Letting go: Material Immaterial

This weekend was phenomenal.  It was also quite frightening for a few hours.

I tend to over worry about things sometimes.  I’ve been working my fingers to the brim.  I’ve been toiling hours away at an idea… at many ideas… at pushing to making those things happening and preparing for some major presentations to debut them.

I am a perfectionist.  I want to do everything just right.  I am hesitant to announce something unless I have already invested considerable time and effort into it.

As some of you may know, I am midst work on a documentary project entiteled Muse for Hire. The name is shared by an umbrella of projects, including my previously unnamed copy writing services (inquire within) as well as a web series project I am working on that came about as the documentary started filming.

But that’s another story.

My camcorder has become an integral extension of me.  The amount of time and devotion I have to the projects and thus the attachment to one small Flip Mino that I purchased for the project, is quite… it’s one material possession I would be upset if it was lost.

This weekend that nearly happened.

So what do you do when something you have such an attachment to disappears?  You freak of course.  I was no different.

Friday night started off a bit rough.  I’d been working on some other projects and not gotten much sleep.  Little things got to me a bit more than usual.  This time it was some comments made out of context in reference to a certain Mr that I am…

“She made some good points though.  I’m a little afraid of how I’m potentially presenting myself here.  I mean, what if she’s right?”

“Calm down.  I’ve seen you two together.  I don’t know the guy but it’s likely nothing and you know it.  What are you referring to exactly though?  Explain.” Mo replied in attempt to get me to calm down a little.

“I’m sure its not but… well, what are you doing tonight?  Let’s go see a movie.  It’d give a better idea of what I mean.”

“I’m not sure I can.  I’m supposed to go out tonight later.”

“Please…”

“Get dressed and come by work.  We can figure out the details and catch an early show.”

I got dressed and headed out.  We talked outside his work for awhile before deciding to get some coffee at a local Starbucks.

Between the caffeine and conversation, I quickly calmed down.  I wasn’t super stressed about it before but sitting at home racking my brain only added to it’s nonsense- and potentially true statements.  Only time will tell.  Assumptions and worrying about it will only get me wrinkles anyway, and I’ll pass on the botox treatments thank you very much.

Conversation changed over to a friend of mine that I thought Mo might like.  I texted her to ask what she was up to.  She was at a bar near me.  I dropped Mo off and went to my place to change into more suitable attire.  He picked me up a little bit later.

“Thank you.  Have a good night.” I received as a reply to a text I’d sent hours prior to him.  Ah the wonders of two super busy people something something. It was something so tiny but it made me glow and calm down even more so.

We arrived at quarter after eleven.  It was her birthday and she was with a group of people.  We headed up to the upstairs portion of the bar.  There are couches along the wall and the perimeter.  We sat down at some with the party.  Such a wonderful group of great people… new friends and old.

The guys were too chicken to approach me.  I cared nothing about them.  I felt the heat of stares and caught people blushing and looking away.  I felt unbelievably confident that night.  I approached men and brought them to the group.  I made sure my best friend wasn’t bored.  We had a great time and I behaved.  It was quite…

At one point my purse was knocked off the couch accidentally.  I’d thought that I had everything when I picked it up, but we didn’t dive into the cushions nor reach very far back behind or under them.  ( You can probably see where this is going.)

The club closed down and we were ushered out.  We talked outside the club.  At this point I realize that something is a bit off.  I’m not sure where my camcorder is.  I dumped my purse out onto the sidewalk.  It wasn’t there.

I freaked.  I can’t afford a new camcorder right now.  But it was more than just that.  While there was quite a bit on there that I hadn’t been able to take off from Comic Con just yet, there was one clip that was pretty important to me.  You see, the thing about filming a documentary is that while you may have a ton of content as you are you are working on it, there are just some moments where you know when they happen that they will be in the finished product.  This was one of them.

I was upset when we left that night.  I knew that I had to be there in the morning to try and get it back.  I was hoping for good karmic retribution.  I knew that there was a chance it might not happen.

And then I thought about it more.

Even after I freaked and worried… I remembered a conversation that bid me to do some reflection I had a long time ago.

“There are some things that are meant to be legendary.”

While the moment I filmed recently will forever be permeated in my mind, regardless if it worked out or not (please let it work though), regardless if I had gotten the camcorder back or not, it didn’t change that simple fact: I’m thankful that it happened because it was legendary.

I accepted that if the camcorder did not return to me that it was simply not meant to be- the moment being in the documentary that is.

We, as a culture of Americans, build up this attachment to silly possessions so easily.  While they may be founded in passion or emotional connection, the possession itself is relatively worthless.  It’s just “great junk” essentially.

And while, yes I did get my camcorder back the next day, I feel amazing.  I know now that I can let go of everything and be alright.  Material stuff is fun to have.  It fuels my art.  But even if I don’t have it, it doesn’t change what I am at the end of the day in the simplest terms: an artist.

So here’s to letting go and letting life happen a bit more each day.  Material is immaterial.

I’m thankful I learned these lessons.  But I will also admit, that it does make me glow a bit knowing that that piece was supposed to be in this documentary project.  It is one moment captured in film in shadows and lights that’s…  well see for yourself, but you have to pay attention…

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