Postcards: Zodiac (buzz)Killer

Dear Jennifer,

Hope you like this card.  It has to do with Zodiac and looks quite spooky!  Today’s my birthday.  My friends just left and we had a good time in the garden.  The weather is great here! (for now!)

Best wishes,

Ellen

The rising turmoil of Aries

The rising turmoil of Aries

Ellen,

Ah the turmoil and spooky in this card.  My last major boyfriend was an Aries actually.  He seems to.. be as chaotic as the imagery on here.

Maybe it’s a sign of what I left behind as I moved forward and on.. to a Sagittarius.  Or maybe it means something else… a new version of messed up?

Ah well, I already knew I was a bit emotionally masochistic anyway.

Here’s hoping for the best though.  I kind of really like this current one a bit… maybe.  But that’s a secret 😉

Cheers,

Js.

This is not the only card that I have received from Postcrossing that has hit a special tone with me.  I am due to potentially see the grip tonight at some festivities.  My accomplice for the evening?  You guessed it, The Mr.

While I do not believe that there will be any issue tonight, I am hoping, praying if you will, that I this card is not a sign of the potential that there could be.

I am glowing when I am with this man.  I am glowing at the thought of this man.  Even if it’s nothing.  I just know that whatever it is between us, undefined but great in its form, I just don’t want any problems with it.  Here’s hoping this card truly was just a sign that I am better off where I am than where I once was with that previous relationship.  I firmly believe that’s all it is.

I really need to stop worrying so damn much.

Lasts.

“This is the last phone call I will make to you. I cannot do this anymore.  You are emotionally toxic to me and I do not like what you turn me into.  I think that it would be best if we did not talk to eachother.  I am very hurt and frustrated about the whole Comic Con mess.  You refuse to effectively communicate with me in a positive fashion. If we see eachother, I will smile and wave, but do not want to speak or otherwise interact with you. I do not feel that you respect me as a person- love interest or otherwise- because if you did, you wouldn’t do this.  It’s poor form and I won’t have it.  Goodbye.”

That was the voice mail I left the grip before heading down to Comic Con this week.  It felt overdue but needed to be done.  In the past I will admit: I wasn’t the perfect girlfriend to him.  I wasn’t good in many ways to him at all.  So many things that have transpired just in the last month, let alone prior that I just couldn’t handle it anymore.  Hense the pause to my blog and privatizing of my main twitter account.

This wasn’t the first conference fubar from him.  We talked about going to numerous cons together and none of them ever happened.

CES:

He was supposed to get the passes and make the travel and hotel arrangements.  I was working at EA at the time.  I requested the time off months in advance.  He assured me he would take care of it.  I was excited to go to my first real trip to Vegas with my then significant other.

A month before the event, I realized there was another major conference happening at the same time.  I asked him if he’d booked the hotel.  He assured me that he would take care of it, and that he’s waited to book before and never had an issue with it.

“It’s Vegas.  There’s always something.”

Two weeks pass.  I ask him again for another status update.  Did he get the passes as he said he was?  He still hadn’t booked the hotel. Passes still hadn’t arrived.

Days before the conference, the tickets still had not arrived.  He hadn’t booked the hotel.  I think you can see where this is going.  Vegas never happened.

E3:

This was one of two cons a year that is the most important for me to attend- from both a business and personal aspect.  We were going to go together.

I was told I couldn’t get into the conference using the site that I write for as my press credentials.  (That turned out to be wrong.)   He told me he didn’t think he was going to be able to get in either.

And then I saw the bragging tweets…

I did go to E3 this year, but I did so on my own accord.  We did not see eachother during that time.  Instead we argued and the day that we’d planned to see eachother, he left without warning for an out of state roadtrip for two weeks.  I found out when I got home via a blog post.  Thank you for the consideration.

Comic Con:

When I saw that one of the show dates had been sold out I immediately filed for another way in.  There was not going to be anything that would stop me from attending.  I wasn’t going to take a chance that I might not get in press wise.  This one was in the city that has my heart.

Again he told me he would take care of the hotel and transpo.  While I have been doing a few freelance gigs, the market is slow right now.  I had a microscopic budget and I was relying on him to follow through.

The long story short of it is that he didn’t. On Wednesday night I received a text telling me that I should get a ride down so I could be there for the panels I was supposed to cover for the site I was representing.  I needed to be there and this was now getting in the way of my work.

