Wrong wrong right- episode one

For as long as I can remember, I have always been drawn to the wrong kinds of men.  Coming from as conventional a family as mine, I quickly learned:

“If they like him, he’s likely broken.”

The rose colored glasses didn’t work for me.  I knew what I want, but didn’t know what I want.

I want what I want.

I never stop daydreaming.  In my mind I’m always dancing dancing… in that dress in the moonlight.. waiting for my dancecart to be filled by this amazing brutal prince.

Perhaps it’s psychological scarring.  Abuse can do that to you.  But the strange thing is that even though you know it was wrong and detest that it happened, you find yourself craving another form of it.  The key, like everything it seems, is moderation.  You become this twisted version of reality.. drawn by sadism, masochism, subordination and insuborniation, order and disorder, etctera etctera.

It may make no sense besides nonsense… but if it doesn’t, then feel the misfortune of being fortunate enough to be fucked up enough have a greater sense of understanding.

Pavlov proved that given the proper variables, with time, you can get the trained response you desire.  All people are capable of the most intensive forms of manipulation.  Some use obvious means, but the truly great ones are the ones that mindfuck you.  They are the diseases you cannot free yourself from.. but you wouldn’t want to if you tried.

Weak men succumb to strong women by nature.  I like to toy with the idea.. for I do not want a weak man.  A man willing to worship me aimlessly holds little appeal to me.  I want a man that will buck back at me at the same time as he holds the torch.  I want someone who will press my buttons and get under my skin.  I think that intelligence is the most attractive quality anyone can ever possess… and that it is too often neglected.

I want the man that’s too busy with work than to need to be babysat 24/7.  I want the man that will take a few moments, and look up from the computer screen and tell me that despite that he’s working like he is, that he still thinks I’m beautiful.  I want stolen kisses in the rain.  I want flowers “just because” and not just because you told him to send you them just because.

I want a man who can get a hint without having to give him one.  I want someone perceptive and can fuck like a minx.  I want someone who isn’t afraid to be seen with me in public.. who isn’t afraid to entertain forbidden notions there…

I want a man who’s going to put me on a pedestal an build me up, take  a sledgehammer to it, then rebuild it back up again…

Wrong wrong.. but oh so right.  Yes indeed. Yes indeed… please please please.

Untitled blunder

His name was the water.

And like the ocean where he resides so closely that if you looked the other way a moment you may just miss him.

He is the glistening sparkle at the bottom of the sea.  He emulated the spirit of imagination.  He was a brush with destiny.

Some never know him.

Some know him all to well.

For he is a phantom.

He is a dream.

He is *the* dream.

The movie romance that glues you to the screen, makes you grab the tissue box and the bon bons when it’s over.




The dream that never dies.

But it always…

I guess you really wouldn’t appreciate it if it was another way though would you?


This is me..

and this is what i want.

there is no such thing as *that* in my world.

some tow the line, i blur it.

I want to become wet with words.

I want what I want.

Frustration not frustration.

Vices will be the death.. of someone

My roommate came back from Italy.  We’re still in the relaxed talkative about the trip mode.  She was telling me about the shopping.  She bought one pair of shoes while she was out there and some other assorted goodness.

It’s actually odd that I haven’t blogged about fashion yet.  It is one thing that I’m extremely devoted to.  I’m a bit of a chameleon.  I can’t stand looking like every other lemming.  However, I’m also a snob in some ways.  I believe in buying quality products that will be used constantly.  Investment in a pair of jeans or a good purse for example.  If you’re a woman, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

I am a huge fan of foreign fashion.  I draw inspiration from varied places in time and around the world. It’s part of the secret of how I never seem to look the same day to day.

Morgan said that unfortunately it was expensive there, and that the conversion was horrible.  She brought back catalogs for one of her friends… left them on the table in the living room before she went to get grocerries.  (That’s a different story though.)  I looked and saw the websites.  They weren’t ones I recognized.

So here I am on my day off.. looking at yet again more things to spend my money on.. drooling at foreign shoes… trying to plan an outfit for Saturdays tweetup, and possibly talking to boys.

I have to go to Michaels.. the infamous ribbon of mine (the ones on many of my flickr pictures) went missing this week.  I’m hoping that someone at work found it.  I got it the birthday before last and it has been a staple of my fashion.  I want it back.. and probably some eyelash glue… I had a tube but that’s missing as well.  My room ate it.

