Prose: Untitled focus

“Enjoy the concert.  Here’s hoping this guy makes you smile.” he said as I was preparing to leave.

A text message from another world came in… what he didn’t know, was that I was already glowing.

“I don’t need a dude to have a good time.”  I told him.

And I didn’t.

And I don’t.

I realized that anything above and beyond that, regardless if worked out or not, was just a bonus.

It has taken me a long time to get here, but I’ve finally arrived.

This is who I am.

This is who I want to be.

It’s nice to meet

… me.

My eyes are open.

My heart is as well.

Love is a battlefield.  You don’t have to retreat but you have to keep your shield up, even if it is a weapon as the Spartans say.

I am prepared to be the person I have always wanted to be…

I am prepared to learn the lessons and experience the pain and the levity without prejudice.

Because that is how you get stronger.

Because that is how you progress.

With a concrete squishy heart…

With eyes wide open…

I know that anything is possible.

A week without you: the Wildcard/ A girl. A bar. A story.

“You should forget about him.  He’s too much drama. ” they all told me.

And given what happened earlier in the week, perhaps they’re partially right.  He has had far too much bearing on my life.  He’s hurt me in ways I recall my marriage did.  I fell into that pattern yet again.  He’d been swearing at me… telling me that I “deserved it.”  He’d made me feel guilty about not being that perfect girl, while he called me his dream girl.

Asking for someone’s time and to give them a schedule for when they do have it shouldn’t be that hard.  Not when you proclaim to love someone.  Not when you say that you miss them terribly and are working hard for that picket fence for them.

“You will meet someone else.”

“No I won’t.”

“You will meet someone else when you least expect it…”

“Yeah right.  I’m not even going to look anymore.  I’m over it.”

“You will meet someone else when you’re not looking…”

Enter the hardest Yelp review I’ve written thusfar… a tale of more than a bar but of a change of pace.  It wasn’t something I ever expected.  It wasn’t something than what I’m used to.  It was completely different.  And for those moments, it was what it should be… what I’m told I really do deserve- someone without drama who genuinely enjoyed the time we had together.

Despite the outcome of the wildcard, as I really did see it as an inevitable closing due to certain life differences, it was something that I’m really glad I had the experience of.  It is, after all, about the experiences more than the destination and the people you share the moments with along the way.

Perhaps one of these days it will work out.  The positive nature of this wildcard though gives me a bit more hope.  I tend to go for a certain type of guy.  A certain look.  A certain collection of qualities and traits.  He was little of those.   He was something entirely different.

He knew about video games and computers but wasn’t engrossed in them.  He looks a bit like a frat boy (not my type at all.)  He could go for hours talking about cars.  He has a bachelors in psychology. He had little money and even less ambition.  He was comfortable about where he was, and consistently positive.

While he may have been conventionally “normal” attractive, he was nothing like I’d expected, but yet everything I’d expected.  I’ve been accepting far too little than what I am capable of.  I deserve the full package- the ambitious, intelligent, wildly attractive, humorous, genuine man that girls fawn over, but only think exists in dreams.  And while that’s currently where that man will probably be for awhile, I know now that regardless if you are there or not, or anyone… it’s all going to be ok.

its only taken 3 years

My marriage was over 3 years ago, but the axe finally comes down officially tomorrow.

3 years of heartache of separation from the kids.

Of bullshit games and an inferior complex from a man who abused me both emotionally and physically.

From a man who attempted to extinguish the fire within me.

I look back at pictures in reflection.  It was a long time ago but doesn’t feel like it was.  It was a different life.  A different world.  One that I miss sometimes and others one that I’m glad is being left behind.

I thought I would always be watching from the rearview mirror… seeing little faces turn big and I wouldn’t be there.

It tugs my heart.  I first heard about my daughter walking from an email sent to someone else.  I wasn’t included in this family.  He ran off to make his own.  With another woman who couldn’t have children of her own.

Imagine finding excel spreadsheets with daycares cross country with your children’s names.  Of threats before work to take your children.  Of a man you gave everything up for reminding you your place in line.

Money.

I hate to love money.

“Why is divorce so expensive?”

“Because it’s worth it!”

Court is tomorrow in Martinez.  I am exhausted.  There is little to nothing I can do at this point.  If I go in and contest the terms, I may not even be heard or the divorce may be postponed.  Both of which, I don’t want.

It’s the dissolution.  It’s just one part of the process.  It will work itself out.  I will fight for them in the ways that I can.

