“I love you but…”

is not going to be good enough for me.

It was a frustrating night last night.  Yet another night where you were not here.  This time, there wasn’t an excuse for it.

This isn’t grade school.  You can’t tell the teacher the dog ate your homework this many times and her to just give you a passing grade.

You are a grown up.

Love is a gift, not a right.

And when I give you something so very… and you say you do too, but then do things like this again

You didn’t call or message or even say you were sorry.  The fact that I had to instant message you at 3am to get a response an hour later, sans apology…

In my romantic naiveity, I want so very much to believe you when you say those three words.  I want my friends to be wrong.  I want to believe in the passion that I remember.

Memories are inherently sticky.  Those of you in the beginning… of those moments in the sun where nothing else mattered, will always make my heart tug thinking about.

“Nothing is forever.” my best friend told me.

I’m brought back to that night with Moo.  Of a discussion that continues to mean even more each day.

“Some things are meant to be legendary.”

I wonder what happened to the man I fell in love with last summer.  It is a shadow.  The season has changed.  And now, you are a ghost.

In your wake, there are questions.  I know now that it really isn’t about my wrong doings this time.

If you love someone, you move mountains for them without them asking.  You once did.

Monday morning will be tomorrow.  You will be at E3.  I’m not sure where I’ll be just yet.

This is the part in the movie where either the boy rushes to the girl…




I have to go to see my son. Afterward I think a drive along the coast may be in order.  Some roads you have to walk alone.  I’m to the point where that’s what I want to do.  It’s getting a bit easier each day when things like this happen.

“I love you, but…”

No.  If you love me, that word will not be in that sentence any longer.

I’m not a pervert, I’m a beauty enthusiast: the sensalization of video game characters in the modern era

Memorial Day has come and gone and with it brought the sun out not just for those outdoor beach nuts, but also for the nerds.  Nerds from across the country have been waiting for these sacred moments.  Ah, yes to count down the days before the two biggest conferences of the year: E3 and Comic Con.

A couple of weeks ago, there was a Pinup Fundraiser featuring Diablo Cody and burlesque pinup queen Masuimi Max.  The fundraiser was to help raise funds for military wives.  The women there, were of that 50s quality that exuded looks reminiscent to Betty Paige and Marilyn.  Even the crowd was hot.  Looking around, you were surrounded by lounge lizard dreams and Varga dames.

The same night however, on another side of town, was another burlesque show.  In fact, it was something entirely different.  It was a unique spin catered to my generation of nerds.   Instead of your standard rockabilly divas, cosplay clad women dressed (and undressed) in your favorite video game character outfits.  The light shined down yet again.  Video game burlesque had been born.

Blood Rayne (via LA Weekly)

The cast of characters was short.   Most of which stayed true to that of the 8 bit stylings that have swept the art stream- therefore appealing to a wider potential crowd.

Every gamer’s wet dream came true at Bordello on May 9 as Devil’s Playground presented Video Game Girls burlesque. The dancers arrived armed and outfitted for an arcade battle, and included Super Mario Bros. Princess Peach, Metroid’s Samus Aran, Street Fighter’s Chun-Li, The Legend of Zelda’s Link and Princess Zelda, and BloodRayne’s Rayne.

From what I’ve seen on the LA Weekly, and among the talk from friends, I would venture to say that the show went well.  I was among the first to catch wind of the story in my circle of friends and twittered immediately about my disappointment for missing the debut.  The grip, as well as my best friend Mo, all discussed it more.  Mo and I were determined to see it.

Thankfully there is still hope.  For the others like me, and those who are in town for the conference this week are open to attend an encore showing this Tuesday Night at the Bordello- the same club as it was previously.

flyer for the encore presentation of Videogame Burlesque

I’m not a pervert, I’m a beauty enthusiast.

So, hot girls wearing cosplay costumes stripping down… is bad how exactly?  You wouldn’t think so due to the ever popular and already existing erotica aimed at geeks, Nerdcore.  Nerdcore depicts pictures of girls covered in video games, to super heroes, to sci-fi true geek warefare attire…. and nude.  It has been the epicenter of nerd porn juxtaposition previous to newer alternative sites like Zivity that cater towards a more digitally connected technophile.