Also, I’m going through my clothes and getting rid of some (I want less to pack come moving time), possibly modding others, and going to look into starting up my vintage shop finally.  It’s a little side business of mine in the works.  I really hate that I have to start over with ebay… my ex insisted that I use his account when I did all of my shopping and selling previously.. fucking stupid move on my part.

Perhaps a boy will get me something pretty for me to wear.. or a girl.. I wouldn’t say no.

(1:29:14 PM) supernerdlady: im horrible i know
(1:29:21 PM) supernerdlady: i dont expect any of it
(1:29:53 PM) someonepossibly: you aren’t horrible, you’re awesome


I’m incouragible.

Ok, so every once in awhile, everyone goes to the zoo

I didn’t finish everything on the list yesterday.. but damn I still got a lot done.  Sleep, did make a cameo after all.  Postponed after what 4 juicers, I was due.

Last night’s slumber felt amazing.  It would have been even more so had I gotten the apartment cleaned like I would have liked.  I just pushed over some things and made a corner of bed to lay down and sink into.  I went to bed EARLY for me.  I ignored im’s and my phone.  I took time to just really relax.

Today I feel refreshed.  I’m thinking about taking a swim, running the errands I didn’t finish yesterday, and possibly cleaning.  It’s a day of spring cleaning.. a day of catch up.  A day of putting the feet up finally.

I woke up to my roommate coming home.  I was dreading it.   So far it’s been fine though.  She was so relieved to be home after her trip.  She was mellow and cheerful.  I suddenly felt bad about being such an asshole with things not being done around the house.  We talked about her trip and things and smoked a couple of cigarrettes.   Maybe things will be better.  I really hope so.

Putting some cash into savings felt good.  Now I just have to forget its there. Actually, scratch that, it doesn’t exist.  All that I have is the few dollars in my wallet this moment, and they needn’t be spent on anything that is not detrimental to life functioning… some sacrifices must be made in order to have amass debauchery and goodness later.

I’m going to look for some things to change the template here a bit and revamp.  If anyone knows of anywhere that has some good ones, please let me know.  Eventually I want to redirect and get things setup for my own sites and all of that.  I own the domains, I have ideas already.. I just need to get a few more ducks in a row to get them all up and running.

Routine is a welcome thing.. not working again today feels odd.  My boss for job 1 said that she may need me later today, but isn’t sure.  I hope that she does.

Time has become even more valuable.  Everything is an investment.  And my time is best used in those commodities.. weather they are journeys in the quest for knowledge, identity, art, love, lust, pleasure, sadism, masochism, frolic and fancy free, journalistic, documentary, etcetera.. they all serve the same purpose in the end.  I want to maximize the output from the machine.  I want more for myself than yesterday, everyday.  The seasons are changing.  It’s that time of year again.  I am the final product.  And its crunch time in overtime.

good.. morning? evening? wth is this again?

Work was cancelled again due to the weather.. 2 days off for the overnight team. Tonight was a disaster. It was just one thing after another. The truck was really heavy today. So many boxes of heavy electronics. I swear that Kodak is the devil.

Someone gave me a broken pallete so one of my sections was a mess to organize. Thankfully I just unload it and put it there. I did the best that I could with what they gave me.

I was thinking about something personal and got a little down about it. I tried to push it off of my mind, then I got assigned to a department dealing with it. Awesome.

I did the front gum again and looked at the clock.. it should have been about time to go home. Oh no.. I got assigned to another department that I didn’t know. The guys were alright I suppose.. but I don’t know what’s the problem with some of the people there. Many of them have been there for years and seem shocked that little me is working at that hour. My friend David works overnights at his job so thankfully he keeps me entertained. I don’t know what I’d do without him and my ipod.

The sun comes up and we’re still not done. I asked when we leave, and they told me “When it’s done.” Ok, fine. But when it was nearly done, they ditched me to clean up their crap. Babysitting never stops.

I went to clock out and again more… I can’t find my card to punch out. So I have to take care of it when I go back Friday night. My boss was too busy to take care of it today. I hit the bus to head home and stopped at the juicer. First time I’ve paid for a smoothie since I’ve worked there. But there was a girl there that I hadn’t met. She knew who I was. She said she was hoping to meet me and really wanted to work with me. I didn’t realize I was that popular. Considering she’d never seen me and I didn’t have a nametag on, it was very odd.. but flattering.

