Destination Self: The stuff of fantasies

It’s nearly 4am on Monday morning and my brain is going a 1000 miles an hour.  This month… this year… everything has become such a wonderful blur of busy that…

Six months ago, I didn’t know what was going to happen to me.  Now, I’m happening to me.

I have been fighting a long time to garner success.  Los Angeles is a city where dreams are made and often broken.

Not many people know this, but I have been battling with a lot.  For an “oversharer” I don’t share quite a bit more.  It’s difficult being in a spot where people are watching you.

I was on a bus in Chicago last weekend and I saw a bum babbling about.  It made think even more about the paths that I’ve gone. About how far I’d come from being a little girl in pigtails living in suburbia Illinois.

“This guy is sitting here instead of a mental health facility because no one cares.  Is it better for someone to care or is it better that people don’t?”

Something I’ve struggled with for a long time is this.

The change my grandfather gave me has taken another form.

I’d said at the beginning of the year that this is the time where I finally get everything I’ve dreamed of.  And here it is February and it’s happening.

  • I have a great job with a technology company that was rated one of the 10 best places to work in. There’s enormous growth opportunity.
  • I have been doing a lot more writing- including a piece where I was fortunate enough to interview pinup artist legend Olivia De Beradinis and 1960s Batman series star Julie Newmar. Afterwards, I watched a surise in Malibu.
  • My bike is fully operational and running again.  However I’m buying another one in the near future… with self propelled wheels.
  • I have multiple photoshoots in the works.  That’s right, I’m finally working on that modeling portfolio I’ve been wanting to do for some time now.  If you’re reading this and want to schedule a shoot, email me.
  • I flew cross country to meet a fantasy man who has adored me from afar for 4 years.  When I saw him, it felt like the opening scene in this video… and that’s not even the half it.

Life is pretty surreal right now.  However with that also comes the multiple stresses that have come about due to these successes which,  for once, seem to only keep coming.

For the longest time I have been fighting to get to this point in my life.  Now that it’s happening, part of me is scared shitless.

In the midst of all these mind blowing events, the following has also happened- and all within the last week and a half:

  • My bank card was compromised despite not leaving my purse.  At this time someone made multiple charges to gas stations out of the area.  While the funds have gone back into my account, I still have not gotten a replacement card over 2 weeks later.  I flew cross country to Chicago with hundreds of dollars in cash in my purse on public transportation just in case of an emergency while out there.
  • Going on the trip back to Chicago was mind blowing.  I’m not even talking about the person I met (although he is magical as well… that’s another story in itself).  I saw things about Los Angeles that made me remember why I was so hesitant to stay here.  I saw things about Chicago that I didn’t get the chance to experience much whilst living a mere 45 minutes away.  I felt the warm embrace of a city life I’d always dreamed of.  It made me do a lot of thinking about these other worlds out there.  About a city that is so warm even if it’s blustering cold outside.  Of the opposite scenario.  About how both of these worlds have opened my eyes to more about myself.
  • An enormous potential opportunity for my writing may be in the works.  While I can’t reveal exactly what, whom it would potentially be with or anything else, let’s just say it’s one of those things that is the stuff of dreams.
  • I pitched something elsewhere and that was also taken with positive reception.  I am so busy as it is, but yet I keep adding more to my plate.
  • My sleep schedule has officially broken.  When I was in Illinois, I could barely sleep.  Now I’m back and I either can’t sleep much at all or I’m sleeping too much.
  • Did I mention I met someone who had previously been a fantasy?  Do you have any idea how life altering that is?  I flew 2000 miles away to meet this man and he not only met but exceeded my expectations.  Should be easy right?  No.  With the whole 2000 miles it commands a lot of patience.  My brain is jelly and is now coping with the clash of reality and fantasy becoming one and the same.  Things will happen organically if they are meant to happen.  I’m stepping back and breathing.  I don’t have anything to worry about so I should stop worrying.  This one, is essentially the least of the things I am/should be worrying about, but alas, its on my mind because its one of the realest romances I have experienced… and it came out of a fantasy.
  • My mother called to remind me about how it’s wrong to be the way that I am essentially.  My whole existence to her is taken with such disdain.  From the fact that I didn’t see her whilst in Chicago to her failure to see how I’m busting my ass off for things she couldn’t even begin to comprehend.

