And the rest is up to destiny

Interview this morning.  The big one.

If I get this job, I have the apartment.. I become a San Diego resident within the month.  If not, the clock goes back a bit.. I stay here in Claremont a bit longer.  I save some more money.  I remain focused on the goal.  3 more months is all I’d want to stay here if I can’t go now.  I still want to push the mark.. to tow the line.

Deep breaths.  Kisses good luck.

Poised.  Ready for the kill.  Dressed to kill.  High heels and red hair.

Just got done.. will know by Thursday.  It went well, but I’m still not sure about it.  I went in confident… presented myself accordingly.

I was so nervous beforehand.. I just drove and got lost for a bit.  I’m planning on going to Mount Soledad today… perhaps the beach.  I don’t have to have the car back until Wednesday night.  No plans tommorrow, nor work.  Huge appointment on Wednesday again.  This is going to be a big week.

I had a talk with my dad before I left.  I explained to him that this would make me very happy, but if I didn’t get this.. that I would be taking a different plan to get to the same ultimate destination.  San Diego will be home by the end of the year.  Period.  He needs to accept it.

I was firm, but warm.  I know my dad.  His heart is in the right place and he’s worried.  As much as I’m nervous.. I’m…

Sometimes you have to take a few moments and savor the sunshine.  I’m going to walk the beach today.  Perhaps have a margarita.  I’m not sure where the wind will take me… but I will go with it and weather the storm.

And that’s enough cheese for now… Sushi plans are in order first.

sometimes you just have to smile and nod

“Your heart is in San Diego.. It’s quite obvious…” she said in a rushed disdain.

She’s right.  I never denied that.  But I know how I work… and that statement has nothing to do with that.

Friends and work.. the few times that I’ve tried to do that… heh… reminded once again why I really don’t.

“I think that you honestly don’t want me to go.”

“I want you to go when it’s right.  I think you need to ask God about it.”

And now, God?


I slammed the brakes a bit.  There’s no reason for this to come about.  I have enough on my plate than to deal with this too.  And now.. well.. she knew this was coming up soon.  I was upfront and honest about it.

“I have to be in San Diego on Monday for an interview. If it worked out, then it would be wonderful.  It’s a fulltime position and could be a very good step for me regardless of where it’s located.  I have to make bills.. If I get it, I will let you know as soon as possible.  I really do enjoy working here, and will miss it here.. but you’re right.  That’s my home.  I really wish that you could understand that.”

I felt as if I was having an argument with my dad again.  I know at the heart of it, her intentions are all well.  Because, well, if a couple of factors don’t happen right, I’ll be extending my stay in Claremont, and then commuting back and forth more while I save, find another place, etc etc.

This week is going to be a slam.  I’m booked with appointments and priorities.  Left open to breathe a little.  Just remaining quiet except to a select few.

“I think the reason things seem to be going like they are, is a test.  God is testing you to see how badly you want this.  I think it will work out for you.. in time.  I’m just worried.”

The things we do to get to our dreams… but if it was easy, then everyone would do it.

“In a way, I’m kind of envious.  You have goals.  You know where you want to be.  You just have to find the path to get there… and you have ones to choose from.” a friend told me last night.

Theres a fervor inside me.  I believe in this.  I’ll always find a way..

ah thats right, ill bend over again now…

Something very personal needed to be done yesterday. It was extremely important, and needing to be taken care of in a last minute fashion.

I’ve dealt with lawyers that have had more ethical practices than what I walked into yesterday. It started first by a 10pm phone call the other night on my way back from San Diego. What professional calls someone to make an appointment at that hour? Granted, as I said, the appointment was pertinent of importance. That seems an inappropriate hour for something like that.

Still, after some disagreement about it..I still proceeded with the appointment. It was… not something I am confident about completely.

My father does alright for himself. I won’t lie. But he’s not a rich man any more than he’s not a poor man. This “professional”… knowing that he was going to be paying for it.. gauged me on that.

Before the services were rendered, she stated that she would make arrangements with me. After, of course, was now a different story. I was backed into a corner. She said that my dad made enough to come up with the full amount for the services rendered. And that I’d better come up with it.

“If it’s $1000, then I will make arrangements.. if its any less however, I expect to be paid immediately..”

Awesome. I’m glad I came to a professional establishment to be treated like that. I’m curious what the report she writes up will be.. if its essentially going to be to my benefit or really just fuck me over even more so than she’s trying to screw me for financially.

