Tag Archives: realization

Relevance? Unknown

I had.. the most bizarre dream last night.

And you were there.

And so were you.

I don’t remember all of it.

Hell, I don’t remember much of it.

Is it odd for an atheist to pray?

Isn’t a thought released to the air really just the same thing?

What is a prayer exactly?

Another time.

Another story?

This one is just about a wish.

Yes, yet another wish.

Because if you can’t dream it, you can’t realize it.

If you can’t realize it, you can’t actualize it.

If you don’t know what you want, your odds of getting it.. well, they just aren’t as likely.

A discussion with my roommate last night bid some inner reflection.

I was exhausted.  Yesterday was a long one.  But even when my body begged me to stop, I just kept going.

I had to ride out the storm.

I had to punish myself so I knew when I was finally there that I’d deserved it.

But I deserve everything along the way too.

The heartache.

The pain.

The levity.

The letdown.

Talking.  More and more talking.

I’m fortunate enough to be surrounded by such a wonderful support group.

“The thing was.. over the past months you were with him, you grew up immensely.  He, on the other hand, just remained the same.  If anything, he regressed.”

My head is…

I’m so…

~L.

the grip

Mr Parker

the panther

etcetera. etcetera.

There’s alot you don’t know… that you’ll never know.

“I think you’re reaching far too low than you should be.  You are worth so much more than you have been giving yourself credit for.” said another good friend, regarding business affairs.

But the statements…

“Women seem to have it either one extreme or the other.  It’s either full fledged all out full of themselves intensity or no self esteem at all.”

Potential.

Love.

Success.

Dreams.

I was about to go to sleep when he messaged me.  He just won’t let me let him go.

“Is there ever a time when you’re not amazing?”  I asked him.

But that’s yet another story.

I “prayed.”

I wished.

I dreamed.

And you were there.

And so were you.

I don’t remember all of it.

Hell I don’t remember much of it.

I couldn’t see faces.  I can only remember one name.  I’m not even sure if it was the person in the dream.

I remember very little.  But what pieces I do, I remember vividly.

I was sitting across the table from a gentleman.

He asked me:

“Why couldn’t I be your first choice? Why am I not your first choice?”

And I said:

“You already are. You always were.”

And then I woke up.  I tried to remember more of the dream.  I couldn’t.  It was driving me batty.

I forced myself to get back to sleep, determined and vigilant to uncover the subliminal messages underlying within.

I remember one name:

yours, Mr Parker.

Even still, I’m not sure.  I woke up again.

No answers.

Just stillness.

Is it odd for an atheist to pray?

Isn’t a thought released to the air really just the same thing?

I just kept going.

I had to ride out the storm.

I dragged myself out of bed.  I saw Mr Parker online.

“You should call me.  I miss your voice or something.”

“Or something… ” he said, as if he already knew.

…Or something…

I drove to work.  The words stirred in my head.  Everything about last night.  Everything about this morning.

I pulled into my spot and went to walk upstairs.  I lifted my eyes up and there you were.

What’s the meaning of all of this?  I’m unsure.

No answers.

Just stillness.

I have to keep going.

I have to ride out the storm.

A lil tony robbins action- pt 1

I was being nostalgic in the wee hours of the morn when I ran across a statement that hit a little too close to home.

You can never take a man away from his one true love.

Too many degrees.  It stings everywhere.

From the narcassist-   When I first entered my marriage, my fiance knew that I had a passion for photography.  As you can tell from the updated stream, it is a part of me.  That part was put on hold however.  When the marriage dissapated, my photography came back and flourished.  I felt a renewed sense of being.  It is my one true love.

To the dater- Foreshadowing, a woman came into view that spoke words of warning.  “She is his one true love.”  I use the term “she” in loose terminology.  Work, lovers, etcetera… the devil lies in the details.  A short time later, sure enough… that was over.  Or, another leaf turned?  I still don’t know for sure.

To friendships- She loved the theatre.  It’s no surprise that she fell in love with New York.  That was probably a given actually.

All commonalities.  All “you should have knowns.”  So why does it still sting?

Because reality reared its ugly face.  La la la life goes on.

There is an aura abound.  We chase these firecracker moments… we oooh and ah at the sparkle and shimmer.  We don’t want to think about the end of the stick.  All we want… is to be forever entransed in that moment.  For the passion and love of it all.

Humans aspire to be something more.  We want fame.  We want this glory.  We want people to notice us.  But so few really show what it is that they love.  The man that does, is either shun or idolized.  Usually one rather than the other, but some fortunates get both.

A friend of mine once said:

I’m a person and not a possession.  The only things that own me are my passions.-Molly Kurtz

Another business friend told me something equally as powerful.  He said, in such simplicity:

Whatever you are, just be proud of it. -Scott Hartsman

There are a few true loves.  But when I look back at my life, at the constants, it’s kind of surprising personally.  What are your constants?  How have they effected the person that you are today?  Personally.  Professionally.  Artistically. Intellectually.  Spiritually.

Even with silly things, you will most likely see a common bond.  I believe that’s where the heart of change is.  It’s self realization.  Find your heart and go with it.  Weather it be work, family, or play.. live a life of passion.  Be passionate about something.  Be passionate about someone.  Its a highly underrated way of life that so many people seem to lose sight of.

Why do you think so many of us starving artists are so happy despite it all?  Because if all we have is that something, it’s still enough yet not enough at the same time.