its only taken 3 years

My marriage was over 3 years ago, but the axe finally comes down officially tomorrow.

3 years of heartache of separation from the kids.

Of bullshit games and an inferior complex from a man who abused me both emotionally and physically.

From a man who attempted to extinguish the fire within me.

I look back at pictures in reflection.  It was a long time ago but doesn’t feel like it was.  It was a different life.  A different world.  One that I miss sometimes and others one that I’m glad is being left behind.

I thought I would always be watching from the rearview mirror… seeing little faces turn big and I wouldn’t be there.

It tugs my heart.  I first heard about my daughter walking from an email sent to someone else.  I wasn’t included in this family.  He ran off to make his own.  With another woman who couldn’t have children of her own.

Imagine finding excel spreadsheets with daycares cross country with your children’s names.  Of threats before work to take your children.  Of a man you gave everything up for reminding you your place in line.

Money.

I hate to love money.

“Why is divorce so expensive?”

“Because it’s worth it!”

Court is tomorrow in Martinez.  I am exhausted.  There is little to nothing I can do at this point.  If I go in and contest the terms, I may not even be heard or the divorce may be postponed.  Both of which, I don’t want.

It’s the dissolution.  It’s just one part of the process.  It will work itself out.  I will fight for them in the ways that I can.

The judicial system is frightening.  I’m amazed with the bullshit he’s able to get a hold of.  He hasn’t let me see my children with him in nearly a year.  I feel like such a small fish in a big pond.  But I don’t have time for melancholy.  There’s no crying over spilled milk.  Steps forward, and no looking back.

These few days I have been so busy.  Looking for work.  Writing elsewhere.  Tugging my heart on the ground and cutting myself off to focus.

The fire that was extinguished all those years ago has returned.  I’m stronger.  It can’t hurt me anymore.  Tommorrow I will be free of the last bit of chains left.

The best thing that came of this experience were those babies.  Those babies that I am committed to going full force and diving into this market to make the life for them better.  One day at a time.

The path ahead is free and inviting… but god help me I’m scared/excited.

They never said this was going to be easy…

Little white lies

I was raving about you yesterday to a friend.  She wanted to know all about you.  I told her you were everything that I thought I wanted.  There had been this moment.. carnal and animalistic, where we first saw eachother and I knew I just had to have you.  We caught eyes.  He locked on and kept walking, never faltering with his stare.  I was his prey.

And then I got to know more about you.  I was intriqued by you.  Every facet of you seemed to entice me more and more the more I found out.

Artist.

Intellectual.

Genuine.

Loyal.

Sweet.

Endearing.

Imaginative and childlike.

A man, but still a boy.

And then I met someone different.  I met ~L.

He once wrote me (back in those 3 glorious days that were ours once upon a time):

“As I see your time as valuable and your hands with which you hold the mightier as future artifacts, forgo spending your time with boys. Valor, chivalry and romanticism can best be found in a man. Perhaps I am mincing words, but having spent most of my life as a “boy,” I can feel the difference.”

But this panther, I thought.. I was blinded by as it turned out.  He wasn’t all that I wanted.  He was a facade.

I went out with the panther the day after my magical night with ~L.  For reasons unknown, I said to myself, if I had to choose between the two of them right now, I think I’d…

The panther was a boy.  Childish and imaginative alright.  But not the man I made him to be in my mind.  I needed to experience last night’s moment before I was finally able to accept it.  It was something I’d already known though.

He’d said he wasn’t over his ex girlfriend.  He’d broken up with her around the same time I’d parted ways with the grip.  We’d gone to have drinks with my best friend, and come back to play video games and talked until 6:30 am.  That was Friday night.

Sunday we went out to a movie.  Which turned into “Surprise my roommate and his girlfriend are there holding our seats.”  Followed by dinner.  If that wasn’t a double date, well then I’m  boggled.

The encounters like this only continued to get further romantic in nature, although never physically romantic at all.

We went on a walk through Venice.  Through alleyways of magic and lights, arm and arm.  We made flirty remarks to eachother.  Told stories about our lives.  Poured our hearts out.

I did it because I thought I felt comfortable with you.  I thought that you were genuine.  Now I don’t know.

Yesterday I was talking to a friend about you.  I showed her your picture.  She said…

Oh no.  We were… about a month ago.

For about that same time, you were telling me you weren’t over your ex.  I believed you.  I remained friends because I adored you.  I wanted to be a part of your life.  But now I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know what to say.

A little white lie?

A huge white lie.

Awesome.

I’m glad that I found out, what apparently I already knew.  ~L. is completely right.  I’ve spent too much time on boys, not nearly men.  And now I just wish… and continue to fold my cranes.

Today is your day.

Dear Maddox,

Happy 4th Birthday my baby boy.

I am very sorry that I was not able to see you today.  Know that I would have liked to more than anything in the world, but unfortunately..

Mommy is trying so hard right now to make things better.  For that time someday where we will be together again. It’s coming. Soon soon… I hope the day I see you is someday soon.

Your big brother wanted me to tell you that he misses you so much.  So here’s a hug from him too.

It makes me so sad that I was just up there.. 20 minutes away, but didn’t get a moment to spend with you.  It seems that your father believes he is protecting you.. or that’s what he says on the rare occasion that he responds.  I would have made the time for you if he would have allowed it.  I can’t blame him for not wanting to share you though.  How is Wendy by the way?  I hope she is treating you well.

There is a present in the mail for you.  I hope that you like it.  Here’s a hint: I’d love to bring you somewhere where you could fly it.  Maybe I will take a trip out there and your dad will let me take you to.

Have you gotten my letters?

Did your father show the pictures of me and Ethan to you? Do you remember my face?  I know my hair has changed colors a lot, but it’s normal for now.  It’s red just like the cherry popsicles you like, except you can’t eat my hair.  It would taste funny.

Do you remember your brother?  He’s getting very big too.  His birthday is Saturday.  Do you remember him?  You used to play together and he’d show you the best places to hide in the cupboards.  Remember that time you got stuck?  Silly big brothers.  I have a feeling that someday you will get him back good though.

It’s been so long since I’ve heard how you sound. Are you talking more?  Mommy is worried because you weren’t talking much when I saw you last.  I hope your dad took you to the doctor about it like I asked him to.

Do you remember the sound of your mothers voice?

Your real mother..

Mommy loves you.  Tiny words cannot express how much I do.

I love you so much son.

I’m sorry about today.  I am sorry that I was able to see Sakura and Ethan for their birthdays this year but I was unable to see you for yours.  Know that I didn’t plan it, nor wish that this happened at all.  I love you just as much as I do your sister and your brother.

I love you very much son.  I miss you.  I hope that I didn’t fail you.

Love,

that one lady that gave birth to you but you’ve only seen once in 2 years. (the one with the crayons and the crazy roommate with weird hair.. or did last time you saw her)