And now a tale of a “preacher’s” daughter

Ah Easter Sunday… or in atheist and pop culture, Zombie Jesus Day.  So whichever way you prefer, happy ___ to you.

This weekend has been a bit of a rollercoaster.  I come from a very conservative Roman Catholic background.  My family is very devout with their faith.  They uphold traditions of ritual and wholesome values.  I have the utmost respect for their commitment to the cross, but… well I know that I’m far from it.

I am the sterotypical cliche of a Catholic school girl gone wrong.  I drink, I smoke, I delight in things that are both volatile and scandalous.  I’m an atheist, outspoken, liberal girl who loves rock and roll, fast cars, motorcycles, piercings, tattoos and deviants.  I revel in the throws of passion.

My idea of kneeling down to worship is on my knees in front of that certain someone (or someones).  I am devoted to my work and play- but, well it just isn’t what my family would agree with.    Oh how far the apple falls from the tree.

What daddy doesn't know... won't hurt him.

My parents are separated (ie: happier and divorced) and are both entering their second marriages.  Mom still lives back home in Chicago suburbia with her husband that looks like John Denver.  My dad, finally on the path to marrying the one girlfriend he’s had over the years that I get along with best… most of the time.

She’s not Catholic however.  My father is very strict about this.  Ah conversion… this is how I know for sure it’s a cult.  He will not marry her until she completes the process of being one so that they can get married in a church ceremony.  This weekend she was confirmed and got a few other sacraments.  I was invited to go but unfortunately (fortunately) had work to do so I had to postpone until later today.

Ironically as it were, this season I found myself writing copy for a site for singles of all forms… sites to help you meet the millionaire of your dreams, to one night stands to… someone who shares the same faith.   I found myself searching for answers.  Anything to help assist me to write about something I had no connection to.  I found this gem of a website (NSFW):

Pegging is not a sin if you do it with your significant other

For someone as far from those tracks as I am,  despite the ease of my current project, I found the latter the most difficult piece to write.  Also, since I am currently without a laptop, I can’t exactly just go to my dad’s and ask him to borrow the family PC to write smut copy.  Regardless if I tell him that it’s work (which it genuinely is thankfully), he will tell me its crap.  He doesn’t even need to know what it is to say that either- just that it requires me to be on the internet, and therefore it is evil.

I elected to stay in for a majority of my weekend to work on it, as my soft deadline is Monday morning.  I will be committing a majority of today to family activities far away from this horrible place we call “teh interwebz.”  Friday night was quiet.  I saw the oo shiny of parties and event goings on, but wanted to get some work done.  I took company with a longtime friend from Bakersfield across a screen.

“I sucked as a Christian that’s why i chose Atheism.” I told Tino.

This of course, led to even more ridiculous chats as the first initial reactions as to what to write didn’t exactly make it to print (there at least).

Here’s a few lines from the more… interesting form of copy, in prayer format:

Whenever I go to pray, I ask for a companion.

Oh dearest God… all I want more than anything is…

for someone to fuck me up the ass proper.

I mean!

Dearest Lord please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to…

know just which guy is not going to need an instruction book to pleasure me in all the ways the devil would…

No!  I mean!

I just want a close friend that I can tell anything…

like don’t be afraid to be man enough to pull my hair and yank on…

And if I could get a really great… ” girl blowjob” that would be awesome too.

I ask this through Jesus Zombie.

Amen.

Ah prayer.. it seems I cannot escape it, even when I’m writing ad copy.  It’s… amazing.  Religion seeps into most everything weather we like it or not.  If you don’t have a sense of humor about it, you will always be set up for heartache.

Yesterday was my “kick butt” class.  It’s my monthly self defense class.  The instructor gives encouraging talks throughout the seminar about real life applications to better enhance what you take out of the class.  It’s one commitment that I have been doing for a few months now.

This month’s class was about pushing your limitations.  We learned just how much you need to push yourself to get what you want.  Hard work and determination will pay off… but only with a commitment to practice and focus.  That said I can now both mentally and physically take your ass down if you mess with me.  Beware LA dating scene or I’m going to fuck you up.

At the end of the class, the instructor wanted us to pay our respects with a very old bow and prayer.  It was not a religious affair, and yet, it seemed as if it were.  The act didn’t bother me though.  I have the utmost respect for the ritualistic nature of religion, even if I don’t practice it.  As long as it’s not shoved down my throat, I can observe in moderation.  Despite being a really bad Catholic by practice (or lack thereof) for my father’s sake, in the right circumstances, I can shine with my knowledge about the faith when sequestered.