And that’s just part of it.

I’ve learned so much about me with all of these experiences.

I’m not always the greatest with things.

I may apologize for the times I falter, but this is pillar of life is strong and vibrant.

I know that it’s alright to be vulnerable.

It’s alright to break down.

Without these moments, one wouldn’t be able to sustain things atop the world.

I have aspirations to conquer the world.  I have the ability within me to do it.  I’ve asked for all these dreams to become realities, and now…

This is happening.

This is really happening.

I’m taking a risk by putting this out in the open.  I currently have career opportunities and stability that… well I’ve never really had since my marriage dissipated years ago.  I’ve wanted this.  I’ve dreamed of this.

I told my biggest fan recently:

“I dreamed of you.”

and he told me “I dreamed of you too.”

Another friend of mine and I had a conversation about him before I got on that plane:

(4:16:58 AM) friend: real life dream girls like you don’t happen every day
(4:17:34 AM) me: aww
(4:17:50 AM) friend: it’s true miss
(4:18:08 AM) me: real life dream boys like him don’t happen every day either

So what the hell is my problem?  I’m so much stronger and braver than I’ve been behaving over the past couple of weeks.  To those that have been there with me through it all, I thank you so very much for your patience, compassion, and your unwavering confidence in me.  It means the absolute world to me.

It’s 5am now.  It’s time to get ready for work.  Here comes a 10 hour day in a dream world.  Here’s another day working towards making even more fantasies become realities.  Here’s to another day of me learning more.

Fail often, succeed once.

Today I’m throwing away failure.  Not only am I going to succeed this once but I’m making a commitment to myself to succeed in much more than that.

We have the ability to get everything we want if we only reach out and grab it.

It just takes time.

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Lost

Have you ever been so… in love with life that you lose track of small things along the way?

I have been more attentive to noticing things more abstractly than I have with things technically in some ways.  Little things like the scratches from wear and tear at a coffeeshop table… where the light forms perfectly to make Mr Shrader’s eyes pop the most…

Perhaps I am a bit twitterpated.  Perhaps it’s something deeper.

I feel at a heightened level of artistry.  My eyes are wide open but the shutters in my brain keep taking photographs…

These are days… nights… treasured and cherished memories of a life fully lived.

Friday night, though memorable, was not a good one however.

You see, all this time that I feel I’d been searching for my identity…

When I finally was confident in saying “I’ve found it!”

That’s when it happened.

I lost my purse on Friday.  In it: my drivers liscense, my social security card… my camcorder for which I’m filming my documentary Muse for Hire.

My life.

Gone in a moment.

Missing

Now everything that was in my purse is fully replaceable.  I care naught about matierial things.  As I’ve grown older, I have become more and more numb to this sort of phenomenon bothering me.  In fact, you might dare to say that I am so used to life screwing up like this on me that I’ve learned to more or less just laugh about it.

For example for those of you that missed previous episodes of my car troubles of the past year, here’s a look at the last one which happened about a month ago.

If anything, getting “my life back” was, for the most part more of a series of errands and annoyances than anything else.  I went to the police station and filed a report about it, cancelled my bank card, headed to the dmv…

I missed roller derby for the weekend but ended up at 6 flags with Mr Shrader anyway.  I made the best of the weekend and wasn’t even late to work this morning.

The thing that bothers me most about the whole thing: that camcorder.

And not for what it was, but for what it stood for.  Those moments of film… my life… my story… my…

I believe that everything happens for a reason.

This weekend was yet another blur with Mr Shrader.  Maybe it wasn’t supposed to be on film.  Maybe those events were meant to be our secrets.  

A fantastical blur that I am not sure will happen again (I hope it does, as this was something I wondered the weekend prior) but one that is marked with…

He is enigmatic and magical in ways that he doesn’t even realize.  Oh Cancerous man… indeed you are inspirational.