Gotta love supply and demand right? I think I may report her. Everything about that incident was shady. I love my luck sometimes. Fucking aye.

hiroshimas and bandaids

It’s been a crazy few days.  Let’s just leave it at that.  Trips to LA and SD.. social media events, job hunting, roommate shannigans.. ah but I spose all of that is normal, specifically in a California lifestyle.

And people watch the accidents on the freeway because there’s a bit of beauty in chaos.  But you miss out while you’re looking the other way.  Sometimes… well.. life has a way of turning water to wine.

Just when I thought that all of this was going to come to a close.. the fight isn’t over.  There stands a glimmer of hope.  Destiny?  We shall see.

And I stand back from the flames.. let the light flicker and dance, and dance a bit in my head too.

Could this be it?  Could this finally be the time?  It’s all starting to happen… but who knows if this train is headed to a wall or not this time.  You’ll just have to stay tuned I guess.

Waiting is wasting for people like me-unfinished1

They say that goodbye is never easy.. and you know something?  Even when you think it’s going to be.. it really isn’t.

Days off for me are relatively non existant.  My schedule is always booked.  When I say I don’t have time.. I mean it.  I have to make appointments to sleep.  I work too much (I’m only partially complaining) and I cant stand wasting time.  They say that when you can’t sin, the devil will keep you busy instead.

Heh.. well with my aka.. I tend to think thats a bit.. farce.

“That bar is called Saints and Sinners.. reminded me of you.”

And I smiled a bit.. because although I have no clue what that person was talking about… I know it all too well… being a bit into the whole rockabilly scene.. that comment made me glow a bit more.

Last minute plans as usual.  Friend was leaving out of the country.  I had two days completely free of work.. looking at my budget like an anal retentive, I knew I could push the mark a bit.

I’m a bit of a social nerd.  I’m a “robot.”

This friend drives out of his way to hang out with me.  I live in suburbia hipster jesusville.  Strangely enough, we stayed local and just hung out the whole time.  I can’t say that I’m completely surprised.. because the last time we were around, we did the same thing.  However I met him too late… I’m moving down to san diego in a month.. and he’s moving away.. in like a week.

Despite it all.. we ended up cramming all the stuff we needed to do last minute.  I’m not amazed how quickly you can get a rental car.  I hate Tmobile.  I drive like a maniac, and it’s funny when people question that… knowing even a few details about… well.

And.. well.. this admittedly feels a bit unfinished.. because I have to run off and shower and say my goodbyes to this person before I book down to san diego and go on the job hunt.. I’ll write some more about it when I return.

Someone inject another 24 hrs in my day pls?


They travel in the same circles…

but they’re so difficult to catch up with…

Good luck, buddy.  She left 5 minutes ago.

The near misses

The buildup


Digital dreams in reality coincide




Cat and Mouse 2.0

tag, you’re it.

Not it not it not it not it

But you’ll never catch me…

you’ll never catch me…


you may have…


cat and mouse

cat and mouse



What’s love got to do with it?

Seriously. A couple of my coworkers were talking today about how one of them moved in with her boyfriend.

“Are you in love?” they asked.

“Um yeah, we’ve been together 3 years.” she said.

And I was thinking… why is that an assumption so many people make? It doesn’t necessarily have to mean that. People move in with eachother for dozens of reasons. Just because you have been with someone that long, doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re in love with them. It could be a convenience thing. It could be a peer pressure thing. It could be the “well, we’ve been together this long, so might as well” thing. It could be to save money. It could be to not have to masterbate as often. (Again, convenience)… The list goes on. Or maybe I’m just honest.

“So when are you getting married?”

“In about a year, after he finishes school.”

Another assumption. I nearly choked when I heard that. Not because I’m afraid of the dreaded M word. But because once again.. 1957 crap.
Ah evolution and standstill in the dating scene. Why why why?

I wish I could get into some of the stories that I’m hearing now. I can’t. Or rather I won’t. I will say this though…

I’m not against convention completely. I just don’t care for assumptions and classification. People seem to naturally want to catagorize everything that they can.

I’m hypocritical. As much as I proclaim to being polyamorous, I really am a closet monogamist. I’m just super picky. Once I’m with someone that fits under my microscope however, I’m the most loyal, all around awesome, minimal drama and maintence girlfriend you can imagine. Granted, I still have a vagina, so um.. yeah.

Will we ever truly evolve this “oh you need to get married and have a picket fence” or you’re a loser mentality? I’ve been there. I’ve done that. It’s overrated. I doubt I’ll be doing it again… (I’m a liar- I would under the right circumstances.. ie- pirates & um, my mother in a duck suit.. etc)

Point being–the modern age, yet again.. somehow doesn’t seem very modern to me just yet.