Wrong wrong right- episode one

For as long as I can remember, I have always been drawn to the wrong kinds of men.  Coming from as conventional a family as mine, I quickly learned:

“If they like him, he’s likely broken.”

The rose colored glasses didn’t work for me.  I knew what I want, but didn’t know what I want.

I want what I want.

I never stop daydreaming.  In my mind I’m always dancing dancing… in that dress in the moonlight.. waiting for my dancecart to be filled by this amazing brutal prince.

Perhaps it’s psychological scarring.  Abuse can do that to you.  But the strange thing is that even though you know it was wrong and detest that it happened, you find yourself craving another form of it.  The key, like everything it seems, is moderation.  You become this twisted version of reality.. drawn by sadism, masochism, subordination and insuborniation, order and disorder, etctera etctera.

It may make no sense besides nonsense… but if it doesn’t, then feel the misfortune of being fortunate enough to be fucked up enough have a greater sense of understanding.

Pavlov proved that given the proper variables, with time, you can get the trained response you desire.  All people are capable of the most intensive forms of manipulation.  Some use obvious means, but the truly great ones are the ones that mindfuck you.  They are the diseases you cannot free yourself from.. but you wouldn’t want to if you tried.

Weak men succumb to strong women by nature.  I like to toy with the idea.. for I do not want a weak man.  A man willing to worship me aimlessly holds little appeal to me.  I want a man that will buck back at me at the same time as he holds the torch.  I want someone who will press my buttons and get under my skin.  I think that intelligence is the most attractive quality anyone can ever possess… and that it is too often neglected.

I want the man that’s too busy with work than to need to be babysat 24/7.  I want the man that will take a few moments, and look up from the computer screen and tell me that despite that he’s working like he is, that he still thinks I’m beautiful.  I want stolen kisses in the rain.  I want flowers “just because” and not just because you told him to send you them just because.

I want a man who can get a hint without having to give him one.  I want someone perceptive and can fuck like a minx.  I want someone who isn’t afraid to be seen with me in public.. who isn’t afraid to entertain forbidden notions there…

I want a man who’s going to put me on a pedestal an build me up, take  a sledgehammer to it, then rebuild it back up again…

Wrong wrong.. but oh so right.  Yes indeed. Yes indeed… please please please.

Untitled blunder

His name was the water.

And like the ocean where he resides so closely that if you looked the other way a moment you may just miss him.

He is the glistening sparkle at the bottom of the sea.  He emulated the spirit of imagination.  He was a brush with destiny.

Some never know him.

Some know him all to well.

For he is a phantom.

He is a dream.

He is *the* dream.

The movie romance that glues you to the screen, makes you grab the tissue box and the bon bons when it’s over.

Subtlties.

Similiarities.

Reoccurances.

The dream that never dies.

But it always…

I guess you really wouldn’t appreciate it if it was another way though would you?

Non

This is me..

and this is what i want.

there is no such thing as *that* in my world.

some tow the line, i blur it.

I want to become wet with words.

I want what I want.

Frustration not frustration.

Vices will be the death.. of someone

My roommate came back from Italy.  We’re still in the relaxed talkative about the trip mode.  She was telling me about the shopping.  She bought one pair of shoes while she was out there and some other assorted goodness.

It’s actually odd that I haven’t blogged about fashion yet.  It is one thing that I’m extremely devoted to.  I’m a bit of a chameleon.  I can’t stand looking like every other lemming.  However, I’m also a snob in some ways.  I believe in buying quality products that will be used constantly.  Investment in a pair of jeans or a good purse for example.  If you’re a woman, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

I am a huge fan of foreign fashion.  I draw inspiration from varied places in time and around the world. It’s part of the secret of how I never seem to look the same day to day.

Morgan said that unfortunately it was expensive there, and that the conversion was horrible.  She brought back catalogs for one of her friends… left them on the table in the living room before she went to get grocerries.  (That’s a different story though.)  I looked and saw the websites.  They weren’t ones I recognized.

So here I am on my day off.. looking at yet again more things to spend my money on.. drooling at foreign shoes… trying to plan an outfit for Saturdays tweetup, and possibly talking to boys.

I have to go to Michaels.. the infamous ribbon of mine (the ones on many of my flickr pictures) went missing this week.  I’m hoping that someone at work found it.  I got it the birthday before last and it has been a staple of my fashion.  I want it back.. and probably some eyelash glue… I had a tube but that’s missing as well.  My room ate it.

Also, I’m going through my clothes and getting rid of some (I want less to pack come moving time), possibly modding others, and going to look into starting up my vintage shop finally.  It’s a little side business of mine in the works.  I really hate that I have to start over with ebay… my ex insisted that I use his account when I did all of my shopping and selling previously.. fucking stupid move on my part.

Perhaps a boy will get me something pretty for me to wear.. or a girl.. I wouldn’t say no.

(1:29:14 PM) supernerdlady: im horrible i know
(1:29:21 PM) supernerdlady: i dont expect any of it
(1:29:53 PM) someonepossibly: you aren’t horrible, you’re awesome

/giggle

I’m incouragible.

Ok, so every once in awhile, everyone goes to the zoo

I didn’t finish everything on the list yesterday.. but damn I still got a lot done.  Sleep, did make a cameo after all.  Postponed after what 4 juicers, I was due.

Last night’s slumber felt amazing.  It would have been even more so had I gotten the apartment cleaned like I would have liked.  I just pushed over some things and made a corner of bed to lay down and sink into.  I went to bed EARLY for me.  I ignored im’s and my phone.  I took time to just really relax.

Today I feel refreshed.  I’m thinking about taking a swim, running the errands I didn’t finish yesterday, and possibly cleaning.  It’s a day of spring cleaning.. a day of catch up.  A day of putting the feet up finally.

