Douchebag of the Week! Username: Rearview mirror schmview mirror

It seems that most of my douchebag of the week blogs have been about people being complete dumbasses on the road.  Yesterday’s run in (literally) was no exception.

I was making a run to my local post office on the bike to mail some postcards:  the Netherlands, China, & 2 within the US.  It’s very close to my house.  I was in a hurry to get there before it closed- as I waited until the last minute to go, so I hopped on the bike.

I was walking across the street after I’d finished my buisness to witness a woman in a minivan parked in front of me back into my scooter.

I screamed:

“You hit my bike!”

Now, for those of you that don’t know how big my bike is, here’s a shot of it parked in my garage.

It’s pretty big.  The lady had to walk past it to get into her minivan.  The fact that she didn’t take the 2 seconds to look in her rearview mirror to check behind her is just repugnant.  What if there had been a small child there?  Squish. Crunch. Splat.

Oops?

Therefore this week’s douchebag of the week goes to you miss oblivious to the outside world driver lady.

Notes: my bike is fine.  She tapped it with her bumper.  Perhaps me screaming at her across the street and another guy witnessing it so she didn’t just run away helped her not do more damage than she could have.  No one was injured at all in the making of this douchebag of the week blog…. except hopefully her “pride” in being an excellent driver.

Douchebag of the week! Username: Maniwannakillyou

Ah the wide open road.  How I ever survived without two wheels before I have no idea.  Hell, with the way it is in LA, how I’m going to survive on two wheels isn’t far off either.

Enter the first of many scooter related car agressive behaviors.

Dear people who drive cars,

I know you’re too busy not paying attention and being completely oblivious to the world around you in your lovely protected bubble, but for the love of pete people!  While yes, I understand that while you are driving is the *perfect* time to do a myriad of activities you couldn’t possibly be bothered to do while you’re, oh, not driving (ie: shaving your legs, picking your nose in public, doing your makeup, disciplining your kid, frying pancakes- yes, ive actually seen someone do this in their car… it was actually my uncle…. yes, seriously) , I really would not like to die.

I know you’re in a hurry.  Hell this is LA.  Everyone is in a hurry to get that place down the street from them, 20 minutes away.  That’s part of the reason I’m on my bike.  Because frankly it sucks sitting in the gridlock waiting to go 2 feet.  I know you’re jealous of that.  It’s ok, I’d be jealous too.  I’m pretty jealous of those big rar bikes I see out there as well.  It’s ok.  I will totally girl it out and rock my scooter.

Dear cars,

You are not going to get ahead of me when I’m at the front of the line.  Deal with it.  But douchebags, remember that to hold up that bike at the stop light, I have to put my feet down.  Please refrain from trying to run over them because you’re pissed off that I get to go before you.

As if that weren’t bad enough, the winner of this weeks Douchebag of the week goes to…. asshole who wanted to turn left that slammed on their brakes for no apparent reason when I was 2 ft away from their bumper.

There was no one in front of him.  There wasn’t a small infant or animal or block of ice or a truck full of Haagen Daas dropping deliciousness out the back to merit any sudden braking.  It was completely open with no traffic.  I was behind said douchebag and going normal speed, when suddenly… wham.  And it was almost wham for me… in their back windshield.

They say that most accidents occur within 2 miles of your home.  It is the area where your guard is down and you are most comfortable.  This was down the street from me.  Thankfully it wasn’t the day I was getting a smoothie over there, because otherwise, it would have been even douchey-ier, though I’m sure I’d smell delectable covered in smoothie juice.

I’d really really not like to die on my bike due to someone being a pussy and breaking out of nowhere.  Here’s to you mr Maniwannakillyou.  Perhaps you should pay attention to the people behind you and learn how to drive you jerkface.

Douchebag of the week! Username: Heathers

Ah how many of you remember that beloved movie of the 80’s?

Let’s take a journey back in time to remember the female douchebags of my more formative years from one of my favorite cult classics.  It will make sense later I promise.

