best kept dirty little secret

Not surprisingly, yet another one I’m finding out. I’ve been home a few days, but it’s already happening again. I think I’ve surpassed my quota for the week. It’s an epidemic apparently.

I’ve been told that I have this look about me.. something in my eyes that says… there’s something a bit off about me… and it’s something that you really want to know more about.

I’ve found that when I wear no makeup, I get hit on considerably more. Perhaps its more noticable because I don’t do it that often. I have been compared on numerous occassions to having skin as fair as a china doll.

Today I made a commitment to a more organic persona.  Healthier foods lead to better breeding.  I don’t need all of that.. and I’m throwing some of the extra away.

I don’t have a problem when I date.  I really never have.  My only “complaint” is that I tend to get caught up in being the “dirty little secret.”  I seem to be a magnet for every unavailable man in.. well.. I’d be more of a metroblogger if I lived in the metro.

I go on secret rondevous.  Married men.  Couples.  Swingers.  Successful businessmen.  Closet fetishists.

I am a sexual confessional.

I say I want someone that’s not fucked up.. however… I want -pretty much the exact opposite in some regards.. because, well.. in order to deal with me, you’d likely have to be.* (see yesterdays blog)

This week with my roommate situation down in San Diego.. it turned haywire.  Yet another case of, awesome, I need to add gay to the requirements when I look for a roommate.  I thought the way I wrote the ad would be good enough to keep the freaks away.  Damn me for putting my twitter on the ad… heh.

me: by the time i got to sd, it was late in the day
me: i could only apply to a few jobs
me: i called my soon to be roommate
me: we ended up hanging out and smoking up
me: the roommate was a couple
me: his gf was on a cruise

me: he got stoned and stupid
me: and honest
me: the “i love my gf, but i love cunt” comment came out
me: me-“So you’re 20 something and afraid of that big C word.. but not the little c word. thats natural”
me: apparently im like talking to a dude, but i have a vagina and all that

me: “me and my girlfriend are wanting to experiment.. she wants to fulfill all my fantasies” /winks at me

me: me-“heh. you should let her! i think thats awesome.”
me: and it went on like that
me: (i wasnt going to blog about them, but since they ended up backing out of renting me the apartment, im going to.
me: =)
me: <–bitch
me: anyways
me: so we went to get some food
me: he asked me what i wanted and named some choices of places
me: he said italian and my mind was totally grub about some lasagna
me: however i walked into that one
me: “yeah, i could go for some italian..”
me: “hey aren’t you italian?”
me: hes a typical nerd.. but that was goober lineish

me: so we go in
me: and we’re talking.. and hes stoned off his mind but im pretty much competely coherant. bc its more fun to watch them be dumbasses, and i had fully intended on driving home later
me: he said
me: “well what is it that you want..”
me: me- “to come down here and get my bills paid, be in the city i love, and as free of complications as possible other than that..”
me: vague yes, as the question, he admitted was vague
me: me-“i dont want any problems for you & your gf. im seeing someone right now, and i date anyway. im just laid back and it takes a lot to really bother me”

me: awesome so here we are stuck in this awkward dinner
me: i somehow managed to get him to pay for it

me: i had intended to pay my share
me: however..
me: while i dont feel like people should be taken advantage when theyre vulnerable

me: and while his demeaner and what he was saying.. propositioning or not didnt honestly bother me, as it has happened.. deja vu.. perhaps.. a few times
me: i figured
me: the least i could get was dinner right?
me: again i say..
me: <–bitch
me: i told him that i needed to leave.. that i had to be at work later that night, etc. he offered me to “stay if i needed to”
me: i left and drove till i couldnt drive anymore

Scandalous as a moniker.. as much as I may or may not agree that it may be quite accurate in some… I want to be… all of that desire and enigma without people thinking they have to hide me from the ___ and the ___.  I want to be shown off..  I want to be dazzled.  I want everyone to see that.  And I want a man who will be man enough, and preferrably not fucked up enough to give me that much.  Because anything else.. should be unacceptable.

