday doesn’t even start
It’s Friday I’m in love

Saturday, wait
And Sunday always comes too late
But Friday, never hesitate…

Friday afternoon:

He was running late. The grip and I were supposed to have lunch. He was going to bring a comic book for a friend at work. It had been a busy week. I didn’t know how busy of a weekend it would be. But when he finally arrived, nothing else mattered.

I’d been telling him about this little place that me and some coworkers had been going to at lunch for beer and Italian food. It’s a pleasant little time out in the day, makes the day go a bit faster.

He said he was picking up something to eat and apologized for the wait. He wanted me to walk out to the gate though. I asked him why and he just said it was a surprise.

About a month ago we’d gone to an In & Out and I gotten my burger a certain way. He not only remembered, but it has been something mentioned on a couple of occasions. He’d even gone on a late night drive and got one just the way I get mine while thinking of me. It probably sounds silly and cheesy. But when he came to my work with my burger and another one made specifically a certain way so he could still get kisses from me, it made me smile.

I work 5 minutes from the beach. I hadn’t taken the opportunity to go in months though. There’s something about the water.. about the smell and the feel of the sand that just makes me feel cleansed. Not a care in the world exists.

“Whatever you’ve done, I forgive you.” I said as we pulled up to the beach.

Burgers, beer, and my boy… it was lovely.

I even got a chance to dance…

It was only an hour. But of my day.. of my week.. it was the best surprise I’ve had in a long time. So for all those girls who ask for diamonds, they may be forever, but for me, it’s moments like this one that make life all the much more worthwhile.

/end cheese

Touche

Ah men.. capabile of such grand things as the invention of the wheel, and yet some still have the intelligence level of an ameba.  Welcome back to the lessons we learned in middle school ladies.. if you want him, simply let him go.

Openly being masochistic, I decided to pursue this particular douchebag.  He’d told me I was beautiful one minute, and the next I knew he’s blowing me off.  After the last bit of talking down to- his version was that he’s “blunt take it or leave it,” I’d had enough.  The pros of his conversations when he didn’t have his head up his ass did not outweigh the other words he said under “honesty.”

Don’t you love that?  People saying something rude and then trying for a get-out-of-jail-free card with the whole “I’m just honest” bit?  Yes, well I honestly think you need to grow the fuck up.

He’s right, I didn’t need that.  So, despite my day being a bit longer than usual.. I ignored him.  I said nothing rude to him.  If anything, I’d just smile at him.  I figured that if he really wanted to talk to me, that he’d approach me.

Ladies, this seems to be particularly effective with many alpha males- if for nothing else, showing that jerk that he’s not going to hold that power over you.

What will happen is one of three things.  He will either:

1. Get frustrated that you are blowing him off and eventually back off.
2. Get frustrated that you are blowing him off and then decide he wants you- but will talk about you behind your back because he can’t have you.
3. See that you now have gained a power position,  apologize and/or stop being a dick. Resume chasing you again.

Weather he blows you off or not, once he knows he can’t get to you.. you can regain your sanity, and chose to either walk away or walk all over him.

I was told that this guy was going nuts because I hadn’t talked to him all day.  Ah.. and today is payday too.  Tomorrow there is some shopping in order for perfume and some thrifting for some new outfits.  Survival of the fittest ladies.  Go get em.

Unsaid

Once upon a time, you could read about the multitude of dates that I went on.. the laundry list of a rotation, tons of events, etcetera etcetera.
Things have changed, yet remain the same. Perhaps I’m getting boring with age. Or perhaps I’m just.. tired. Plain tired of the drama involved.

I’m at a place in my relationship where it really would take someone epic to pull me away completly. He may not have been the man of my dreams in the shallow realm.. but for how he is inside.. he’s the man I’ve always dreamt about.

Some things were said yesterday about me.. about this “vision” of me.. that I agree with to an extent, but don’t in others. Assumptions about my character, about my choices of suitors, and, worst of all, the company I keep…

It got to me. It shouldn’t have gotten to me.

I think there’s more to be said in the unsaid than in whats spoken. If people read between the lines a bit and didn’t wear blinders they might get real sights of the composition of someone- of that inner persona within.

I got a bad taste of me. I got a bad taste of that person. I got a bad taste of how people are.

Today I pledge myself to be quiet more.

Today I pledge to take a step outside from myself and take a step inside of myself.

Today I shall devote my spare moments to self reflection.

