Per request-

Mia: Don’t you hate that?
Vincent: What?
Mia: Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it’s necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?
Vincent: I don’t know. That’s a good question.
Mia: That’s when you know you’ve found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

That, my dears, was my weekend.  But you’re going to have to wait to hear that tale.

With that, the sound begins again.

I know that it has been awhile since I’ve done this.  So much has been going on.  But don’t fret.

I have not stopped writing- I just changed mediums for awhile.

I have not stopped dating.

I have not stopped smiling.

(Non sequitor.)

I have not died.

(Well, that part is only partially true.)

I still exist.

I guess part of what happened is, as generic as it may sound…

life.

I was walking through the art supply store yesterday waiting for my friend to be free to cut me some canvas.  I can’t remember the last time I painted.  I was inspired and felt it was time.

My weekend had been a blur.  A punch drunk fury of hours come and gone like a gust of wind.  Perhaps the rain this week washed away more than just a few dirty streets.

I think I know what I’m going to paint.

My best had to help a customer.  I found myself lost in shelves lined with magic.  I called the one person who I knew was a combination of both worlds.

“Grandma what are you doing home?  You’re supposed to be in Dwight enjoying your childhood memories.”

“Next weekend.”

“I want to have sand in my paint but I forgot what I need for that…”

“To thicken it up you need a medium.  Or you can just use oils because its thicker.”

You see, and this should not come as much of a surprise, but my grandmother… is an artist.

“Grandma I had… All I want to do right now is paint.  I want to hike and paint and watch sunrises and sunsets over the city and paint for awhile.  It’s been too long.  I have a lot on my mind.”

“I think thats wonderful.  Do you still have those brushes your aunt and I bought you years ago?”

“I do.  I’m going to have to dig them out.  I’m buying a couple of artist pallates.  I want to go to the beach and paint so I want something that if I lose I won’t be super upset about losing.”

“Buy a plastic one or get paper ones for that.  Best bet would be plastic. It’d be easy to clean.”

“Grandma, tell me about how it was to date in your time  What was that like for you.”

“I don’t talk about that.  I did date before your grandpa but I’m a very private person.”

Oh what she doesn’t know…

We walked around and talked about life.

“Why as a society are we brought up and told “Be honest. Be yourself.  Be open.” but then when you actually are, people crucify you for it… because there’s something about them that they can’t fully express and they’re envious… because you are the colorful painting and they are stuck in black and white.”

“Because people are hypocrites!” She said with a laugh.

I guess that’s part of why I took a pause.  My scrawlings, despite being vague and relatively ananomous nature have been both uplifting and the knife of the final move of my demise.  Despite my openness about this blog before I ever even enter into anything, men seem to become entransed by the words and then… when the plot really thickens and the soufle is in the oven… well, they fall short.

“Choose your words wisely.  They make or break you.”

I am not broken anymore.

I may not be that black and white picture all of the time but…

Life has been busy.  I have eased into a semi normal lifestyle believe it or not.  I have slept some wonderful nights and I have also tossed and turned with dreams of a ghost.

But those tales shall come later.

Know that I have been to hell and beyond and… it’s good to be back.  We have a lot of catching up to do my friends.  And thank you for the messages telling  me to get back to this.

More later.  But for now?  I have to get dressed.  Someone got a normal 9-5 office job downtown.  Mind boggling huh?

Cheers,

j.

The more you know

We are not allowed to discuss 3 things in my fathers house:

Religion

homosexuality

and politics.

Go figure I happen to frequently talk about all 3 on a regular basis.

My dad has strong convictions in his beliefs.  I am always open to a discussion regardless of preference.

I think that it’s not important, but is a healthy exercise to do so.  One must always challenge the mind.  Thinking outside of the box only happens when forced to do so.

Here is what I learned this weekend:

  • life isn’t about what you know, its about trying to find the right balance of patience, humility, confidence and pride to find the strength to say:

I know somethings but I don’t know everything.
I need help finding out what I don’t know so I can learn it.

