Truth is sometimes stranger than fiction..

I will always love him.

In my dreams, he’s the one who is there. Forever constant though the seasons change. He is the initials carved into the tree trunk.

It’s been nearly a year now. Around this time was when we started our courtship. It would be the breath of life and the last straw on the camels back. But I didn’t know it then. Or at least I didn’t want to admit that it might be. No one ever wants to believe that “it’s just too good to be true..”

Shame on me.

If there exists such a thing as destiny, it was..it is that relationship.

Flashback: Six years ago. Bassam’s cafe. Downtown San Diego. My frequent spot for coffee and smokes. Me- the girl with the red hair, fair skin, white London Fog, a notebook in the corner with my cloves. Him- sipping coffee and puffing away at Nat Shermans.

But we didn’t know each other then. Though we were both regulars to that establishment. Constant passerbys in a laid back metropolis. Faces in the crowd. No one particular.

But then history repeats itself.

Months have gone by.. 6 months passed since we’d seen eachother beyond pixels. It was like nothing had ever happened. To be continued… story of my life. It has been an epic tale of hardship and pain. But one of justification and need not for justification.

Watching Madmen this week solidified it. Everytime I’ve been with someone else, I’ve been looking for you. Why?

I reminsced about those days. Of the honeymoon period where everything was magical. Because it was. And you were. But was it really just a dream within a dream?

Those moments weren’t all magical.

So why do I crave them so badly?

***

Edit:

I think it’s mostly the wonder of “what if” that’s the draw. I can’t believe it’s been this long. Over a year of messaging and what not. And then the timing that seemed so perfect. But if it really was so perfect, why didn’t that move go so smoothly? He’d wanted it to happen. So did I… so badly.

Instead, it was one for the books. Everything fell apart just as quickly as it came together. Perhaps there’s a reason and it’s not just a coincidence. I don’t believe in coincidence anyway.

It’s not the same. It’s probably for the best. Even if you were some of the best sex I’ve ever had. I’m not sure if it was really you or it was just how tumultuous that relationship was. Emotionally masochistic that I am.

You’re gone. I’m happier. No sense living in the past anymore. I just wish you wouldn’t keep popping up everywhere. I just wish that you would fade into that background that you always wanted to be in.. but couldn’t be while you were with me, so you said.

It really is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Thank you for reminding me how strong I am. For believing in me. And for saying goodbye.

A hardened heart… but I did all I could. I’m putting you back into that fantasy and letting you exist only there. It’s better this way. I wish you all the best and am genuinely happy for you and your fair lady.

I got a message when I first met you. Do you remember?

It said: He will break your heart and you will never be the same… but he’s worth it.

How true that seems to have turned out.  If I had to do it all over.. I wouldn’t change a thing.

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once…

Once upon a time all i desired in the world was to be with you.  I did everything I could just for those moments.  I felt levity like I hadn’t ever felt.  When I left, I left a piece of me.  You had me from long ago.

Once upon a time I loved you more than anything.

Once upon a time I thought that we were untouchable.  Sure we had our problems but…

Once upon a time I gave and gave and gave in every way I could.  Emotionally.  Financially.  I didn’t have much then, but I bent over backwards to give you what I did.  My motives were genuine and I didn’t expect a thing in return.

Once upon a time I’d move mountains if he asked me, or hell, if he even hinted that he wanted them moved.  I’d find the way.  I’ve always found a way.

Once upon a time I said goodbye.  I made my peace about the situation.  I tried to be friends with you.  I really didn’t want it to end like it did.

Once upon a time you were a dickhead and you still are.   A few months ago, after some further drama you pulled after an event, I let you go for the last time.

Once upon a time I thought that you were worthwhile.  That maybe, just maybe this tug of war of hearts was something great.  But, in the end I realized that everyone else was right when they told me that you didn’t deserve me.

Once upon a time I gave you a chance… all the tools shown.  The only thing you needed to do was overcome yourself.  You once told me that I was the most black and white girl you’d ever met and you had no idea where I came from.  But I was yours.  We understood each other and knew what buttons to press.  We strengthened each other separately.  Together we were unbreakable.

Once upon a time you chose the other path.  We went our separate ways and I thought it was going to be alright.. I’d made my peace.  I moved on.  I thought you did too.  So why do you still haunt me?