Nevertheless, I was reading a blog on my friend Alex’s site Girl Gamer, to see that a few people were unhappy about the burlesque show.  Strange, because most everyone I’d talked to personally (both male and female) had said relatively nothing to say beyond praise about the whole concept of it.

Don’t get me wrong, I love cos-play as much as any other geek out there, but when fantasy turns to reality in a degrading manner for female gamers just to satisfy some male fetish, I have a problem. How can the dancers arrive “armed and outfitted for an arcade battle”, when all their gear comes right off? I guess Princess Zelda has powers I’ve never heard of, and I don’t even want to ask where Princess Peach will be pulling out those mushrooms from. I have to wonder, as decade-old characters that we all grew up with, is this what we have reduced them to, and is this how we now portray them? I doubt our delicate Princess Peach would ever participate in a burlesque show, and don’t think Link or Mario would ever see the princesses as “fairest” anymore.

I’m sorry, but it’s the video game industry.  Do you really think those game developers made the characters the way they did so that you wouldn’t come back for more? It’s the entertainment industry for Christ Sakes.

Sex sells games.

That’s why there are successful game series like the Leisure Suit Larry and Dead or Alive.  Hell, in the game I tested for SOE, Untold Legends 3, if you look closely, the main playable female character’s breasts actually pulsate.  Game developers and players alike are perverts.  It’s natural.  Back in the days before it was less pop for females to like video games, the target demographic was… (drum roll please) men!

Ok, so you want to get into semantics then?  Sure, I can do that.

Don’t you also think it’s kind of odd that Princess Peach was being pursued and saved by two brothers?  Their occupation being plumbers.  Let’s be realistic.  Princess Peach was likely a slut getting her plumbing fixed by the both of them.  Toadstool was the equivalent of either her gay friend or some kid with a crush on his teacher.  And her name” Peach?”  Hmm, I wonder what that might be referring to.

Why Mario really saved the Princess repeatedly

Why Mario really saved the Princess repeatedly

The other thing is that when you add the fetish world to the equation, and the fact that the I am 8-Bit gallery exhibits and the steady stream of retro gaming energy drinks and merch of various kinds (like this blooper keychain I got last week) lining the shelves,  and graphiti making headlines and the pinup subculture gaining more appeal and this was bound to happen sooner or later.

Burlesque is a tasteful, classier, and artistic approach to making the dreams of millions come alive.  I think the cartoon above is 10xs more offensive than real women enacting pixelated fantasies on stage for fun.  Sure it’s not technically accurate to the games entirely.  It’s an artistic strip show.  They’re on the stage prancing about and dancing.  They’re not getting plunged right on the stage.  And if you’re thinking there isn’t porn out there catering to that crowd, you’re naive- especially if you live in LA or have been to any metropolitan area.

As far as the entertainment factor goes, I’m for equality. What happened to including a shirtless Rayu or Tidus? If you add men to the mix I’ll be at the front of the stage drooling.

Personally I really couldn’t get into the whole male stripper community.  Chipendales never did anything for me.  I guess because they didn’t seem real.  My idea of the perfect man… let’s just say for now that it’s not a Chipendale. I like a fit and athletic man, but honestly, beefy guys generally lead me to those 80s meathead stereotypes.

Is that hypocritical psychology?  Probably.  But no one in their right mind would say that they watched a Van Damme or a Schwartzeneger movie because they were portrayed to be intellectually superior.  It was all about the “ooo muscles” factor.

As far as the entertainment factor goes, I’m for equality. What happened to including a shirtless Rayu or Tidus? If you add men to the mix I’ll be at the front of the stage drooling.

Well, for one, Tidus was gay.  That whole thing about falling in love with Luna was likely a coverup.  I mean, look at how he was in the storyline.  Straight men just aren’t that sensitive.  Not when they dress like that.  It screams “I’m a closet homosexual.”  Which is perfectly fine and.. dandy.  I can’t bitch about it because I’m a one calorie fag too.