Which brings me back to the project.

I have hit a snag due to this incident this weekend.  If anyone would like to help me continue you it, I would love any and all support that you would give me.  Even if it’s just kind words.

I’ve learned a lot through the making of this documentary.  Life, like this project is a process and a labor of love.  The things in life that are the most worthwhile are not achieved instantly… they evolves and grow.  Inspiration, patience, keeping your head up in the face of…it’s not easy.

And then I heard a song playing…

I once was lost, but now am found.

To that, I reply:

A few sentences on a page cannot possibly be enough justification to fully chronicle me. I am who I am. I don’t chase magic because I am magic… and only the stars can come close to defining me.
 

I once was lost, but now am found…

Per request-

Mia: Don’t you hate that?
Vincent: What?
Mia: Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it’s necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?
Vincent: I don’t know. That’s a good question.
Mia: That’s when you know you’ve found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

That, my dears, was my weekend.  But you’re going to have to wait to hear that tale.

With that, the sound begins again.

I know that it has been awhile since I’ve done this.  So much has been going on.  But don’t fret.

I have not stopped writing- I just changed mediums for awhile.

I have not stopped dating.

I have not stopped smiling.

(Non sequitor.)

I have not died.

(Well, that part is only partially true.)

I still exist.

I guess part of what happened is, as generic as it may sound…

life.

I was walking through the art supply store yesterday waiting for my friend to be free to cut me some canvas.  I can’t remember the last time I painted.  I was inspired and felt it was time.

My weekend had been a blur.  A punch drunk fury of hours come and gone like a gust of wind.  Perhaps the rain this week washed away more than just a few dirty streets.

I think I know what I’m going to paint.

My best had to help a customer.  I found myself lost in shelves lined with magic.  I called the one person who I knew was a combination of both worlds.

“Grandma what are you doing home?  You’re supposed to be in Dwight enjoying your childhood memories.”

“Next weekend.”

“I want to have sand in my paint but I forgot what I need for that…”

“To thicken it up you need a medium.  Or you can just use oils because its thicker.”

You see, and this should not come as much of a surprise, but my grandmother… is an artist.

“Grandma I had… All I want to do right now is paint.  I want to hike and paint and watch sunrises and sunsets over the city and paint for awhile.  It’s been too long.  I have a lot on my mind.”

“I think thats wonderful.  Do you still have those brushes your aunt and I bought you years ago?”

“I do.  I’m going to have to dig them out.  I’m buying a couple of artist pallates.  I want to go to the beach and paint so I want something that if I lose I won’t be super upset about losing.”

“Buy a plastic one or get paper ones for that.  Best bet would be plastic. It’d be easy to clean.”

“Grandma, tell me about how it was to date in your time  What was that like for you.”

“I don’t talk about that.  I did date before your grandpa but I’m a very private person.”

Oh what she doesn’t know…

We walked around and talked about life.

“Why as a society are we brought up and told “Be honest. Be yourself.  Be open.” but then when you actually are, people crucify you for it… because there’s something about them that they can’t fully express and they’re envious… because you are the colorful painting and they are stuck in black and white.”

“Because people are hypocrites!” She said with a laugh.

I guess that’s part of why I took a pause.  My scrawlings, despite being vague and relatively ananomous nature have been both uplifting and the knife of the final move of my demise.  Despite my openness about this blog before I ever even enter into anything, men seem to become entransed by the words and then… when the plot really thickens and the soufle is in the oven… well, they fall short.

“Choose your words wisely.  They make or break you.”

I am not broken anymore.

I may not be that black and white picture all of the time but…

Life has been busy.  I have eased into a semi normal lifestyle believe it or not.  I have slept some wonderful nights and I have also tossed and turned with dreams of a ghost.

But those tales shall come later.

Know that I have been to hell and beyond and… it’s good to be back.  We have a lot of catching up to do my friends.  And thank you for the messages telling  me to get back to this.

More later.  But for now?  I have to get dressed.  Someone got a normal 9-5 office job downtown.  Mind boggling huh?