Knowing isn’t half the battle, it is the battle.

You have to break the comfort of routine in order to discourage negative opportunities.

If you question saying it out loud and are not ready to bear the consequences of it being taken negatively, no matter if it’s positive or constructive, it’s probably best not to say anything at all.

You can never truly give up on anything.

If you can’t laugh at yourself, you’re probably doing it wrong.

True comfort  comes from within. The rest is just imaginary.

The War

Something happened yesterday that I won’t be getting into this posting. Something happened that I will however.

The ball dropped. Was it the other shoe?

For reasons unknown

For reasons I’d like to believe in

I know that I’m going to be alright.

The number 4 is now a prominent figure.. fading in and out like a neon sign on a dive bar.

But trinity would be close behind. As the rise and fall of one gasp of the fourth seems to not know for sure if they indeed want to be a contender.

There’s a war going on inside my head.

One of passion and desire. One of things I cannot say. One that I’ve said to a handful of people.

I walk alone.

In the distance, the quiet roar of the freeway. The rain drops on me and all I want to do is lay in bed.

But I can’t.

I have to get up. I have to move out of my comfort zone.

I have to find the right path that will lead me…

to you?

to you?

to you?

to you?

to me?

I’m being haunted even in my daydreams. Driving around. I see reoccurances of the same car. Your car. Perhaps it’s coincidence.

But then it’s followed by yet another sign.

Of 444’s and hope…

Destiny. Fate. Someone is watching over me. I’m in the right place. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

There’s a war going on inside my head.

One of passion and desire. One of things I cannot say. One that I’ve said to a handful of people.

I walk alone.

In the distance, the quiet roar of the freeway. The rain drops on me and all I want to do is lay in bed.

But I can’t.

I have to get up. I have to move out of my comfort zone.

I have to find the right path that will lead me…

De-preciation

A text around 7pm on Valentines Day…

“Go to your front door please.”

I put some jeans on.  Wiped the tears from my eyes.  I could barely breathe.  It had been a day of harsh reflections.  This Valentines Day, as cheesy as it sounds, I was going to be my own Valentine.

Sitting in the corner were a few things: the newest issue of The Walking Dead, Batman #686, a sticker, and a heart shaped locket.

“Where are you?” I texted back.

“I thought I was ready to see you.  Waited for a bit for someone to open the door.  But then lost my confidence.”

It’s been a month.  And time does not seem to heal these wounds for so much bittnerness hath been created.

Against all other judgement.  Against my own judgement.  I started to fall deeper into an abyss.

A man who once showed so much strength and conviction to get through the days that it kept me moving… was a shadow now.  And for a craftsman of light such as I, it stung that much more.

He didn’t understand.

Months and months of him having little to no time for me.  I found myself losing myself.  Many nights, I cried myself to sleep wondering why this man who claimed that he loved me, and showered me with matierial affection, failed miserably where it counted most.  I stopped seeing friends as often.  Part responsibility.  Part sacrifice for him.

But then it became petty.

He was working so hard for that picket fence he said.   Toiling away for that bottom dollar.

Until the day where my best friend came back into town.  He’d been overseas for 6 months.  I wanted this boy to come meet him.  I wanted to have an evening out with 2 of my best boys.

I was thrown more bitterness.

I went through it anyway… the way I always knew how but didn’t always show I knew better.

I spoke to friends.

I went out.

I went to work.

I saved my money.

I cut back on the excess.

I cut back on everything.

I needed the time for myself.

To reflect and appreciate what mattered most.

“I’m raising my standards with people each time they piss me off… and they’re dropping like flies more and more.  I used to have 60 phone numbers in my phone.  It was all the people I’ve met in my life.  I now have 12.  So consider yourself lucky.  You’ve outlasted some amazing people.” my friend from a small town in Alaska (the same Sarah Palin is from) told me.

Because life has to go on.

Because you always have to be moving forward.

I stopped waiting around for someone who did not value my time.