That said, they really should do something like this for the gaymer community. I’m sure that there’d be hordes of all walks that would love to see men dressed like Link or Ash from Streets of Rage.  I read an article awhile back that Link was voted the hottest game character by the gay community.

Ash- Streets of Rage 3 Japanese Version

Ash- Streets of Rage 3 Japanese Version

So sure, let’s make it even playing ground.  I think it would be awesome and everyone wins.  But then again, that’s what I thought about the female version.  I guess I must be a bit biased.  I mean, I’m typically “one of the guys” as far as mindset goes.  I’m open about my sexual prowess. The line of what I find being tasteless vs artful may be a bit off the conventional path.

I know that by writing this, I run the risk of potentially being seen in a very negative light.  On one hand, I’m more than likely a hero for saying what many didn’t want to say in public.  On the other, I’m sure it could be construed that I’m an asshole sexist pig.  I am willing to face the consequences.

I’m just sick and tired of people whining about every damn little thing.  The internet is evil.  Television is evil.  Wa wa wa… evil evil evil evil.

No, it’s not cheapening my experience or appreciation of the games.  I repeat the obvious, they’re for entertainment value.  So if lines of paying patrons of both sexes want to line up in droves (and I have a hunch being that it’s during E3 festivities, there will be quite a few people there) why complain?  I’d go to it regardless of the sex- regardless of my sexual preferences.  The concept melts two fantasies for me.  Beats the hell out of ren faires.

Again this is nothing compared to what they could be doing.  Open minded individuals, I’ll see you there.  I’ll be that “cool chick” with my guy friends enjoying it.  Let the flaming commence, I’ll go grab a cigarette.

Kk thnx bai.

Douchebag of the Week! Username: Rearview mirror schmview mirror

It seems that most of my douchebag of the week blogs have been about people being complete dumbasses on the road.  Yesterday’s run in (literally) was no exception.

I was making a run to my local post office on the bike to mail some postcards:  the Netherlands, China, & 2 within the US.  It’s very close to my house.  I was in a hurry to get there before it closed- as I waited until the last minute to go, so I hopped on the bike.

I was walking across the street after I’d finished my buisness to witness a woman in a minivan parked in front of me back into my scooter.

I screamed:

“You hit my bike!”

Now, for those of you that don’t know how big my bike is, here’s a shot of it parked in my garage.

It’s pretty big.  The lady had to walk past it to get into her minivan.  The fact that she didn’t take the 2 seconds to look in her rearview mirror to check behind her is just repugnant.  What if there had been a small child there?  Squish. Crunch. Splat.


Therefore this week’s douchebag of the week goes to you miss oblivious to the outside world driver lady.

Notes: my bike is fine.  She tapped it with her bumper.  Perhaps me screaming at her across the street and another guy witnessing it so she didn’t just run away helped her not do more damage than she could have.  No one was injured at all in the making of this douchebag of the week blog…. except hopefully her “pride” in being an excellent driver.

Vlog: I am a character!

Upon recently hearing about the 140 conference in New York next month, I was disappointed that I didn’t know about it sooner. I was talking to my friend Rachael (the other half of this video @1indienation on Twitter) who is one of the characters attending, and she told me I should go.

For those of you that don’t know what exactly it is, here’s a little bit about it taken directly from @jeffpulver ‘s site dedicated exclusively to the contest.

The 140 Character Conference (#140conf) will be taking place at New World Stages in New York City on June 16/17. Since announcing this conference, I continue to be humbled by the people who have come forward to be a part of it. I thank the worldwide twitter community for their interest and continued support. (Feel free to follow @140conf on twitter for updates)

While the original scope of the event was to explore “the effects of twitter on: Celebrity, “The Media”, Advertising and (maybe) Politics”, the scope of the event has expanded and we will be covering these topics and a lot more. #140conf will be taking a look at twitter as a platform and will be taking a look at some of the industries which have been disrupted by the advent of twitter.

The schedule reflects the great variety of the subject areas we will be exploring and discussing at #140conf. The speakers represent a “cast of characters” whose presence will help define this event. Our cast members are flying in from around the world to join us. And while not all members of the cast will have formal speaking roles, many will and their presence will be felt at the event. The cast members joining us will be coming from as far as away as: Perth, Australia and Doha, Qatar as well as from across North America, Europe and the Middle East. This will be a gathering of people with a variety of backgrounds and the one thing everyone who will be there has in common is twitter.

