Clueless

After writing a blog about patience,  I sit here today and await a couple of emails today.  As we all know, Gmail decided  to implode.  In its wake of refreshing, I elected to waste some time taking a Facebook quiz…

Of which, the following question comes up that I am clueless as to which one to answer:

How would you describe yourself?

  • Simple
  • Elegant
  • Rebellious
  • Crazy
  • Glamorous
  • Chill
  • Modern
  • Adventerous
  • Traditional

Why?  Because I admit, I’m a bit of all of the above.  I have my moments where I am just a touch crazy.  As an artist, its rare when there is such a thing as complete sanity.  For the most part I’d like to say though that I am very simple, occassionally glamorous, traditional but quite modern at the same time… etctera.

What I want is something like all of this…

“I want a blend of simple, fiery, easy going, passionate, madness, comfort and adventure… unattainable.”

I know exactly what I want and who I am… and yet here I am… clueless.

Labels.

I love thee and yet, you are ridiculous.

(Gmail please work soon.)

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Letting go: Material Immaterial

This weekend was phenomenal.  It was also quite frightening for a few hours.

I tend to over worry about things sometimes.  I’ve been working my fingers to the brim.  I’ve been toiling hours away at an idea… at many ideas… at pushing to making those things happening and preparing for some major presentations to debut them.

I am a perfectionist.  I want to do everything just right.  I am hesitant to announce something unless I have already invested considerable time and effort into it.

As some of you may know, I am midst work on a documentary project entiteled Muse for Hire. The name is shared by an umbrella of projects, including my previously unnamed copy writing services (inquire within) as well as a web series project I am working on that came about as the documentary started filming.

But that’s another story.

My camcorder has become an integral extension of me.  The amount of time and devotion I have to the projects and thus the attachment to one small Flip Mino that I purchased for the project, is quite… it’s one material possession I would be upset if it was lost.

This weekend that nearly happened.

So what do you do when something you have such an attachment to disappears?  You freak of course.  I was no different.

Friday night started off a bit rough.  I’d been working on some other projects and not gotten much sleep.  Little things got to me a bit more than usual.  This time it was some comments made out of context in reference to a certain Mr that I am…

“She made some good points though.  I’m a little afraid of how I’m potentially presenting myself here.  I mean, what if she’s right?”

“Calm down.  I’ve seen you two together.  I don’t know the guy but it’s likely nothing and you know it.  What are you referring to exactly though?  Explain.” Mo replied in attempt to get me to calm down a little.

“I’m sure its not but… well, what are you doing tonight?  Let’s go see a movie.  It’d give a better idea of what I mean.”

“I’m not sure I can.  I’m supposed to go out tonight later.”

“Please…”

“Get dressed and come by work.  We can figure out the details and catch an early show.”

I got dressed and headed out.  We talked outside his work for awhile before deciding to get some coffee at a local Starbucks.

Between the caffeine and conversation, I quickly calmed down.  I wasn’t super stressed about it before but sitting at home racking my brain only added to it’s nonsense- and potentially true statements.  Only time will tell.  Assumptions and worrying about it will only get me wrinkles anyway, and I’ll pass on the botox treatments thank you very much.

Conversation changed over to a friend of mine that I thought Mo might like.  I texted her to ask what she was up to.  She was at a bar near me.  I dropped Mo off and went to my place to change into more suitable attire.  He picked me up a little bit later.

“Thank you.  Have a good night.” I received as a reply to a text I’d sent hours prior to him.  Ah the wonders of two super busy people something something. It was something so tiny but it made me glow and calm down even more so.

We arrived at quarter after eleven.  It was her birthday and she was with a group of people.  We headed up to the upstairs portion of the bar.  There are couches along the wall and the perimeter.  We sat down at some with the party.  Such a wonderful group of great people… new friends and old.

The guys were too chicken to approach me.  I cared nothing about them.  I felt the heat of stares and caught people blushing and looking away.  I felt unbelievably confident that night.  I approached men and brought them to the group.  I made sure my best friend wasn’t bored.  We had a great time and I behaved.  It was quite…

At one point my purse was knocked off the couch accidentally.  I’d thought that I had everything when I picked it up, but we didn’t dive into the cushions nor reach very far back behind or under them.  ( You can probably see where this is going.)

The club closed down and we were ushered out.  We talked outside the club.  At this point I realize that something is a bit off.  I’m not sure where my camcorder is.  I dumped my purse out onto the sidewalk.  It wasn’t there.

I freaked.  I can’t afford a new camcorder right now.  But it was more than just that.  While there was quite a bit on there that I hadn’t been able to take off from Comic Con just yet, there was one clip that was pretty important to me.  You see, the thing about filming a documentary is that while you may have a ton of content as you are you are working on it, there are just some moments where you know when they happen that they will be in the finished product.  This was one of them.