The judicial system is frightening.  I’m amazed with the bullshit he’s able to get a hold of.  He hasn’t let me see my children with him in nearly a year.  I feel like such a small fish in a big pond.  But I don’t have time for melancholy.  There’s no crying over spilled milk.  Steps forward, and no looking back.

These few days I have been so busy.  Looking for work.  Writing elsewhere.  Tugging my heart on the ground and cutting myself off to focus.

The fire that was extinguished all those years ago has returned.  I’m stronger.  It can’t hurt me anymore.  Tommorrow I will be free of the last bit of chains left.

The best thing that came of this experience were those babies.  Those babies that I am committed to going full force and diving into this market to make the life for them better.  One day at a time.

The path ahead is free and inviting… but god help me I’m scared/excited.

They never said this was going to be easy…

The Beauty of no classification

Are you sure you’re going to be ok in those boots?

Honey, these boots were made for walking…

No, not so much actually.

The plan for the night was to hit the I am 8 Bit exhibit opening at the World of Wonder gallery in Hollywood. An earlier trip out for the soft opening of the Blue Palms Brewery last week was the cause. Walking back from Pig and Whistle, I walked by the gallery and was given the flyer. Having been an avid fan of the exhibit for some time now, it immediately hit my calender as a “must go to” event.

I rallied some friends to going. Cancellations. Postponements. Boy busy with work and cocktail night schmoozing. I would have gone alone had no one RSVP’d.

It was a longer walk than I’d expected initially. My roommate parked near the Brewhouse.

“It’s just like 5 or 6 blocks..”

Yeah.. um, no. We arrived late- 3 outfits (including one with a tutu) later to a line wrapped around the block. Apparently it had been packed since 6:30. We saw some of the local twitwits, middle or so in line. They’d gotten there at 8:30.. it had moved a little bit but they’d hardly made a dent. Another friend of ours was nearer to the back of the line. If it didn’t move much faster, we were just going to head out and get drinks elsewhere together.

We hopped to the back of the line with the other friend. Another came out- he’d actually been able to get into the show and showed us pictures. He ended up going to the Pig and Whistle for food and drinks afterward. We stood in line and chatted.

“A guy I went on a date with awhile back may be in this line..”

“Jena, the liklihood of that being true with the way you are is probably very high.”

Well, yeah the line consisted of a meat market of modern and attractive nerds. If I had been there with a female friend, I would have probably went up to some of them and talked. But I’m still new to LA, so that comment was a bit out there. Funny as it may have been, it wasn’t true. (Yet?)

“Steve, when was the last time you went on a date?”

“Jena, when was the last time you dated someone that wasn’t drama?”

And he shut up. Because the guy I’ve been seeing lately hasn’t had a spec of drama. In fact, the only possible bit of drama, is based on a rumor… that regardless if it was true at this point wouldn’t matter to me. Why? Because there’s no classification. There’s no pressure. It is what it is. Him and I just enjoy each other’s company and whatever happens, happens.

I enjoy dating. I have a blast. My problems are happy problems compared to some of my other single friends. I’m confident that I could go somewhere and meet someone if I actually wanted to. I’m comfortable in my own skin. But by the same accord I’m not rushing the gun for this fantastic happily ever after with a picket fence fantasy. I understand that’s what people go for. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t want it at some point. If it happens, then I’ll ride into the sunset and start that chapter. If not, then I’ll continue to ride into the sunset regardless. That’s what masterbation is for after all, right?

Conversation returned to normal. The line barely budged and we decided that however excited we were about the show, it was going to be there for 5 weeks, so headed to Musso and Grill.

Dan ended up showing up later. We said goodbye to the rest of the usual suspects, and went to Canters. Dan told us tales of Defcon. I was advised to watch my mouth given the establishment we were in.

“Jesus Fucking Christ…”

Dan laughed and we talked as normal. We discussed schedules. Plans tomorrow night? I’m not sure. But the crew will all be congregating at some point this weekend. I realized that as much as I like having a planned out schedule, at times I really prefer to leave it open. I dedicate days to people in advance, but unless its a few things, I rarely commit to anything too far in advance.

We talked about relationships.. and how the 3 of us singles needed to brainstorm as to where else we could meet new people. Eyes rolled cross the table when I said, yes I feel their pain.

Dan: “Uh huh.. when was the last time you got laid?”

“A week ago.” my roommate said without me having to answer.

I just shrugged.

“Shut up” they both said.

There’s some advantages to not having a classification. Sometimes, I love being poly. It’s that whole need to put a label thing that puts a wrench into things. Ahh.. the beauty of no restraints besides the literal ones I want.