The schedule for this two day event will be unique and fast paced. It is my intention to provide a platform for as many people as possible to share their thoughts and engage in conversation with the attending delegates.

However, I am one of the many sacrificial lambs left wayside in our wonderful economic wake. While I’ve had some freelance work in the interim of that happening (by the way if anyone is looking for a copywriter or a personal assistant in Los Angeles- or anything that can be done remotely if not in LA, please by all means email me), I personally can’t afford the trip to go, let alone the conference and the rest of the sh’bang.

And so, a small video project came about. A day trip adventure to the promenade in Santa Monica, talking to random unusual strangers, toys, balloon animals, friendship, and, of course, foul language. This was just one day with me… and for anyone that reads my twitter stream, or either of my blogs, I am confident that I am indeed a character. I’m a whimsical and seemingly carefree, enigmatic woman fresh to the space and ready to make my mark.

I aspire to make the in person connections with as many as possible.

  • I want to hear your stories and have adventures with you.
  • I want to “lose virginities” with you. (Did I mention that I’ve never been to New York before?)
  • I think the trip would be excellent documentary fodder.

Life is all about the experiences and the people in your life that add to them.  I know New York would be something memorable.  So please, take a look, laugh a little, vote, and then twitter “send @scandalous to the #140conf !”

The List Blogs: “When I Grow Up”

Ever go back and remember all those careers you wanted as you were a kid? How many people actually made them happen? How many didn’t pan out what you’d thought?

As high school reunions approach, and honor of Memorial Week, here’s a few of the jobs I aspired to achieve. Some of which, still haven’t been discarded as not going to happen.

Marine biologist. Oceanographer.
I have always loved the water. Growing up, I remember trips to the zoo and the aquarium. These things have always made me smile. One of the things I want to do in my lifetime is to swim with dolphins.

Mortician. Coroner. Makeup artist to the recently deceased.
Blame being raised on Tales from the Crypt, the Munsters, and the Adams Family. My father’s favorite holiday is Halloween. So is mine. (This is among the jobs I’m considering looking into getting trained for currently actually… a truly recession proof business.)

Video game designer. Concept artist. PR for a video game company.
My first memories are of video games. I want to be part of the team that makes memorable games that people talk about for years to come. These days I’m still full of ideas for potential games, but am without the ability to make them in the manner that I’d like. (Any game publishers that are looking for unique projects please contact me, I have a few ideas I’d love to pitch.)

Costume designer. Fashion designer. Stylist. Pattern maker. Buyer. Seamstress.
I used to deconstruct and reconstruct my own clothes. Time restraints and moves have taken a toll on my time to devote to my sewing. That, and the 1960s vintage sewing machine I had, my now ex husband trashed because he’s a moron and thought it was just junk.

Writer. Novelist. Screenwriter.
I am currently writing 2 children’s books, an autobiography series, and am branching out to screenplays. It’s definitely not an easy business. I want to do it right. God knows there’s enough crap on television as it is without adding to the garbage.

Reporter. Journalist. On camera personality. Radio personality.
I want to travel and be among the gainfully employed devotees of entertainment media: music, movies, video games, art, and relationships.

Comedian. Actor.
I grew up on the stage. It’s the original reason I moved to California. However when I got pregnant with my first son I let go of that dream. I oftentimes wonder what it would have been like had I pursued my acting career. I currently do not accept applications to date actors as the ones I have dated previously have been… well rather dramatic off the stage and not in a good way. (I’d love to be proven wrong. I know some awesome people that are actors, just… yeah.)

I was in a couple of bands post and during high school (no not the marching band though and I never violated a flute). I rarely sing in public anymore. I’m not afraid to. It’s a bit odd that I really don’t. And while there has been discussion for me to sing in several alternative collaborations, none have since panned out. If you or anyone is looking for a singer for your project, please contact me. My vocal stylings are ranged.

