once…

Once upon a time all i desired in the world was to be with you.  I did everything I could just for those moments.  I felt levity like I hadn’t ever felt.  When I left, I left a piece of me.  You had me from long ago.

Once upon a time I loved you more than anything.

Once upon a time I thought that we were untouchable.  Sure we had our problems but…

Once upon a time I gave and gave and gave in every way I could.  Emotionally.  Financially.  I didn’t have much then, but I bent over backwards to give you what I did.  My motives were genuine and I didn’t expect a thing in return.

Once upon a time I’d move mountains if he asked me, or hell, if he even hinted that he wanted them moved.  I’d find the way.  I’ve always found a way.

Once upon a time I said goodbye.  I made my peace about the situation.  I tried to be friends with you.  I really didn’t want it to end like it did.

Once upon a time you were a dickhead and you still are.   A few months ago, after some further drama you pulled after an event, I let you go for the last time.

Once upon a time I thought that you were worthwhile.  That maybe, just maybe this tug of war of hearts was something great.  But, in the end I realized that everyone else was right when they told me that you didn’t deserve me.

Once upon a time I gave you a chance… all the tools shown.  The only thing you needed to do was overcome yourself.  You once told me that I was the most black and white girl you’d ever met and you had no idea where I came from.  But I was yours.  We understood each other and knew what buttons to press.  We strengthened each other separately.  Together we were unbreakable.

Once upon a time you chose the other path.  We went our separate ways and I thought it was going to be alright.. I’d made my peace.  I moved on.  I thought you did too.  So why do you still haunt me?

***

I was messaged last night about a recent stunt Big had pulled as I was waiting for my friend Mo to come over. to pick me up for last nights event.  Mo was helping a friend move so we were running late.  I had felt horrible earlier.  Anxiety and chest pains rendered me stuck in bed.  I almost cancelled even hanging out with Mo, but the grip came over for a few minutes and suddenly I felt better.

Combined with this stunt of my ex, we decided to just cut our losses and hang out and drink.  Mo is very quickly becoming one of my very good friends.  I feel so very fortunate for the people in my life.

I’ll admit it, I was a bit bummed.  When a lover you’ve been off and on with and your former best friend join superforces, even if it’s just a friendship (and him trying to mindfuck me in my opinion) it gets to you- and you’d be lying if you said otherwise.  I may or may not write the full story later.  I haven’t decided yet.

***

Once upon a time, a girl once broken, once repaired, and once a cynic met the most amazing man.  And he was everything conventional that little girls dream of, but not entirely conventional.  And it wasn’t you.

***

I see the grip on a daily basis.  He may work a ton, but he always takes the time out of his day and makes sure that he sees me.  Because that’s what you do for the person you care about.  This man.. this great man.. treats me in ways- though arguably simple and common sense to some- otherwise mythical to the plethora of lovers I’ve ever had.

Mo teased me about how whipped my boyfriend is.  Yes, there I said it- I have a boyfriend, though currently not a monogamous relationship (on my side), he is my ready steady.  And he’s likely better than yours.

I texted the grip telling him I was a bit bummed, and a little piece of the puzzle as to why.  I told him that I really just wanted him to come (no he’s not living with me) and to just hold eachother.  I felt like a bit of a baby.  He’d stopped by a few hours prior to make sure I was alright.  And now this.

Things with Big shouldn’t have phased me.  How do you tell your current lover that everytime you try and toss this other guy back he keeps popping back up?  He’s like the snake in a Medusa head.  Why does he boomerang back but yet he couldn’t commit when he had me?  I swear, and pardon me for saying this ladies, but he seems to have more of those “womanly” qualities about him that drive men mad than I do.  Drama.  Nothing more, nothing less.  And what’s funny is that he has a girlfriend.

Mo and I drank vodka in the living room.  We had a blast throwing down spirit and cares.  Because that’s what good friends are for.  Because that’s what good friends do.

I started texting some more.  I wanted him here.

“Door unlocked.  Take elevator and come in. “

He said he wasn’t getting off for a couple of hours.  With the fires going on, it makes production a bit of a pain in the ass.  I know he works his ass off and seeing a few tweets with total lack and consideration for other people involved pissed me off something fierce with their immaturity… he was stuck at work a long time yesterday.

Mo and I drank till the point of passing out.  I awoke to this boy at the foot of my bed staring up at me.  The grip had come by, without question, like I’d asked.

***

Once upon a time there was a girl who dealt with too much bullshit from a hanger-on man.  She was disillusioned to thinking he could be the best thing that ever happened to her.  And maybe to some extent she was both wrong as much as she was right.

Once upon a time this girl really didn’t know what she’d been missing out on out there.

Once upon a time she enbraced her faults and pieced herself back together.  She learned that you never will meet the right person until you become that person.  And amazing things suddenly started to happen.  And, like a ripple effect, they continued to happen.

