Portrait.

Well I survived suburbia again.  This time, there wasn’t a speck of drama (for me at least.)  It was a breath of fresh air.

The formalities.  All of Los Angeles should rejoice knowing that I got a GPS.  I also got a violin, some makeup, a scarf, and a couple of items of clothes.  It wasn’t a horrible haul, but I didn’t get everything I wanted.  So, I decided to get myself a little present.  I’m buying myself a Flip camera before CES.  A little present to myself for being such a good.. erm. Yeah.

My son (6) got a few things.  He went on and on about how he wanted a skooter. I made sure he got it.  And clothes.  I’ve never seen a child so grateful he got clothes.  Each time he’d open a box with some, hed smile and rave about it before rushing to his room to put it away.

I wonder…

He had a good Christmas.  Spoiled rotten between me and his grandparents.  He was happy.  I was happy.

My cousins came over later and prepared dinner.  Ethan and I played on the Wii.  His older cousins came by and joined us.  It was like no one else was there though.  Just him and his mommy.

At work we shoot off nerf guns in the office.  When the shipment comes in, there’s a line to get them.  It’s a little perk of the office.  I love my job sometimes.  It’s very relaxed there to a degree.

I decided to get a few.  One for Ethan, one for me at work, one for the grip, and one for me when I was with Ethan.

I called all my moms side of the family and a few very close friends.  If I didn’t call you, please do not take it personally.  It was a very busy day.

All he would talk about when asked.. was that nerf gun.

“Hold on a minute.  My mom’s not looking so I need to shoot her in the butt.”

I’d hear giggling one minute and the next…

I felt like I was a kid again.  That was the tone of the day.  Me and my son having a war… my dad telling us not to run around the house with them.

And it was a good great visit.

I decided to stay the night there rather than head back here to the city.  It was time for Ethan to go to bed.  I had him read me stories.  My dad came in and told him he needed to wash up.

I whispered to my son “Tell  your grandpa you’re on vacation so you should be able to stay up a little later with mom.”

He tried.

“Go wash up.  You have to go to bed.  You can play with mom a bit more in the morning.”

Ethan changed and I tucked him in.

“Snug as a bug in a rug.”

He smiled and gave me a kiss.

Dad came in.  He grabbed a stuffed monkey next to Ethan and handed it to him.  Pulled the sheets up a little bit over and kissed him goodnight.  And before I knew what was happening, he did the same for me.

Ethan giggled.

“Ha ha.  It’s time for mom to go to bed too!”

My son held me like a teddybear and we went to sleep.

It was quite frankly the best sleep I’ve had in months.

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Hiatus

This is just a note to say I will be on a temporary hiatus from blogging for the next couple of days due to the holidays and being with family.  I don’t have a laptop and even if I did, I’m essentially barred from technology/tethers to the outside world per my father’s orders.  I feel like I’m 12.

I hate suburbia, but that’s the way it is.

See you in a few days.

All.

It’s been a long weekend but not nearly long enough. There’s so much going on that I can’t even begin to really talk about. It’s the holidays, its chaotic. Thankfully it’s the end of the year soon and wonderful things are on the horizon.

More turns of events.. forever making me realize something I should already know. But sometimes you need that little reminder.

I saw this picture on tumblr with “This Christmas” written underneath it.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Simplistic as it was, it was exactly what I needed.

No. I don’t *just*have this on Christmas thankfully. It’s a full cup. Inwardly. Outwardly.

Happily Ever Afters may exist in storybooks and fantasies, but the instances that we’re together.. and even when we’re apart are constant reminders of this one very fact.

And one last thing… a quote I remember seeing but don’t recall who said it.

True love isn’t “I love you because I need you.” It’s “I need you because I love you.”

I truly have everything I need. Good friends. Air in my lungs. Positive people. And the knowledge I’ve gained from the lessons I’ve learned to move forward.

I want it all. It’s time to go get it.

To be continued…

Truth is sometimes stranger than fiction..

I will always love him.

In my dreams, he’s the one who is there. Forever constant though the seasons change. He is the initials carved into the tree trunk.

It’s been nearly a year now. Around this time was when we started our courtship. It would be the breath of life and the last straw on the camels back. But I didn’t know it then. Or at least I didn’t want to admit that it might be. No one ever wants to believe that “it’s just too good to be true..”

