One day a year

Yesterday was the anniversary of two people brought into this world that have changed my life: my ex husband and my sister.  Happy Birthday to the both of you.

I took a bit of time as I was going to get the mail at work to call my sister.  She lives back home in IL in a small town in Bloomington.  We live in two completely different worlds, not just zip codes. 

Hers is one of black and white.  Mine is…

She works at a school over there doing administration and testing.  She went right into college after high school and has a degree as a social worker.  Until a couple of years ago, she was doing nothing with it.  She was working in a Copy Max as a retail manager.

She, for the most part has stayed in the same place her whole life.  I have lived the life of a vagabond. 

Her relationship with my more colorful yet corporate dad is strained.  My relationship with the mundane nothingness that is my mother’s world is far from being anything grand.

My sister and I look little alike.  She takes after my mother and I’m very much so like dad.   I have had no problems finding suitors.  She has always struggled.

She nearly married her high school sweetheart. 

Nearly is a good word when it doesn’t apply to you.

Nearly won the Pulitizer prize.

Nearly made it to work on time.

Nearly got into that club for the party of the century.

Ah, nearly.

It’s definition should simply be: first loser.

It’s a word that would succinctly capture the story about Shawn.  But that’s the cart before the horse.

Jessica’s highschool sweetheart, Willy, broke up with her and married the woman right after her.  My sister must not have taken this very well as she then turned around and married his older brother- a year to the day after.  But hey, maybe she really meant it when she said it wasn’t intentional and that Shawn didn’t remember that when they picked the date.  I mean, he is a recovering alcoholic after all so I could completely understand that reasoning of logic.

My sister had been since supporting him throughout the duration of their marriage thusfar while he just mooched off her.  After exiting a marriage where my husband didn’t want me to be independent financially, I couldn’t fathom why she ever would want to carry a “man.”

I remember the days when we were younger we used to play together.  Hell there may be a cassette tape where we recorded bits and goofed around with buried somewhere in piles of things left in my mothers garage in suburbian IL.

These days?  We don’t talk much.  Not for lack to talk about, but more of the “agree to disagree” sort of lifestyle differences.  I understand her choices but I don’t think she understands mine.  Again, she is like mom and I oftentimes find myself questioning mom if she and I even legitamitatly share DNA.

Needless to say I have never really been close to that side of my family.  I wish it were different.  Maybe in another dimension it would be.

Yesterday I called her.  I’d heard pieces from dad about how things were with her.  Reminders of how much so we really were not alike.

I wasn’t sure if the rumor that Shawn would be going to jail for violation of his probation was true or if somehow he’d gotten his act together.  He’d gotten into drugs and was being watched regarding selling.

My family has said that they hope she leaves Shawn, but I don’t think it’s going to happen.  They have a child together.  My sister has always wanted to be loved and have children.  I saw the look in her eyes as I went on my way and had mine. 

Envious. 

Longing.

It is for these reasons that I tried to talk to her yesterday.  I wanted to see if she was alright.  Instead when I asked how things, she was secretive.

I asked her if she was ok.  She operated as if nothing were wrong.

“He’s away.  He will be away for a long time.  But it’s alright.  We are still together.”

She didn’t need to tell me.  I knew then that he had gone to jail.

  “Where is away?  Is it a business trip?  What’s going on?”

She got upset.  Told me it was nothing.  Told me thank you for calling.  She got abrasive.

Yesterday was the anniversary of the entrance of two people who would change my life.  I am happy with where I came from.  I am happy with where I am going.  I am glad that our paths crossed ways.  I am also glad… that we are parting.

Like so many people I run into… she seems to not realize her potential. 

I’m noticing a pattern and taking some action.

It’s going to be a long December.  For me, this one is going to be focused on working further towards my own potential in double time.  Thanks for the reminder sis and best of luck to you.

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Relevance? Unknown

I had.. the most bizarre dream last night.

And you were there.

And so were you.

I don’t remember all of it.

Hell, I don’t remember much of it.

Is it odd for an atheist to pray?

Isn’t a thought released to the air really just the same thing?

What is a prayer exactly?

Another time.

Another story?

This one is just about a wish.

Yes, yet another wish.

Because if you can’t dream it, you can’t realize it.

If you can’t realize it, you can’t actualize it.

If you don’t know what you want, your odds of getting it.. well, they just aren’t as likely.

A discussion with my roommate last night bid some inner reflection.

I was exhausted.  Yesterday was a long one.  But even when my body begged me to stop, I just kept going.

I had to ride out the storm.

I had to punish myself so I knew when I was finally there that I’d deserved it.

But I deserve everything along the way too.

The heartache.

The pain.

The levity.

The letdown.

Talking.  More and more talking.

I’m fortunate enough to be surrounded by such a wonderful support group.

“The thing was.. over the past months you were with him, you grew up immensely.  He, on the other hand, just remained the same.  If anything, he regressed.”

My head is…

I’m so…

~L.

the grip

Mr Parker

the panther

etcetera. etcetera.

