Pocket Change

Day 2 of moving back to Culver City and, of course it rained.  My bike went to the Dr. yesterday. Kage’s heart seized and was diagnosed in need of repair.  Months after my entrance and now exit from the magical land I lived in on the East side… it was a bit of an eye opener.  My last day at the Lake was bright and sunny.  But the day that the move was ultimately being done was a sign that the illusion wasn’t built to last.

Tragedies happened this Christmas and things have tended to break around me.

Hearts.

Cars.

Bikes.

I work temporary gigs.  Contractor assignments.  Freelance is great and then it’s not enough.  I’ve been working my ass off here to stay in Los Angeles… to get that view of downtown from my balcony in Silver Lake.  For the opportunity to ride my scooter alongside the ocean.  But at the end of the day I’m back where I started this journey- with my stuff shoved in a storage unit and only a few coins left in my pocket.

And then a package came from a ghost. A few months ago my grandfather on my mother’s side passed.  He was a bit of a tinker (he fixed watches in his spare time while my grandmother worked on jewelry) and collected miscellaneous things.  Growing up, he always had a sea of change.  He accrued it from many a travel… Whether it was a trip to the grocery store or running an errand, he’d take the spare change he had and throw it in a drawer.  One thing I remember about him was that he always would have coins.

When the grandkids would visit he would dump a drawer of it out for us.  We didn’t know it in those days but he didn’t have much of anything really.   But back then, we thought he had a million dollars with all the sea of glittering coins lying in that pile.

On Christmas this year I got a package from my grandmother on my mother’s side.  It didn’t look like anything out of the ordinary so I didn’t open it.

I spent the time with my son.  He asked me what was in the box and I replied:

“Probably jewelry.  Granma Munchalfen always sends mom jewelry.”

I didn’t realize it then but inside was something important.

The rain kept coming down.  And the harder it poured, the more I pushed through the storms of it all.  Just like I always have.  And as the rains washed the city and turned my car into something rivaling Swamp Thing, perhaps something happened to me too.

I got the call about the bike this afternoon.  Not good.  I told the mechanic about my other grandfather who is still very much alive and still riding his own motorcycle.  I thought about how much I wanted to fix things here myself.  The video game industry is not exactly a user friendly environment as per stability.

My great aunt Louise passed away this week at the age of 91.  I thought about my grandparents and about my other family back in suburbia Illinois.

I thought about how much my family meant to me.  How I haven’t been home much since I left except for funerals.  About the unsent card I found addressed to the grandfather that died when I came back from going home the last time.  About how I didn’t have the funds to go home for this one.  All that fighting and nothing but pocket change to show for it.

Change.

My mother called me to talk about things back there.  She asked if I had opened the package from her mother.  She told me that there was something important in it.

On Christmas this year I got a package from my grandmother on my mother’s side with a simple note:

“Grandma wanted everyone to get a little something from Grandpa.  So she separated the coins and by the grace of Grandpa put them into bags so each of you can start your own coin collections.”

Change.

Hmm.  Alright Grandpas, I get it.

The answer was so simple but I was too caught up in everything else that I lost sight of it.

Stability.

Family.

Love.

My grandfather may not have been a rich man by a financial standpoint, but he was rich in heart.

It’s not always easy but the dream is attainable.  Everything is all within your reach.  You just have to open your eyes and embrace the change in your pockets.

 

 

 

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Insert Transmission Here

Well I love you life.  Sometimes… you’re just unbelievable.

It’s been a series of unfortunate events.   There’s a few flies in the ointment.  A few…wrenches in my gears.

Things around here are just… well this weekend started with a major misunderstanding.  It was something small that escalated, and while there was a result, I’m not really quite happy with it.  I think what happened was both…

It wasn’t a shining moment for me.

About a week ago, the first domino fell.  My phone has been giving me issues and since will not properly sync with my computer to take my contacts off.  Therefore if you have called/texted me and have gotten a “who are you?”  Fret not.  I do not have amnesia… but my phone does.

It started some thinking for me… do I just manually enter the people I care about’s phone numbers or do I just do the factory reset and lose all of my texts off of my phone entirely?

Now for those of you that have been reading my personal twitter account, you may have noticed some strange texts over the past few days.  This is me going through my “notes” of the year or so lifespan this version of my phone has.

You can see quite a bit of your life… in those digital transmissions.  I have seen the course of friendships and… people that I care about drift into my life and disappear into the sunset.

Text messages and notes in my drafts like these:

“Don’t overthink things.  Trust your instincts.  Jump right in.” — SDCC 2009

“Don’t ever assume that you can’t do anything.”— SDCC 2009

to

“Sometimes the real heroes are the ones you encounter… by “accident.””

to ones from…

“I want a blend of simple, fiery, easy going, passionate, madness, comfort and adventure… unattainable.”

“We all want the unattainable.”

There are some things on my cell phone that… well…

“Love is a many splendored yet mind boggling thing.”

I’m not even saying this is remotely near what it is, what it was, or what it could be.  I am not thinking about that.  I’m just having a good time.  I wanted to continue to have a good time with…

“Soon, the time will be right… soon.”

Here’s hoping it is.

I’m not ready to erase- you- just yet.

The misunderstanding that transpired happened for a few reasons.  But most of all, it happened because, despite knowing in my mind exactly what to do, I had a moment (few moments) of blatant stupidity.

It lead me to a point of introspection.  I reflected on my actions from outside of the box.  I was not happy with all of my choices.  I knew how much that I have evolved and well, it sounded like I was leaving the wrong impression on this instance.

I knew know better.