I realized I could not allow this to continually happen.  I was giving him too much power to hurt me, and it wasn’t good for anyone. I was turning into this person that I didn’t want to be around, let alone want to be around other people.  I had escaped in myself and disappeared off the radar to most everyone.

“This is the last phone call I will make to you. I cannot do this anymore.  You are emotionally toxic to me and I do not like what you turn me into.  I think that it would be best if we did not talk to eachother.  I am very hurt and frustrated about the whole Comic Con mess.  You refuse to effectively communicate with me in a positive fashion. If we see eachother, I will smile and wave, but do not want to speak or otherwise interact with you. I do not feel that you respect me as a person- love interest or otherwise- because if you did, you wouldn’t do this.  It’s poor form and I won’t have it.  Goodbye.”

A weight was lifted off my shoulders this week.  Miraculously, I was not only to attend the con, but thanks to people in my life- I not only did, but it was life changing.  I took a stand for myself again.  I got up and walked away.

I was told when I was little that I was a hopeless case.  Since then, I rarely can give up on people despite how much they fail me.  It has lead to many problems with being taken advantage of: from my ex husband raping me, to a girl stealing money from me, etcetera etcetera.

I’m no ones puppet.  My friends look to me for strength and I let some dude piss all over me emotionally.  It was time I did something about it.

I am a fighter and a lover.  I don’t deal well with additional drama.  It was not needed at all.  In a town I love and call home you will not do that to me.  The first half of the first day I let him bother me, but it was smooth sailing after that.  And then I started to feel guilty about it.

I called to apologize for being so abrasive.  I told him he’d hurt me and I just did not think his actions were things that I would ever want someone to do to me, weather it was a friend, lover, or even an acquaintance.  I texted him.  I was testing him.  He passed and did not contact me the entire time I was gone.

When I got home my curiousity got the best of me.  I looked at his timeline to see if he had gone.  This is a person whom I used to share my love of comic books with that I care deeply about.  I was curious how his trip had gone & if he’d gone.

Sure enough, he had.  We had somehow missed eachother at parties.  Fate would not let us see eachother.  I think it was a mixed blessing.

I messaged him a hello.  We talked a bit about the con.  He let me make the step.  I remained firm.  I did not want this vicious cycle to continue any longer.  Who would have thought that after all that,  I think there may have been some small steps towards progress into a potential friendship again.  I guess I really am emotionally masochistic sometimes.  Here’s to a closing of an old chapter and a start of a new one.  Finally, its about time.

When Midnight broke

I told him he had until Midnight to see me.  And the clock chimed but he still hadn’t.

He said he tried.

I want to believe he was there.

But then there’s that whole serendipity thing.

Could we possibly have been at the same place that night and missed eachother?  The answer is yes.  There were droves of people at the screening Saturday night.  But does it excuse the other nights before where he failed to show up?

I’ve been milling around about the details for some time now.  Most people tell me to give up.

“There are too many excuses.  He isn’t showing any action.”

I wish I’d had my camcorder when we were together.  The moments captured on film would have been epic in quality.  I’ve learned that most of those most cinematic moments are when the camera isn’t running.

He once wrote me that “they say the fire that burns twice as bright burns half as long, but what a sight to see for that time.”

I wonder if that’s the case here.  If things are so far broken that they’re incapable of being repaired.

He reminded me last night that he used to call me his mermaid.  It was something silly and cheesy that was brought about when he helped me install a particular curtain above my bed.  He has referenced being in love with a mermaid in a few of his blogs.  I glossed over it and had forgotten about it.

And then it happened.

I was applying for a job over at Yelp when I stumbled upon…

My relationship with him had been open.  I was very publicly private that I had been seeing people while he was too busy with other things than for me.  I found out that he’d dated someone else while we were together and neglected to tell me.

I rationalized it to myself.

“It was fair.  I was doing the same thing.  I can’t really complain about it.”

But a part of me didn’t care for it.  He’d had such little time and yet he chose to spend it with her.

“When you slept with [redacted] I really thought it was over.  The [redacted] stuff took a lot out of me.  I was not happy.” he told me.

So why didn’t we break up then if that’s what he’d wanted?  Why press on through it?

Months passed and we still saw eachother.  I eventually gave him the monogamy that he wanted.  I was ready.  At this point however, the relationship had already stretched and gone a course into the deep end.  He had less and less time for me.  The valiant start out of the gate had slowed down.  We hadn’t made love in…

I didn’t find out about this intentionally.  I was curious when I saw he’d had some new reviews because he’d been on a road trip.  I found a comment on the compliments that upset me though- saying that he and a girl were missed at an event.  A girl with an uncommon name- also known as a mermaid.