So there you have it.   Another lesson from yesterday’s class… you can’t escape your past.  Sometimes you have to embrace it and deal with it head on.  I have a few more pieces to finish and then I’ll be making my way to suburbia to visit the family and have Jesus cake.  Maybe I’ll even wear a dress.  Because well later tonight, there may be a dirty boy in my future.   Papa won’t know any better than to preach.

Douchebag of the week! Username: Heathers

Ah how many of you remember that beloved movie of the 80’s?

Let’s take a journey back in time to remember the female douchebags of my more formative years from one of my favorite cult classics.  It will make sense later I promise.

Heathers, circa 1988

From right to to left, seen above, the characters Heather Duke, Heather McNamara, and the queen of the female douchebag power click, Heather Chandler accompanied by miss Veronica Sawyer.

In my teenage angst period and throughout my life, I seemed to most empathize with Wynonna Ryder’s character.  Here she was, riding along in the cool kids club, but she never really fit in.  There was something off about her, but not in a bad way.  It was noticeable enough to be noticed, but her entourage was her get out of jail free card.

For years I’d be haunted by these “Heathers.”  It became prevalent even more so when entering the entertainment industry.  It didn’t matter how nice you were to them, if you looked at some of them funny, wore your hair differently, showed up at a party with an attractive guy, got attention from the right person, they would snub you.  You are expendable and competition.   However, both parties can be successful in the Hollywood pool, but only if they moderate themselves.

In this movie, these douchebags made her life both hell and heaven.  The choice was hers.  So what better way to play the game than become one of the crew?  Once in the favor of the crowd, the potential to rise is endless.

Ah the politics of womanhood.  Take notice my dears and play nice, even if you don’t like eachother… because everyone wants the rank of a Heather but maintain the likeability of a Veronica.

*******

This week’s douchebag of the week goes to a very special girl from the East Coast also named Heather.  Like the characters in the movie, she’s a gorgeous girl with a commanding presence.  People know who she is, and she’s popular within her circle.  But she failed to moderate herself…

One of my best friends back home, Jace, finally got involved with a girl, Nat, that he’s been madly in love with for 10 years.  He was doing the long distance relationship thing.  She- on the east coast, He- from Chicago.   Their courtship had been something danced around quite literally for some time.  Needless to say when it finally happened, he was glowing magnanimously.

Jace and Nat love to dance.  He’s frequently flown out there for dance competions and video game functions.  They have been best friends for ages.  Their relationship was strong.  He’d met her family.  All steps in the direction of a potentially great payoff and long term romance.

It was also during this time that he’d also met Heather.  She was a conventionally beautiful girl who loved to dance as well.  However when he’d initially shown interest in her, she rejected him.

Time passed and he’s with Nat.  He’s on cloud nine about it.  This was when it would finally all make a turn for the worse.

What is it about women who suddenly want the guy when he becomes off the market?

I must admit, I’m guilty of this too.. but here comes the psychotic difference between her and the rest of “sane” women.

He was being a good guy to Nat. Heather decided to come out in the open that she had feelings for him and wanted him.  He respectfully declined and repeatedly stated he was in love with his girlfriend.  She refused to listen.

There was a dance competition coming up that he planned on attending.  Heather decided that this was the perfect time to schedule a trip out to Chicago…. so she could see him in person and tell him everything.  Jace was not clued in on this.

He went to his dance gig as normal and ran into her.  He was trying to maintain a friendship with her and be cordial.  She pressed.  She said she had things of his to give back to him- a sweatshirt that was back at her hotel room.

He tried to get out of it but she pressed more….

“Please come and get this, it will only be a minute.”

He ended up at her hotel room.  She begins looking for the items in question.  He waits patiently.

She straddles him in a chair and makes it clear that she doesn’t have panties on.  She pulls out elaborate letters about how she wants to be with him and proceeds to pledge her undying desire for him.

And then she kisses him.  He’s stuck in this spot and doesn’t know how to get out of it gracefully.

He excuses himself… tells her that he’s in love with his girlfriend.  He says he’s flattered but this is wrong.

Driving home he feels terrible.  He feels he’s to blame for her actions.