I woke up to my roommate coming home.  I was dreading it.   So far it’s been fine though.  She was so relieved to be home after her trip.  She was mellow and cheerful.  I suddenly felt bad about being such an asshole with things not being done around the house.  We talked about her trip and things and smoked a couple of cigarrettes.   Maybe things will be better.  I really hope so.

Putting some cash into savings felt good.  Now I just have to forget its there. Actually, scratch that, it doesn’t exist.  All that I have is the few dollars in my wallet this moment, and they needn’t be spent on anything that is not detrimental to life functioning… some sacrifices must be made in order to have amass debauchery and goodness later.

I’m going to look for some things to change the template here a bit and revamp.  If anyone knows of anywhere that has some good ones, please let me know.  Eventually I want to redirect and get things setup for my own sites and all of that.  I own the domains, I have ideas already.. I just need to get a few more ducks in a row to get them all up and running.

Routine is a welcome thing.. not working again today feels odd.  My boss for job 1 said that she may need me later today, but isn’t sure.  I hope that she does.

Time has become even more valuable.  Everything is an investment.  And my time is best used in those commodities.. weather they are journeys in the quest for knowledge, identity, art, love, lust, pleasure, sadism, masochism, frolic and fancy free, journalistic, documentary, etcetera.. they all serve the same purpose in the end.  I want to maximize the output from the machine.  I want more for myself than yesterday, everyday.  The seasons are changing.  It’s that time of year again.  I am the final product.  And its crunch time in overtime.

good.. morning? evening? wth is this again?

Work was cancelled again due to the weather.. 2 days off for the overnight team. Tonight was a disaster. It was just one thing after another. The truck was really heavy today. So many boxes of heavy electronics. I swear that Kodak is the devil.

Someone gave me a broken pallete so one of my sections was a mess to organize. Thankfully I just unload it and put it there. I did the best that I could with what they gave me.

I was thinking about something personal and got a little down about it. I tried to push it off of my mind, then I got assigned to a department dealing with it. Awesome.

I did the front gum again and looked at the clock.. it should have been about time to go home. Oh no.. I got assigned to another department that I didn’t know. The guys were alright I suppose.. but I don’t know what’s the problem with some of the people there. Many of them have been there for years and seem shocked that little me is working at that hour. My friend David works overnights at his job so thankfully he keeps me entertained. I don’t know what I’d do without him and my ipod.

The sun comes up and we’re still not done. I asked when we leave, and they told me “When it’s done.” Ok, fine. But when it was nearly done, they ditched me to clean up their crap. Babysitting never stops.

I went to clock out and again more… I can’t find my card to punch out. So I have to take care of it when I go back Friday night. My boss was too busy to take care of it today. I hit the bus to head home and stopped at the juicer. First time I’ve paid for a smoothie since I’ve worked there. But there was a girl there that I hadn’t met. She knew who I was. She said she was hoping to meet me and really wanted to work with me. I didn’t realize I was that popular. Considering she’d never seen me and I didn’t have a nametag on, it was very odd.. but flattering.

Home for about an hour now. I drank half my smoothie and am preparing for my errands… here’s what I have to do:

  1. shower again
  2. go to an interview for a possible 3rd job
  3. walgreens for some personal stuff
  4. the bank and deposit my checks
  5. post office to pick something up bc the dumbass postman didn’t knock on my door to get a certified signature (though he’s left other things requiring that at our doorstop before)
  6. RadioShack to return the phone charger I bought while I was out in Santa Ana after writing the rule not to forget it.
  7. Schedule a doctors appointment, or go out and try and get a walk-in one.
  8. vaccum
  9. dishes
  10. clean the fridge
  11. garbage
  12. scrub the floors
  13. put away all the clothes in my room (heh um and go through some of them)
  14. go through the rest of the stuff in the storage area in the apartment
  15. schedule a pickup from Goodwill
  16. call dad to ask about rent for the month
  17. depending on daddy’s answer, update my wordpress account & troll ebay for some odds and ends
  18. try and get a hold of Mike about possible cheap tickets to Chicago next month for my grandparents’ 60th wedding anniversary
  19. emails
  20. check and catch up on blogs, friendfeeds, tweets
  21. caffeine caffeine caffeine
  22. relax

Eesh. So much for a day off right?

Come back warm weather kid

I’m off again from my day job because sales sucked this week and it’s dead.  I guess I should be happy for it considering it was nonstop go go go the past few days.  I got a lil bit of sleep but am back to being wide awake again.

I got my schedule for my night job this week.  I’m off this weekend, but not next.

Work,combined with a roommate out of the country and assorted birthday week shannigans, has left me very limited time to get to my microblogging as well as my normal blogging.  I was on nearly a 10 day hiatus due to goings on here, lack of power, near encounters with heatstroke and getting hit by a car.. and that’s just the tip of the iceburg.
I’m happily getting back to the hustle bustle that is more up my alley.  It was overdue.
For those of you in the LA area, I will be making a cameo at my first official social media event finally- the LA tweetup this Saturday night (unless something happens to mess with that, I have work off both jobs already).  I look forward to hopefully meeting many of you there.  Come help me lose my event virginity, chat, have a few drinks and let’s chat about all the Paresian blah blah blah… because I want to know YOUR stories.  I want to know what makes you tick.

This should be fun.  It’s about time I’m hitting some of these goals.  Now I think I may head over to the record store and get another cord for my ipod so I can change out some of the music on here before work later tnite.  Did I mention that it’s weird that I don’t have to work again till 1030?  Boo. And then ANOTHER “weekend.”  Blah.  Yes, I am a workaholic.. Now if only I could force myself to want to clean the house at “normal hours.”