I’m worth more than this bullshit.  Man up boys.  The microscope o’standards to be with me just got even worse.

watch out craigslist…

I got a text message from my roommate yesterday that come August, her boyfriend will be moving in… she’s not going to renew the lease and I have a heads up that I need to find something else.
Yesterday, I had a bit of an anxiety attack. It’s one thing to think about and talk about wanting to find a new place.. it’s another entirely to have to start looking for one. 2 weeks in craigslist hell last time, made me think that preparing for the inevitable might be a good idea. So I posted the following ad there…

Title- Awesome people need only apply pls

Body- Are you awesome? Drama free? Female? Non drug addict? Fun.. or at least not a complete stick in the mud? Don’t have pets or at least clean up after them? Have a place open by August 1st?

I’m a 26 female with 2 jobs that wants to go home to San Diego. I’m currently in the LA area, and my lease is up as of August. I’m a workaholic and all around computer nerd.. well I aspire to be even more so. Despite that, I’m not a square, but I’m not a big partier. I’m rarely home it seems, and when I am, I clean up after myself and park it in my room or wherever my computer or video games are.

Optimally I’d like to find a centrally located place- near the trolly and bus lines (because honestly gas is too expensive right now) with a roommate who’s responsible and down to earth. I’m pretty quirky and odd, but not a complete freak. I pay my bills on time, keep common areas clean, understand common sense and have common courtesy. I even make sure I put the toilet seat down.

So what I want is simple: a female roommate (or female roommates) that cleans up after themselves.. no drugs… no drama… I wouldn’t think that what I’m asking for is much, but I’ve found that apparently it is. I’m not looking to make a new best friend or anything, however if we got along well enough it’d be a bonus.

So if you have something available, please let me know. I want to know more about you and the area that you live in and all that fun fun stuff. Here’s who I am:

Also I’m going to say this right now, because the last time I went looking for a roommate, people seemed to treat it like I was posting in a “different section” here..
I’m not looking for a bf/gf
No I will not trade sex for free rent
Chances are I don’t want to sleep with you or your gf (unless shes hot enough, then maybe I’ll take her)

And if you’re some perverted creepy psycho… only send me links to the good stuff… none of that fat girl spam or scat crap.. pun intended.

kk thnx bai

Ps- yes, this is a serious ad. I’ve just had problems before with spam/weirdos so I just wanted to cut through the bs a bit. Have a most splendid day.

and here’s the link to the actual ad. I figure that if I have to move anyway, I may as well start looking in an area I want to be in.. and most importantly.. the goal.. the New Years Resolution. The clock is ticking.. and I can’t wait to get home.

Wish me luck.. and please pass along any leads you have worth entertaining.  Thank you so much.

One more reason taxidermy seems more & more appealing

My apartment is a pet nightmare. There are currently 3 grown cats and 2 ferrets. This is a reduced number. When I first arrived, one of the cats here had kittens. At first, it wasn’t a bother. It was a nice change for me. I’d wanted to have pets but hadn’t been able to at my old apartment.

These animals though? They make me remember why I have a morbid fixation with taxidermy.

As a sidenote here, I do not condone the abuse of animals nor in hunting for sport. My interest in taxidermy is strictly for it’s artistic value. It is finding a new beauty and recreating through decay.

These are some of my problems with my roommates animals though.

I walked into my now nightmare of a bathroom again, to see a metal bowl that I use for baking (one of my most loved hobbies) as an animal water dish. Granted, it’s theoretically just a bowl. I could get another one and/or wash that one. I’m not a complete germophob. I just do not want to share that space with animals unless I’m eating said animal.

I wish this was the first time that this has happened. But there have been a few instances where I have seen dishes normally associated with people being used for the animals. (Thankfully it hasn’t been my Japanese china.. yet) I will find food dishes with animal food in the sink sometimes too. When I mention and ask about it politely, she reassures me that “the dishes I put animal food in are not the same ones we use to eat on.” Um.. no, actually not really.

I have a box of dishes I have put aside for Goodwill that she knows about. Yet, she chose that bowl to use as a water dish. Why?

One of the cats is a male and is now getting aggressive with the main female cat of the house. The female is kept in her room generally, while the male is kept separated from her.

My roommate is not home that often when I am. However I find that when I’m getting ready to head out, whatever cat is not in the bedroom will either vocalize and not stfu, and/or crave human attention to a degree of annoyance. I will literally move the cat so I can get ready and it will come back multiple times. I’m to the point where I just want the animals gone, but don’t have another roommate option, so I get forced to deal with it.