I was livid without reason to be so.

When confronted with the information his first reaction was that she was “just a friend.” And then he finally came clean.

The clock ticked down last night.  We talked in spirts.  He never came by.

My roommate came home about 20 till midnight.  I was curious how his weekend had gone and if there was a postcard.  We talked a bit about it.  I came back and looked at the clock.  It was 12:08 and it was quiet.

He pinged me.

He persists.

We argued more and more.  Weather the mermaid he’d blogged about was actually me he was referring to or the girl.

“Would you make time for me?  Would you give me romance?”

No answers.  Ot was getting late and I needed to force myself to sleep.  I was hurt.  I layed down and went to bed.  I “prayed” that the answer of the fate of our relationship would be revealed to me.  I tossed and turned in my sleep.  I woke up at 4.

“So is that it then?”

“What’s what then?”

“I asked you questions.  You blew me off.  So it sounded like I got my answer.”

I repeated:

“Would you make time for me?  Would you give me romance?”

I went back to bed.  As I got comfortable I heard a ping.  I was stubborn and didn’t move.  I woke up a few times again but never got out of bed until he was long passed signed out.  He’d replied to me.

With the last bit of heart I had left, I wrote him an email:

When we first got together you romanced me.  You did things that were so wonderful… surprises, flowers, showed me the city.
I’d thought that was always the intention to continue.  But you stopped.

I have remnants around my room of the romance that was once there… of that man who would do everything he could to be with me.  Of the guy who took me on adventures and places and shared so many fun times with me.

I went further into detail about a few other personal things and outlined exactly what I felt needed to be accomplished if we were ever going to get that “fresh start” again.

When Midnight broke, so did a piece of me.  I know that regardless the outcome though it will be alright.

“Do you love me?  Cinderella asked the Prince.

“Would you even believe me if I said yes?” he replied.

Perhaps time will tell.

A week without you: the Wildcard/ A girl. A bar. A story.

“You should forget about him.  He’s too much drama. ” they all told me.

And given what happened earlier in the week, perhaps they’re partially right.  He has had far too much bearing on my life.  He’s hurt me in ways I recall my marriage did.  I fell into that pattern yet again.  He’d been swearing at me… telling me that I “deserved it.”  He’d made me feel guilty about not being that perfect girl, while he called me his dream girl.

Asking for someone’s time and to give them a schedule for when they do have it shouldn’t be that hard.  Not when you proclaim to love someone.  Not when you say that you miss them terribly and are working hard for that picket fence for them.

“You will meet someone else.”

“No I won’t.”

“You will meet someone else when you least expect it…”

“Yeah right.  I’m not even going to look anymore.  I’m over it.”

“You will meet someone else when you’re not looking…”

Enter the hardest Yelp review I’ve written thusfar… a tale of more than a bar but of a change of pace.  It wasn’t something I ever expected.  It wasn’t something than what I’m used to.  It was completely different.  And for those moments, it was what it should be… what I’m told I really do deserve- someone without drama who genuinely enjoyed the time we had together.

Despite the outcome of the wildcard, as I really did see it as an inevitable closing due to certain life differences, it was something that I’m really glad I had the experience of.  It is, after all, about the experiences more than the destination and the people you share the moments with along the way.

Perhaps one of these days it will work out.  The positive nature of this wildcard though gives me a bit more hope.  I tend to go for a certain type of guy.  A certain look.  A certain collection of qualities and traits.  He was little of those.   He was something entirely different.

He knew about video games and computers but wasn’t engrossed in them.  He looks a bit like a frat boy (not my type at all.)  He could go for hours talking about cars.  He has a bachelors in psychology. He had little money and even less ambition.  He was comfortable about where he was, and consistently positive.

While he may have been conventionally “normal” attractive, he was nothing like I’d expected, but yet everything I’d expected.  I’ve been accepting far too little than what I am capable of.  I deserve the full package- the ambitious, intelligent, wildly attractive, humorous, genuine man that girls fawn over, but only think exists in dreams.  And while that’s currently where that man will probably be for awhile, I know now that regardless if you are there or not, or anyone… it’s all going to be ok.

Ghosts.

It’s that time of year again.  Nearly summer and with it, the cemetery movie lineup.

The grip messaged me with a very special one coming up in June.  Time flies.  It seems like only yesterday I was unpacking a Uhaul and moving in here…  what I didn’t know would be my first summer with him.  A summer of adventure, passion, love and the excitement of a city I call “a cesspool of fun.”