I was upset when we left that night.  I knew that I had to be there in the morning to try and get it back.  I was hoping for good karmic retribution.  I knew that there was a chance it might not happen.

And then I thought about it more.

Even after I freaked and worried… I remembered a conversation that bid me to do some reflection I had a long time ago.

“There are some things that are meant to be legendary.”

While the moment I filmed recently will forever be permeated in my mind, regardless if it worked out or not (please let it work though), regardless if I had gotten the camcorder back or not, it didn’t change that simple fact: I’m thankful that it happened because it was legendary.

I accepted that if the camcorder did not return to me that it was simply not meant to be- the moment being in the documentary that is.

We, as a culture of Americans, build up this attachment to silly possessions so easily.  While they may be founded in passion or emotional connection, the possession itself is relatively worthless.  It’s just “great junk” essentially.

And while, yes I did get my camcorder back the next day, I feel amazing.  I know now that I can let go of everything and be alright.  Material stuff is fun to have.  It fuels my art.  But even if I don’t have it, it doesn’t change what I am at the end of the day in the simplest terms: an artist.

So here’s to letting go and letting life happen a bit more each day.  Material is immaterial.

I’m thankful I learned these lessons.  But I will also admit, that it does make me glow a bit knowing that that piece was supposed to be in this documentary project.  It is one moment captured in film in shadows and lights that’s…  well see for yourself, but you have to pay attention…

The list blogs: things I dislike about living in the metro

I live so far from home and wouldn’t trade where I live for a moment (well except perhaps for SF or SD but that’s different).  But then there’s a few things about here that really suck in comparrison to suburbia.

Hobos– They’re everywhere.  But in the metro they’re crazier, scarier, and ruder.  However, they seem to be a bit more honest to some degree.  Panhandlers in suburbia have to hide their booze/drug/ sexual operation desires, whereas here they’re at least upfront they’re not buying food with the money you give them.

Public Transit– it may suck most everywhere else (and this doesn’t include you SF) but in most major metro areas, the busses especially are rarely on time nor are they comfortable.  You get what you pay for is an understatement.

Parking– Oh god.  This could have subcatagories.  In fact, I think it should.

  1. Meters– fill it more than you think you’re going to be there.  If you’re late even one minute the maid will not give a crap.  Either hack the meter or always carry quarters.  Trust me.
  2. Parallel parking– You don’t seem to get enough practice with this in suburbia.  But people in the metro really don’t give a crap about making it easy for you either.  Be there early.
  3. Size issues (parking)- I love when cars just don’t pull up that maybe 2 ft ahead so someone can park in front or behind them.  Thank you resident asshat.
  4. Street sweeping– Multiple vehicles and streetside parking is a nightmare here.  It’s like an orchestra of when I have to move what.  Those tickets aren’t fun either.
  5. Valet ripoffs– They want $15-25 just to move your car 500 ft and park it.  What an awesome waste of money.  And sadly not everywhere with a bike lets you get out of Valet even if they can’t park it.  Which is a waste times 2.

Roads– the upkeep on the freeway and major roads is substandard.  In some ways this is really not a good city for scooters or bicycles.  Thanks for the encouragement for polluting less to the environment mr Govenator.

Less homestyle cooked food– Let’s face it.  There’s nothing that really compares to some of the homestyle cooked places back home.  Go back to the simplicity and enjoy your meal.. calorie by hundred calorie you have.

Less personable diners– There’s something about a diner back home in the middle of the country and the warmth of the people that makes even a mediocre diner that much better than most anything here in the metro.

No backyards– Growing up in IL I had a house with a backyard.  In the metro area it seems that area is something that only exists in dreams and for rich people.

Overly Expensive without reason entertainment– Sometimes merited.  Oftentimes not.  If it’s on Sunset, it’s likely not.  If its downtown San Diego and nearly $20 for a drink I can get for 5-7, it’s.. not.

Cleaner playgrounds– This is an urban jungle.  Despite the street cleaning the public playgrounds here just aren’t kept well.

Not enough quality doughnut shops–  How hard is it to screw up a doughnut?  Seriously.  This is ridiculous with the amount of sugar encrusted consumerism there is here that finding a good one is a treat.  (Please someone in LA prove me wrong.  The shop also should also include wifi and talkative regulars with fantastic stories)

High cost rent– This one you don’t always get what you pay for.  You could be paying through the roof for a location thats downtown next to Skid Row.  That said I’m extremely fortunate to have found the place I am at for the price I’m at (thank you roommie).

I think that’s enough for now.  I have another list coming up that kind of branches off of this one.  I guess now wouldn’t be a horrible time to go home after all.  But maybe for an actual vacation and not a potential “fun”eral.

The List Blogs: “When I Grow Up”

Ever go back and remember all those careers you wanted as you were a kid? How many people actually made them happen? How many didn’t pan out what you’d thought?