Today I pledge to read a book this month, and put a couple of hours a day aside to write my own.

Today I pledge to erradicate myself from associating with garbage people.

Today I’m going to take a deep breath and remember that I have everything I will ever need inside of me.

Today I’m going to wear my boyfriends shirt to work.

I wish it was the weekend. I’d go to the beach.

Because progress is sometimes made with baby steps… but the thing you don’t realize is that it might actually be a huge step incognito.

The on the market sign is fading into the background. I’m tired of all the drama.  I just want to go home to my boy and forget the rest of the world exists.  The day won’t go fast enough.. it’s never enough.

Hopefully tonight will be full of mini golf and batting cages.. of reminiscing about childhood and making memories.  And if not, well.. we shall just see.

Ah office politics

I work in a male dominated industry which has its perks and its drawbacks.. today the latter becomes more and more evident.

My evening last night wasn’t horrible, but wasn’t outstanding either. I pulled a favor for someone a few months ago, only to get politely snubbed with a smile on her face. I knew I never should have done said favor for said person and now it’s biting me in the ass. But horray for so called “friends” right?

Ah, LA. Sometimes I miss home… but not for the reasons you’d think. And then I remember that my family lives there… and that notion goes right back out the window just as quickly as it came.

Enter the cute guy from work. Day 1- he starts messaging me and we start talking. He tells me that I’m beautiful. I blush and don’t think anything of it. In reality, I dismiss the notion automatically. While yes, he’s cute, I had initial doubts on the whole situation.. office politics.. being interested in someone at work… it’s a touchy subject even if there never is any touching.

The week progresses and the flirting becomes less subtle. It’s a mutual attraction and all seems fine. Perhaps this is when my coworkers started to notice. Perhaps not.

Long story short, it didn’t work out. I blogged about the reason why.. but we still continue to talk and occasionally flirt. Nothing said has been uncomfortable but it makes me wonder after the conversation I had with my boss. (Yes I was pulled aside about it)

This conversation led to another conversation with exchanges of what was being said in the company pool about each other by others. Specifically other people that I do not know.
“Nasty” and “Freak” and not in a good way.

Truth be told.. I could deal with people saying quite a bit about me.. “slut,” “tease,” and “bitch” are generally the pleasantries I hear commonly. I brush them off and laugh. And really the only word that was said that bothered me was “Nasty.” I look in the mirror and don’t see that. I look inwardly and don’t feel that. How my existence is laughable to guys I barely know is beyond me. I don’t exactly work in a GQ industry either. No one here is model worthy.. not me or anyone else.

So seriously.. w..t…f.

And then I see the news about Prop 8.. we have grown as a country but we as a people never grow up from childish behavior. Judging other people for garbage reasons. Awesome. Thank you for reminding me why I am frequently a cynic.

Ah yes, no more talking to anyone at work.. about most anything as of right now. Woo! Is it beer thirty yet? Please?

Just one more reason..

There was an email sent to us at work “Take off 9am-11am and get paid if you are going to vote.”

The issues.. Prop 8, Prop 2, Prop K (I wish I lived in San Francisco to vote on it), and of course the Presidential election.

I remember the words of my dad circa the Primaries “I doubt you’re even going to vote.”
The polls show what looks to be a landslide in favor of Obama. The main reason to vote.. So if it’s already a given, why bother?

And then there’s the promotions… Ben & Jerrys, Starbucks, cookies here, a drink at the Edison.
Suddenly the idea sounds a bit better right?

The devils advocate would say: no one would know either way. I mean, it’s against the law for them to ask for that “I voted sticker” in exchange for goods. You could theoretically get the sticker itself from a local drug store or borrow your friends.

One motivating factor trumped them all.. this button passed along on tumblr a week ago..

So as I prep to get ready to walk to the polls.. the naughty notion just dances through my mind. My polling place is at a school down the street. How to dress.. the right skirt.. the glasses.. do I make a phone call or replay the last scene of Choke?

Hmmm… anonymous voting.

We shall see.. we shall see…
Oh and if you’re going to be at the Edison later for the Causecast/LAist party… I shall see you there tnite my friends. To celebrate the changes that are underway for our country.. and gather round with the like minded people who took the time out of their day motivated by the things that really matter and not just the hype and fluff of corporate promotions (which I fully intend to take advantage of too, don’t kid yourself).
Rock the vote everyone.
And now to get ready to go the polls.. apparently my polling place is a madhouse