I continued on like every other thing.  I had to move forward, even if it was a bit of a setback.  In a way, little had changed with…

but in the ways that it had, well…

I was making a video yesterday afternoon and then technology fubar #2 occurred.  This time, it was my camcorder.  Gotta love it.  To make matters worse, it was somewhat involving something pretty important to me.

The camcorder completely froze and would not shut off.  I wasn’t sure if it was going to be completely broken let alone if I was going to be able to recover the video recorded previously to the camera.

I wrote an update on Facebook freaking out.

The text, the misunderstanding… and then…

I wondered if it was a sign.  I’m still not sure.

Looking through and reflecting… purging and making way for the future.

I plugged my camcorder into the USB.  I hoped and wished that it would work.  I didn’t want the setback of the equipment.  I was prepared for the worst.  I think that’s how a person should always approach life.

I am happy to say that my camera is miraculously working now.  The video in question (along with the others) were recovered.  And while I won’t be posting it here, know that it is…

I know that it will be alright.  I just… wish…

“Soon, the time will be right… soon.”

Here’s hoping it is.

I’m not ready to erase you just yet.

—-End Transmission—-

Relevance? Unknown

I had.. the most bizarre dream last night.

And you were there.

And so were you.

I don’t remember all of it.

Hell, I don’t remember much of it.

Is it odd for an atheist to pray?

Isn’t a thought released to the air really just the same thing?

What is a prayer exactly?

Another time.

Another story?

This one is just about a wish.

Yes, yet another wish.

Because if you can’t dream it, you can’t realize it.

If you can’t realize it, you can’t actualize it.

If you don’t know what you want, your odds of getting it.. well, they just aren’t as likely.

A discussion with my roommate last night bid some inner reflection.

I was exhausted.  Yesterday was a long one.  But even when my body begged me to stop, I just kept going.

I had to ride out the storm.

I had to punish myself so I knew when I was finally there that I’d deserved it.

But I deserve everything along the way too.

The heartache.

The pain.

The levity.

The letdown.

Talking.  More and more talking.

I’m fortunate enough to be surrounded by such a wonderful support group.

“The thing was.. over the past months you were with him, you grew up immensely.  He, on the other hand, just remained the same.  If anything, he regressed.”

My head is…

I’m so…

~L.

the grip

Mr Parker

the panther

etcetera. etcetera.

There’s alot you don’t know… that you’ll never know.

“I think you’re reaching far too low than you should be.  You are worth so much more than you have been giving yourself credit for.” said another good friend, regarding business affairs.

But the statements…

“Women seem to have it either one extreme or the other.  It’s either full fledged all out full of themselves intensity or no self esteem at all.”

Potential.

Love.

Success.

Dreams.

I was about to go to sleep when he messaged me.  He just won’t let me let him go.

“Is there ever a time when you’re not amazing?”  I asked him.

But that’s yet another story.

I “prayed.”

I wished.

I dreamed.

And you were there.

And so were you.

I don’t remember all of it.

Hell I don’t remember much of it.

I couldn’t see faces.  I can only remember one name.  I’m not even sure if it was the person in the dream.

I remember very little.  But what pieces I do, I remember vividly.

I was sitting across the table from a gentleman.

He asked me:

Why couldn’t I be your first choice? Why am I not your first choice?”

And I said:

“You already are. You always were.”

And then I woke up.  I tried to remember more of the dream.  I couldn’t.  It was driving me batty.

I forced myself to get back to sleep, determined and vigilant to uncover the subliminal messages underlying within.

I remember one name:

yours, Mr Parker.

Even still, I’m not sure.  I woke up again.

No answers.

Just stillness.

Is it odd for an atheist to pray?

Isn’t a thought released to the air really just the same thing?

I just kept going.

I had to ride out the storm.

I dragged myself out of bed.  I saw Mr Parker online.

“You should call me.  I miss your voice or something.”

“Or something… ” he said, as if he already knew.

…Or something…

I drove to work.  The words stirred in my head.  Everything about last night.  Everything about this morning.

I pulled into my spot and went to walk upstairs.  I lifted my eyes up and there you were.

What’s the meaning of all of this?  I’m unsure.

No answers.

Just stillness.

I have to keep going.

I have to ride out the storm.

The man/sir part 1

I broke a rule.

I got caught up in the daydreams.. that they became real as you did last night.

Sometime around midnight, after days and days.

“If we asked someone around us how long they think we’ve known each other, do you think any of them would get it right?”

He asked so many questions.  Like a child, forever eager to find out more.  His mind, a sponge.   Her eyes but a window to a soul far deeper than anyone (not even her) would ever really know.

They spoke in another language.  In so many words and then.. the silence. Perhaps that is what the lesson of the moment is.. to covet those moments of not knowing.  For if you only listen to the wind and the sea rushing to the shore, you will learn every secret the world has to offer.

It takes but a milisecond for change to grace.

He came into my existence like a hawk.

A hunter.

That I may be his prey.

He’d sent me a message earlier.

A half dozen letters were written back and forth.

A galla of texts to proceed thereafter.

They cherished this world of written words not to be belittled in the sterile composition of serifed format.

Their minds raced to be together.  And for moments encased in time they were with nary a care in the world to overcome them.

Moments of acceptance.

Of perfection and completion with their imperfections.

“Why did you do that in there?” I asked him about that first kiss.

He said “It was just a kiss.”

But in their eyes.. and in that silent still she knew it couldn’t be true. Or it shouldn’t be true.

He looked at her and said “Some things do not need answers.”

Perhaps the answers were already there right in front of them as the rest of the world blurred.

For three days I was graced by this phantom.

Three unbelievable days.

And one withstanding night.

“You remind me of someone I can’t remember.”

Yes indeed sir. Yes indeed.  And I will always remember you.  Forever this way, regardless what happens… I will greet thine encore with open arms if ye ever choose to return.