Cheers,

j.

Insert Transmission Here

Well I love you life.  Sometimes… you’re just unbelievable.

It’s been a series of unfortunate events.   There’s a few flies in the ointment.  A few…wrenches in my gears.

Things around here are just… well this weekend started with a major misunderstanding.  It was something small that escalated, and while there was a result, I’m not really quite happy with it.  I think what happened was both…

It wasn’t a shining moment for me.

About a week ago, the first domino fell.  My phone has been giving me issues and since will not properly sync with my computer to take my contacts off.  Therefore if you have called/texted me and have gotten a “who are you?”  Fret not.  I do not have amnesia… but my phone does.

It started some thinking for me… do I just manually enter the people I care about’s phone numbers or do I just do the factory reset and lose all of my texts off of my phone entirely?

Now for those of you that have been reading my personal twitter account, you may have noticed some strange texts over the past few days.  This is me going through my “notes” of the year or so lifespan this version of my phone has.

You can see quite a bit of your life… in those digital transmissions.  I have seen the course of friendships and… people that I care about drift into my life and disappear into the sunset.

Text messages and notes in my drafts like these:

“Don’t overthink things.  Trust your instincts.  Jump right in.” — SDCC 2009

“Don’t ever assume that you can’t do anything.”— SDCC 2009

to

“Sometimes the real heroes are the ones you encounter… by “accident.””

to ones from…

“I want a blend of simple, fiery, easy going, passionate, madness, comfort and adventure… unattainable.”

“We all want the unattainable.”

There are some things on my cell phone that… well…

“Love is a many splendored yet mind boggling thing.”

I’m not even saying this is remotely near what it is, what it was, or what it could be.  I am not thinking about that.  I’m just having a good time.  I wanted to continue to have a good time with…

“Soon, the time will be right… soon.”

Here’s hoping it is.

I’m not ready to erase- you- just yet.

The misunderstanding that transpired happened for a few reasons.  But most of all, it happened because, despite knowing in my mind exactly what to do, I had a moment (few moments) of blatant stupidity.

It lead me to a point of introspection.  I reflected on my actions from outside of the box.  I was not happy with all of my choices.  I knew how much that I have evolved and well, it sounded like I was leaving the wrong impression on this instance.

I knew know better.

I continued on like every other thing.  I had to move forward, even if it was a bit of a setback.  In a way, little had changed with…

but in the ways that it had, well…

I was making a video yesterday afternoon and then technology fubar #2 occurred.  This time, it was my camcorder.  Gotta love it.  To make matters worse, it was somewhat involving something pretty important to me.

The camcorder completely froze and would not shut off.  I wasn’t sure if it was going to be completely broken let alone if I was going to be able to recover the video recorded previously to the camera.

I wrote an update on Facebook freaking out.

The text, the misunderstanding… and then…

I wondered if it was a sign.  I’m still not sure.

Looking through and reflecting… purging and making way for the future.

I plugged my camcorder into the USB.  I hoped and wished that it would work.  I didn’t want the setback of the equipment.  I was prepared for the worst.  I think that’s how a person should always approach life.

I am happy to say that my camera is miraculously working now.  The video in question (along with the others) were recovered.  And while I won’t be posting it here, know that it is…

I know that it will be alright.  I just… wish…

“Soon, the time will be right… soon.”

Here’s hoping it is.

I’m not ready to erase you just yet.

—-End Transmission—-

Diving Back in: Muse for Hire Goes Overdrive

I have a confession to make.

I have been focusing more on my web series project (one that bloomed out of its parent project) more than I have the documentary for quite some time now.

My computer hit the max and I needed to get another hard drive.

Between that and a litany of other things, the project was more or less put on hold until… go figure, I was feeling a bit more inspiration.

That happened (another awakening if you will) at Comic Con and further more as it continued past.  And while a lot of the video I got at the con may not likely make the doc, it was what happened afterward that actually reminded me “get back on your project, it’s important.”

I do not believe in forcing art.  I am a purist of so many forms.  I want genuine pieces that I can be proud of.

