Mindfucking

This was going to be pretty epic tonight.  I was going to bring not just a date to a social media event, but someone I genuinely care about- two things that I haven’t done yet.  It was talked about me having a possible +1 previously, but…

This would likely have been the last tweetup I’d be able to go to down south for awhile.  Work during the week prevents my schedule from being quite as free to taking the long drive down.

I love going home.. there’s a freeing feeling that I get everytime I’m there.  However, there is also some mindfucking I could do without.  I am sick and tired of bullshit games and drama over absolutely nothing.  Fret not, I haven’t been scared off of going to the events (sorry to break it to you, you know who).  I will be attending them occassionally, but just not as frequently as I have been.

To my friends down there who are unfortunately effected by this, know this has absolutely nothing to do with you.  You are amazing and I wish I was closer.  Some days I just wish more than anything I was back home… 5 minutes away from the heart of.. my heart.  But last month’s events, and now the developments I have here…

I value my sanity and my relationship with the grip more than to tolerate the unnecessary garbage I have had to deal with when even in the same room and civil as…

I’ll see you someday soon I hope.  Maybe on a weekend we can have our own mini-tweetup and catch up.

Settling, but not quite settling

There’s a difference between giving in and giving up.  Knowing when to do each is something that only life lessons can truly teach you.  This year has been full of those such experiences.

My love affair with this city… it’s the story of true unconditional love.

It’s been a long but epic week.  I’m waiting on a callback about a position I’d applied for.  I’ll know later today.  I wouldn’t be starting until Monday if I got it.

I didn’t make it down for the blogger meeting.  I was sidetracked with an opportunity.

A friend of mine twittered about needing some help with casting for his webshow- Frenchmaidtv.  Now if you haven’t seen this quirky and sexy little series, I really must insist that you go there and watch.  When I first found it, I understood immediately why it was such a hit.

I came to California originally for the same things it seems everyone here comes for.  Ah yes, I came out here for the entertainment industry- the mecca of of smoke and mirrors manufacturing.  Sidetracked from that a few years… life has a weird way of bringing you back to your roots.

Two birds, one stone.  I had the chance to help someone deserving and learn some lessons in the process.

Life is a series of windows.  Not doors, windows.  Because I believe sometimes it takes more effort than just walking in a door.  Sometimes you stumble across an open window, take a glance, and have to find some way to climb though.  Holy crap I sound like I break and enter now.  ***I am not responsible for any breaking and entering cases caused by this blog***

I’m a rebel but not a jerk.

That said, when you are fortunate enough to stand on a platform and take a look into a new world (being this short, I need a stepstool to see in those high ones), you take it without hesitation.

My view of Hollywood had been tarnished.  That day, it revitalized the zest I had all those years ago.  I am forever thankful to Tim for letting me tag along.  It was something I will never forget.

One love postponed to rediscover an old one.

Hollywood, the honest view from this inside outsider:

It is exactly as it looks from the outside.  It’s shallow.  It’s gritty.  It bids emotion exist and remain non existent.  Broken dreams.  Made dreams.  Hardened hearts for a reason.  Tits or GTFO.

The 405 was a parking lot.  I left later than expected.  Not surprised, but there was no way I was going to make it home.  There’s fashionably late and then there’s just damn late.

Another friend of mine called me:

How adventurous are you feeling tonight?

Pornstars.  Kareokee.  Only in LA.  It was the perfect ending to a day chuck full of breasts, plastic, and hollywood.  It’s amazing how real something that screams fake can be.  Puns intended.

Like I said, they manufacture these moments in Hollywood though.  It’s like a drug.  One hit- and you’re hooked.

I haven’t been able to sleep much.  I’m a workaholic.  I have too many projects to work on.  Not enough time.  I’m pushing 36 hours in a 24 hour day.

There’s a difference between giving in and giving up.  Knowing when to do each is something that only life lessons can truly teach you.  This year has been full of those such experiences.

Those sentences echo in my mind.  I am making peace within myself.  Time to make the outside match the inside.

I wrote a message to try and push a restart button.  I wanted no harm, no foul.  Once upon a time, I’d like to believe we were friends.  Perhaps we never were.  Perhaps it was all just about the heat.  So why was there so much passion?

“Behave yourself”

I didn’t need to hear that.  Have I screwed up in the past?  Yes indeed. I am human and admit that part of the reason it failed was because of me.

I rolled my eyes a bit at the statement and lol’ed.

Heading down to San Diego… another swimsuit.  Gassed up in my bikini.  Iced chai with whipped cream and cinnamon on top.  Late leaving… but fashionably on time.

