Per request-

Mia: Don’t you hate that?
Vincent: What?
Mia: Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it’s necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?
Vincent: I don’t know. That’s a good question.
Mia: That’s when you know you’ve found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

That, my dears, was my weekend.  But you’re going to have to wait to hear that tale.

With that, the sound begins again.

I know that it has been awhile since I’ve done this.  So much has been going on.  But don’t fret.

I have not stopped writing- I just changed mediums for awhile.

I have not stopped dating.

I have not stopped smiling.

(Non sequitor.)

I have not died.

(Well, that part is only partially true.)

I still exist.

I guess part of what happened is, as generic as it may sound…

life.

I was walking through the art supply store yesterday waiting for my friend to be free to cut me some canvas.  I can’t remember the last time I painted.  I was inspired and felt it was time.

My weekend had been a blur.  A punch drunk fury of hours come and gone like a gust of wind.  Perhaps the rain this week washed away more than just a few dirty streets.

I think I know what I’m going to paint.

My best had to help a customer.  I found myself lost in shelves lined with magic.  I called the one person who I knew was a combination of both worlds.

“Grandma what are you doing home?  You’re supposed to be in Dwight enjoying your childhood memories.”

“Next weekend.”

“I want to have sand in my paint but I forgot what I need for that…”

“To thicken it up you need a medium.  Or you can just use oils because its thicker.”

You see, and this should not come as much of a surprise, but my grandmother… is an artist.

“Grandma I had… All I want to do right now is paint.  I want to hike and paint and watch sunrises and sunsets over the city and paint for awhile.  It’s been too long.  I have a lot on my mind.”

“I think thats wonderful.  Do you still have those brushes your aunt and I bought you years ago?”

“I do.  I’m going to have to dig them out.  I’m buying a couple of artist pallates.  I want to go to the beach and paint so I want something that if I lose I won’t be super upset about losing.”

“Buy a plastic one or get paper ones for that.  Best bet would be plastic. It’d be easy to clean.”

“Grandma, tell me about how it was to date in your time  What was that like for you.”

“I don’t talk about that.  I did date before your grandpa but I’m a very private person.”

Oh what she doesn’t know…

We walked around and talked about life.

“Why as a society are we brought up and told “Be honest. Be yourself.  Be open.” but then when you actually are, people crucify you for it… because there’s something about them that they can’t fully express and they’re envious… because you are the colorful painting and they are stuck in black and white.”

“Because people are hypocrites!” She said with a laugh.

I guess that’s part of why I took a pause.  My scrawlings, despite being vague and relatively ananomous nature have been both uplifting and the knife of the final move of my demise.  Despite my openness about this blog before I ever even enter into anything, men seem to become entransed by the words and then… when the plot really thickens and the soufle is in the oven… well, they fall short.

“Choose your words wisely.  They make or break you.”

I am not broken anymore.

I may not be that black and white picture all of the time but…

Life has been busy.  I have eased into a semi normal lifestyle believe it or not.  I have slept some wonderful nights and I have also tossed and turned with dreams of a ghost.

But those tales shall come later.

Know that I have been to hell and beyond and… it’s good to be back.  We have a lot of catching up to do my friends.  And thank you for the messages telling  me to get back to this.

More later.  But for now?  I have to get dressed.  Someone got a normal 9-5 office job downtown.  Mind boggling huh?

Cheers,

j.

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Brutal honesty: Unhappiness in the military

DISCLAIMER: As a note to all my friends and to people all over the world within the military, this blog is not to belittle your efforts, dedication, hard work or jobs.  I know that there is so much that you do than what is in the focus of this blog.  This is to those lost souls that have turned to the military to complete themselves rather than a foundation based in patriotism.

On one gaming forum that I belong to, I’ve made a few friends-people that have both helped me through hard times as well as touched me through their laughter, stories, and support.  This is the story of one of them.

His name is Hazard Cheif and he’s a pathological liar.  At first, I just thought he was kidding around.  Then the lies got bigger… mafia, car races, cheating girlfriends (ok that one could have been true), boats, yadda yadda yadda.

Sometimes it was funny.  I mean, it felt like a game to a degree.  But over time it became less and less funny.  As a friend, quite frankly I hoped that he would get past this stage in his life and start on the path to finding himself.  Given that I have been on this road (looking to find myself not the pathological lying bit), I distanced myself.  I never really disappeared but I also wasn’t there all of the time.