As high school reunions approach, and honor of Memorial Week, here’s a few of the jobs I aspired to achieve. Some of which, still haven’t been discarded as not going to happen.

Marine biologist. Oceanographer.
I have always loved the water. Growing up, I remember trips to the zoo and the aquarium. These things have always made me smile. One of the things I want to do in my lifetime is to swim with dolphins.

Mortician. Coroner. Makeup artist to the recently deceased.
Blame being raised on Tales from the Crypt, the Munsters, and the Adams Family. My father’s favorite holiday is Halloween. So is mine. (This is among the jobs I’m considering looking into getting trained for currently actually… a truly recession proof business.)

Video game designer. Concept artist. PR for a video game company.
My first memories are of video games. I want to be part of the team that makes memorable games that people talk about for years to come. These days I’m still full of ideas for potential games, but am without the ability to make them in the manner that I’d like. (Any game publishers that are looking for unique projects please contact me, I have a few ideas I’d love to pitch.)

Costume designer. Fashion designer. Stylist. Pattern maker. Buyer. Seamstress.
I used to deconstruct and reconstruct my own clothes. Time restraints and moves have taken a toll on my time to devote to my sewing. That, and the 1960s vintage sewing machine I had, my now ex husband trashed because he’s a moron and thought it was just junk.

Writer. Novelist. Screenwriter.
I am currently writing 2 children’s books, an autobiography series, and am branching out to screenplays. It’s definitely not an easy business. I want to do it right. God knows there’s enough crap on television as it is without adding to the garbage.

Reporter. Journalist. On camera personality. Radio personality.
I want to travel and be among the gainfully employed devotees of entertainment media: music, movies, video games, art, and relationships.

Comedian. Actor.
I grew up on the stage. It’s the original reason I moved to California. However when I got pregnant with my first son I let go of that dream. I oftentimes wonder what it would have been like had I pursued my acting career. I currently do not accept applications to date actors as the ones I have dated previously have been… well rather dramatic off the stage and not in a good way. (I’d love to be proven wrong. I know some awesome people that are actors, just… yeah.)

Singer.
I was in a couple of bands post and during high school (no not the marching band though and I never violated a flute). I rarely sing in public anymore. I’m not afraid to. It’s a bit odd that I really don’t. And while there has been discussion for me to sing in several alternative collaborations, none have since panned out. If you or anyone is looking for a singer for your project, please contact me. My vocal stylings are ranged.

Obituary writer. Funeral card bios.
I’ve always wondered how people got into this field of work. Summations of people’s lives and the people important to them… in a few short paragraphs.

Video editor. Graphic Designer. Crew for a theatre production. Set construction for a movie.
Old movies fascinate me. I want so much to learn how to craft an artful piece of cinematography. From the digital pieces to the hammer and nails building of sets.

Interior decorator. Set designer.
I love mixing patterns and working with the desires of a client to capture their personality and project in an aesthetically pleasing demeanor. From minimalist to traditional. Shapes, colors, swatches, and Feng Shui… divine.

High end fashion photographer. Architectural photographer. Surf/skateboard/snowboard/ bmx photographer.
Travel the world an take pictures of awesome, gorgeous things and people.

Forensics: photography and computers.
The study of decay. Of the mind and of the body.

Floral designer. Botanist.
Flowers and plants are something magical. Pretty difficult to screw up making that look nice. And people are rarely sad to get flowers… even if it’s a funeral.

Museum curator. Gallery owner. Curator at the Smithsonian.
Arts, ruins, artifacts. Holding the treasures of oddities and art. The stories untold by objects. The pieces that you marvel at and that resonate in your mind after.

And I think that’s enough.. for now.

The list blogs: Lessons learned on my first night ride out

It’s been awhile since I’ve graced the grid.  The beast is huge, ridiculous to park, and a gas guzzler.  It makes for yet another annoyance whenever I want to go anywhere in LA.  I am grateful for it, but it comes with consequences.

I’ve been doing some major cutting back on social networking events to hone in on responsibilities and ongoing tasks.  Fret not, there’s much in the pipeline… I have confidence that I’ll be fine.  I appreciate your patience in the interim.  Until then, anything that I go to will be extremely limited so that I can conserve financially and get back to the point where I can do even more than I did before.

With the newfound “joy” of being on the job market again there really needs to be.. well a sheet that I have in the works for you.  Stay tuned for that in a later edition.

I took 2 time outs for myself yesterday.  I met up with a gentleman for some food and conversation.  I must say that I had a good time.  It was nice to get out and laugh a bit without any pressure.

