Hard anniversaries- Mother’s Day

Something very very dreadful happened on Mother’s Day 2006. Today is not a happy day. Today, rather, is a bit of a time out. Of more time reflecting and thinking…
Not to run from the past, but forging forward through the battleground with a harder heart and thicker skin. Tomorrow the sun will shine and I will still be a mother. Who needs a day to dictate this being a hard journey?
Oh you have no idea. No idea.

breathing room

Last night I should have been at the W.  Or I’d heard it was the W.  I’d heard it was the Edison.  I saw the tweets a couple hours after I’d gotten back from the bar.  I’d gone to watch some good ole baseball at our regular spot in Culver with one of my guy friends.  It had been a good night.

I was called about the project starting Monday.  Finally.

Maybe if I had gone to the W it would have been a little less dramatic than it ended up being.

Maybe I’m due a trip to the ocean again.  Maybe I’m just premenstral.

I had an argument about intimacy with the grip.  He hadn’t seen my recent post and had no sleep due to short gaps in between work shifts.  He worked 19 hours yesterday.  I’d been stressed about things earlier.  About him not sleeping here the other night.

I know that without the work it’s driven me a bit batty.  I feel the weight of things much more.  And him not being here while hinting at wanting to go serious.. I snapped.  I was a pill to deal with.  I was honest and brutal.

I was responding to emails when I saw my friend R online.  We started talking a bit.

Jennifer

blah petty emotions

10:52pm R

hardly… you’re ripe, very ripe.

the question is, are you willing to let go to get what you want.

10:54pm R

cause if you are, then I can show you a few things.

It’s not often enough that I do a complete disconnect, but that conversation last night inspired me to remember to do it more.  He asked me to shut down my computer and free myself of all distractions.  I did, and I’m really thankful for it.

Sometimes you have to take the time out of your day, close your eyes and breathe.  You have to remember that you don’t need anything.  All you need, you already have.

The grip came over early this morning.  He was exhausted.  All we did was sleep.  I disconnected again.  I just existed.  Miraculously, everything was alright.  It really is going to be alright.  I’m confident in that.  I’m confident in me.  I’m confident in him.  I’m confident in where I’m headed.  It’s going to be a long road but the best things come with a fight.