Too Many Tabs and Batches of Insomnia

It’s a little past midnight and I’m wide awake.  Most of the people I’d talk to at this hour are in bed already or about there.  It’s a work day tomorrow for some of them after all.

 

I tried to close the tabs on my browser several times today and got lost.  It happens frequently.  Sometimes too frequently.

I get lost in pages of inspiration.  It’s what breeds more inspiration.

But it has its drawbacks too.

 

My mind resembles my notebooks.  The words run together and twirl and dance.  Sometimes it’s just too fun to play in the rain.

 

Hours drop off like nothing.

Five o’clock becomes eight o’clock becomes midnight becomes…

 

I think I’ve seen as much sunrises as I have sunsets.

(…Well… when I am not sifting through tabs.)

There’s too much to do.  There’s too much information I need to absorb.

Too much.  

Too many.

I wish I could just get some sleep already.

Stupid broken overactive brain.

In Remembrance: The Morgue is alive with words

image by Dan Simmons, Dan Simmons.com

Oh my dears.. there is so so much to tell you.  I fear that I have neglected you so.  I’ve hoarded my words.  I’ve stashed my thoughts away in a safe hidden place.

I don’t want to do that anymore.

At least… not the way I have been for months.

This is a forewarning to those who are faint of heart…

Things are about to get… very very real again on here.  Real beyond love stories.  Real and sometimes mundane.

I just want to tell these stories before they disappear.

Because unfortunately, my genetics are telling me that it may very well be my destiny.

Two sets of grandparents are currently undergoing this painful process that doctors call “The long goodbye.”  My grandmother on my mother’s side is farther along.  She is becoming a shell of the person she once was.  She barely remembers my mother or my aunts and uncles.  And, while she and I were never really close, nor me with my mother, I know that this is hurting the family around her who are close to her.

My grandfather on my dad’s side is also going through stages of Alzheimer’s.  Ironically, he is one of those unforgettable people.  He is the guy that is constantly making friends everywhere.  Who is the reason I probably talk so much.  Who… is one of my absolute favorite people (outside of my children) in the entire world (the other being his wife).

My heart is breaking as I am seeing one of the most wonderful and inspirational people-  slowly but surely forgetting more and more of his life… of his memories… of the beauty that he helped to show the world… that he gave to me… that….

I don’t want the world to disappear without knowing my stories anymore.

Granted, I’m not going to tell you everything.  If you want that, pick a lifecaster.  There are some things beautiful about sharing every single detail about ones life, and there are things beautiful in not.  I’m choosing a land of in between.  And that’s… ok.

It is my hope that you find something in these posts to bring you back again and again.  Perhaps it’s because of something inspiring.  Perhaps it’s just something silly.  Perhaps it’s comfort in mundane (oh how I wish some days to be more mundane).  But, if nothing else, I want these stories out there.  For the one day I can’t remember them.  For the chance that someone will. Because words are the way a person never truly dies.

—-

But until then, here are a bunch of silly pictures of tombstones.  Because there are enough posts coming up that you can be sad about and well, some of these images hopefully will help make you smile.  Note: none of these images are mine so please don’t sue me folks.

Hard anniversaries- Mother’s Day

Something very very dreadful happened on Mother’s Day 2006. Today is not a happy day. Today, rather, is a bit of a time out. Of more time reflecting and thinking…
Not to run from the past, but forging forward through the battleground with a harder heart and thicker skin. Tomorrow the sun will shine and I will still be a mother. Who needs a day to dictate this being a hard journey?
Oh you have no idea. No idea.

My weekend 2.23.9

Had a great non regrettable, but regretable weekend.

Scratch that.

No regrets.

I don’t regret any of it.

I’m forever thankful of the people that I have come across.

The only thing that I’m disappointed about…

was not the part where I vomited in front of you last night.

But not having enough room on my camcorder to fully document the most amazing time that we had.

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

for all that you’ve done for me.