Home for about an hour now. I drank half my smoothie and am preparing for my errands… here’s what I have to do:

  1. shower again
  2. go to an interview for a possible 3rd job
  3. walgreens for some personal stuff
  4. the bank and deposit my checks
  5. post office to pick something up bc the dumbass postman didn’t knock on my door to get a certified signature (though he’s left other things requiring that at our doorstop before)
  6. RadioShack to return the phone charger I bought while I was out in Santa Ana after writing the rule not to forget it.
  7. Schedule a doctors appointment, or go out and try and get a walk-in one.
  8. vaccum
  9. dishes
  10. clean the fridge
  11. garbage
  12. scrub the floors
  13. put away all the clothes in my room (heh um and go through some of them)
  14. go through the rest of the stuff in the storage area in the apartment
  15. schedule a pickup from Goodwill
  16. call dad to ask about rent for the month
  17. depending on daddy’s answer, update my wordpress account & troll ebay for some odds and ends
  18. try and get a hold of Mike about possible cheap tickets to Chicago next month for my grandparents’ 60th wedding anniversary
  19. emails
  20. check and catch up on blogs, friendfeeds, tweets
  21. caffeine caffeine caffeine
  22. relax

Eesh. So much for a day off right?

Come back warm weather kid

I’m off again from my day job because sales sucked this week and it’s dead.  I guess I should be happy for it considering it was nonstop go go go the past few days.  I got a lil bit of sleep but am back to being wide awake again.

I got my schedule for my night job this week.  I’m off this weekend, but not next.

Work,combined with a roommate out of the country and assorted birthday week shannigans, has left me very limited time to get to my microblogging as well as my normal blogging.  I was on nearly a 10 day hiatus due to goings on here, lack of power, near encounters with heatstroke and getting hit by a car.. and that’s just the tip of the iceburg.
I’m happily getting back to the hustle bustle that is more up my alley.  It was overdue.
For those of you in the LA area, I will be making a cameo at my first official social media event finally- the LA tweetup this Saturday night (unless something happens to mess with that, I have work off both jobs already).  I look forward to hopefully meeting many of you there.  Come help me lose my event virginity, chat, have a few drinks and let’s chat about all the Paresian blah blah blah… because I want to know YOUR stories.  I want to know what makes you tick.

This should be fun.  It’s about time I’m hitting some of these goals.  Now I think I may head over to the record store and get another cord for my ipod so I can change out some of the music on here before work later tnite.  Did I mention that it’s weird that I don’t have to work again till 1030?  Boo. And then ANOTHER “weekend.”  Blah.  Yes, I am a workaholic.. Now if only I could force myself to want to clean the house at “normal hours.”

Conduitary Exinstinctumplative

if things are bad, they’re still good.
if they’re good, things are still golden.

if we’re apart, its got its reasons.
if we’re together… it’s got its reasons.

the here.
the hereafter.

the in between.
the non existent.

our paths crossed for matters unknown to anything beyond the heart.

emotion is never fully defined.

and so to query an explanation as to what we have or do not have..
is to cheapen the thread.. the soul.. that resides within.

we are just to be.
whether or not we are meant to be.

Anything beyond what we are inside our raging minds
is but an exemplary notation to reach further inside of ourselves and achieve more.

never enough.
but always enough.

©Scandalous 1.6.8

An old bit of prose from earlier this year. Hope you enjoyed.  More to come of course

3rd Time is a charm?

I can’t believe that I had 2 days off this week. It was bizarre. However it’s back in high speed mode yet again. After this posting, I have to rush to get dressed and grab some breakfast before hoping the 2 trains and then going to work for a good 16 hours in the span of 27 hours… it actually may be more if I have to work Monday night. I haven’t checked yet. Talk about pushing tin right?

A boy rests his head on a pillow. I sit here in front of the computer before the alarm because I vowed that I was going to get back to my daily blogging.

Yesterday was yet another last minute adventure. As I wrote in my list, I got a call in the morning asking me if I wanted to do something. Well, I was originally supposed to be in San Diego with this gent for one of my days off, but it played out like yet another movie scene.