Patience wears thin. Then we go to her bathroom, which I’m forced to use if I want to shower because mine (of course) is where their litterbox and I only have a tub… to see just how disgusting it is, click here at your own risk. Yes, that’s all from her animals, which roam her room freely. She does not appear to give a… about it.

Last night I got into one of my cleaning frenzies again.  The apartment smells of them.  I can’t stand it.  The litter gets trailed everywhere.  I walk in my apartment and its the first scent. I feel like I’m in her way when I want to clean when she’s home.  I get stuck cleaning up her mess or stuck living in it.

She’s studying to be a vet. I’m not a neat freak, but she motivates me to be one. I want to save and get the hell out of here. And if one of those animals should peel over and croak, I’d be sad but not overly so.  It’d give me great pleasure to practice on one of them as my first taxidermy project. (No, I’m seriously not going to harm her animals by the way)

That said, our lease is up in August. I’m not sure if I would renew regardless if she asks me to or not. If you know of any sane people, preferrably without animals in the east side of LA or possibly even San Diego looking for a roommate, let me know.

The politics of roommates

Dabbler until recently… I never really had the love hate relationship non relationship that I seem to be having now. Coming home to seas of beer bottles on the counter and a cloud of smoke “Happy 420 mannnn!” Turning things off that were left on for unknown reasons. Getting more OCD than a person on meth, simply because you can’t stand living like a slob…

Except this time, this person does only not put out, but in reality, this is closer to marriage than I thought… no, scratch that- in my marriage I at least got to take his paycheck.

I kid. Ok, so maybe not completely… but hell, there weren’t many great things with married life.. that was definatly one of them.

However, though that horse is of a similiar color, it’s not what I’m getting at. Ah yes, I have joined the ranks of the roommate population.

Politics abound, we come full circle to yet another day in the ring. Or as I call it, the guilt trip tango.

I have never had a roommate before really. Once upon a time years ago when I lived back home in IL, I did have a minor touch and go roommate. It was a nightmare as well.

Here’s basically the summation with that one:

I was intending to move out, so I moved to this apartment with a girl from work. I brought some things over, and left them there a couple of weeks since I was moving in. Deanna decided that she wanted to try and charge me for half the rent when basically her sister never completely moved out of the room, so it was essentially shared. No, I’ll pass on that. When I came to there, the apartment was a mess. I cleaned everything until it shined (I did this with my current roommate as well, but we will get to that in a bit). She had a dog (I’m learning a pattern never to live with people with animals) who was not fixed and a suede couch… disgusting. In the middle of trying to be civil and just working it out, I got into a car accident and nearly broke both of my legs (funny story actually). The apt was on the 3rd floor, and my grandparents said they wanted me back home anyway because I lived too far away. I gave her the notice I was going to leave.. at which point, she took my things I had there- a laptop, a keyboard, some vintage clothes and furniture from the 50s, denied me access to them and sold or kept them. Coming to work and seeing her in my grandmothers vintage leopard peacoat pissed me off to no end. End roommate drama 1.

Then after that, I bounced around some more.. but never had the “pleasure” of a single or multiple roommates. About 5 years ago, another touch and go episode of roommate shannigans- my fiance and I moved in with a friend of mine before moving into a place of our own to start the picket fence life. He worked and insisted that I didn’t. She went to school and sat at home. It wasn’t bad at first.. but then again, it never is. Months later is when the real person comes around.

I wasn’t the housewife type. I’m an artist first and foremost. My grandmother is as well. Her house is a mess. However it’s amazing that when someone else is a slob in your enviornment, you suddenly become this superpower. Their mess is mess. Your mess is “organized clutter.” And it’s true… everytime my husband would move something in our apartments, I would freak. Because if it was in my space, even though it was messy, being put away, well.. that just didn’t do.

When I initially moved into the place I’m at now, I had simple yet difficult criteria to meet. I was looking for a female roommate with no drama and no drugs… in southern California. And preferrably, as I do not have the most conventional of lifestyles, they’d be a bit alternative, or at least understanding of an artist, appearing scatterbrained, not high maintenence but some maintence frequent dater. At first, everything appeared not only alright, but great. She cooked dinner, cleaned up after herself.. hell we even hung out and chatted all sex in the city like. That was short lived of course however.