***

I was messaged last night about a recent stunt Big had pulled as I was waiting for my friend Mo to come over. to pick me up for last nights event.  Mo was helping a friend move so we were running late.  I had felt horrible earlier.  Anxiety and chest pains rendered me stuck in bed.  I almost cancelled even hanging out with Mo, but the grip came over for a few minutes and suddenly I felt better.

Combined with this stunt of my ex, we decided to just cut our losses and hang out and drink.  Mo is very quickly becoming one of my very good friends.  I feel so very fortunate for the people in my life.

I’ll admit it, I was a bit bummed.  When a lover you’ve been off and on with and your former best friend join superforces, even if it’s just a friendship (and him trying to mindfuck me in my opinion) it gets to you- and you’d be lying if you said otherwise.  I may or may not write the full story later.  I haven’t decided yet.

***

Once upon a time, a girl once broken, once repaired, and once a cynic met the most amazing man.  And he was everything conventional that little girls dream of, but not entirely conventional.  And it wasn’t you.

***

I see the grip on a daily basis.  He may work a ton, but he always takes the time out of his day and makes sure that he sees me.  Because that’s what you do for the person you care about.  This man.. this great man.. treats me in ways- though arguably simple and common sense to some- otherwise mythical to the plethora of lovers I’ve ever had.

Mo teased me about how whipped my boyfriend is.  Yes, there I said it- I have a boyfriend, though currently not a monogamous relationship (on my side), he is my ready steady.  And he’s likely better than yours.

I texted the grip telling him I was a bit bummed, and a little piece of the puzzle as to why.  I told him that I really just wanted him to come (no he’s not living with me) and to just hold eachother.  I felt like a bit of a baby.  He’d stopped by a few hours prior to make sure I was alright.  And now this.

Things with Big shouldn’t have phased me.  How do you tell your current lover that everytime you try and toss this other guy back he keeps popping back up?  He’s like the snake in a Medusa head.  Why does he boomerang back but yet he couldn’t commit when he had me?  I swear, and pardon me for saying this ladies, but he seems to have more of those “womanly” qualities about him that drive men mad than I do.  Drama.  Nothing more, nothing less.  And what’s funny is that he has a girlfriend.

Mo and I drank vodka in the living room.  We had a blast throwing down spirit and cares.  Because that’s what good friends are for.  Because that’s what good friends do.

I started texting some more.  I wanted him here.

“Door unlocked.  Take elevator and come in. “

He said he wasn’t getting off for a couple of hours.  With the fires going on, it makes production a bit of a pain in the ass.  I know he works his ass off and seeing a few tweets with total lack and consideration for other people involved pissed me off something fierce with their immaturity… he was stuck at work a long time yesterday.

Mo and I drank till the point of passing out.  I awoke to this boy at the foot of my bed staring up at me.  The grip had come by, without question, like I’d asked.

***

Once upon a time there was a girl who dealt with too much bullshit from a hanger-on man.  She was disillusioned to thinking he could be the best thing that ever happened to her.  And maybe to some extent she was both wrong as much as she was right.

Once upon a time this girl really didn’t know what she’d been missing out on out there.

Once upon a time she enbraced her faults and pieced herself back together.  She learned that you never will meet the right person until you become that person.  And amazing things suddenly started to happen.  And, like a ripple effect, they continued to happen.

Because everything you ever need you already have.  You just need to take a step back and look within. Outside of the box, yet inside of the box.

Once upon a time I didn’t regret a single moment of both pain and joy that you gave me.  Because I grew from it.  And ultimately, it prepared me for the person who would treat me like people dream to be treated.

And it all started…

once upon a time when I let you go.

for no reason

He claimed she was no one to him.

“Just a friend!  Just a friend!.. Who you’re probably jealous of.”

And admittedly I was.

Once upon a time.

In another time.

Now it’s a given that I date quite a bit.  Or rather, have dated quite a bit in the past.  It takes a lot to dazzle me.  I hadn’t found the person I was willing to be exclusive with.  I enjoy the single life far too much to be tied down with a ball and chain to someone less than extraordinary.

Once upon a time.

In another time.

I thought this man and I would one day be that exclusive couple.  But he was far too greedy as well, but wouldn’t admit it.  Our last sexual romp involved arguing about his philandering ways.