Heathers, circa 1988

From right to to left, seen above, the characters Heather Duke, Heather McNamara, and the queen of the female douchebag power click, Heather Chandler accompanied by miss Veronica Sawyer.

In my teenage angst period and throughout my life, I seemed to most empathize with Wynonna Ryder’s character.  Here she was, riding along in the cool kids club, but she never really fit in.  There was something off about her, but not in a bad way.  It was noticeable enough to be noticed, but her entourage was her get out of jail free card.

For years I’d be haunted by these “Heathers.”  It became prevalent even more so when entering the entertainment industry.  It didn’t matter how nice you were to them, if you looked at some of them funny, wore your hair differently, showed up at a party with an attractive guy, got attention from the right person, they would snub you.  You are expendable and competition.   However, both parties can be successful in the Hollywood pool, but only if they moderate themselves.

In this movie, these douchebags made her life both hell and heaven.  The choice was hers.  So what better way to play the game than become one of the crew?  Once in the favor of the crowd, the potential to rise is endless.

Ah the politics of womanhood.  Take notice my dears and play nice, even if you don’t like eachother… because everyone wants the rank of a Heather but maintain the likeability of a Veronica.

*******

This week’s douchebag of the week goes to a very special girl from the East Coast also named Heather.  Like the characters in the movie, she’s a gorgeous girl with a commanding presence.  People know who she is, and she’s popular within her circle.  But she failed to moderate herself…

One of my best friends back home, Jace, finally got involved with a girl, Nat, that he’s been madly in love with for 10 years.  He was doing the long distance relationship thing.  She- on the east coast, He- from Chicago.   Their courtship had been something danced around quite literally for some time.  Needless to say when it finally happened, he was glowing magnanimously.

Jace and Nat love to dance.  He’s frequently flown out there for dance competions and video game functions.  They have been best friends for ages.  Their relationship was strong.  He’d met her family.  All steps in the direction of a potentially great payoff and long term romance.

It was also during this time that he’d also met Heather.  She was a conventionally beautiful girl who loved to dance as well.  However when he’d initially shown interest in her, she rejected him.

Time passed and he’s with Nat.  He’s on cloud nine about it.  This was when it would finally all make a turn for the worse.

What is it about women who suddenly want the guy when he becomes off the market?

I must admit, I’m guilty of this too.. but here comes the psychotic difference between her and the rest of “sane” women.

He was being a good guy to Nat. Heather decided to come out in the open that she had feelings for him and wanted him.  He respectfully declined and repeatedly stated he was in love with his girlfriend.  She refused to listen.

There was a dance competition coming up that he planned on attending.  Heather decided that this was the perfect time to schedule a trip out to Chicago…. so she could see him in person and tell him everything.  Jace was not clued in on this.

He went to his dance gig as normal and ran into her.  He was trying to maintain a friendship with her and be cordial.  She pressed.  She said she had things of his to give back to him- a sweatshirt that was back at her hotel room.

He tried to get out of it but she pressed more….

“Please come and get this, it will only be a minute.”

He ended up at her hotel room.  She begins looking for the items in question.  He waits patiently.

She straddles him in a chair and makes it clear that she doesn’t have panties on.  She pulls out elaborate letters about how she wants to be with him and proceeds to pledge her undying desire for him.

And then she kisses him.  He’s stuck in this spot and doesn’t know how to get out of it gracefully.

He excuses himself… tells her that he’s in love with his girlfriend.  He says he’s flattered but this is wrong.

Driving home he feels terrible.  He feels he’s to blame for her actions.

Is there something I could have done differently?  Was I not clear with what I said about my position on this?

And then the email…

Heather wrote Nat an email about how she and Jace are now together.  She twists the story around to make it sound as if she were completely innocent to the whole thing.  Nat is destraut and believes the girl.

As of right now my friend Jace is now single due to this meddling Heather.  Congrats on becoming this weeks long distance douchebag of the week hooker girl.  Perhaps there’s potential for you in Hollywood just yet… but only if you learn to play nice lest you be crushed by the real Heather/Veronicas.  At which point, tell me when and where and I’ll bring the popcorn and the gloves… wouldn’t want to get blood on my nails you know.