I called the Metrolink right near my house to ask about when the trains would come in. It told me at 51 every hour. I am a habitual procrastinator. I vegged a wee bit, and then scrambled to get ready on time. My roommates friend has been over at the apartment periodically checking up on the animals. She’s fairly upset because since I have been gone, the house isn’t exactly immaculate; even though it isn’t at all when my roommate is home. I think that’s what her problem is.. I really honestly don’t know.

The train station is about oh 3-4 blocks away from me. It’s not far at all, but a good 10-15 minute walk. I was trying to dress date nice.. which always requires heels for me. Since she was there I asked her about possibly hitching a ride down the street from her. Most normal human beings would have not thought it a big deal. She, however, was a cunt, and gave me the brush off with excuses:

“I have stuff to do”

“It would only take a minute and I’d appreciate it a ton.”

“Gas is expensive.”

“Um for 3 blocks? It’s not that expensive.”

“I have stuff to do..”

I wasn’t her problem to deal with. I get it. However, it progressed. My roommates shower is the only bathroom with one in our apartment. I needed to take one before I left, and told the girl that she needed to be out of the room when I did that. She told me no and that I was going to have to deal with her.

Something else that bothered me was her total lack of consideration for me in my apartment. She came and went as she pleased because she had Morgan’s key. When I was getting ready the other day, I was acting as if no one was there. I was getting dressed and walking around the apartment. I heard the front door slam a lil while into it.. after having walked around in the nude.

I am so ready to get out of that apartment.

So when I got the call to pop down to Irvine to visit this boy I used to date again, I got on the train straight away. Metro is amazing. I envy Daddy’s commute to work more and more everytime that I ride it. It was cheap to come out.. same price to come to OC as it was to LA.

He got me at the train station and we came back to the hotel he was staying at. We joked and reminisced about how the last time I’d been in that Mustang.. we were both afraid for our lives. It really never was an Alaska car.

I decided for the first trip that I’d made with him, I wasn’t going to wear heels. We’d gone on 2 trips together prior.. one I visited him in Alaska when I was living in San Diego (ironically he lives in San Diego now).. the other when we went to GDC in San Francisco.

Visiting in hotels was what was common. It was different to look out the window and not see a huge city of lights, or ground covered in pure white snow. All hotels seem to have the same basic format though. This one though.. the staff and people here.. they made it more personable. Perhaps it was because it was the best of the hotels we stayed at. Perhaps it was that we were here to enjoy it, and didn’t have business or any real outside distractions this time. And even though I tossed and turned in my sleep last night.. it wasn’t here.. it wasn’t because of him. It was relaxing and welcoming.

Once I twittered about where I was, I was told I should ask about getting cookies here. I asked at the front desk, but they were already gone. We were in the middle of being escorted in the back of this hotel kitchen though to reheat a pizza. I really wish I’d had my camera. I went to get change to tip the guy, as it was after the kitchen was long past closed. On the way back down the long hallway, I asked one of the staff that was cleaning if he had anything good to eat.. cookies or what not. He snuck me some cookies.

The rest of the day prior was full of other assorted win as well. It was simple, but fun. It was exactly what I’d wanted. Conversation, sushi, drinks, down time, to watch some Indy, cuddle, etcetera. I was hoping that I’d get through to some local OC friends that I haven’t been able to hang out with in forever, but it didn’t happen. Ah well, push my luck. There’s always next time.

The last trip that we went on together was horrible. This time though, it was just us.. none of that extra crap. And we had a good time. Some things never really change… the looks, the sleeping patterns, the reactions to how I’m a lil bit silly in public (there was someone playing an accoustic cover of Goo Goo Dolls-Iris and I began to ballet dance), “the stick up my ass is still there it just has a lil button for when it comes out,” and then some things do… he took care of most everything , I had toned down being as “obnoxious,” we had grown a bit older.. a bit wiser.. but were generally the same.

Now is this the part where I say that we still have butterflies? Honestly? I’m not sure what this was besides a good time with an old friend that I have a sexual connection with as well.

Where my heart is at the moment? I love to date. I also love the idea of sport fucking. I’m picky though. I believe the words hopeless and romantic go together for a reason. And that’s me deep down.