It’s been awhile since I’ve been out with the girls though.  Last night I was invited out to 2 things: a “passion” party a friend was having and have drinks with 2 lovely ladies that I haven’t seen in what seems like forever.  In order to avoid a cliche irony of “the day I get divorced I go to a Mary Kay sex toy party” I decided on the latter.   Sorry to the friend who got roped into hosting that party.  No pun intended.  (Ps, please send me the catalog and let me know what I missed)

I was eager to get there and catch up.  It was only in Century City- a whopping 4 miles from me.  But I get lost in a paper bag.  It’s another reason why I don’t care for using the truck if I can avoid it. (Sounds like another list blog in the works)

Here’s what I learned from my first night ride out on my new scooter:

  • Always write down the number, level, and color of where you are parked in the Century City shopping center (wow what a maze) because if you thought finding a car was difficult, a bike is that much worse.
  • My full faced helmet will not fit in the trunk of my scooter.  So the likelihood you will see me pull up in one to an event later is pretty small.
  • Hot tattooed guys notice biker girls.  Especially redhead small ones with two extremely attractive women walking with them, regardless if they have a big jacket on or what.
  • U turns are really not that bad
  • Cars are annoying and they’re impatient.  That said, I’m glad I’m on my bike because it lets me get away with having to be less patient and at the same time more aware of my surroundings which will make me a better driver in my car.
  • going through cars is pretty exhilarating.
  • In a worst case scenario, you really don’t need to bother paying at those gates on a bike.
  • I know exactly who I can call in a worst case scenario at 12am to ask for directions or questions with my bike.  (Thank you Baron for helping me get home last night.  Sorry I fell asleep on the phone after I got home, but you can understand why.)
  • The ride might be quieter, but is amazing for reflecting.  Anytime I get down about anything I “pray” it isn’t raining.  I know where I will be… on the road on my bike taking a time out.
  • Getting lost is more cost effective on a bike.  Apparently I get 60 mpg and it cost me a whopping $4.04 to fill up in Beverly Hills.  That’s… well wonderful.

Sometimes in life you just have to get the courage to do things.  It might be scary at first, but that’s what life is really about in the end.  A little bit of fear when tapped on correctly will enhance the experience and make you stronger.  I’m going to learn this city just yet… and thankfully it won’t cost me a ton to do it 🙂

The more you know

We are not allowed to discuss 3 things in my fathers house:

Religion

homosexuality

and politics.

Go figure I happen to frequently talk about all 3 on a regular basis.

My dad has strong convictions in his beliefs.  I am always open to a discussion regardless of preference.

I think that it’s not important, but is a healthy exercise to do so.  One must always challenge the mind.  Thinking outside of the box only happens when forced to do so.

Here is what I learned this weekend:

  • life isn’t about what you know, its about trying to find the right balance of patience, humility, confidence and pride to find the strength to say:

I know somethings but I don’t know everything.
I need help finding out what I don’t know so I can learn it.

Knowing isn’t half the battle, it is the battle.

You have to break the comfort of routine in order to discourage negative opportunities.

If you question saying it out loud and are not ready to bear the consequences of it being taken negatively, no matter if it’s positive or constructive, it’s probably best not to say anything at all.

You can never truly give up on anything.

If you can’t laugh at yourself, you’re probably doing it wrong.

True comfort  comes from within. The rest is just imaginary.

The List Blogs: The QA bugging playlist

Here’s what I listen to at work while toiling away writing bugs in the latest video games:

  1. Sea Wolf-You’re a Wolf
  2. Matt Hopper- City Walls
  3. Sparklehorse- Cow
  4. Goldfrapp- Little Bird
  5. Goldfrapp- A & E
  6. Deathcab for Cutie- Twin Sized Bed
  7. M.I.A- Paper Planes
  8. Margot & the Nuclear So & So’s- Talking in Code
  9. Tegan & Sarah- Like , Like H
  10. April March- Chick Habit
  11. Morrissey- Ask
  12. Bjork- It’s Oh so Quiet
  13. D’Arezzo- For Reya
  14. Emerson- Vegas Lights
  15. Morrissey- Girl Afraid
  16. The Smiths- How soon is Now
  17. I am the Lost Sea- Goodnight, goodnight
  18. Linkin Park- Leave Out all the Rest
  19. The Smiths- Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now
  20. Nouvelle Vague- Dancing with Myself
  21. Massive Attack- Teardrop
  22. The Decemberists- Los Angeles, I’m Yours
  23. The Decemberists- The Engine Driver
  24. Jay Ray- Storm of the Century
  25. Jay Ray- California Stars
  26. Jay Ray- Mary Lee
  27. The Decemberists- Oh Valencia
  28. Jay Ray- Set on Fire
  29. The Fray- How to Save a Life
  30. The Postal Service- Sleeping In
  31. The Postal Service- Nothing Better
  32. The Postal Service- Recycled Air
  33. The Postal Service- We Will become Sillhouettes
  34. The Smiths- There is a Light
  35. The Smiths- This Charming Man