Once in awhile he will message me.  We will have a bit of loose conversation and then back to poof.

Last night was one of those nights…

(11:44:22 PM) supernerdlady: are you done with the pathological lying yet?
(11:44:33 PM) HaZaRd Cheif : ha yes actually
(11:44:42 PM) HaZaRd Cheif : i’ve left it behind me
(11:44:49 PM) HaZaRd Cheif : along with alot of people
(11:44:58 PM) HaZaRd Cheif : im in the US Navy now

Conversation continued more as I asked him about postcards. He said that he was stationed stateside and had not yet been deployed but would send some when he was.  And then he started to mention that he was actually looking forward to deployment…

(11:47:35 PM) supernerdlady: thats not something to look forward to
(11:49:36 PM) HaZaRd Cheif : i’ve never left the US
(11:49:59 PM) HaZaRd Cheif : it’ll be a chance to see new cultures learn new things meet new people
(11:51:55 PM) HaZaRd Cheif : other than that shit life has actually kinda sucked

It was abundantly clear that he’d joined the service in an attempt to get away from reality rather than face his issues.  As a good friend, I didn’t pander to his statements where he tried to rationalize his choice…

(11:53:33 PM) supernerdlady: escaping doesnt solve anything
(11:53:42 PM) supernerdlady: but thats one thing the service is good for i guess
(11:53:55 PM) HaZaRd Cheif : yea i guess.
(11:54:00 PM) supernerdlady: you dont need to focus on yourself bc you can just do what they tell you
(11:54:03 PM) supernerdlady: be how they tell you
(11:54:36 PM) HaZaRd Cheif : i’ve already been in for a year and 3 months, and i feel like i havent really done anything with my life thats really of any importance
(11:54:57 PM) supernerdlady: what dictates whats important or not?
(11:55:11 PM) supernerdlady: did you learn anything in that time?
(11:56:00 PM) HaZaRd Cheif : i learned…. heh, how to iron military creases in my uniforms, alot about the UCMJ, and that i despise marines… ha

Now before you start with the hate mail, as I stated in the disclaimer above, I will reiterate that this blog is not to belittle your (anyone within the military or friends of someone within the service’s) efforts, dedication, hard work or jobs.  I know that there is so much that you do than what is in the focus of this blog.  This is to those lost souls that have turned to the military to complete themselves rather than a foundation based in patriotism.

He was unhappy and didn’t see just how unhappy he was, or rather, he didn’t know how to.  And then, it happened.  The beginning of the potential end of our friendship…

(12:15:50 AM) supernerdlady: at least its a steady paycheck
(12:15:54 AM) supernerdlady: thats more than i have
(12:16:24 AM) HaZaRd Cheif : yea
(12:16:40 AM) HaZaRd Cheif : id trade the paycheck for happiness anyday

Tick, tick boom.

That was it for me.  I told him flat out what I thought about his statement, and it was not pretty.  It’s so not pretty that I am not going to post it. But here’s a summation of how it went:

I told him that I “would take my poor, artistic, extremely happy but not always perfect or stable paycheck existence over a life like what he was living- without decision making or happiness over his any day.”  I wished him the best of luck to find whatever it is that he is looking for and that the only person that could save him was himself.

It was harsh, brutal honesty.  I let him go.  I meant what I said.  I felt really bad about it.  I know he’s not the only person going through this… so many others like him are experiencing this same pain.  Why doesn’t anyone do anything for these men and women?  Is a future with your own voice really that bad?  In the process of giving someone something they can be confident and successful in with moving up ranks and encouragement, we walk away from what really matters: that same application inwardly.

Mr Hazardous Chief, tread safe out there.  I hope you find the beacon to guide you home safely soon.

The List Blogs: Weekend summation

Here’s what I got accomplished this weekend:

  • Errands and personal business
  • Worked on resumes
  • Looked for new job leads
  • Drank with a friend in from San Diego
  • Watched 30 days of Night
  • Showed my friend Mirror’s Edge
  • Discussed my super secret project
  • Purchased some postcards
  • Ate grits at S &W
  • forgot that they only take cash
  • P aroused the internet some more for job leads
  • Talked to a couple of friends about work
  • Taught my son how to cheat in a video game
  • Applied to be on a game show
  • Studied for my motorcycle permit test
  • broke a dresser
  • Had chai with a new friend
  • Dumped a full camera’s worth of video onto my computer
  • Picked a flower
  • Walked 2 miles
  • Took a drive just because
  • Discovered some new music
  • Talked to a boy I like (that’s not a douchebag or a liar)
  • Ate cake
  • Created 8 bit art
  • Found a new place to hang out at
  • Talked to friends
  • Took pictures
  • Discussed further pictures to be taken
  • Read a bit of Transmetropolitan (trade #2)
  • oh and washed dishes finally.