I took a time out… perhaps a lot of that should have been on film.  Perhaps it wasn’t meant to.  It was not a great time for me.

And then the card came.

Cranes and.... subtleties

Cranes and.... subtleties

At the time, I honestly couldn’t tell you how many cranes I was at.  I was slacking and, well, hadn’t folded in months either.  And while I have quite a bit more than the ones shown here, I still haven’t made the mark just yet.

I got this near the day I had originally intended to finish the project- my soft deadline of August 6th- the 64th anniversary of the bomb dropping on Hiroshima: Peace Day.  I had failed but maybe… not just yet.

It was a sign in it’s simplest form sent directly to my doorstop.  As did… other things later.

Nonetheless, it’s time.  It’s not quite time… but…

Wise words from another world echo in the background.  They speak volumes in one short sentence- not written on the back of this card.

They may have just as well have been.

Time will tell.

Time will tell.

Time.

Will…

For now, I shall reach out…

for that muse…

for that…

Well, a girl can’t give everything away.  But the answer may not be what you think.

Letting go: Material Immaterial

This weekend was phenomenal.  It was also quite frightening for a few hours.

I tend to over worry about things sometimes.  I’ve been working my fingers to the brim.  I’ve been toiling hours away at an idea… at many ideas… at pushing to making those things happening and preparing for some major presentations to debut them.

I am a perfectionist.  I want to do everything just right.  I am hesitant to announce something unless I have already invested considerable time and effort into it.

As some of you may know, I am midst work on a documentary project entiteled Muse for Hire. The name is shared by an umbrella of projects, including my previously unnamed copy writing services (inquire within) as well as a web series project I am working on that came about as the documentary started filming.

But that’s another story.

My camcorder has become an integral extension of me.  The amount of time and devotion I have to the projects and thus the attachment to one small Flip Mino that I purchased for the project, is quite… it’s one material possession I would be upset if it was lost.

This weekend that nearly happened.

So what do you do when something you have such an attachment to disappears?  You freak of course.  I was no different.

Friday night started off a bit rough.  I’d been working on some other projects and not gotten much sleep.  Little things got to me a bit more than usual.  This time it was some comments made out of context in reference to a certain Mr that I am…

“She made some good points though.  I’m a little afraid of how I’m potentially presenting myself here.  I mean, what if she’s right?”

“Calm down.  I’ve seen you two together.  I don’t know the guy but it’s likely nothing and you know it.  What are you referring to exactly though?  Explain.” Mo replied in attempt to get me to calm down a little.

“I’m sure its not but… well, what are you doing tonight?  Let’s go see a movie.  It’d give a better idea of what I mean.”

“I’m not sure I can.  I’m supposed to go out tonight later.”

“Please…”

“Get dressed and come by work.  We can figure out the details and catch an early show.”

I got dressed and headed out.  We talked outside his work for awhile before deciding to get some coffee at a local Starbucks.

Between the caffeine and conversation, I quickly calmed down.  I wasn’t super stressed about it before but sitting at home racking my brain only added to it’s nonsense- and potentially true statements.  Only time will tell.  Assumptions and worrying about it will only get me wrinkles anyway, and I’ll pass on the botox treatments thank you very much.

Conversation changed over to a friend of mine that I thought Mo might like.  I texted her to ask what she was up to.  She was at a bar near me.  I dropped Mo off and went to my place to change into more suitable attire.  He picked me up a little bit later.

“Thank you.  Have a good night.” I received as a reply to a text I’d sent hours prior to him.  Ah the wonders of two super busy people something something. It was something so tiny but it made me glow and calm down even more so.

We arrived at quarter after eleven.  It was her birthday and she was with a group of people.  We headed up to the upstairs portion of the bar.  There are couches along the wall and the perimeter.  We sat down at some with the party.  Such a wonderful group of great people… new friends and old.

