Want to know if a man really cares about you? It’s one that I wouldn’t recommend…
It’s the little things.
Maybe you can catch what I’m referring to by looking at the picture and video below.
These were taken before and after a long night out drinking at the Orange County Yelp Elite ‘Stache Bash.
I am smitten and truly honored by this one dear sweet Mr. Here’s hoping he sticks around for awhile. I think he just might. But I guess only time will tell. I’m going to enjoy savor last bit of it.
Cheers and Happy Friday.
I told him he had until Midnight to see me. And the clock chimed but he still hadn’t.
He said he tried.
I want to believe he was there.
But then there’s that whole serendipity thing.
Could we possibly have been at the same place that night and missed eachother? The answer is yes. There were droves of people at the screening Saturday night. But does it excuse the other nights before where he failed to show up?
I’ve been milling around about the details for some time now. Most people tell me to give up.
“There are too many excuses. He isn’t showing any action.”
I wish I’d had my camcorder when we were together. The moments captured on film would have been epic in quality. I’ve learned that most of those most cinematic moments are when the camera isn’t running.
He once wrote me that “they say the fire that burns twice as bright burns half as long, but what a sight to see for that time.”
I wonder if that’s the case here. If things are so far broken that they’re incapable of being repaired.
He reminded me last night that he used to call me his mermaid. It was something silly and cheesy that was brought about when he helped me install a particular curtain above my bed. He has referenced being in love with a mermaid in a few of his blogs. I glossed over it and had forgotten about it.
And then it happened.
I was applying for a job over at Yelp when I stumbled upon…
My relationship with him had been open. I was very publicly private that I had been seeing people while he was too busy with other things than for me. I found out that he’d dated someone else while we were together and neglected to tell me.
I rationalized it to myself.
“It was fair. I was doing the same thing. I can’t really complain about it.”
But a part of me didn’t care for it. He’d had such little time and yet he chose to spend it with her.
“When you slept with [redacted] I really thought it was over. The [redacted] stuff took a lot out of me. I was not happy.” he told me.
So why didn’t we break up then if that’s what he’d wanted? Why press on through it?
Months passed and we still saw eachother. I eventually gave him the monogamy that he wanted. I was ready. At this point however, the relationship had already stretched and gone a course into the deep end. He had less and less time for me. The valiant start out of the gate had slowed down. We hadn’t made love in…
I didn’t find out about this intentionally. I was curious when I saw he’d had some new reviews because he’d been on a road trip. I found a comment on the compliments that upset me though- saying that he and a girl were missed at an event. A girl with an uncommon name- also known as a mermaid.
I was livid without reason to be so.
When confronted with the information his first reaction was that she was “just a friend.” And then he finally came clean.
The clock ticked down last night. We talked in spirts. He never came by.
My roommate came home about 20 till midnight. I was curious how his weekend had gone and if there was a postcard. We talked a bit about it. I came back and looked at the clock. It was 12:08 and it was quiet.
He pinged me.
We argued more and more. Weather the mermaid he’d blogged about was actually me he was referring to or the girl.
“Would you make time for me? Would you give me romance?”
No answers. Ot was getting late and I needed to force myself to sleep. I was hurt. I layed down and went to bed. I “prayed” that the answer of the fate of our relationship would be revealed to me. I tossed and turned in my sleep. I woke up at 4.
“So is that it then?”
“What’s what then?”
“I asked you questions. You blew me off. So it sounded like I got my answer.”
“Would you make time for me? Would you give me romance?”
I went back to bed. As I got comfortable I heard a ping. I was stubborn and didn’t move. I woke up a few times again but never got out of bed until he was long passed signed out. He’d replied to me.
With the last bit of heart I had left, I wrote him an email:
When we first got together you romanced me. You did things that were so wonderful… surprises, flowers, showed me the city.
I’d thought that was always the intention to continue. But you stopped.
I have remnants around my room of the romance that was once there… of that man who would do everything he could to be with me. Of the guy who took me on adventures and places and shared so many fun times with me.
I went further into detail about a few other personal things and outlined exactly what I felt needed to be accomplished if we were ever going to get that “fresh start” again.
When Midnight broke, so did a piece of me. I know that regardless the outcome though it will be alright.
“Do you love me? Cinderella asked the Prince.
“Would you even believe me if I said yes?” he replied.
Perhaps time will tell.
A day of time out was in order. The details? I’m not going to say. But a friend told me awhile ago:
“Crazy times when sanity starts to kick in…”
Who would have known the unspoken ironies that rang true with that phrase. I take full responsibility for what happened. However, I think it’s for the best.
It’s not my business to say that their actions were wrong. The domino I started with what I’d done– again, was my volition.
My roommate and I were talking about things.. how sometimes in the heat of the aftermath of an accident, emotions are already running high and it’s natural for things to happen.
“But like they said in Speed, Jena.. it doesn’t last.”
Who knows though? I’d like to think that things happen for a reason. Maybe part of it was for good… I didn’t lose anything really, and neither did they. If it could be “stolen” it wasn’t mine to begin with. People are responsible for their own decisions after all.
I learned a lot and reached up.. I caught the air, but realized I could jump even higher. I learned more where solid ground was. That there are some relationships stronger than you’d ever imagine… and some that maybe were always destined to fall apart.
I’m first on the list… I’m adding more to it. I was silly to even consider uprooting… and although Southern California may not always be the greatest, well.. can two places become home? It’s an odd feeling.
I talked to Big again. He did what he always did… he shook me with reality. He’s right, and he always seems to be. At the same time, I felt better as the conversation parted. It was not bitter. He was still there… perhaps there is hope for a friendship afterwards. I knew what we had was stronger, in whatever way it was to be… even if we were not necessarily meant to be.
I calmed down and reached up… I calmed down and reached into myself.
Johnny 5, I’m still alive… and it’s going to be alright. With or without you.