Obituary writer. Funeral card bios.
I’ve always wondered how people got into this field of work. Summations of people’s lives and the people important to them… in a few short paragraphs.

Video editor. Graphic Designer. Crew for a theatre production. Set construction for a movie.
Old movies fascinate me. I want so much to learn how to craft an artful piece of cinematography. From the digital pieces to the hammer and nails building of sets.

Interior decorator. Set designer.
I love mixing patterns and working with the desires of a client to capture their personality and project in an aesthetically pleasing demeanor. From minimalist to traditional. Shapes, colors, swatches, and Feng Shui… divine.

High end fashion photographer. Architectural photographer. Surf/skateboard/snowboard/ bmx photographer.
Travel the world an take pictures of awesome, gorgeous things and people.

Forensics: photography and computers.
The study of decay. Of the mind and of the body.

Floral designer. Botanist.
Flowers and plants are something magical. Pretty difficult to screw up making that look nice. And people are rarely sad to get flowers… even if it’s a funeral.

Museum curator. Gallery owner. Curator at the Smithsonian.
Arts, ruins, artifacts. Holding the treasures of oddities and art. The stories untold by objects. The pieces that you marvel at and that resonate in your mind after.

And I think that’s enough.. for now.

Vlog: Time outs- Manhattan Beach (pt 1)

This year, my Memorial Day plans did not include bbq’s with friends and family or my significant other.  Instead, it was a bit of a time out.  On Friday, I was brought to Manhattan Beach for a job fair.  Since I’m still a bit leery about driving the bike on the freeway, I elected to take an alternate route.  This one in particular rode along the coast.  Miles of road and beach… and then industrial zones before beach community again.  It’s a windy and gorgeous stretch of road that has just as quickly become an integral newfound piece of solace.

On Monday, I took the drive again.  This time, taking the time out to walk around and document and talk a little bit about the journey.


It’s that time of year again.  Nearly summer and with it, the cemetery movie lineup.

The grip messaged me with a very special one coming up in June.  Time flies.  It seems like only yesterday I was unpacking a Uhaul and moving in here…  what I didn’t know would be my first summer with him.  A summer of adventure, passion, love and the excitement of a city I call “a cesspool of fun.”

The very notion of the show is enough to have me a bit giddy.  I have a list of 100 things I want to do here in LA.  It’s one that I didn’t do last summer.  This show in particular is something magical as well.  It has my most favorite actor of all time- the illustrious miss Audrey Hepburn.

With everything going on here- my own battle inside. It sent me back down memory lane.

What is it to fall in love with a ghost?

Time machine: Date 2… Spooky date.

The sun shined so brightly down on the graveyard we were at.  His name was Jack Skelington… or at least an alias was.  Back then, he radiated this presence.  He wanted to be with me so badly.  He’d bend over backwards to do it.

Still… despite our recent vow to work on things, there is so much more.  A ghost of my past has returned into the picture- of which shall remain nameless.  And although I am currently unsure why he popped up, it still makes me wonder nonetheless.  Another story.  Another time.  But not at this time.  Who knows if at any other time.

A passport.  Pending.  My heart can’t afford it any more than my pocketbook can.

“Do you truly love me?”  I asked the grip.

“More than you’ll ever realize.” he said.

In my mind, I have these staticy crackled memories on a drive-in movie screen.  Has he really become the “ghost” of a man I once loved?  Can a photograph really capture the spirit and foreshadow the future?  You sometimes waver into the real world and show signs you’re still there.  Others?  You’re so distant- as if you exist somewhere else far far from anything.

Many a thought hath creeped into my idle brain in the interim.  Months of lingering emotions not yet unleashed into the world.

Most friends tell me that it’s finished.  He keeps saying otherwise.  My heart and my brain just don’t know where to go from here.  I’m in love with this ghost.  And while we work on things, that’s what it feels like he is.

“It seems like you’re miles apart physically but together emotionally.” a someone said.

Oh you have no idea m’dear.  Just… no idea.

In rememberance

Memorial Day.

The day we take the time to remember all those dear to us and lost.  A time to think about the things we once had and cherished- the things we should have cherished when we had them.