The very notion of the show is enough to have me a bit giddy.  I have a list of 100 things I want to do here in LA.  It’s one that I didn’t do last summer.  This show in particular is something magical as well.  It has my most favorite actor of all time- the illustrious miss Audrey Hepburn.

With everything going on here- my own battle inside. It sent me back down memory lane.

What is it to fall in love with a ghost?

Time machine: Date 2… Spooky date.

The sun shined so brightly down on the graveyard we were at.  His name was Jack Skelington… or at least an alias was.  Back then, he radiated this presence.  He wanted to be with me so badly.  He’d bend over backwards to do it.

Still… despite our recent vow to work on things, there is so much more.  A ghost of my past has returned into the picture- of which shall remain nameless.  And although I am currently unsure why he popped up, it still makes me wonder nonetheless.  Another story.  Another time.  But not at this time.  Who knows if at any other time.

A passport.  Pending.  My heart can’t afford it any more than my pocketbook can.

“Do you truly love me?”  I asked the grip.

“More than you’ll ever realize.” he said.

In my mind, I have these staticy crackled memories on a drive-in movie screen.  Has he really become the “ghost” of a man I once loved?  Can a photograph really capture the spirit and foreshadow the future?  You sometimes waver into the real world and show signs you’re still there.  Others?  You’re so distant- as if you exist somewhere else far far from anything.

Many a thought hath creeped into my idle brain in the interim.  Months of lingering emotions not yet unleashed into the world.

Most friends tell me that it’s finished.  He keeps saying otherwise.  My heart and my brain just don’t know where to go from here.  I’m in love with this ghost.  And while we work on things, that’s what it feels like he is.

“It seems like you’re miles apart physically but together emotionally.” a someone said.

Oh you have no idea m’dear.  Just… no idea.

In rememberance

Memorial Day.

The day we take the time to remember all those dear to us and lost.  A time to think about the things we once had and cherished- the things we should have cherished when we had them.

Today is not a sad day.  It’s one of looking back and also looking forward.

“I’m just a fucked up girl who’s looking for her own piece of mind.”

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been doing a lot of both.  I’ve been trying to find myself.  Where have I been?  Where am I headed?  Where do I ultimately want to be?

The grip and I have been having some major conversations lately.  It hasn’t been a secret that for some reason I keep going back to him.  What’s the reason?  It should be obvious.  I’m madly in love with him.  Today is the day I admit it.

I’ve been in other relationships in the meantime since our more semi recent breakup.  For some reason, I am just unable to connect the way I did with him.  And when it finally got to the point where it was looking more serious, I freaked.  I’ve been holding a torch for this man even when I’d been trying to get over him.

Love or stupidity?

In the heat of an argument he told me to watch a certain movie.  He said that it was exactly how we were.

I have a confession to make:

I hold grudges.  Very… specific… movie grudges.    Or three in particular.

It should not be a bit unsurprising, given my love of film and art, that I would have an argument based on movies with very specific roots only to never recover from them.

This movie was one that my ex husband and I had argued about.  I knew when it came out that it would be one of my favorites.  He not only refused to watch it- calling it artistic saccharin induced dribble… but to insult me, actually rented it and shoved it in my hands to insist I watch it alone.

I’m not/I haven’t been:

  • the greatest girlfriend.
  • Wife.
  • Significant lover.
  • Insignificant other.

It’s in realizing what you’ve lost that you can focus on what you need to do to get to where you want to be… and sometimes, that’s exactly where you were before.

The movie?  Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Sure she’s nuttier than a loon.  But for some reason… despite all of it, he loves her.  He’s the rock of stability and she’s this stream of color and chaos.  Combined, their adventures are both… “volatile and scandalous.”

The story is told through the eyes of the man, Joel who has been broken up with and soon realizes that his girlfriend has gone through an experimental procedure to have her memory of him erased.  In his frustration with her, he decides to get the process done to himself as well.

While it is going, you will see, at the start of the movie, the woman, Clementine appears to be this insane psycho.  She’s a mess.  He’s quiet and introspective with artistic tendencies.  She’s philosophical and eccentric.

As the movie progresses you see it’s quite the contrary.  They had a rich love affair, that, sure, wasn’t always perfect… but it shined.  It was magical.  And Joel realizes that he doesn’t want to forget her.

A few parts of the movie really stick out in my mind.  But this one, where they are in a house and he runs away…

HE: I wish I had stayed.