I am a romantic and hopeless.. and I want all of what that encompasses. I want the magic. I want too much it seems in this day and age. However, the sets of sparkler romances I seem to encounter aren’t terribly bad either. And if something more becomes of one one day, then I’ll let it play out like the movie it usually is.. and hope that it doesn’t end tragically this time.

And now that I feel like Carey Bradshaw.. I need to rush to get dressed, possibly participate in some quick sport, and try and get a bite to eat before boarding the trains to get h0ome and be 15 minutes late for work very well possibly.

Lessons Learned this week

  • 20- Hot curlers can “safely” be left on all day.
  • 19- No matter how cute you look in short shorts or a short dress, DO NOT even think about wearing it in public in a club or a bar unless you want every single loser to approach you. Because the worthwhile guys will not approach someone that looks like a hooker unless they just want sex. Ladies, DO invest in a couple of pairs of really good jeans.. or jeans with a “handle.” I swear by mine. Also DO wear the top thats low enough to show off, but not so low as your ladies are everywhere to be seen.
  • 18- Racial or religious discussions should never be discussed while drinking. Nor at work. This is something I knew already but however it still happened.
  • 17- Many people do not understand what’s involved in the fetish scene.. even people who think that they really do. And people that you may think wouldn’t, you need to look out for.. because they probably actually do have more of an idea then you think.
  • 16- If you want to see just how tough a guy is call him a vagina even in teasing or question his manhood. The more you do, the more he will feel the need to prove that he’s a man. This is actually quite awesome a majority of the time. It will tell you which ones have a sense of humor and which ones just don’t have the skin tough enough to deal with it. (Btw, yes this was a test, you passed)
  • 15- If you’re going to get drunk and text, twitter it. Why? Because even if it doesn’t go through on there, it will still go through to your Friendfeed, and you can go “Wtf was I thinking?!” later (this is really bad advice btw)
  • 14- When all is said and done, no matter how much your best friend detests who you are interested in, she will still be willing to put the both of you up in her apartment cross country.. provided you are not that one guy she personally can’t stand (and no dear, she’s not even talking about you.. she said she would deal with you… lol.. just not dakine)
  • 13- Cool people write you a message telling you happy birthday in a digital means. Awesome people send you hand written cards in the snail mail and send you flowers from halfway across the world. (I appreciated both btw, just laugh if you didn’t do the second part!)
  • 12- The way you can truly gage a friends love for you is not how much money they are able to lend you in a bind, how often they call or write.. no the way to any friends true heart is if they are willing to spend 12 hours slaving over apple butter because that’s what you said you had a craving for.
  • 11- Fake eyelashes turn heads… like majorly in a good way, in the right places… in most everywhere I went actually.
  • 10- If you have to pack extra shoes, double check both are in your bag. Specifically in a rush. Or I hope that you’re happy with the other ones.
  • 9- Never call work and ask about friends switching shifts before plans are indeed solid solid (which is weird because its part of making them solid solid)
  • 8- Never have clean clothes on the floor of any room while drinking. It doesn’t matter if you are the one drinking or they are. If you don’t want to do laundry later, just move em.
  • 7- Never carry a book with the word “Sex” vividly on the cover on any form of public transportation. Even the ones who look conservative will wink at you… it doesn’t matter how classy you dress.
  • 6- Never get on/pay for a train before asking the question “Are you sure you want me on this train?” no matter what the conversation sounds like before doing so.
  • 5- When you know your limit, tell people that are too drunk to understand, just to stfu.
  • 4- Never leave the house without spare lipstick, eyeliner, the cell phone, music, pen, and notebook. Also for me, it’s my camera, extra batteries, and chargers.
  • 3- The timetables and phone numbers of the Metrolink, Amtrak, and all bus services need to be memorized, put on speed dial on the cell, and rushed last minute emergency procedures need to be planned in advance, so as not to miss any trains or busses in the future.
  • 2- All tech devices are to be kept charged as much as possible at all times. Having multiple chargers is a must for would be last minute travelers.

and the biggest, most important rule of all…

  • 1- If its a weekend, or any day that you think your friends may have off, ALWAYS, and yes ALWAYS get dressed that day like you are going to have a last minute date.. because you never know when someone will randomly call and just say “hey, let’s do something…”

(case in point, it’s 1030 am and I have a date right now and need to head out.. and of course I was too busy making this list then to get dressed and ready to go out =p)