Today is not a sad day.  It’s one of looking back and also looking forward.

“I’m just a fucked up girl who’s looking for her own piece of mind.”

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been doing a lot of both.  I’ve been trying to find myself.  Where have I been?  Where am I headed?  Where do I ultimately want to be?

The grip and I have been having some major conversations lately.  It hasn’t been a secret that for some reason I keep going back to him.  What’s the reason?  It should be obvious.  I’m madly in love with him.  Today is the day I admit it.

I’ve been in other relationships in the meantime since our more semi recent breakup.  For some reason, I am just unable to connect the way I did with him.  And when it finally got to the point where it was looking more serious, I freaked.  I’ve been holding a torch for this man even when I’d been trying to get over him.

Love or stupidity?

In the heat of an argument he told me to watch a certain movie.  He said that it was exactly how we were.

I have a confession to make:

I hold grudges.  Very… specific… movie grudges.    Or three in particular.

It should not be a bit unsurprising, given my love of film and art, that I would have an argument based on movies with very specific roots only to never recover from them.

This movie was one that my ex husband and I had argued about.  I knew when it came out that it would be one of my favorites.  He not only refused to watch it- calling it artistic saccharin induced dribble… but to insult me, actually rented it and shoved it in my hands to insist I watch it alone.

I’m not/I haven’t been:

  • the greatest girlfriend.
  • Wife.
  • Significant lover.
  • Insignificant other.

It’s in realizing what you’ve lost that you can focus on what you need to do to get to where you want to be… and sometimes, that’s exactly where you were before.

The movie?  Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Sure she’s nuttier than a loon.  But for some reason… despite all of it, he loves her.  He’s the rock of stability and she’s this stream of color and chaos.  Combined, their adventures are both… “volatile and scandalous.”

The story is told through the eyes of the man, Joel who has been broken up with and soon realizes that his girlfriend has gone through an experimental procedure to have her memory of him erased.  In his frustration with her, he decides to get the process done to himself as well.

While it is going, you will see, at the start of the movie, the woman, Clementine appears to be this insane psycho.  She’s a mess.  He’s quiet and introspective with artistic tendencies.  She’s philosophical and eccentric.

As the movie progresses you see it’s quite the contrary.  They had a rich love affair, that, sure, wasn’t always perfect… but it shined.  It was magical.  And Joel realizes that he doesn’t want to forget her.

A few parts of the movie really stick out in my mind.  But this one, where they are in a house and he runs away…

HE: I wish I had stayed.

SHE: Was it something i said?

HE: Yes.  I was scared.

SHE: I’m sorry…  Joel? What if you stayed this time?

What if…

I watched the movie in revered silence.  As I recommend that you do as well.  Think about the courses of actions that you take.  Think about the memories you are building your future on.

SHE: It’s almost over.  What do we do?

HE: Enjoy it.

I screwed things up before.  I made the wrong choices.  I need to make them right this time.

I’m not/I haven’t been:

  • the greatest girlfriend.
  • Wife.
  • Significant lover.
  • Insignificant other.

Against much resistance and turmoil, I’m going to give this one more try.  I may be an idiot, but there have been crazier things that have happened before in the name of love…. So this should be nothing.  Nay.  It isn’t.  It’s more than that.  It’s the first real, unselfish something I’ve done in a long time.

Here’s hoping for a happy ending… with a new beginning.

It’s in realizing what you’ve lost that you can focus on what you need to do to get to where you want to be… and sometimes, that’s exactly where you were before.  Never to be taken for granted ever again.

Hard anniversaries- Mother’s Day

Something very very dreadful happened on Mother’s Day 2006. Today is not a happy day. Today, rather, is a bit of a time out. Of more time reflecting and thinking…
Not to run from the past, but forging forward through the battleground with a harder heart and thicker skin. Tomorrow the sun will shine and I will still be a mother. Who needs a day to dictate this being a hard journey?
Oh you have no idea. No idea.

Aspirations: I want to be like my Mommy

My son is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.  He is my angel.  He saved my life… literally.  Ages before “scandalous” existed… well, things were a bit way more scandalous.  I was a dumb kid.  Fresh to California from the midwest.  I came out here originally to pursue an acting career (which still hasn’t happened).  I have a background in Drama and performing ever since I was a toddler.