SHE: Was it something i said?

HE: Yes.  I was scared.

SHE: I’m sorry…  Joel? What if you stayed this time?

What if…

I watched the movie in revered silence.  As I recommend that you do as well.  Think about the courses of actions that you take.  Think about the memories you are building your future on.

SHE: It’s almost over.  What do we do?

HE: Enjoy it.

I screwed things up before.  I made the wrong choices.  I need to make them right this time.

I’m not/I haven’t been:

  • the greatest girlfriend.
  • Wife.
  • Significant lover.
  • Insignificant other.

Against much resistance and turmoil, I’m going to give this one more try.  I may be an idiot, but there have been crazier things that have happened before in the name of love…. So this should be nothing.  Nay.  It isn’t.  It’s more than that.  It’s the first real, unselfish something I’ve done in a long time.

Here’s hoping for a happy ending… with a new beginning.

It’s in realizing what you’ve lost that you can focus on what you need to do to get to where you want to be… and sometimes, that’s exactly where you were before.  Never to be taken for granted ever again.

De-preciation

A text around 7pm on Valentines Day…

“Go to your front door please.”

I put some jeans on.  Wiped the tears from my eyes.  I could barely breathe.  It had been a day of harsh reflections.  This Valentines Day, as cheesy as it sounds, I was going to be my own Valentine.

Sitting in the corner were a few things: the newest issue of The Walking Dead, Batman #686, a sticker, and a heart shaped locket.

“Where are you?” I texted back.

“I thought I was ready to see you.  Waited for a bit for someone to open the door.  But then lost my confidence.”

It’s been a month.  And time does not seem to heal these wounds for so much bittnerness hath been created.

Against all other judgement.  Against my own judgement.  I started to fall deeper into an abyss.

A man who once showed so much strength and conviction to get through the days that it kept me moving… was a shadow now.  And for a craftsman of light such as I, it stung that much more.

He didn’t understand.

Months and months of him having little to no time for me.  I found myself losing myself.  Many nights, I cried myself to sleep wondering why this man who claimed that he loved me, and showered me with matierial affection, failed miserably where it counted most.  I stopped seeing friends as often.  Part responsibility.  Part sacrifice for him.

But then it became petty.

He was working so hard for that picket fence he said.   Toiling away for that bottom dollar.

Until the day where my best friend came back into town.  He’d been overseas for 6 months.  I wanted this boy to come meet him.  I wanted to have an evening out with 2 of my best boys.

I was thrown more bitterness.

I went through it anyway… the way I always knew how but didn’t always show I knew better.

I spoke to friends.

I went out.

I went to work.

I saved my money.

I cut back on the excess.

I cut back on everything.

I needed the time for myself.

To reflect and appreciate what mattered most.

“I’m raising my standards with people each time they piss me off… and they’re dropping like flies more and more.  I used to have 60 phone numbers in my phone.  It was all the people I’ve met in my life.  I now have 12.  So consider yourself lucky.  You’ve outlasted some amazing people.” my friend from a small town in Alaska (the same Sarah Palin is from) told me.

Because life has to go on.

Because you always have to be moving forward.

I stopped waiting around for someone who did not value my time.

I was alive again.

“Where are you?” I texted back.

“I thought I was ready to see you.  Waited for a bit for someone to open the door.  But then lost my confidence.”

Dear the grip,

I feel that you do not appreciate me.  When you truly love someone… this is not the proper way to behave.

I want to thank you for everything that you have done for me.  For everything that you are doing for me with the coorespondence we are still having.

You say you do not have confidence.

You say I hurt you by having… whatever moments that I have.  They are my moments.  They are the moments of the people I share them with.  They do not belong to you.

You choose to not be part of them.

You chose not to want to be here.

These, are… yours.

Free will.

Live the way you want to.

But live while you are living.

Lest you miss out on something wonderful.

Where the road will take us, for that I am uncertain.  I will be forthright and honest… I do not know if we shall walk this road together or if we shall part ways.  Perhaps for a little while.  Perhaps forever.  Perhaps for many lives to come.  For I cannot make promises or guarantees of anything.  That is something I have always been constant in telling you.

I love you.

I love you as a person.

But lovers we shall be?

Perhaps we both know the answers.

I guess time will tell though.

Because life has to go on.

Because you always have to be moving forward.

Free will.

Live the way you want to.

But live while you are living.

Lest you miss out on something wonderful.

[To be continued…]