Wonderful people.  Wonderful friends.

Lots of video to pull off my camcorder later.

Highlights of this weekend (to be written about later):

• Coraline in 3d with my son (it was the last weekend to see it that way)
• San Diego Tweetup with Mo in tow
• Getting my “other” best friend on camera saying that he’s” not that smart” (btw that made the trip worth it just there. 4 seconds of taping
• More encouragement to play my violin
• finding a new watering hole in a nook somewhere in WeHo
• meeting a new wonderful person (so wonderful they put up with my vomitface last night/this morning)

and, more to come later

But wow what a great weekend!

I’ve decided:

• I need to make a point to get home more often
• I really shouldn’t drink more than one drink on a 2nd “date”
• I really should throw a fundraiser for my documentary project

I was reassurred that:

• My son is the most important thing in the world
• I have some amazing people in my life
• I am capable of amazing things if I only just DO them
• I put the crass in procrastinator & I really should hurry up & get the hell out of here and get to work even though my truck smells like vomit.
• kk thnx bai

breathing room

Last night I should have been at the W.  Or I’d heard it was the W.  I’d heard it was the Edison.  I saw the tweets a couple hours after I’d gotten back from the bar.  I’d gone to watch some good ole baseball at our regular spot in Culver with one of my guy friends.  It had been a good night.

I was called about the project starting Monday.  Finally.

Maybe if I had gone to the W it would have been a little less dramatic than it ended up being.

Maybe I’m due a trip to the ocean again.  Maybe I’m just premenstral.

I had an argument about intimacy with the grip.  He hadn’t seen my recent post and had no sleep due to short gaps in between work shifts.  He worked 19 hours yesterday.  I’d been stressed about things earlier.  About him not sleeping here the other night.

I know that without the work it’s driven me a bit batty.  I feel the weight of things much more.  And him not being here while hinting at wanting to go serious.. I snapped.  I was a pill to deal with.  I was honest and brutal.

I was responding to emails when I saw my friend R online.  We started talking a bit.

Jennifer

blah petty emotions

10:52pm R

hardly… you’re ripe, very ripe.

the question is, are you willing to let go to get what you want.

10:54pm R

cause if you are, then I can show you a few things.

It’s not often enough that I do a complete disconnect, but that conversation last night inspired me to remember to do it more.  He asked me to shut down my computer and free myself of all distractions.  I did, and I’m really thankful for it.

Sometimes you have to take the time out of your day, close your eyes and breathe.  You have to remember that you don’t need anything.  All you need, you already have.

The grip came over early this morning.  He was exhausted.  All we did was sleep.  I disconnected again.  I just existed.  Miraculously, everything was alright.  It really is going to be alright.  I’m confident in that.  I’m confident in me.  I’m confident in him.  I’m confident in where I’m headed.  It’s going to be a long road but the best things come with a fight.

Flakey mcflake flake

Well shit.  I overbooked.  Two parties in one night?  Complications…

The grip told me it was alright for me to see other people still.  I’ve gone on a few dates and made plans for more.  None of them really did anything for me.  I have a good time with them, but I couldn’t forsee going out all the time.

And then I met this boy.

A boy with a playlist.. ah how I’m a sucker for a man with a good playlist.  Music is important to me.  I constantly have to have it on or I feel something is amiss.  I am learning how to function more in silence now.  It’s an adjustment.  Silence can truly be deafening.

Flashback: I went on this really horrible date once.  One of the problems with online dating is that someone can seem somewhat sane, but when you get them in the real world, sometimes their brain ceases to function.

That evening was filled with the most horrific jokes and sexual advances that were met with raised eyebrows and rolled eyes.  I was ready to go home.  On the drive back, it was completely quiet.  I asked him if he had anything we could listen to, rather than just flip through the radio stations.  He names off cds.  Metal. Metal. Country. Crap. Crap. No No No.  I thought the drive was never going to end.  Then he said… Depeche Mode.  That night, it was literally my own Personal Jesus.