I met Ethan’s father in a Yahoo chat room, back in the days where it was still fresh to be dating off this vast space we call “the internet.”  He was my age.  Tall.  Nerdy.  He loved Monty Python, soccer, and video games.  He was a barista for a local coffee shop in Larkspur, CA.  We dated briefly before I decided to take the visit up there.

“My family wants to know the address of where I’m going when I see you.”

“Sure its [redacted] would you like to call and make sure I work at the coffee shop too? Here’s that info [redacted]”

“You’re being silly now… “

“Would you like my social security number?  I’ll give you that too..”

I should have gotten that.  I found out later he lied about nearly everything he’d told me.  While yes, he did work at that little coffee shop, he lied about his birthday.  He lied about stupid things for reasons unknown.. that I will never know.  He also never told me that he was married…

liar, liar

liar, liar

There are two reminders of him.  A little stuffed Cheshire cat he got at Disney when he picked me up to go, and.. Ethan.

I found out shortly after that trip that I was pregnant.  I remember the day vividly.  My friend Tino brought me to a clinic to get a test.  I was trying to keep it a secret.  I was going to get some cigarretes after, providing the test came back negative.  Tino ended up crushing the pack of smokes I had at the time.

Upon informing him that I was indeed pregnant with Ethan, his father poofed.  He was never present in Ethan’s life in any form or fashion.  I found out a year ago that his father died of cancer.  He was 22.  I was destined to be a single mother.

They say it takes a village to raise a child.

My family encouraged me to keep the baby, and told me that they would help me.  I am forever thankful for the people that are in my life… especially them.  Despite my tribulations with them, they have been there when it comes to Ethan.

My oldest son is one of the easiest children to care for and love.  I am very “blessed.”  After my marriage failed, I knew that it was in his best interest to go with my dad- a more 9-5 “normal” lifestyle- while I started on my journey to really get on my own two feet and really dive into the entertainment industry full force.  My other children are living with their father- my ex husband- currently.

I go on visits once a week down to Claremont (a little town 45 minutes east of LA)  to see my 6 year old.  He lives with my dad in suburbia.  The schools are better, and it’s the best situation for him.

My grandmother- one person whom is the foundation of much of my interests artistically, is the most important person in his life.  She is the exact opposite of dad.  Dad is black and white.  She’s full of color.

My grandmothers traditional and old fashioned values attributed to her time and where she grew up- the country areas outside of Chicago and her Roman Catholic background shaped my father to be this very conservative corporate man.  Dad understands business.  He wanted more than that country lifestyle.  He loves numbers.  He loves the things that are clear cut.  He’s great with other people’s money.  He’s horrible with his own.

Grandma is an artist.  She paints and gardens.  She loves all things whimsical.  She’s a packrat of awesome treasures.  She throws away nothing. She’s eccentric.  She’s wonderful with young children.  I remember the days of growing up and spending summers on the screened in porch painting side by side in pigtails.

My dad, whom I used to think was the coolest person ever growing up, has slowly but surely become… well, a scorn old man.  I represent much of what he has always feared and loathed growing up. I represent the never growing older aspect of things imaginary and artistic.  The same man who raised me on baseball, comic books, rock music, movies,  and Nintendo, despises any interests that I have of becoming part of the machine to make any of those things realities.

Years later… we are far away from home.  His “out there” daughter wanted to pursue the arts, and her first trip to the bay area resulted in her getting knocked up.  I have worked in entertainment and various writing gigs.  I’m… everything that he doesn’t understand.  However, I’m also my dad’s favorite because strangely enough, I’m most like him in personality. My dad will always see the little girl in pigtails.  But now, he sees her on a motorcycle with “dangerous boys” and knows that I will partake in all that dad tells me not to because, well it’s fun.

This weekend was supposed to be something wholesome.  He picked me up and brought me to my first Dodger’s baseball game.  They were playing San Diego.  Sorry LA, I had to root for my real “home” team.