Hurray for a full weekend!

My weekend 2.23.9

Had a great non regrettable, but regretable weekend.

Scratch that.

No regrets.

I don’t regret any of it.

I’m forever thankful of the people that I have come across.

The only thing that I’m disappointed about…

was not the part where I vomited in front of you last night.

But not having enough room on my camcorder to fully document the most amazing time that we had.

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

for all that you’ve done for me.

Wonderful people.  Wonderful friends.

Lots of video to pull off my camcorder later.

Highlights of this weekend (to be written about later):

  • Coraline in 3d with my son (it was the last weekend to see it that way)
  • San Diego Tweetup with Mo in tow
  • Getting my “other” best friend on camera saying that he’s” not that smart” (btw that made the trip worth it just there. 4 seconds of taping
  • More encouragement to play my violin
  • finding a new watering hole in a nook somewhere in WeHo
  • meeting a new wonderful person (so wonderful they put up with my vomitface last night/this morning)

and, more to come later

But wow what a great weekend!

I’ve decided:

  • I need to make a point to get home more often
  • I really shouldn’t drink more than one drink on a 2nd “date”
  • I really should throw a fundraiser for my documentary project

I was reassurred that:

  • My son is the most important thing in the world
  • I have some amazing people in my life
  • I am capable of amazing things if I only just DO them
  • I put the crass in procrastinator & I really should hurry up & get the hell out of here and get to work even though my truck smells like vomit.
  • kk thnx bai

All.

It’s been a long weekend but not nearly long enough. There’s so much going on that I can’t even begin to really talk about. It’s the holidays, its chaotic. Thankfully it’s the end of the year soon and wonderful things are on the horizon.

More turns of events.. forever making me realize something I should already know. But sometimes you need that little reminder.

I saw this picture on tumblr with “This Christmas” written underneath it.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Simplistic as it was, it was exactly what I needed.

No. I don’t *just*have this on Christmas thankfully. It’s a full cup. Inwardly. Outwardly.

Happily Ever Afters may exist in storybooks and fantasies, but the instances that we’re together.. and even when we’re apart are constant reminders of this one very fact.

And one last thing… a quote I remember seeing but don’t recall who said it.

True love isn’t “I love you because I need you.” It’s “I need you because I love you.”

I truly have everything I need. Good friends. Air in my lungs. Positive people. And the knowledge I’ve gained from the lessons I’ve learned to move forward.

I want it all. It’s time to go get it.

To be continued…

House

Dear Mr House,

Last night was supposed to be a special romantic evening.  Even though we all joked, I couldn’t have been more thankful for it than I was.  I felt really bad.  I honestly did.  About the rain and your physical ailments.  But you coming over turned into a catalyst.  One that I really hope is not completely soured.

This is a really bad time of the year for me.  Blogs that have not been finished line the tales as to why.  Things mostly unsaid- except to a few-including yourself.

I paid a good deed forward last night.

And yet, I feel terrible.

Ladies-

Do you ever wish to be ugly?  Just one day, out of the blue- you just wake up from this dream world of beauty, and suddenly every man ignores you.  Your problems with men magically fade away as you enter the world of friend zones and rejection.

Sometimes I think my life would be easier.  Though I don’t wish for it at all.

“Why?  Why God did you curse me with this beautiful face…”-a Knight’s Tale

When it all felt like it was falling apart, I grabbed my jacket to walk him out, and my phone by instinct.  I scrolled my contacts and found your picture.  I held it tight and nearly fainted from the tears I was holding back.

Im an idiot.

Scene:

He texts me “I’m in your base, cooking you foodz.”

And I giggled on the way out of work.  Excited. Happy.  I was looking forward to this all day.  To romance and beyond.  Of all that cheesy crap women-yes even strong women- wish for (but don’t want to admit for fear it will make them look weak.)

Scene:  I’m pulling out of the parking lot with my carpool in tow and he comes to my window.  It was shitty out and he rides a bike.  He carried a cane.  Had been hit by a car this weekend by an illegal.  He was in desperate need of a razor.