So back to present day.. another online encounter.  He’s new to the area; moved from the bay area at the same time I moved here.  He has family that lives in San Diego, so visits quite a bit.  He’s spontaneous and intelligent. Free spirited and passionate about music.  We click on many levels.

Last weekend messages were sent and time burned away.  A friend of mine invited me out to an art show and this boy ended up meeting me there.  From there we headed to a “found video” film festival sponsored by the Onion.   I swear, the more alcohol consumed, the funnier it got.  I mean, how else could you find Angela Landsbury nearly naked anywhere near acceptable?

We decided that another date would happen- which is going to be today.  I asked him about his weekend plans and if he had any other dates going on.  He told me that he did actually did have something Sunday, but would like to see me.

I’ve been looking forward to it.  I am not sure why I would be jealous at all.  I mean, I openly date multiple people, so why should I really care?   Because I like the damn cake that’s why.

In our talking, we also discovered that we had a mutual friend.  That friend wants us to date more… to even the point of exclusivity.

Now this brings into a whole other conundrum.  I have not brought anyone I’m seeing to any events or done introductions with friends.  I enjoy my time apart from my lovers.  I’m able to focus more.  I feel I get more things done.

There was a party yesterday for this friend.  We were both invited to go.  We were both intending to go before we even knew about eachother.

I’d made plans to go to this gaming party my friend was hosting a week or so ago- not catching immediately I had already made these plans to see this other friend that I’ve known longer.  I invited the grip to the first party.  I had intended on introducing him to my main group of friends.  It was something that had been talked about for a few weeks now.

Yesterday I flaked out of the second party.  I feel bad letting the friend down but by the time I got to the first party with the grip, it was late.  The line inside was horrendous.  When we finally got through the crowds and upstairs to stand in yet another long line it was already 11.  I didn’t want to be rude and get to the other friends party, nor did I want any problems with potentially going on two dates on the same night right next to eachother.

The friends parties were both a success.  I wish that I could have carbon copied me and attended both of them.

Today is another day of E for All.. another one I have been so busy that I will not be able to attend.  I’m getting dressed and deciding what to do for tonight’s adventure.  This week is busy as well.. possible trips out of town, and the waiting game continues.  One week and I’ll be a 9-5’er.  Imagine that.

yadda yadda yadda

Things that annoy me about certain games:

• Not being able to jump when walking.  Yes, I have ADD and need something to occupy my time as I walk around into battles.  Otherwise it’s not cost effective of my time (need mountain dew) and will get bored easier.

• Tutorials:

subset

1. You jacknife me into the first battles of a game without having a clue how to use the combat system.  Granted, I play quite a lot of RPGs, but if I didn’t, I may be even more annoyed by this.
2. If you give me a game over without a tutorial, you are aggravating me that much more.  What a ridiculous intro.  It’s like saying “Hey welcome to the game-I’m not going to give you a heads up on anything, so you can now feel free to die repeatedly while you attempt to figure it out.  Isn’t that fun?”  Um.. no it’s not.
3. Babying too much in a tutorial.  Alright, so some combat systems really don’t need that intense of a tutorial if at all.  But if you baby me too much, I’m just as likely to get bored easily. See point 1

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to more important things.. like making my own erm.. looking at porn again.

i think my neighbor may be on meth

About, oh 2 weeks or so before I moved out here I went to Hollywood with my friend Vieve and her boyfriend. She wanted to steal me a few hours so I could meet a friend of hers- a fellow writer type. Needless to say, him and I hit it off.

(What’s with me and writers? Is that narcissistic?)

I’d told him I was planning on moving to San Diego. But when that changed and I ended up a few miles away, we made plans to eventually go out.

Last night, it finally happened.

No, not “it- it” but we had a good time.

He was late. Happy hour with his boss.

“Please don’t kill me.”

I’d eaten a little while prior to him coming out. I’m hypoglycemic and had a bad bout of it earlier. Food and nicotine… he was safe.