The day was very well.  Despite the fact that I was melting from under the sun, and the Padres lost horribly, we had a really good time.  I went back to dad’s afterwards to spend the remainder of the day with my son, playing baseball and watching Spongebob.

My dad has new neighbors.  They’re a group of young musicians about my age. They were playing basketball when we initially got to dad’s place.  I wanted to go say hello but held back.  And then they started playing Green Day.

My son started dancing.  A smile crept up on my face… which was immediately shattered as if a magnetic force was in play- my dad came out to ruin it.

I’m sure in his mind he was thinking something along the lines of:

“I do not want to come home one day and hear someone screaming next door and it to be my daughter..”

Dad shooed my son and I into the house and closed all of the windows.

“You are not to talk to them at all or go near there.”

Suddenly I’m 15 again.  I don’t think my dad honestly thought this would work.  In reality, he just told me to do it.  I’ve found that everything that my dad has told me not to do, has generally been the best thing for me to do and vice versa.

For example (and I hold myself accountable inevitably for all of this):

Love & Marriage

My dad told me that getting married was the best decision to make.  I was pressured by my family’s old fashioned values to get married.  I could not possibly be happy with living with someone and having a family with said person without a piece of paper giving me a tax writeoff.  To me, I knew that this piece of paper to say “this is who I’m with” was not only relatively unnecessarry, but it was giving someone the tools to “not only fuck you in the bedroom, but also in a courtroom.”  This is coming from a man who is also divorced and married my mother because he got her pregant.  Pot calling the kettle black?  Yes the divorce was worth it.

Moving to LA

I moved a few times since my marriage broke up in San Diego.  I knew that ultimately, I wanted a career in the entertainment industry.  It was the first and foremost point of why I moved to California in the first place.  My dad saw the opportunities here as well, which is why he works in downtown Los Angeles. However, when I expressed interest in moving out of suburbia to the greener pastures of a city filled with more opportunities within my preferred industry of choice, dad said no.  It has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

Getting a motorcycle

Ok, so it’s only a scooter.  When  I told my dad about the multiple problems I was having with the beast and the potential offer to get my bike, dad immediately freaked (and bought me a car).

“You will die on a bike.  I give up. “

I decided to keep it under wraps that I did end up getting the bike until after my uncle was on the way out with the car dad had bought for me.  I felt like a kid hiding that damn bike.  It was peculiar because, well… I’d told other family about it (including my grandparents that drove the car out from IL.)

I’d gotten spoiled with it…  I elected not to go anywhere where it required me to take the freeway- and thus take the beast.  I’m not freeway legally as of yet, and well.. gas in a car is expensive, especially that car.

That bike has been the saving grace for the multiple instances I’ve gotten lost or when I’ve been frustrated.  There was even a really really phenomenal date that’s associated with that bike.  Whenever something is bothering me, it seems to be cured near instantly upon getting on that bike.

Even after driving home in a sportscar Monday, I still was a bit bummed.  Why?  Because I missed my damn bike.  Go figure.

But back to the rocker neighbors…

Instinctively, I knew that I was going to go over there.  I wanted to make sure that those guys were not intentionally messing with my dads yard like he was roaring about.  I stepped outside to have a smoke… my stepmother saw me and knew exactly what was going on.  She raised a finger to her mouth as if it were her little secret and opened the garage door.

My dad must have known.  He came outside 5 minutes later and proceeded to bitch at me like I was a child.

“I specifically told you not to go over there…”

“Yes you did.  I’m also [redacted] years old and you are not going to tell me who I can and cannot talk to.  You are embarrassing by doing this”

I went back inside and tucked my son into bed.

“Mom did you go over there because they were playing music?”

“Yes I did.”

“Mom do guys that play the drums or the guitar get the girls?”

“Yes son they do.”

“Mom I want to play the drums or guitar when I get bigger then..”

That a boy.  That’s definately my kid right there.  Take that one daddy.

I represent much of what he has always feared and loathed growing up. I represent the never growing older aspect of things imaginary and artistic.  The same man who raised me on comic books and Nintendo, despises any interests that I have of becoming part of the machine to make any of those things realities.