Current affair: month 2. It was an important week for me last week, and my new roommate knew that. I asked if she could please make sure this place was perfection. I was to have 2 very important guests for the week. My kids- 2 and 3, were going to visit. I had not been able to see them for a year prior to this. (My ex is a douchebag) Granted, my roommate is in her 20s and our apt is not completely childproofed… but a little common sense really does go a long way.

Weeks go by. I gave her plenty of notice this was going to happen. She operated as normal- not seeming to give a shit about anything. I have been cleaning up after her since I’ve been here. It started off small.. the fridge, doing dishes here and there.. the trash being taken out.. but it never seemed to end. I washed dishes a few times and use the dishwasher basically for airdrying. She puts her dirty dishes over my clean ones; thereby making me have to wash them again as well as hers. I took meat out this week to thaw, so I could cook when the kids napped.. go to cook and she had thrown it away.

It’s a constant stream of annoyances and complete lack of understanding for another person. I’m not saying that I expect it to be clean all the time… but for chrissakes, you are an adult, clean up after yourself in a timely manner.. and by timely I don’t mean.. weeks.

When my ex came by I had been cleaning up after the roommate and scrubbing floors all night. I looked like Cinderhella. I’m sure it made him smile to an extent.. though I never did that when I was married to him… not motivational at all. In any event, the house sparkled, and though I was exhausted, I was ready for my visit.

There have been many quirks throughout the entire process of this roommate situation. I have my own personal ones, but since this is my blog, I get to describe hers in great detail, and leave mine to the vague abyss. Neener neener neener nana nana boo boo. Seriously though, to be fair, my quirks have nothing to do with being disrespectful to her in any way.

She has cats- whom she is allergic. My bathroom is off the hallway, and is a shared one. It is bigger, and therefore, the litterbox ends up in there. Fine. But of course, it’s not properly cleaned up… and since my bathroom only has a tub, I frequently use hers between that and the cat smell.

She has other animals in her bedroom though. She lets them out of their cages and.. well.. it’s not clean in there. It’s not my space, and it doesn’t bother me entirely… with exception to when I need to use the shower. These animals also need the apt to be a certain temperature… so the a/c is frequently on like an icebox. I turn on the heat to compensate.. you get the idea. I’ve been sick, and I honestly think her pets are a major contribution to it.

Wow this has sounded like a bitch post.. I haven’t told all of it, but let’s get closer to the point. The night before the visit, I texted her to ask her if she was going to do her dishes and she (a not religious person at all) sent me a response that she was going to an annointing of the sick…

great guilt trip line. true? untrue… doesn’t matter. Because if I don’t accept it, I’m an asshole. I don’t want drama at all. I just want people to take care of their own messes. She doesn’t pay me to be her maid, and quite frankly, I had to clean up after her more than my kids.

The last 2 days before they left, I admittedly slacked. I left a few dishes on the counter and the garbage could have been taken out. I had a personal fiasco I had to deal with, so I figured I would take care of it on Monday or Tuesday when things were back to normal.

I’m not anti-social, but for those people that I really don’t have much of an interest in knowing more, I go in hermit mode. I keep to myself and do my own thing. I don’t like to talk about much because when you open your mouth, it leaves it open to drama- and I wanted this new place to be as drama free as possible. I wasn’t expecting perfection, but I was expecting a bit more here… or well.. hoping that is.

Today she texts me that I need to do the dishes and take out the garbage. This is someone that never does these things… and immediately, snap your fingers because she does her dishes once… or so she acted like. (Her dirty dishes were in the diswasher-I still had to clean them because they were in my way of course).

I wanted her to leave during the day.. I’d felt sick earlier so I wanted the extra day to recover from the week and recoop, and to clean the house. Then lectures?

I wanted to tell her it was bs. I wanted to note the irony. Instead, I wrote drafts and bit my lip… yet again, the control war… I could pull the card and wait till she does it… try subtle hints. But like the broken glass she left on the counter for days when the kids were here, I will end up cleaning it up everytime…

because I don’t want the drama.

Aka: I am a sucker.

I have a conscious for sale. Anyone want it? For some reason, though I know she deserves it, I can’t seem to bring myself to be a bitch. How do I get her to do her own shit? This is out of line. I think I’ll make a seesmic… but likely I’ll just force myself to pass out and prepare for the next daily grind.. damn insomnia. Bah.