I changed on the drive down.  Driving with just your breasts at 90mph is probably not something I’d reccomend doing.  Scratch that.  Hell it’s worth doing once.  ***I am not responsible for the accidents occured by this blog***

The thing about being home is that even when things happen, they seem to have little to no effect on me.  I didn’t cause any ruckus despite what happened.  And as much as I’m sure he’d love for me to be “that bitch” and air all the laundry, I’m more mature than that.  And frankly, I only partially care.

If you love something and you let it go and it comes back, it was yours.  If not, then it never was.

You can tell your friends that I was a never was.  You can spout assorted gossip about me.  Get nasty.  Do whatever.  It’s your life.  I don’t tell anyone how to run theirs.

The truth lies in that vast space of stars and time.

I’m not innocent.  I’m not better.  I’m just not pandering anymore to the manipulative bullshit.

I wish you all the best of luck in all that you do.  I know that you have the power to be successful.  I have faith in you despite it all.

I love you for the lessons you taught me.  About life.  About business.  About how a relationship should and shouldn’t be.  I always will.

Goodbye my “friend,” my “lover,” my Mr.-Never-Once-was Mr-Likely-Will… blank blank dot dot dot.

working on the memory

We need to go on a break.. I don’t always have to see you when you’re in town. Enjoy your friends too. I want you here because I know this is where you want to be.. where you are happiest… let’s work on being friends and we can explore that other part later… when we’re both not as fucked up.

I sighed, a bit dejected. But I agreed. It really wasn’t time yet. Who knows if it ever would be. Regardless of any feelings there may or may not be. And then he said…

…so, when are you coming back?

I honestly didn’t know then. I still don’t know right now. But we both know that I’ll be back as soon as I can. The city.. the sea calls to me. That’s home. And that’s where he is. Triple hitter dose of I want to get there. My heart screams to get there.

Until then, I’m working on making the memory a reality again for more than those brief moments of levity. To take back those stolen moments, with pictures taken… words said.. kisses shared.. of laughter… longing looks across the room… and inside jokes.

We’ll have to find a chinese restaurant to frequent when you move back…

Of working in an industry I loved… of sandy beaches and debauchery. Of living.. really living life in a city I never really got to experience until I left it.

I’ll be home soon my love. I’ll be home soon.

Oh sea of dreams. Oh magic city. Oh.. oh.. oh… man that makes me oh with such passion and attraction in phenomenal Ecstasy.

la jolla cove-june 28 08

Yes, I’m fucked. I did something I vowed I wouldn’t do. I fell in love. I committed the worst crime possible. Damnit damnit damnit.

And the rest is up to destiny

Interview this morning.  The big one.

If I get this job, I have the apartment.. I become a San Diego resident within the month.  If not, the clock goes back a bit.. I stay here in Claremont a bit longer.  I save some more money.  I remain focused on the goal.  3 more months is all I’d want to stay here if I can’t go now.  I still want to push the mark.. to tow the line.

Deep breaths.  Kisses good luck.

Poised.  Ready for the kill.  Dressed to kill.  High heels and red hair.

Just got done.. will know by Thursday.  It went well, but I’m still not sure about it.  I went in confident… presented myself accordingly.

I was so nervous beforehand.. I just drove and got lost for a bit.  I’m planning on going to Mount Soledad today… perhaps the beach.  I don’t have to have the car back until Wednesday night.  No plans tommorrow, nor work.  Huge appointment on Wednesday again.  This is going to be a big week.

I had a talk with my dad before I left.  I explained to him that this would make me very happy, but if I didn’t get this.. that I would be taking a different plan to get to the same ultimate destination.  San Diego will be home by the end of the year.  Period.  He needs to accept it.

I was firm, but warm.  I know my dad.  His heart is in the right place and he’s worried.  As much as I’m nervous.. I’m…

Sometimes you have to take a few moments and savor the sunshine.  I’m going to walk the beach today.  Perhaps have a margarita.  I’m not sure where the wind will take me… but I will go with it and weather the storm.

And that’s enough cheese for now… Sushi plans are in order first.

countdown- part one

me (6/18/2008 1:54:42 PM): i have that apt regardless if i pass the credit check. i just got an email about it.
me (6/18/2008 1:55:03 PM): this could really be happening finally. /blinks
????(6/18/2008 1:55:12 PM): bout time huh?
me (6/18/2008 1:55:20 PM): yeah.. no kidding

I had the talk with my dad yesterday.  It wasn’t pretty.  I’m working on some things to further solidify the move now.  Getting the place was the most difficult part of it.  He’s very worried.  But this is none of his consern.  I tried talking to him civily about it.  He refuses to listen.