There’s alot you don’t know… that you’ll never know.

“I think you’re reaching far too low than you should be.  You are worth so much more than you have been giving yourself credit for.” said another good friend, regarding business affairs.

But the statements…

“Women seem to have it either one extreme or the other.  It’s either full fledged all out full of themselves intensity or no self esteem at all.”

Potential.

Love.

Success.

Dreams.

I was about to go to sleep when he messaged me.  He just won’t let me let him go.

“Is there ever a time when you’re not amazing?”  I asked him.

But that’s yet another story.

I “prayed.”

I wished.

I dreamed.

And you were there.

And so were you.

I don’t remember all of it.

Hell I don’t remember much of it.

I couldn’t see faces.  I can only remember one name.  I’m not even sure if it was the person in the dream.

I remember very little.  But what pieces I do, I remember vividly.

I was sitting across the table from a gentleman.

He asked me:

Why couldn’t I be your first choice? Why am I not your first choice?”

And I said:

“You already are. You always were.”

And then I woke up.  I tried to remember more of the dream.  I couldn’t.  It was driving me batty.

I forced myself to get back to sleep, determined and vigilant to uncover the subliminal messages underlying within.

I remember one name:

yours, Mr Parker.

Even still, I’m not sure.  I woke up again.

No answers.

Just stillness.

Is it odd for an atheist to pray?

Isn’t a thought released to the air really just the same thing?

I just kept going.

I had to ride out the storm.

I dragged myself out of bed.  I saw Mr Parker online.

“You should call me.  I miss your voice or something.”

“Or something… ” he said, as if he already knew.

…Or something…

I drove to work.  The words stirred in my head.  Everything about last night.  Everything about this morning.

I pulled into my spot and went to walk upstairs.  I lifted my eyes up and there you were.

What’s the meaning of all of this?  I’m unsure.

No answers.

Just stillness.

I have to keep going.

I have to ride out the storm.

Aspirations and Vocalizations

Validation enters the picture once again.  Lots of buzzwords.  Marketing.  Angles.  Diversity.  Social Economics.  Propensity to change.  Strategy.  Innovation. Entrepreneurship.

The arguments were entered that marketing as a whole was a lot of superficial smoke and mirrors and very little to do about content.  Social media, video games… the entertainment industry as a whole.  Is it just a get rich scheme to line the pockets of a few individuals?

Well, the honest answer.. to a degree is yes.  Look at those even semi successful within those realms.  Take a step back and look at a big portion of corporate America.  The rich get richer, and the rats scurry to try for their leftovers.  Then there’s the copycats and sycophants.  Its a race to try and push your way up front.  Maybe Candy Mountain is at the top. At which point, I’d have to say.. move over I want some fairy floss and Snow caps please. Nom nom nom.

I want to believe that there are genuine people in the corporate and entertainment sectors.  And while social media may very well have many of the same components attributed to marketing callousness, I think it’s a step in the direction of forcing people to be more genuine.

I have had a love affair with these industries for years now.  I get defensive when they are bashed.  I do not disagree that there are many negatives and potential for failure.  Humanism sets in, and I think that’s the main reason I get upset.

The reason why stereotypes even exist, is because at the base of them, lies truth.  Truth is not a pretty picture.  But there comes a point where you need to buck up and accept that and/or make steps toward a proactive change.

Things I have found that I want to attain:

  • a career as a writer- This is something that I’ve had some major potential leads towards and when it came to application time, scared myself out of trying.. for fear of success as well as failure.  No more of that crap.  I need to embrace the chance of both.  Hell, there really isn’t a such thing as failure if you try and learn from it right?
  • further involvement in social media- I want to see those strengths become more apparent.  I want to instigate further discussions and the open source diversification for better free flow of ideas for change.  Most people from the outside see transparency and just another marketing ploy.  It is part of the reason why the word recession has been coming about.  Let’s give them something positive and clean up that image.
  • a public relations position within a company that is involved with the things I am passionate about- I am confident in my relations with people in a business setting.  I want to use the one asset that matters most more: my brain. I want to grow and expand and learn in the best way I know how.. from experience and failure and not superficial means.  I think companies need to focus on finding more people that still hold this passion.  I know many business professionals- however see less this tenacity.

I have found that these things have their place in todays society.  However change starts within.  With one person.  There is opportunity out there.  We can always be better than what we are.

I think there needs to be some major revamping to the images our industries are projecting.  I think that dividends will still come, and even more so, when paired with authenticity.  Additionally, I think the general quality of content many places are providing is considerably under par.  There needs to be more attention to this aspect, and less about just the marketing.  Marketing attracts clients, content retains them.

The power of social media is there.. I firmly believe that it has not reached its potential.  We, as a collective should focus and brainstorm more about that.  And thereby, once we’ve reached realization, ascertain it to be a solid actualization.

For our dreams.

For our visions.

For our businesses.

For our consumers.

As our consumers.

“All men dream… but not equally.

They who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it is vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible.” —T.E. Lawrence