Brutal honesty: Unhappiness in the military

DISCLAIMER: As a note to all my friends and to people all over the world within the military, this blog is not to belittle your efforts, dedication, hard work or jobs.  I know that there is so much that you do than what is in the focus of this blog.  This is to those lost souls that have turned to the military to complete themselves rather than a foundation based in patriotism.

On one gaming forum that I belong to, I’ve made a few friends-people that have both helped me through hard times as well as touched me through their laughter, stories, and support.  This is the story of one of them.

His name is Hazard Cheif and he’s a pathological liar.  At first, I just thought he was kidding around.  Then the lies got bigger… mafia, car races, cheating girlfriends (ok that one could have been true), boats, yadda yadda yadda.

Sometimes it was funny.  I mean, it felt like a game to a degree.  But over time it became less and less funny.  As a friend, quite frankly I hoped that he would get past this stage in his life and start on the path to finding himself.  Given that I have been on this road (looking to find myself not the pathological lying bit), I distanced myself.  I never really disappeared but I also wasn’t there all of the time.

Once in awhile he will message me.  We will have a bit of loose conversation and then back to poof.

Last night was one of those nights…

(11:44:22 PM) supernerdlady: are you done with the pathological lying yet?
(11:44:33 PM) HaZaRd Cheif : ha yes actually
(11:44:42 PM) HaZaRd Cheif : i’ve left it behind me
(11:44:49 PM) HaZaRd Cheif : along with alot of people
(11:44:58 PM) HaZaRd Cheif : im in the US Navy now

Conversation continued more as I asked him about postcards. He said that he was stationed stateside and had not yet been deployed but would send some when he was.  And then he started to mention that he was actually looking forward to deployment…

(11:47:35 PM) supernerdlady: thats not something to look forward to
(11:49:36 PM) HaZaRd Cheif : i’ve never left the US
(11:49:59 PM) HaZaRd Cheif : it’ll be a chance to see new cultures learn new things meet new people
(11:51:55 PM) HaZaRd Cheif : other than that shit life has actually kinda sucked

It was abundantly clear that he’d joined the service in an attempt to get away from reality rather than face his issues.  As a good friend, I didn’t pander to his statements where he tried to rationalize his choice…

(11:53:33 PM) supernerdlady: escaping doesnt solve anything
(11:53:42 PM) supernerdlady: but thats one thing the service is good for i guess
(11:53:55 PM) HaZaRd Cheif : yea i guess.
(11:54:00 PM) supernerdlady: you dont need to focus on yourself bc you can just do what they tell you
(11:54:03 PM) supernerdlady: be how they tell you
(11:54:36 PM) HaZaRd Cheif : i’ve already been in for a year and 3 months, and i feel like i havent really done anything with my life thats really of any importance
(11:54:57 PM) supernerdlady: what dictates whats important or not?
(11:55:11 PM) supernerdlady: did you learn anything in that time?
(11:56:00 PM) HaZaRd Cheif : i learned…. heh, how to iron military creases in my uniforms, alot about the UCMJ, and that i despise marines… ha

Now before you start with the hate mail, as I stated in the disclaimer above, I will reiterate that this blog is not to belittle your (anyone within the military or friends of someone within the service’s) efforts, dedication, hard work or jobs.  I know that there is so much that you do than what is in the focus of this blog.  This is to those lost souls that have turned to the military to complete themselves rather than a foundation based in patriotism.

He was unhappy and didn’t see just how unhappy he was, or rather, he didn’t know how to.  And then, it happened.  The beginning of the potential end of our friendship…

(12:15:50 AM) supernerdlady: at least its a steady paycheck
(12:15:54 AM) supernerdlady: thats more than i have
(12:16:24 AM) HaZaRd Cheif : yea
(12:16:40 AM) HaZaRd Cheif : id trade the paycheck for happiness anyday

Tick, tick boom.

That was it for me.  I told him flat out what I thought about his statement, and it was not pretty.  It’s so not pretty that I am not going to post it. But here’s a summation of how it went:

I told him that I “would take my poor, artistic, extremely happy but not always perfect or stable paycheck existence over a life like what he was living- without decision making or happiness over his any day.”  I wished him the best of luck to find whatever it is that he is looking for and that the only person that could save him was himself.