Shame on me.

If there exists such a thing as destiny, it was..it is that relationship.

Flashback: Six years ago. Bassam’s cafe. Downtown San Diego. My frequent spot for coffee and smokes. Me- the girl with the red hair, fair skin, white London Fog, a notebook in the corner with my cloves. Him- sipping coffee and puffing away at Nat Shermans.

But we didn’t know each other then. Though we were both regulars to that establishment. Constant passerbys in a laid back metropolis. Faces in the crowd. No one particular.

But then history repeats itself.

Months have gone by.. 6 months passed since we’d seen eachother beyond pixels. It was like nothing had ever happened. To be continued… story of my life. It has been an epic tale of hardship and pain. But one of justification and need not for justification.

Watching Madmen this week solidified it. Everytime I’ve been with someone else, I’ve been looking for you. Why?

I reminsced about those days. Of the honeymoon period where everything was magical. Because it was. And you were. But was it really just a dream within a dream?

Those moments weren’t all magical.

So why do I crave them so badly?

***

Edit:

I think it’s mostly the wonder of “what if” that’s the draw. I can’t believe it’s been this long. Over a year of messaging and what not. And then the timing that seemed so perfect. But if it really was so perfect, why didn’t that move go so smoothly? He’d wanted it to happen. So did I… so badly.

Instead, it was one for the books. Everything fell apart just as quickly as it came together. Perhaps there’s a reason and it’s not just a coincidence. I don’t believe in coincidence anyway.

It’s not the same. It’s probably for the best. Even if you were some of the best sex I’ve ever had. I’m not sure if it was really you or it was just how tumultuous that relationship was. Emotionally masochistic that I am.

You’re gone. I’m happier. No sense living in the past anymore. I just wish you wouldn’t keep popping up everywhere. I just wish that you would fade into that background that you always wanted to be in.. but couldn’t be while you were with me, so you said.

It really is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Thank you for reminding me how strong I am. For believing in me. And for saying goodbye.

A hardened heart… but I did all I could. I’m putting you back into that fantasy and letting you exist only there. It’s better this way. I wish you all the best and am genuinely happy for you and your fair lady.

I got a message when I first met you. Do you remember?

It said: He will break your heart and you will never be the same… but he’s worth it.

How true that seems to have turned out.  If I had to do it all over.. I wouldn’t change a thing.

Stay.

Last night’s agenda?  Messed up by comic book day.  I have to remember to just not schedule anything on a Wednesday ever again.  It’s been the same routine every Wednesday for a few weeks now.  I will have something planned later in the night, and it will never happen.  So just a memo to everyone out there, consider Wednesdays booked until further notice.

I asked the grip to take my car in for an oil change when I was at work.  He left late and got stuck in traffic.  He met me out by work at a place nearby to do it, but they didn’t have the filter.

So off to home and the comic shop.

He had this grey trenchcoat and a green Multiple Man tshirt on.  I wasn’t sure which toon he reminded me of, but I couldn’t get over the deja vu.

We got back to my place and he pulled out a flash drive. I got caught up with Walking dead and was reading the singles last night.  I feel ripped off.  I’ve only read it in trades so far and if I didn’t have 6 issues to read in a sitting, I would have felt blue balled.. well if I had balls.

He renders me handicapped.  Seriously.  One minute he’s showering me with nerdy gifts, the next hes pulling my hair, throwing me on the bed and slamming me repeatedly.

I finish round 1 and attempt to turn to him.  I can’t move.  My entire body is just stuck there.

“I can’t move my legs.  You’ve rendered me paraplegic.”

He chuckled as he put his hands across my body again.

“I have to go babe.  I’m going to be late for work.”

“Be late.  Call in sick.  Just stay and fuck me repeatedly.  You know you want to.”

“I really have to go to work hun.  You know I can’t.”

He started to get dressed.  He went to the computer to put on an “exit song.”   I looked at him with puppy eyes.

“I’m not satisfied.  I didn’t get mine.”

“Liar.”

“No really, I didn’t get mine.” I said with a grin.

“You are a really horrible liar.  I have to go to work.”

“When we get our place, I want it more often.  Not like all these couples do when they move in together and poof there goes their sex life.  Are you sure you’re going to be able to handle that?”