Is there something I could have done differently?  Was I not clear with what I said about my position on this?

And then the email…

Heather wrote Nat an email about how she and Jace are now together.  She twists the story around to make it sound as if she were completely innocent to the whole thing.  Nat is destraut and believes the girl.

As of right now my friend Jace is now single due to this meddling Heather.  Congrats on becoming this weeks long distance douchebag of the week hooker girl.  Perhaps there’s potential for you in Hollywood just yet… but only if you learn to play nice lest you be crushed by the real Heather/Veronicas.  At which point, tell me when and where and I’ll bring the popcorn and the gloves… wouldn’t want to get blood on my nails you know.

Ooops/ Wrong wrong right, episode 2

My alarm clock went off at 8am and when I went to hit the snooze, I got an im from a friend I hadn’t talked to in awhile. I’m off, so I thought.. I guess I can call him and then nap later. Whenever I talk to that friend, its never a short phone call.

I asked about how his relationship was. How work was.. all those generic normal intro questions that you have to ask when you don’t live in the same area as one of your friends.
He’s always been attracted to me. There’s always been that little area of space… the talks that just go a little bit further than they should.. because there’s a bit of sparkle somewhere… you know what I mean?

He told me that sexually he is having some issues with his current…

“basically i need someone who likes sex.. like you.”

Now, I’m a bit of a deviant. This wasn’t the first time I’ve had this talk. It won’t be the last I’m sure.. but what was said next, bothered me a bit. I didn’t know how to tell him. I know that it wasn’t meant in a bad way in his view… but um..

A nasty bitch thats not going to give a fuck..

I tiptoed around it. It wasn’t what he said completly as that it was something most people would say to a hooker.. not someone you ever truly respected. Bitch I can happily take. Nasty.. sure.. but together it makes for one abhorable statement.

The conversation progressed more…

“No is the dirtiest word that you’ll ever hear.. when it comes to sex, I don’t think you should say no.. thats the reason so many guys cheat. They cheat because there’s always going to be some girl that won’t tell them no… that will let them get away with more and more than the last.”

“Guys stay with the girl they’re with because they love them, and love their company. They stay because of the talks and conversation. Not necessarily the sex… for that, they want those other girls.”

While at the same time I can agree with him, on the other… well it’s not a pretty reality that we live in. Perhaps it’s the company I keep. Now this particular person, I know fully respects me. But the way he talks you wouldn’t know it if you didn’t know how we are together. I know that sounds like something every vagina would say when someone talks to them like that, but well… I’m not one of those weak women that tolerates crap like that.

Ladies, you’re kidding yourself if you don’t think that guys want that dirty subserviant fantasy. They want those housewife betty crocker types. But they want the slut too. Where does one find the balance? The truth is, that its an art in itself.

I believe that when it’s all said and done, there’s a fine line between what people say they will do, versus what they will actually do. I like to call it the invisible standard.

Someday perhaps I’ll meet the man who allows me to push and pull that line. I have once. The sex just gets progessively better. There’s this greater level of communication. It’s a difficult thing for people to grasp and takes some getting used to.

There are things that you want everyone to see, but there are others that you’re supposed to keep under wraps. All guys want that “leave it to beaver girl” 1957 cliche. They want the girl that you could bring home to mom… but they also want that slut at the end of the night.

So many people look so shocked when they first meet me having heard what I’ve written. I’m a tiny, sweet looking girl. You wouldn’t think at first glance that I’m actually half of what I am.