It was harsh, brutal honesty.  I let him go.  I meant what I said.  I felt really bad about it.  I know he’s not the only person going through this… so many others like him are experiencing this same pain.  Why doesn’t anyone do anything for these men and women?  Is a future with your own voice really that bad?  In the process of giving someone something they can be confident and successful in with moving up ranks and encouragement, we walk away from what really matters: that same application inwardly.

Mr Hazardous Chief, tread safe out there.  I hope you find the beacon to guide you home safely soon.

Relevance? Unknown

I had.. the most bizarre dream last night.

And you were there.

And so were you.

I don’t remember all of it.

Hell, I don’t remember much of it.

Is it odd for an atheist to pray?

Isn’t a thought released to the air really just the same thing?

What is a prayer exactly?

Another time.

Another story?

This one is just about a wish.

Yes, yet another wish.

Because if you can’t dream it, you can’t realize it.

If you can’t realize it, you can’t actualize it.

If you don’t know what you want, your odds of getting it.. well, they just aren’t as likely.

A discussion with my roommate last night bid some inner reflection.

I was exhausted.  Yesterday was a long one.  But even when my body begged me to stop, I just kept going.

I had to ride out the storm.

I had to punish myself so I knew when I was finally there that I’d deserved it.

But I deserve everything along the way too.

The heartache.

The pain.

The levity.

The letdown.

Talking.  More and more talking.

I’m fortunate enough to be surrounded by such a wonderful support group.

“The thing was.. over the past months you were with him, you grew up immensely.  He, on the other hand, just remained the same.  If anything, he regressed.”

My head is…

I’m so…

~L.

the grip

Mr Parker

the panther

etcetera. etcetera.

There’s alot you don’t know… that you’ll never know.

“I think you’re reaching far too low than you should be.  You are worth so much more than you have been giving yourself credit for.” said another good friend, regarding business affairs.

But the statements…

“Women seem to have it either one extreme or the other.  It’s either full fledged all out full of themselves intensity or no self esteem at all.”

Potential.

Love.

Success.

Dreams.

I was about to go to sleep when he messaged me.  He just won’t let me let him go.

“Is there ever a time when you’re not amazing?”  I asked him.

But that’s yet another story.

I “prayed.”

I wished.

I dreamed.

And you were there.

And so were you.

I don’t remember all of it.

Hell I don’t remember much of it.

I couldn’t see faces.  I can only remember one name.  I’m not even sure if it was the person in the dream.

I remember very little.  But what pieces I do, I remember vividly.

I was sitting across the table from a gentleman.

He asked me:

“Why couldn’t I be your first choice? Why am I not your first choice?”

And I said:

“You already are. You always were.”

And then I woke up.  I tried to remember more of the dream.  I couldn’t.  It was driving me batty.

I forced myself to get back to sleep, determined and vigilant to uncover the subliminal messages underlying within.

I remember one name:

yours, Mr Parker.

Even still, I’m not sure.  I woke up again.

No answers.

Just stillness.

Is it odd for an atheist to pray?

Isn’t a thought released to the air really just the same thing?

I just kept going.

I had to ride out the storm.

I dragged myself out of bed.  I saw Mr Parker online.

“You should call me.  I miss your voice or something.”

“Or something… ” he said, as if he already knew.

…Or something…

I drove to work.  The words stirred in my head.  Everything about last night.  Everything about this morning.

I pulled into my spot and went to walk upstairs.  I lifted my eyes up and there you were.

What’s the meaning of all of this?  I’m unsure.

No answers.

Just stillness.

I have to keep going.

I have to ride out the storm.