The guys were too chicken to approach me.  I cared nothing about them.  I felt the heat of stares and caught people blushing and looking away.  I felt unbelievably confident that night.  I approached men and brought them to the group.  I made sure my best friend wasn’t bored.  We had a great time and I behaved.  It was quite…

At one point my purse was knocked off the couch accidentally.  I’d thought that I had everything when I picked it up, but we didn’t dive into the cushions nor reach very far back behind or under them.  ( You can probably see where this is going.)

The club closed down and we were ushered out.  We talked outside the club.  At this point I realize that something is a bit off.  I’m not sure where my camcorder is.  I dumped my purse out onto the sidewalk.  It wasn’t there.

I freaked.  I can’t afford a new camcorder right now.  But it was more than just that.  While there was quite a bit on there that I hadn’t been able to take off from Comic Con just yet, there was one clip that was pretty important to me.  You see, the thing about filming a documentary is that while you may have a ton of content as you are you are working on it, there are just some moments where you know when they happen that they will be in the finished product.  This was one of them.

I was upset when we left that night.  I knew that I had to be there in the morning to try and get it back.  I was hoping for good karmic retribution.  I knew that there was a chance it might not happen.

And then I thought about it more.

Even after I freaked and worried… I remembered a conversation that bid me to do some reflection I had a long time ago.

“There are some things that are meant to be legendary.”

While the moment I filmed recently will forever be permeated in my mind, regardless if it worked out or not (please let it work though), regardless if I had gotten the camcorder back or not, it didn’t change that simple fact: I’m thankful that it happened because it was legendary.

I accepted that if the camcorder did not return to me that it was simply not meant to be- the moment being in the documentary that is.

We, as a culture of Americans, build up this attachment to silly possessions so easily.  While they may be founded in passion or emotional connection, the possession itself is relatively worthless.  It’s just “great junk” essentially.

And while, yes I did get my camcorder back the next day, I feel amazing.  I know now that I can let go of everything and be alright.  Material stuff is fun to have.  It fuels my art.  But even if I don’t have it, it doesn’t change what I am at the end of the day in the simplest terms: an artist.

So here’s to letting go and letting life happen a bit more each day.  Material is immaterial.

I’m thankful I learned these lessons.  But I will also admit, that it does make me glow a bit knowing that that piece was supposed to be in this documentary project.  It is one moment captured in film in shadows and lights that’s…  well see for yourself, but you have to pay attention…

Muse for Hire

An awakening occured that morning.  It set forth a fire that burned for 3 glorious days.  The muse had found her muse.

Once upon a time, on Valentines day, a muse found her muse..

But like all tragic love stories, despite the perfect timing it initially had, it wasn’t the right time.

It may never be the right time.

But that’s not going to stop her.

This Veruca Salt became determined to hold onto that rareity. She needed to learn patience. And so she turned to an old legend…

There is a legend far older and magical than the story most commonly associated with it. It is, in some ways, the same story.

In Japan after the bomb dropped in Hiroshima, there was a little girl named Sadako.  She got leukemia from the radiation, and laid in a hospital to die.

It is said that if you make a 1000 paper cranes that you will be granted one wish.

She wished to live.  Sadly, she died before she was able to accomplish it.    However she will always live on through the story.

I too have a wish.

That upon completion I would be reunited with my muse.

I’ve learned that I’ve been too much of a “Veruca Salt” of sorts.  I’m prone to being spoiled and unappreciative.  I dread standing in lines.  I tend to read the last few pages of books before reading the rest of them.

In a nutshell, I suck at patience.  Particularly when it comes to a relationship of any sort, albeit friend or otherwise.

As I’ve grown older, I’d like to think that I’m getting better at it.

This is the work in progress of the journey to my muse and the paths it takes me on.

This is the story of the girl and her quest to create.
Because some things are worth fighting for.
Because some things are worth wishing for.
Because sometimes wishes may actually come true in real life.

I will be posting bits and pieces of the documentary while it is in the progress.  I also started a twitter devoted specificially for this project.

It is the start of many to come, and will all be hosted on my main site for that: Museforhire.tv just as soon as I can possibly get it in order.

I appreciate your patience so much.

Here’s a video of my pathetic attempt to make the first crane.