I was alive again.

“Where are you?” I texted back.

“I thought I was ready to see you.  Waited for a bit for someone to open the door.  But then lost my confidence.”

Dear the grip,

I feel that you do not appreciate me.  When you truly love someone… this is not the proper way to behave.

I want to thank you for everything that you have done for me.  For everything that you are doing for me with the coorespondence we are still having.

You say you do not have confidence.

You say I hurt you by having… whatever moments that I have.  They are my moments.  They are the moments of the people I share them with.  They do not belong to you.

You choose to not be part of them.

You chose not to want to be here.

These, are… yours.

Free will.

Live the way you want to.

But live while you are living.

Lest you miss out on something wonderful.

Where the road will take us, for that I am uncertain.  I will be forthright and honest… I do not know if we shall walk this road together or if we shall part ways.  Perhaps for a little while.  Perhaps forever.  Perhaps for many lives to come.  For I cannot make promises or guarantees of anything.  That is something I have always been constant in telling you.

I love you.

I love you as a person.

But lovers we shall be?

Perhaps we both know the answers.

I guess time will tell though.

Because life has to go on.

Because you always have to be moving forward.

Free will.

Live the way you want to.

But live while you are living.

Lest you miss out on something wonderful.

[To be continued…]

MIA highlights

breaking up is “fun” to do.. even multiple times

being called christian/catholic/brainwashed by someone because of a spiritual difference of ideas (by the way I’m none of the above) as if either  of the first 2 were automatically insults

being called a republican for saying I hang out with 2.0 and corporate people

whats wrong with sex in public? and in front of 2 friends?  yeah.. no big deal

being the minority (and white) at an awesome Halloween party with spiked punch

audioblogging Monday-Friday here

getting Red Alert 3 and not Fallout 3… (this needs to be remedied ASAP)

realizing that sometimes it feels like 3rd grade all over again at work

because sometimes you get to research property annexation laws regarding railroads in a different state in order to make the educated decision on your investment because your family who also holds a joint venture in said property isn’t giving you all the information.

Day of the Dead festivities at Hollywood Forever.

Buying multiple costumes but only deciding to wear the one.

Wearing a wig to my first day of work-yes, seriously.

ditching a majority of the “rotation”

the dark horse got the boot from the friend finally.. after he gave her a laptop.  I love karmic retribution sometimes.

getting my nails done for the first time in a couple of months.. BLISSFUL treat.

missing awesome events due to boy drama- FIXED!

A sea of desk toys I wish I could photograph but can’t due to a damn NDA.

meeting a new friend at work, only for him to get let go a week later due to the cutbacks.

foot meet mouth.

i work at the most awesome yet also most frustrating place at times.. (wait isn’t this most everywhere for people?) but yet I can confidently say I love my job 85% of the time.

emails from pretty girls.. and a couple that may actually be worth considering for once…

because sometimes the food might be great but the takeout box might be that much better…

I learned:

The nice thing about having multiple personalities is that it gives you an excuse for having double standards.

everyone has their reasons to validate bad behavior-including racism and religious intolerance- and a majority of the time it’s due to a self esteem leak.  And, with enough pressing, you may fall victim to doing something yourself and not realize it.

Assumptions are just stupid. Some stereotypes may be true for a reason but you have to account for the chance that they might not be in that particular case. Always have an open ear to learn the whole story first.

pretty girls prefer gmail

some of the best nights are when you’re just talking and throwing down spirits in front of a horror movie.

never mix business with family, let alone ones you can’t stand in the first place. I tried against better judgement. I failed as expected.

he may be aggravating at times, but when you weigh the Pros vs the Cons, the Grip treats me as gold as the name Booster G would imply.

never consider dating in your own department/floor.. even if they are one of the hottest people on the floor.

never have serious discussions regarding monogamy with me when I am drunk especially… it won’t be pretty (I know color you surprised huh).

I need to blog M-F and not generally on the weekend because I’m most always crazy busy.