Lessons Learned this week

• 20- Hot curlers can “safely” be left on all day.
• 19- No matter how cute you look in short shorts or a short dress, DO NOT even think about wearing it in public in a club or a bar unless you want every single loser to approach you. Because the worthwhile guys will not approach someone that looks like a hooker unless they just want sex. Ladies, DO invest in a couple of pairs of really good jeans.. or jeans with a “handle.” I swear by mine. Also DO wear the top thats low enough to show off, but not so low as your ladies are everywhere to be seen.
• 18- Racial or religious discussions should never be discussed while drinking. Nor at work. This is something I knew already but however it still happened.
• 17- Many people do not understand what’s involved in the fetish scene.. even people who think that they really do. And people that you may think wouldn’t, you need to look out for.. because they probably actually do have more of an idea then you think.
• 16- If you want to see just how tough a guy is call him a vagina even in teasing or question his manhood. The more you do, the more he will feel the need to prove that he’s a man. This is actually quite awesome a majority of the time. It will tell you which ones have a sense of humor and which ones just don’t have the skin tough enough to deal with it. (Btw, yes this was a test, you passed)
• 15- If you’re going to get drunk and text, twitter it. Why? Because even if it doesn’t go through on there, it will still go through to your Friendfeed, and you can go “Wtf was I thinking?!” later (this is really bad advice btw)
• 14- When all is said and done, no matter how much your best friend detests who you are interested in, she will still be willing to put the both of you up in her apartment cross country.. provided you are not that one guy she personally can’t stand (and no dear, she’s not even talking about you.. she said she would deal with you… lol.. just not dakine)
• 13- Cool people write you a message telling you happy birthday in a digital means. Awesome people send you hand written cards in the snail mail and send you flowers from halfway across the world. (I appreciated both btw, just laugh if you didn’t do the second part!)
• 12- The way you can truly gage a friends love for you is not how much money they are able to lend you in a bind, how often they call or write.. no the way to any friends true heart is if they are willing to spend 12 hours slaving over apple butter because that’s what you said you had a craving for.
• 11- Fake eyelashes turn heads… like majorly in a good way, in the right places… in most everywhere I went actually.
• 10- If you have to pack extra shoes, double check both are in your bag. Specifically in a rush. Or I hope that you’re happy with the other ones.
• 9- Never call work and ask about friends switching shifts before plans are indeed solid solid (which is weird because its part of making them solid solid)
• 8- Never have clean clothes on the floor of any room while drinking. It doesn’t matter if you are the one drinking or they are. If you don’t want to do laundry later, just move em.
• 7- Never carry a book with the word “Sex” vividly on the cover on any form of public transportation. Even the ones who look conservative will wink at you… it doesn’t matter how classy you dress.
• 6- Never get on/pay for a train before asking the question “Are you sure you want me on this train?” no matter what the conversation sounds like before doing so.
• 5- When you know your limit, tell people that are too drunk to understand, just to stfu.
• 4- Never leave the house without spare lipstick, eyeliner, the cell phone, music, pen, and notebook. Also for me, it’s my camera, extra batteries, and chargers.
• 3- The timetables and phone numbers of the Metrolink, Amtrak, and all bus services need to be memorized, put on speed dial on the cell, and rushed last minute emergency procedures need to be planned in advance, so as not to miss any trains or busses in the future.
• 2- All tech devices are to be kept charged as much as possible at all times. Having multiple chargers is a must for would be last minute travelers.

and the biggest, most important rule of all…

• 1- If its a weekend, or any day that you think your friends may have off, ALWAYS, and yes ALWAYS get dressed that day like you are going to have a last minute date.. because you never know when someone will randomly call and just say “hey, let’s do something…”

(case in point, it’s 1030 am and I have a date right now and need to head out.. and of course I was too busy making this list then to get dressed and ready to go out =p)

A lil tony robbins action- pt 1

I was being nostalgic in the wee hours of the morn when I ran across a statement that hit a little too close to home.

You can never take a man away from his one true love.

Too many degrees.  It stings everywhere.

From the narcassist-   When I first entered my marriage, my fiance knew that I had a passion for photography.  As you can tell from the updated stream, it is a part of me.  That part was put on hold however.  When the marriage dissapated, my photography came back and flourished.  I felt a renewed sense of being.  It is my one true love.

To the dater- Foreshadowing, a woman came into view that spoke words of warning.  “She is his one true love.”  I use the term “she” in loose terminology.  Work, lovers, etcetera… the devil lies in the details.  A short time later, sure enough… that was over.  Or, another leaf turned?  I still don’t know for sure.

To friendships- She loved the theatre.  It’s no surprise that she fell in love with New York.  That was probably a given actually.

All commonalities.  All “you should have knowns.”  So why does it still sting?

Because reality reared its ugly face.  La la la life goes on.

There is an aura abound.  We chase these firecracker moments… we oooh and ah at the sparkle and shimmer.  We don’t want to think about the end of the stick.  All we want… is to be forever entransed in that moment.  For the passion and love of it all.

Humans aspire to be something more.  We want fame.  We want this glory.  We want people to notice us.  But so few really show what it is that they love.  The man that does, is either shun or idolized.  Usually one rather than the other, but some fortunates get both.