He didn’t want to go.  I know he didn’t want to go.  I grabbed his jacket and put it on.

“This is huge dear.”

“You’re just tiny.”

“What if I showed up at your place just like this?”

“Babe I need to go, hand me the coat.”

I sat on the end of the bed and pulled his belt loops.

“You’re not going anywhere yet…”

Sometimes I always get what I want.

Almost

Hundreds of dollars could have been lost last night.. if I was an escort service.

I was talking to a possible date.  Some plans with a man I’d been writing letters back and forth to.  A figure somewhat from the past, but still new.  Another Aries.  Mo would approve.

I don’t have a name for him ye, but he works in film and I didn’t meet him at a social event.

He couldn’t last night.  He had other plans he couldn’t get out of so we had to postpone.

I was feeling lazy on a “school night” I spent some time researching, talking to friends and catching up on the last of my “Walking Dead” trades in preparation of todays comic day.

I texted the grip.  I know I could have just made other plans but I decided to let it ride.  The boy would see I’m home after all and swing by eventually, even if it was just to “fuck me in.”

Hours went by and nothing.  I called it a night and just went to bed, left the phone next to me in case someone messaged me.

I woke up at 3:30 am and checked my phone.  Nothing.  It’s out of the ordinary to not at least hear something from him.  I got his voicemail.  Maybe it was another hot set.  I wasn’t tired so I went to my computer to check my email.  He was online.

As it turns out, none of the texts I’d sent nor ones that were sent to me were ever received.  I’d woken up alone for no reason other than you Tmobile.

I was bummed.  Apparently the set had been cold so he’d just been waiting for me to message him.  He didn’t want to call me or just stop by out of respect and not wanting to “interrupt” anything.

“You should have called.  The worst that could have happened would’ve been that I didn’t pick up.”

“Well it’s one thing to know you’re on the date, but you not picking up because of it is something different.  I just didn’t want to deal with it.”

4am & I hadn’t seen him, after he’d promised the day before that I would.  No, not anyone’s fault, but I still felt robbed.

“So I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then?” I said disappointed.

He logged off.

I sat and talked to a friend a few minutes.

“I’m going back to bed, he’s not coming.”

“Don’t say that. He logged off, he’s on the way!”

“I doubt it.”

Moments later, I turned around and there he was.  A little late, but right on time…

oh bother

I knew within the first 15 minutes that it was a bust.  Few of the faces in the crowd looked familiar.  The men weren’t horrible but they weren’t great either.  City of plastic and not enough eye candy.  However where they lacked to dazzle in that dept, they made up for in conversation… well a couple of them.

It was the exact opposite for the women.  There was no shortage of one night stand material there.  Gorgeous a typical plastic wannabe posh Hollywood types.. the ones that think the labels make up for their lack of having a real defining style or composition in their dress.  The bar wasn’t high when it came to intelligence.  Tech men drooled over them, but the few intelligent women walking around knew better than to associate with the barbies.

The usual suspects were in half attendance.  Most had made their cameos and left already by the time I’d gotten there.  Last night really was more about networking than socializing.

A couple of saviors made staying half worth it.  The venue wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t the group I’d have liked to have seen.

A conversation about comic books in one frame.  Politics and my hometown.  But nothing extremely personal.  It was more small talk and face time.

Conversations about psychotic men, of writers and an assortment of both really horrible and fabulous dates since moving to the metro.

“I don’t think I’ll ever date another writer.. they’re all crazy, at least in my experience.” I said.

“I’m going to keep an eye out for some and then send em your way.  I know you want the blog fodder..”

I did a walk around the room with a friend.

No one.

And then the lights went down low.. and I thought I saw him again.

It couldn’t have been him.  That whole entrance to LA.. pulled aside in a party because he looked strikingly like…

I talked to copy 1 recently.  The “roommate” and him were doing well.  No news as to weather or not he’ll be coming to LA alone, if at all anymore though.

And copy 2?  Another phantom… grand entrance and just as quickly an exit.  But I heard a rumor he may be in town soon.  My ears perk up at the possibility.

It’s been.. months.

But it was neither.  I smiled and said my goodbyes, headed home to the grip who was due to fuck me in.. erm tuck me in and read some comic books.  Just another night in LA I suppose.

Tonight though?  Plans are.. “tenative.”

stay tuned..