(2:55:21 PM) supernerdlady: well.. from dinner.. dont you remember my manners?
(2:55:29 PM) supernerdlady: i know it was forever ago
(2:55:41 PM) someone possibly: You were very mousy and very polite.
(2:55:43 PM) someone possibly: I remember
(2:55:48 PM) supernerdlady: mousy?
(2:56:01 PM) supernerdlady: lol idk if thats a compliment or what it was
(2:56:03 PM) someone possibly: Yeah, you seemed a bit shy
(2:56:06 PM) supernerdlady: i looked like crap that night
(2:56:11 PM) someone possibly: It’s more descriptive than anything
(2:56:31 PM) supernerdlady: i didnt know where we were going to be and didnt feel properly dressed
(2:56:37 PM) someone possibly: You looked fine.
(2:57:04 PM) someone possibly: It was a weird dinner, none the less.
(2:59:02 PM) someone possibly: I certainly didn’t expect you to be the person I know now
(2:59:13 PM) supernerdlady: really?
(2:59:18 PM) someone possibly: Yes, really.
(2:59:22 PM) someone possibly: You were very reserved.
(2:59:25 PM) supernerdlady: that doesnt sound good =/
(2:59:32 PM) someone possibly: It’s fine, it’s not a bad thing.
(2:59:47 PM) someone possibly: I’m just saying, I only knew you professionally back then.
(2:59:58 PM) supernerdlady: well im on good behavior in a professional sense
(3:00:04 PM) someone possibly: It’s not like I could have talked to you about sex after dinner, back then.
(3:00:49 PM) someone possibly: I know, I remember. I would have never made allusions to sex with you then 🙂
(3:01:12 PM) supernerdlady: neither would i tbh
(3:01:18 PM) someone possibly: I know.
(3:01:26 PM) supernerdlady: seriously [censored event name 2 years ago]?
(3:01:32 PM) supernerdlady: i looked like SHIT
(3:01:43 PM) someone possibly: You looked attractive.
(3:01:53 PM) supernerdlady: lets be frank here
(3:02:38 PM) someone possibly: And I have a decent sense of sexy… I don’t want just ANYTHING
(3:02:49 PM) someone possibly: But there was a moment I was wondering what you would have been like in bed.
(3:02:53 PM) someone possibly: Brief, but there.
(3:03:06 PM) supernerdlady: what triggered that moment?
(3:03:11 PM) supernerdlady: out of curiousity
(3:03:29 PM) someone possibly: You had a very sexy look a couple points through the dinner
(3:03:31 PM) someone possibly: hahaha
(3:03:36 PM) someone possibly: Yeah, I shouldn’t discuss what I was thinking!
(3:03:38 PM) someone possibly: lol
(3:03:47 PM) supernerdlady: oh but you should
(3:04:07 PM) someone possibly: If I do, I’ll start thinking dirty thoughts about you, getting horny…
(3:04:10 PM) supernerdlady: i learned something last year about sexy
(3:04:23 PM) supernerdlady: someone told me some of the best pieces of advice
(3:04:33 PM) someone possibly: Oh?
(3:04:39 PM) supernerdlady: he said “you’re cuter when you’re not trying”
(3:04:48 PM) someone possibly: exactly
(3:04:48 PM) someone possibly: EXACTLY
(3:04:52 PM) someone possibly: And that was it, too.
(3:05:01 PM) someone possibly: Damnit, now I’m thinking about it again.

Now granted, a couple of years ago, I was a bit different. Looking at pictures from that stage in my life, you could tell that I was censoring myself quite a bit. People who knew me before then have commented about the befores and afters of that period. I was hiding… again, another factor that’s very common when someone is abused… it’s the motions.

However, in many ways, I am still the same. I’m a vague collection of whimsy, realism, cynacism and hope. I become guarded and crafted my behaviors accordingly. I wanted to tell my stories, without having to tell my stories. Alas, I wanted the perfect movie romances that I didn’t have back then… so I made it a point to learn to manufacture them.

I think that the real draw is the subtleties. So many women are not mindful of proper ettiquette. Fundamentally, I found that strenghtening some areas was also a good thing most people seem to forget. Class? What’s that? Women seem to be first to spout off their mouths to be these visions of “Sex and the City” because they think that’s what men want. They think that’s where liberation resides. I think they’re missing a big part of the bigger picture.

Again, I look to movies graced on the silver screen. Of the golden age. Was it their subordination that drew these collosal men to them? Good breeding comes first and foremost from a certain an array of decorum. If you do not know how to behave in the most basic of areas, who is to say that you will be able to fuck as hard as you talk? Talk is cheap right?

Be mysterious.  Be direct.  But be a woman of class.  If you want your man to do all those things for you without asking.. learn to craft your words accordingly.

If u want your man to stay, u will not be more complex than you already are.. just because!

So you want those flowers or that dress?  Getting your man to get it for you isn’t as hard as you think.. just think about it outside the box.

I believe that it’s the quiet ones that you really have to watch out for. They will surprise you the most, more times than not. Perhaps that’s why I’m drawn to these artists.. the geek boys.. these.. quietly patiently waiting for their cliche woman of sitcom perfection and dysfunction.

Or maybe I’m just fucked in the head.