Ah how many of you remember that beloved movie of the 80’s?
Let’s take a journey back in time to remember the female douchebags of my more formative years from one of my favorite cult classics. It will make sense later I promise.
Heathers, circa 1988
From right to to left, seen above, the characters Heather Duke, Heather McNamara, and the queen of the female douchebag power click, Heather Chandler accompanied by miss Veronica Sawyer.
In my teenage angst period and throughout my life, I seemed to most empathize with Wynonna Ryder’s character. Here she was, riding along in the cool kids club, but she never really fit in. There was something off about her, but not in a bad way. It was noticeable enough to be noticed, but her entourage was her get out of jail free card.
For years I’d be haunted by these “Heathers.” It became prevalent even more so when entering the entertainment industry. It didn’t matter how nice you were to them, if you looked at some of them funny, wore your hair differently, showed up at a party with an attractive guy, got attention from the right person, they would snub you. You are expendable and competition. However, both parties can be successful in the Hollywood pool, but only if they moderate themselves.
In this movie, these douchebags made her life both hell and heaven. The choice was hers. So what better way to play the game than become one of the crew? Once in the favor of the crowd, the potential to rise is endless.
Ah the politics of womanhood. Take notice my dears and play nice, even if you don’t like eachother… because everyone wants the rank of a Heather but maintain the likeability of a Veronica.
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This week’s douchebag of the week goes to a very special girl from the East Coast also named Heather. Like the characters in the movie, she’s a gorgeous girl with a commanding presence. People know who she is, and she’s popular within her circle. But she failed to moderate herself…
One of my best friends back home, Jace, finally got involved with a girl, Nat, that he’s been madly in love with for 10 years. He was doing the long distance relationship thing. She- on the east coast, He- from Chicago. Their courtship had been something danced around quite literally for some time. Needless to say when it finally happened, he was glowing magnanimously.
Jace and Nat love to dance. He’s frequently flown out there for dance competions and video game functions. They have been best friends for ages. Their relationship was strong. He’d met her family. All steps in the direction of a potentially great payoff and long term romance.
It was also during this time that he’d also met Heather. She was a conventionally beautiful girl who loved to dance as well. However when he’d initially shown interest in her, she rejected him.
Time passed and he’s with Nat. He’s on cloud nine about it. This was when it would finally all make a turn for the worse.
What is it about women who suddenly want the guy when he becomes off the market?
I must admit, I’m guilty of this too.. but here comes the psychotic difference between her and the rest of “sane” women.
He was being a good guy to Nat. Heather decided to come out in the open that she had feelings for him and wanted him. He respectfully declined and repeatedly stated he was in love with his girlfriend. She refused to listen.
There was a dance competition coming up that he planned on attending. Heather decided that this was the perfect time to schedule a trip out to Chicago…. so she could see him in person and tell him everything. Jace was not clued in on this.
He went to his dance gig as normal and ran into her. He was trying to maintain a friendship with her and be cordial. She pressed. She said she had things of his to give back to him- a sweatshirt that was back at her hotel room.
He tried to get out of it but she pressed more….
“Please come and get this, it will only be a minute.”
He ended up at her hotel room. She begins looking for the items in question. He waits patiently.
She straddles him in a chair and makes it clear that she doesn’t have panties on. She pulls out elaborate letters about how she wants to be with him and proceeds to pledge her undying desire for him.
And then she kisses him. He’s stuck in this spot and doesn’t know how to get out of it gracefully.
He excuses himself… tells her that he’s in love with his girlfriend. He says he’s flattered but this is wrong.
Driving home he feels terrible. He feels he’s to blame for her actions.
Is there something I could have done differently? Was I not clear with what I said about my position on this?
And then the email…
Heather wrote Nat an email about how she and Jace are now together. She twists the story around to make it sound as if she were completely innocent to the whole thing. Nat is destraut and believes the girl.
As of right now my friend Jace is now single due to this meddling Heather. Congrats on becoming this weeks long distance douchebag of the week hooker girl. Perhaps there’s potential for you in Hollywood just yet… but only if you learn to play nice lest you be crushed by the real Heather/Veronicas. At which point, tell me when and where and I’ll bring the popcorn and the gloves… wouldn’t want to get blood on my nails you know.
I am an Enigma 