So when he asked me if he could spend a little time at my place till it cleared up, I did what any real friend would do.  I made room for him in the truck and brought him home. He’d be over a little while.  I’d make sure he was comfortable if we wanted our alone time.  The grip and I would make do.

I couldnt tell him no, but what if I hadmaybe

Scene: 4am I awoke from nightmares. He and her were going to make it right he told me as he let me go.  She gave him everything he wanted- a family- something that i could have easily given him & he wanted me to.

But I didnt

Scene: I arrived home with House in tow.  Honey in the kitchen, cooking up a storm.  It smelled wonderful.  It’s something I haven’t had in ages.  Take away the mess of my apartment.  Take House out of the picture.  Turn the clock back to that golden era.  A modern twist… it was… divine.  There really is something to be said about that whole “Leave it to Beaver” lifestyle.  I didn’t have this a year ago.  I didn’t appreciate it when I was married. Maybe it really is about the person you’re with… as much as what it is they do for you inside.

It was supposed to be our moment.

Scene:  We drove House back to his bike.  Joked about the grip enjoying borrowing Moms hybrid without asking while they were on vacation.  The Oprah magazine.  The dalmation puppy keychain.  The magnet address book (unwritten in) from San Francisco.  The angel prayer pin above her drivers seat. Tissues everywhere.  Mom’s gardening hat…

Me: “Oh look I’m a Mexican!”

Him: “Mom wears that out in public to nice places too. Shut up.”

Me: “So how weird would it be if I wore it when we fucked?  Would you call me Mommy?”

I put the hat on.

Me: “What about road head?  In your parents car where your mom sits.. Would that be alright?”  He smiled, rolled his eyes and blushed.

Him: “Jerk.”

Scene: Driving home. Him: Ah FINALLY some alone time.

And I smiled. Ran my fingers through his hair.

It was supposed to be our moment.

Scene:  He smiled through it all and made do.  Made another plate and brought it to the table.  Asked what we wanted to drink.  Poured himself another glass of cheap scotch.

I asked if there was anything in particular that they wanted to watch. Ok, so I may have only really hinted at it.

“My character is really fat on Fable 2. Wanna run me around a bit?”

I was only halfway joking.

Instead, we watched Disc 3.

“Oh honey I took a test with “What Madmen character are you?”” I said giddily.  “Guess who I got?”

He smiled.  I turned to House.

“Have you ever seen Madmen? It’s my latest late obsession?”

House:”No. What is it?”

Me:”My favorite character… she’s so me, or.. wait that sounds bad. Ha.”

The grip smiled again as he finished in the kitchen.

The grip:”What do you want to drink dear?”

Me:”I’m not sure. There isn’t milk for a white russian. Sadness.”

I turned back to House.

Me:”It’s got the chick from Firefly in it…the redhead.”

House:”Which one?”

Me:”The hot one.”

The grip:”Saffron.”

House raised his eyebrows.  I smiled and clicked away at the remote.

It was supposed to be our moment.

Scene: He turned the corner.  Our conversation did the same.  Pivoted on that untimely exit because Fate knows no bounds.  She knows exactly what she’s doing.

Potential. Dismissal.  Things I cannot say.  Territory that in some respects, I likely shouldn’t be treading in. But I pressed just the same.

It was supposed to be our moment.

Scene: We got home and laid in bed.  The stories like ribbons flitting in the wind.  And he held me.  Under paper lanterns I pointed up.

“See that? Stars.” I said as I held him close.

And there was passion.  Unforced. Unselfish.  Genuine passion.  Because he made it feel like home that night.  He was my home that night.

It was supposed to be our moment.

Scene: And now the stack of comic books lie on top of a box outside my room.  His set of keys on my dresser again. But this time not on accident.  He took 2 books with him.  Refused to take any of the rest.  And in the wake of his absence I can still feel the silence.

Scene: Fifteen minutes until 8am.  I’m still not dressed. I haven’t slept at all.  Held company with a dark prince- a friend- a.. I don’t know what he is anymore.  All I can think about is you.  Of how hurtful everything I said- albeit truthful-hurt you.  And once again, I worry about the status of my non relationship.

Last night I drove a friend home.  I had good intentions.

I paid a good deed forward last night.

And yet, I feel terrible.

Why? Because…

It was supposed to be our moment.