He apologized emphatically when he arrived. Decided to grab some sushi. At which point we had some of the worst service we’d ever had. The busboy got us a table. We waited and waited for our server. When she eventually came, she took forever getting us things. Then, when the food came- we were given some other table’s. I’ve eaten a lot of sushi on dates before. But, fuck if that was the most sushi I’ve seen for 2 people that wasn’t nigri rolls.

There’s a bar not far from me called Saints and Sinners. My roommate had recommended it. It’s a bit rockabilly and hipster. Yes, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I’ll have to bring the dark horse there someday.

We chatted about friends, work, fashion, and sang along. Bohemian Rhapsody light show anyone? A couple of white Russians and some vodka tonic later, my bladder decided that I needed to go home. I have this thing about restrooms in bars.. and it was close enough to my place anyway.

I jetted inside and then came back to sit in the car a bit more. The lights outside my apartment are annoyingly bright. We were parked in front of the garage talking and making out.

One of my neighbors came outside about 2am or so. She went into her car, then popped the hood and started messing around. What the fuck she was doing I have no idea. But who the hell fixes their car that late at night on a weekday? She didn’t drive out to go anywhere. Just fixed whatever she was going to and walked back upstairs.

My date and I just laughed. I saw someone on the third floor now watching. I didn’t care. It was a hell of a lot less weird than what we’d just seen.

Summation: That ranks up there in my odd makeout stories now. I guess it makes sense for LA though… I wonder if the next one will be like that.

Readers: What’s your oddest makeout story? I want to know.

Evolving to the meta response

These days, if you don’t send it via text format, I most likely don’t know about it.  Sure I do online research on things that fascinate me.. and watch television and go outside.  But if you really want me to notice what you’re doing- send it meta, and you will get a faster response.

The most recent blog was a response to another blog.. not listed for my own reasons, and, once again to provide some anonomity.

I got a message on my myspace referencing a comment that was made to this blog.  I wanted to respond via email- however will be doing so in yet another blog.

I’m noticing that is actually very common.  Are we that busy that we don’t pick up the phone anymore?  That digital transmissions have nearly replaced other forms of direct communication?

Have a fight? Resolve it in instant messages.  Email back and forth.

Want to get out your frustrations?  Start a forum war.  Cause drama online.  Why even bother leaving the privacy of your own home?  Do it the safer, quicker way.

How many of you would go nuts without your cell phones? The ability to get online?  The ability to digitally transcribe “I was here” in the sand?

Some days I think most of us just need to walk away and unplug for a bit.  Here’s to dedicating a few more hours a day towards weaning off the crack.  I’m going on a Jenny Craig of the meta proportion.  If you need me, you know where to find me…  yes, that means this weekend I plan on being at the beach again.  Home. Zen.

Assplay

It’s all about ass today.  Yes, ass ass ass ass.. and no, not guys I date for once.

Last night before going to work the only pair of pants I could find were a green pair of skinny jeans.  I haven’t worn them in forever.  I’m not sure why exactly, I just haven’t.

Everytime I see a person in skinny jeans, I always associate having no ass.  These things fell off me when I wore em last.  They still fall off of me but not completely about to fall off anymore.  No, now I think I’m probably the only person with an ass that owns skinny jeans.

I hated my ass a year ago.  It’s always been there, but relatively also not existant in the ways of “Well boom! That’s an ass.”

In my mid morning/evening haze, I don’t recollect having any non nude photos of my ass pre now on my computer.  I could be wrong.  However, sorry, you won’t be able to compare it this time.

Now jeans riding low usually means a fishtail.  But then, there’s me.  And my logic is.. there’s only 3 times where underwear is an absolute must.  First dates, That time of the month, and business/family functions

Yes, I said it.  And you’re likely laughing because you know it’s completely logical.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go masterbate before I nap.  I have to work again in a few hours then have plans to go out and prance later. Buh bi!