Because everything you ever need you already have.  You just need to take a step back and look within. Outside of the box, yet inside of the box.

Once upon a time I didn’t regret a single moment of both pain and joy that you gave me.  Because I grew from it.  And ultimately, it prepared me for the person who would treat me like people dream to be treated.

And it all started…

once upon a time when I let you go.

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Chicken

Ever have a moment where you can taste your foot in your mouth?  Where it’s just so wedged in there that you feel like a complete jerk?  Enter another conversation with the dark horse, yet again about the friend, and another in a window with the girl.

The best day to talk to me is beach day.  It puts me in a complete moment of zen that nothing bad happening can phase me.  It helps me collect myself and gain composure.  It is my oasis.. it is my hideaway.  And it’s my self form of detoxing.

Two weeks of mini hiroshimas and this one coming around… I should have gone to the beach sooner.

There are more reasons why I’ve contemplated moving out of areas that I know anyone.  I’m fortunate enough to be surrounded by such wonderful people that sometimes, I think that I really need to go where I don’t have a support system so I can really feel the weight of my fuckups.  It would force me to be self accountable.

I got upset this week over petty silly things… over things that were all based in my own fuckups.  I’m not kidding when I say I’m a difficult pill to swallow.  I am a really shitty person when I feel you’ve wronged me.  I say spiteful things.  There’s a reason why people try not to upset me.  And I need to work on that.  Hell, there’s a lot of things I think that I should work on.

I’d like to think that I’ve come a long way after this divorce.  But I also think that I have a long way to go.

My reaction to what happened was…

I got a bigger chunk of the story from the dark horse.  It was something that I didn’t realized that I needed one of the guys she’d befriended in order to try and connect and see more about to do… the right thing.  He told me that he’d only talked to her because he had a crush on me, and that when he did, he talked about me.. and what I was like.  He had no intentions of doing anything with her.  She’d talked about my good intentions.  She had been sweet to me in ways that I hadn’t deserved.

I wish she could understand why I was so upset initially in the first place.  I don’t think she will.  But when I took a step back and looked at the stain window, now lying broken all over the floor… her intentions were never ill founded.  Why did it take a guy for me to realize things that I should have known in the first place?  It was me that was the asshole.  It was me that was in the wrong.

I’ve become so used to being treated like shit, that I learned to treat others like shit.  Whenever I have a relationship with someone genuinely nice, I am so nervous that something is going to happen, that it seems to bring every hole of self confidence out.  I’ve lashed out at people who care at me.  I guess I’m not completely fixed- and the ways I’m not, I’m better than to be falling to such ridiculous shortcomings.  At least I know where my problem is that I can avoid repeating it.

I took some time to reflect once again on the text that I’d gotten from my friend in Seattle.

I’m capable of so many grand things.  I’m smarter than how I’ve been acting.  And the reality of it is that I should have realized that before all of this happened…it never should have happened.

I feel as if I’ve fucked up 2 relationships… one potentially wonderful romance, and the best friend I’ve ever had.

Maybe I really didn’t deserve either of them.  Maybe I did but I should have treated them better.  Maybe both.  Maybe not just maybe.

I only can only hope that they could both forgive me, even though I don’t deserve it.  I hope they can see the other good in me… the ones that sparked their interest in a relationship in any way with me in the first place.

Day 2 of detoxing started early.  I’m going to take a shower and do some more of it now.  I told a little boy I was going to visit him today so I need to make good on my word.  People important to you need to be treasured.  It’s time I really start doing it better.  It’s time for me to be the better person I know that I’m capable of.

2 days and still going like the energizer bunny..

It was supposed to be a semi normal day Friday, despite the holiday. After trips back and forth to LA, SD, and Bakersfield.. I thought the 4th was going to be relatively quiet. Things with the roommate skyrocketed into horrific. I was so ready to go to work already, but not wanting to deal with any drama.

No one wanted to be at work. It was extremely laid back, and for once.. everyone got along. My plans for the night afterward were initially to take refuge with a notebook and ride to some patch of grass.. look up at the stars and have some solace. It sounds a bit emo, but I can assure you, its not meant to sound it completely. I just have a lot on my mind sometimes and tend to disappear off the radar momentarily.

Thankfully, I have some amazing friends that are able to catch me before I completely become a blip. Family didn’t call. Friends did though.

“I’m not going to let you spend it alone. Let’s do what we can to figure out how to get you here, or I’ll grab you later anyway.”

Worth the drive. It means so much to me. Multiple friends.

I wasn’t supposed to get out early enough to go, but that changed. I was cleared from my boss and made the mad dash to get home and change. We left later than we’d intended. The traffic clogged up a bit as we neared our destination.

“And that is why everyone in LA should have a thing of bubbles in their car.. because you never know.. and what a fun way to pass the time…”

We were headed to the ocean.. my place of zen. Friends (nerds), ribs, booze, chatter, movies, video games… awesome.