A friend of mine once said:

I’m a person and not a possession.  The only things that own me are my passions.-Molly Kurtz

Another business friend told me something equally as powerful.  He said, in such simplicity:

Whatever you are, just be proud of it. -Scott Hartsman

There are a few true loves.  But when I look back at my life, at the constants, it’s kind of surprising personally.  What are your constants?  How have they effected the person that you are today?  Personally.  Professionally.  Artistically. Intellectually.  Spiritually.

Even with silly things, you will most likely see a common bond.  I believe that’s where the heart of change is.  It’s self realization.  Find your heart and go with it.  Weather it be work, family, or play.. live a life of passion.  Be passionate about something.  Be passionate about someone.  Its a highly underrated way of life that so many people seem to lose sight of.

Why do you think so many of us starving artists are so happy despite it all?  Because if all we have is that something, it’s still enough yet not enough at the same time.

Pardon me while I Kvetch

Awhile back, I casually introduced my best to a friend of mine.  I’ve known this other friend longer than my best, and have honestly flirted with him a bit in the past. That, however has little to nothing to do with this… but it’s part of todays ramble.

My best friend lives in the middle of abobinamable snowville… also called igloo town.. you know it as by it’s common name however-Alaska. How in the world does someone from Southern California manage to have a best friend up there you ask? Meeting her was actually a very odd tale. But not too too odd given that this is a digital age.

Yes, I seem to be a repeat masochist in long distance relationships. It has to do with some underlying issues, and I know exactly why. But once upon a time, I used to date a fellow Alaskan. One that used to be friends with her.

Now I love my best friend to death. I call her my wife. She is the first person I go to with most anything. She is my confessional, and I’m hers. We have a very strong relationship. Even people that do not like us both understand the kinship.

Something important about her that should be out there. She is one of a handful of whimsical people still in existence that I know. She is a rare breed. She is well versed, and grounded, while her head is in the clouds at the same time.

However… I’m not very thrilled right now about her.

When not involved with someone, she is the most wonderful and die hard loyalest friends. However once there is a guy in the picture, she seems to poof.

Enter my guy friend- cross country even. It was pretty casual that I introduced them. He’s one of those guy friends that I seem to know almost too well. He’s one I’d flirt with, probably even sleep with and date if he was local, but I’m not sure about serious. Not that he’s a bad guy, but he’s young.

Good guy friend. Best of gal friends. I knew she’d be into him. Why did I do that?

“You’re the best Yenta matchmaker ever!” she says after returning from the first trip she’s made cross country to see him.

I want to be happy for her. I really am happy that they are happy. However… it’s a bit frustrating. I feel like I’ve lost my friend to vagina filler.

Here I am in one hand all rooting for my friends. In the other, I’m walking the line very carefully worrying that it’s going to blow up and then I’m going to hear about it.

The timing for this is all bad as well. I’d been talking to the person I met her through recently as he lives nearby, and was really excited about possibly seeing them again. He’s moving back to Alaska next month. I made a promise to myself that I was going to stick to within the state long distances tops ha.  So there goes that.

For me, those long distances just don’t work… not to that extreme. Cross country? Um, how the hell do people do that? I thought that was the stuff that only works out in fairytales and movies.

And honestly, I really don’t want to be the matchmaker. Call me selfish but if I get to kiss frogs awhile and all that.. I mean, I have a blast dating frequently. I enjoy committed relationships as well. I don’t need them, but they’re enjoyable.

Am I jealous that she’s possibly found Prince Charming at 21 versus me being a “puma” and having firecracker romances but no “afters?”  It’s too soon to tell.  The main thing that bothers me is that I feel I’m losing my best friend… and what’s worse, is that it’s to another one of my friends and my own damn fault.

What I’m getting at is this: Why do women blow off their friends the moment that a guy comes in the picture? It annoys the piss out of me. Am I just getting old?

I think I have a little bit of a reason to vent here. If you’re with someone, fine. Just don’t go making promises to people and have them thinking you’re all going to do x thing, and then blow them off for a cock or a vagina.

Be real.  Be honest.  I don’t expect to have your attention every waking hour.  But phone calls that happened daily turned into happening once a week… to twice a month.. to.. catch her on x social network because she may reply faster there.

What I’m saying is, I want the cake, but found out it was a lie. My foot tastes like chicken.