“No more. No more.”

“Yes mam'”

We pseudo parted ways.   Taking yet again another “time out” as it were.

Because that’s what you do when it’s more than just throws of passion under the sheets- however amazing as they may or may not have been.

Part of me craved that volatile relationship.

One upon a time.

In another time.

He ended up becoming official with this girl now.. who he’d claimed was only a friend.  He’d brought her to parties and functions… who did he think he was kidding by thinking everyone didn’t at least gather they had to be sleeping with each other.

She was local.  It was conveniently accessible.  He’s all about the convince.  We’ve been through this before, earlier in the year when the equivalent of his first love- someone he was previously engaged to but broke it off with.  He doesn’t pursue a challenge, or he didn’t before.

Now this current affair.  I don’t know a lot about her.  It’s not my business.  I will say this though… she seems to be amazing, talented, intelligent, funny and beautiful.  She is good for him.  They could potentially be good for each other.

So why when she was away did he so quickly have me in his bed?  Why continue this push and pull game with me?  Is it just sex?  It could very well be.  Then you add in other things…

A friend of mine and I had a falling out a bit ago.  Previously him and said friend didn’t care for each other.  Miraculously he messaged her soon after I told him that we had a falling out.  He’s quite manipulative and knows what hes doing.

Something that we had discussed since near the beginning of our courtship.. he was now talking about doing with her.  This.. girl he knew vaguely in instant messages versus me, whom he’d had a history with.

I was frustrated, but I let it go.  I let them both go.  I focused on other things.  I focused more on me.

I went down there again.  That place is home and I’m passionate about those events regardless if he’s there or not.  I went down there for my friends.  But most importantly, I went down there for me.

When I was there, I met someone that he was associated with.  Someone I’d heard of but hadn’t formerly met.  To Big, I was never interested in talking to him because you knew him at all.  It wasn’t a plot to try and make sure you were stuck dealing with me.  I just thought that person might be awesome and he is.

I didn’t approach Big at the party.  I let him be.  I didn’t want to intrude on him and his girlfriend.  I genuinely respect them.  I would like to get to know her better.  I hadn’t given her a chance before, and that was just me being a baby.

Something happened in the interim of a hug at a party to later that night.  I’m really not sure what exactly it was either.

He has since deleted me from all social networks and the one time I tried messaging him politely to find out his version of the story, I’m gathering that I was likely blocked.

I didn’t expect this to happen.  I expect little anymore.  I shouldn’t even give a care about that whole mess.  But for some reason.. I valued the friendship and time we had invested in each other.  I guess I’m just a masochist for letting it go but wishing things ended amicably.

Is it so wrong to want someone you cared about to be happy?  To walk away knowing you really did all that you could in order to make things…

Its amazing how when you let go, you realize how much you really were cheating yourself about.  Sure I’ve dated quite a few frogs.  I’ve met a few worthwhile princes.

And then I met my “princess.”

confessionizer:

i wish that i said goodbye instead of running away from our issues and text messaging you…
would things of been different? its the question I ask myself every second of the day… I MISS YOU.

Sometimes I wonder… why people do things like this.. and I think of the situation with “Big” & me.  There wasn’t a text message.  Hell, I’m not even sure what exactly transpired in the interim.  All I know, is that I did all I could do.  Most of the time I feel amazing about it.. but others, I wonder if things could have been different too.

Things with me and the grip are absolutely amazing- in that extremely cute but sickening kind of way.  It’s calming and non dramatic.  It’s this warm blanket of something so wonderful it almost feels surreal.

And yet, at the same time… it’s not chaotic.  It doesn’t feel completely challenging.  With “Big” it was this struggle of heart.  This tug of war because neither of us wanted to admit that we were powerless.

I let go.  I had the wind knocked out of me.  The drive home from home had hit me like a brick truck.  I drove in silence.  The sound of the road. The hum of the traffic. No music.  Just pavement and air.  Of puffs of cigarettes and pffff.

I need to have a beach day.  I need to run away to the one love affair that is both that volatile storm of passion and the crackling fireplace on a cold winter’s night.

I adore the grip.  I know that Big is wrong for me.  So why does this even phase me?  I think I need some ice cream and a good spanking. /calls the grip