You need to surround yourself by the type of people you want to be more like- ala- surround yourself with successful intelligent and genuine people and avoid the lemmings lest you become one too.  Though in their defense, ignorance is bliss.

the weekend needs to be full of all the sex you were too busy to have when you were working.

my body will wake me up earlier and ill be more refreshed after a night of drinking- felt so good I’d consider being an alcoholic if I didn’t know better/had the funds to do.

the hottest people are generally the ones that a)have the most confidence leaks, b)have a subscription & not just issues… c)if they’re interested in dating me will be proven to be crazy.

I need to hit the gym and get rid of the belly I’ve acquired over the past yeah and a half.. yes I feel like I have a belly, stfu those who know me and think I’m silly.

making up is sometimes dare i say, worth the argument…

And more to come later in the week ^_^

Cheating/ Mission complete

This is just a small blog to say… Horray!  I met the goal.  NaBloPoMo for the month of August.  And man what a ride it was.

I don’t think that I could have picked a better month to do it either.  The move to LA has been a rollarcoaster of adventure, heartache, passion, debauchery, and of course… lots and lots of business.

Who knew so much could be jam packed into 1 months time?  It really makes you take a step back and think.

I am making more commitments to myself on a daily basis.  Yes, that’s me trying out that other c word.  It’s a biggun.

I am finding that I am becoming more and more dedicated and focused as time goes by.  I am learning where exactly it is where I want to be, where my heart is, where I am headed, what I will or will not put up with.. etcetera etcetera blah blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda.

Love.

“Hate.”

I never really hate anything.  I honestly believe that that word should be abolished.

On that tangent, I also believe that the word love is overused too.

The things and people that I can say I genuinely love, I can count on one hand.  The fact that it’s more than 1 finger leads me to believe I am incredibly blessed, in as blessed as a non religious person can be.

Life is an adventure.  I am learning so much everyday.  I want to learn more.  I crave it.  It will happen.

NaBloPoMo was more than just a month of consistent blogging to me.  It was a dedication and personal commitment to myself.  I was successful. I am successful.  I have the potential to be even more successful in all areas of my life if I only work hard for it.

Is it bad to be your own number 1 fan?  Hell someone has to be right?  Scratch that.  I’m my number -4 fan.  For some reason I’m blessed by 3 beautiful children who rank higher than I could ever imagine…

</cheese>

Reaching

A day of time out was in order.  The details?  I’m not going to say.  But a friend told me awhile ago:

“Crazy times when sanity starts to kick in…”

Who would have known the unspoken ironies that rang true with that phrase.  I take full responsibility for what happened.  However, I think it’s for the best.

It’s not my business to say that their actions were wrong.  The domino I started with what I’d done– again, was my volition.

My roommate and I were talking about things.. how sometimes in the heat of the aftermath of an accident, emotions are already running high and it’s natural for things to happen.

“But like they said in Speed, Jena.. it doesn’t last.”

Who knows though?  I’d like to think that things happen for a reason.  Maybe part of it was for good… I didn’t lose anything really, and neither did they.  If it could be “stolen” it wasn’t mine to begin with.  People are responsible for their own decisions after all.

I learned a lot and reached up.. I caught the air, but realized I could jump even higher.  I learned more where solid ground was.  That there are some relationships stronger than you’d ever imagine… and some that maybe were always destined to fall apart.

I’m first on the list… I’m adding more to it.  I was silly to even consider uprooting… and although Southern California may not always be the greatest, well.. can two places become home?  It’s an odd feeling.

I talked to Big again.  He did what he always did… he shook me with reality.  He’s right, and he always seems to be.  At the same time, I felt better as the conversation parted.  It was not bitter.  He was still there… perhaps there is hope for a friendship afterwards.  I knew what we had was stronger, in whatever way it was to be… even if we were not necessarily meant to be.

I calmed down and reached up… I calmed down and reached into myself.

Johnny 5, I’m still alive… and it’s going to be alright.  With or without you.