“Are we going to actually go in the water or should I not even bother with my swimsuit?”

“I’m not sure but you can bring it if you want to.. it’s really up to you..”

It was among one of the first things packed.

“I already had it packed anyway from San Diego.. he wanted to hit the jacuzzi when I was there.”

My friend just smiled.

As it got closer to the fireworks, the convoy of us headed towards the beach. Dan was the fearless leader, with a tripod nearly as big as me pushed over one arm, and a backpack nearly as heavy.

I could smell the ocean and someone smoking djarums. Blew bubbles and skipped. A stranger gave me a black and I lit up. Ah, escape.. escape. And we weren’t even there yet.

The ocean called to me. It took me all of 20 minutes before curiousity got the best of me… I pulled Steve and Dan with me.

“I just want to find out how cold it is..”

Until sunset, I was in the water. The beach truck rolled in and everyone got out. We made robot firetruck boobs in the sand, and headed back towards the rest of the group. Fireworks from all over. Malibu, Santa Monica, Marina Del Ray..

“Over there is where all the rich people are.. all on their roofs, laughing at all us broke people with our crappy public displays…”

I’ve lived in California for nearly a decade. This was my first fourth on the beach… and there’s only one thing that was missing. Yet, I would look at the sky and dream… we are looking up at the same sky, even if we’re in different cities.. living our parallel lives… not knowing what the future will bring.. fate? One could only hope.

The moment is broken by pings. I put it on the back burner. It’s not time right now.. and who knows if it ever will be. A friend texts me last minute.

“Would you like to come out and cover the anime expo with me tmorrow for TechZulu?”

The future.. goes back to my roots. I’m going to be up all night in proactive mood. Ah the workaholic in me…

“Get some sleep so your eyes aren’t puffy tomorrow, and we’ll talk more”

Excitement. So many reasons. Doors opening… building blocks on relationships.. personal, professional.. friendships… steps forward.. steps back.. new experiences… more…

We packed up the rest of our things and headed back to Trina and Matt’s. Matt made this concotion affectionately called “the ritz.”

“Dare I even ask what’s in this or just drink it?”

We walked down memory lane a little bit. Matt showed us some of his stuff from film school. We talked about nerdy silly things. Played some Scene it… which, I might add, when playing with 2 film school graduates, is a bit.. intimidating to say the least.

Knowing that the day had to start early, we headed back for me to couch surf once again. My friends.. so very gracious to open their homes to me.

Awoke early to prepare for the long day ahead. A shower to wash away the sea. Singing “You Don’t Own Me..” Not a care in the world.

We went to the store for sustenence. I was thinking about making some seafood omlets.. still focused on those moments of zen yesterday. But opted instead for a breakfast burrito. Accompanied, of course, by some chai.

I put on some jazz and cooked. Sang and danced around.

“He hasn’t let me cook for him yet. One of these days though.. perhaps when we both have the time..”

And then the expo itself. Everything was a rush. My friend Trina of Gaming Angels ended up bringing me. It was my first anime con, and I was a bit nervous for no reason. I’ve always wanted to dress up and go to one, but hadn’t yet. And now I was going as press.

Finding Marc was crazy in itself. The con was massive. Rush was the norm though. Newsworthy.

I was fortunate enough to meet up with the folks from Girl Gamer. They are such great people. It’s funny in a way how small of a world it is. It seemed that all of us knew eachother before the meeting. Paralell constants.

I knew a few others that had mentioned that they were going to be there.. just barely missed on a friend who dressed as Jack Sparrow. The gaming journalist convoy… in addition to us, was also Coin-Op Tv, All Games, and if I’ve missed someone, I apologize. Let me know if you were there and I missed the link, I’ll gladly add it.

My day, however was dominated primarily with awesomes Girl Gamer and Marc of TechZulu.

The day was a complete success. Not for the fact that everything went as perfectly as planned, because with these things, it rarely ever does, which is half the thrill of it.. but because I firmly believe in the strength of the connections that were made there. It is one of my loves of the advent of social media. We have small worlds, but when we share passions.. I look forward to seeing how things go for everyone. Where their paths take them. I wish them good luck in their journeys… parallel.

There were smiles all around that day. It was an experience I am forever thankful to have had.

Pulled from place to place…

Taking pictures.

Interviews.

Near interviews.

Secrets.

Finding out about why people put so much devotion into the things they enjoy.

Logistics.

“Are you ok with all of this? This adventure?” Marc said.

and I turned to him and said..

“Are you kidding? This is what I live for…”

Travel.

Journalism.

Friendships.

Technology.

Business.

The ocean.

A camera.

A notebook.

Living at the edge of life.

Carpe Diem.

[And now to shower, get dim sum, and some more beach time before going back to hipster jesusville.. Pictures soon to come, and sidebar links updated later]