once…

Once upon a time all i desired in the world was to be with you.  I did everything I could just for those moments.  I felt levity like I hadn’t ever felt.  When I left, I left a piece of me.  You had me from long ago.

Once upon a time I loved you more than anything.

Once upon a time I thought that we were untouchable.  Sure we had our problems but…

Once upon a time I gave and gave and gave in every way I could.  Emotionally.  Financially.  I didn’t have much then, but I bent over backwards to give you what I did.  My motives were genuine and I didn’t expect a thing in return.

Once upon a time I’d move mountains if he asked me, or hell, if he even hinted that he wanted them moved.  I’d find the way.  I’ve always found a way.

Once upon a time I said goodbye.  I made my peace about the situation.  I tried to be friends with you.  I really didn’t want it to end like it did.

Once upon a time you were a dickhead and you still are.   A few months ago, after some further drama you pulled after an event, I let you go for the last time.

Once upon a time I thought that you were worthwhile.  That maybe, just maybe this tug of war of hearts was something great.  But, in the end I realized that everyone else was right when they told me that you didn’t deserve me.

Once upon a time I gave you a chance… all the tools shown.  The only thing you needed to do was overcome yourself.  You once told me that I was the most black and white girl you’d ever met and you had no idea where I came from.  But I was yours.  We understood each other and knew what buttons to press.  We strengthened each other separately.  Together we were unbreakable.

Once upon a time you chose the other path.  We went our separate ways and I thought it was going to be alright.. I’d made my peace.  I moved on.  I thought you did too.  So why do you still haunt me?

***

I was messaged last night about a recent stunt Big had pulled as I was waiting for my friend Mo to come over. to pick me up for last nights event.  Mo was helping a friend move so we were running late.  I had felt horrible earlier.  Anxiety and chest pains rendered me stuck in bed.  I almost cancelled even hanging out with Mo, but the grip came over for a few minutes and suddenly I felt better.

Combined with this stunt of my ex, we decided to just cut our losses and hang out and drink.  Mo is very quickly becoming one of my very good friends.  I feel so very fortunate for the people in my life.

I’ll admit it, I was a bit bummed.  When a lover you’ve been off and on with and your former best friend join superforces, even if it’s just a friendship (and him trying to mindfuck me in my opinion) it gets to you- and you’d be lying if you said otherwise.  I may or may not write the full story later.  I haven’t decided yet.

***

Once upon a time, a girl once broken, once repaired, and once a cynic met the most amazing man.  And he was everything conventional that little girls dream of, but not entirely conventional.  And it wasn’t you.

***

I see the grip on a daily basis.  He may work a ton, but he always takes the time out of his day and makes sure that he sees me.  Because that’s what you do for the person you care about.  This man.. this great man.. treats me in ways- though arguably simple and common sense to some- otherwise mythical to the plethora of lovers I’ve ever had.

Mo teased me about how whipped my boyfriend is.  Yes, there I said it- I have a boyfriend, though currently not a monogamous relationship (on my side), he is my ready steady.  And he’s likely better than yours.

I texted the grip telling him I was a bit bummed, and a little piece of the puzzle as to why.  I told him that I really just wanted him to come (no he’s not living with me) and to just hold eachother.  I felt like a bit of a baby.  He’d stopped by a few hours prior to make sure I was alright.  And now this.

Things with Big shouldn’t have phased me.  How do you tell your current lover that everytime you try and toss this other guy back he keeps popping back up?  He’s like the snake in a Medusa head.  Why does he boomerang back but yet he couldn’t commit when he had me?  I swear, and pardon me for saying this ladies, but he seems to have more of those “womanly” qualities about him that drive men mad than I do.  Drama.  Nothing more, nothing less.  And what’s funny is that he has a girlfriend.

Mo and I drank vodka in the living room.  We had a blast throwing down spirit and cares.  Because that’s what good friends are for.  Because that’s what good friends do.

I started texting some more.  I wanted him here.

“Door unlocked.  Take elevator and come in. “

He said he wasn’t getting off for a couple of hours.  With the fires going on, it makes production a bit of a pain in the ass.  I know he works his ass off and seeing a few tweets with total lack and consideration for other people involved pissed me off something fierce with their immaturity… he was stuck at work a long time yesterday.

Mo and I drank till the point of passing out.  I awoke to this boy at the foot of my bed staring up at me.  The grip had come by, without question, like I’d asked.

***

Once upon a time there was a girl who dealt with too much bullshit from a hanger-on man.  She was disillusioned to thinking he could be the best thing that ever happened to her.  And maybe to some extent she was both wrong as much as she was right.

Once upon a time this girl really didn’t know what she’d been missing out on out there.

Once upon a time she enbraced her faults and pieced herself back together.  She learned that you never will meet the right person until you become that person.  And amazing things suddenly started to happen.  And, like a ripple effect, they continued to happen.

Because everything you ever need you already have.  You just need to take a step back and look within. Outside of the box, yet inside of the box.

Once upon a time I didn’t regret a single moment of both pain and joy that you gave me.  Because I grew from it.  And ultimately, it prepared me for the person who would treat me like people dream to be treated.

And it all started…

once upon a time when I let you go.

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4 thoughts on “once…

  1. Keep letting go. Let a little more go everyday. Windows cannot open for you until you close the doors you have open. Good luck, hun.

  2. When we are born we have everything we need to be happy, yet as we grow older we develop this obsession with wanting more. Reason, meaning, knowledge, faith, love, sex, the new macbook, a top 40 single, the cure for cancer, but these are all just filling a void that we ourselves created. Then the morning comes where you wake up and realize that this is the best of all possible worlds, and you could have been happy all along.

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