Douchebag of the week: usernames- Kings of “awesome”

This week’s douchebag award was actually sent in via a tip.  For some odd reason I didn’t encounter a douchebag of my own so this is a special entry.  Don’t worry, I’m not afraid of this turning into a regular basis.  There’s a high density of douchebags in the greater Los Angeles area to make fun of.  Lucky lucky me.  Lucky lucky you.

A friend of mine works in a very corporate office setting.  It’s to be understood that while he works for a company that’s very relaxed, it is also… well extremely corporate.  There’s a degree of conduct that should be said without being said.

Enter two well known but very well known and pretentious douchebags.  They’re celebrity types.  And they’re guests at his office.  But they’re not meeting with him today.  I’m not sure if they’re due to meet with him ever actually.

He’s talking to me in instant messenger while working and hears them.  Sure enough, they’re having a meeting right outside his door.  Loud and obnoxious circle jerking.  They are their own kings of awesome.

This has been going on for the past 30 minutes.  He’s had to file a complaint about their behavior.  A little common decency goes a long way.  Pardon me guys but my friend has to work or something.  Now back to ims.

Douchebag of the week: Username Wig lady

I was walking back from S & W with my friend Jimmy and a random stranger stopped me and interrupted my conversation.  This in itself is not that douche-y.  I will admit I’ve done this a few times, albeit rare.

But what she stopped me to ask me was a bit rude for someone that I’d never met in my life…

“Did you dye your hair?”

“Excuse me, I don’t even know you…”

While Jimmy thinks she may have just mistook me for someone else.. I have to say.. regardless of who or who doesn’t know about my hair dying habits, it was rude.  Downright douchebaggery in fact.

Needless to say I’ll be buying some punch and fixing that.

Congrats random dog walker lady on being this weeks douchebag of the week.

Douchebag Alert! Username: the foot connoisseur

“I don’t even care that you wrote it.  I understand how you feel.  But if you have a problem with me, tell me first.  Or tell me after.  But tell me.  Confront me.”

Enter one of the best men I’ve ever encountered.  Also, foot meet mouth yet again.

Every man I’ve become interseted in, and most every relationship I become involved with in general is met with a statement upfront:

My life is very public.  It is also very private.  Once you enter my world, user discretion is advised.

People say that they enjoy honesty.  But honestly, that’s bullshit.  Everyone has opinions.  Even the nicest person can come across as being an asshole.

This week’s douchebag of the week is a cheers to the times where things just get blown out of proportion, taken the wrong way, and we get a taste of our own petty douchebaggery.

So here’s to trying to be a bit more mindful of our actions, lest we all make the list.

[To be continued]

Douchebag Alert! Username: LA raindriver asshat

Dear Mr. LA raindriver asshat,

I was on my way to work EARLY for once the other day in the rain when you absolutely had to cut me off.  You realize that my truck could have ripped through your piece of shit little plastic beat up Honda if I just hit the gas when you attempted to cut me off right?

However, I decided to forgo being late for work with that drama, and let you go ahead anyway.

For those of you that don’t know, there are 2 lights when going onto the 405S from Venice Boulevard.  They are also the worst and slowest left turn lights that I have encountered thusfar in all of Los Angeles.

Thanks to said douchebag, I was 10 minutes late for work when I was supposed to have been early.  He was the last car to be able to get through the first light and the weasel somehow managed to catch enough luck to breeze through the second one.

I, however, was fortunate enough not only to catch both reds, but I didn’t get through the turn on the first green on the second light, so got to wait some more!

So congrats LA raindriver asshat guy.  You are officially awarded the douchebag of the week award.

But as a sidenote, this award could have essentially been anyone.  I don’t know a single person in LA that doesn’t drive like a douchebag… well, except for my roommate.  That said, if you’re ever looking to get into the blog, there’s plenty of opportunities to take the title.

—-

And now it’s time for beers with a hot boy, who’s not a douchebag… even if he runs a certain red light everyday.  He can get away with it.