We went to a family function yesterday.  I was invisible there.

“Don’t you want to stay so you can come to more of these?”

“No dad, I can get snubbed by strangers just the same.. I’ll pass.  I’m going to go where I know I am happiest.  You are just going to have to accept it.”

In a mode of desperation, he shoves an ad for an apartment he’d seen in the Pennysaver.

“Look, this is local and cheaper.  You should call.  In fact, call right now…”

I looked at the paper. I lowered my head and looked down.  And then I caught myself.  Deja vu.  No no no no.  Not again.  I was falling for yet another guilt trip about my choices when I’m an adult and working my ass off.  I’m not wrong here.  If it’s going to be hard, its a choice that I’m accepting.  This is adulthood.  And I’m stronger than this bullshit.

I looked up at my dad and gave him back the paper.

“No, dad.  This is something amazing.  This is something I want that I’m working hard for… and I’ve prayed about it.. I’ve asked karma about this.. if it’s meant to happen now.. to let it happen.. and it’s falling into place.  I need to do this.  You need to trust me… have faith in me.. let me go.  I’ll be ok.”

In my dad’s mind, I could envision see him seeing his missing two front teeth pigtailed girl standing in front of him telling him this.  It has to be hard on him.  I know that it is.  I feel bad because deep down, my daddy is my hero.  I know he’s conserned.  That letter was extremely hard to write for me.

I wish that I could tell him all of the things that are racing through my mind in this anticipation.  I can’t.  Not yet.

And now the process of closing chapters goes further and further into place.  The journey back home.. is almost complete.  I need to tie some ends up here.. and then.. I can get started on the next chapter of my life.. ironically.. it’s where the story started a little over a year ago.  I never thought it would end there… or rather.. begin.  But life has an interesting way of turning out huh?)

/clicks heels and sets the countdown

summer comparrisons

In IL it meant:
Bonfires and nights covered in mud.
Fireflies and lightning bugs in jars.
White Sox games and hot dogs and beer.. (oh how I miss the real baseball games)
Accents.
Going to the lake and watching spiders weave webs.
Dinners with tons of family.
Grilling outside.
Ghost stories.
Cheap beer cans all over the yard.
Bowling and then coffee and saganake.
Going to department stores because they were open 24 hrs.
White castle sliders after a long night of drinking.
Sex out in the long grass with the hot wind blowing.
shooting at the range.
Tents and giggling.
Stealing road signs.
Days at Navy Pier and the Sears Tower (I miss a real city)
Mosquito bites.
Trying to cover the scent of bug spray up.
The sound of a bug zapper killing a huge one.
The glow of a bug zapper.
Water wings.
Calling the filled in coal mine “a beach.”
Dairy Queen.
Secret rondevous.
Dellwood park rituals.
Becoming blood brothers with someone.
Keggers.

In areas where my friends would have family, they were so in the middle of nowhere that there’d be nothing there but a Walmart and tons and tons of condoms for sale. It’s those things that make me dread going back to IL.. even though where I grew up may have been suburbia, it wasn’t completely horrible. It’s kind of like here except they get bad weather back home and a few other things.


In San Diego, the weather is nearly perfect year round. Not too hot, nor too cold generally. It’s like Hawaii but more stateside. It’s relaxed there but not as much hustle bustle unless you go downtown to the Gaslamp district.

Summertime and concerts..
smoothies (heh)
the most divine fresh picked berries.

freshly cut grass.
dandilion sunbursts and wishes galore.
the sight of a some hot toned boys & girls with a bit of sweat on their brows and tight tummies…

surfer boys.
skater rats.

taking pictures with a telephoto lens.

the most melt in your mouth tasting sushi.
midday cocktails.
walks on the beach.
dancing with the warm wind around you.

fear of santa anas.
praying for rain so there won’t be fires…
then dreading driving/walking/waiting around in it, but still splashing in puddles with long yellow rubber coats and gloshes.

and sometimes the rain is hot enough.. and you can just dance… and the clothes come off because its hot outside too and its perfect and should be filmed and you should be in it.. and you and you and you and you…

Going to the Children’s Pool and looking at the seals that used to be there.
Fireworks over the bay.
Coy fish in Balboa Park right in front of the free Botanical Garden.
Nights out in LA looking for that perfect club no ones heard about.

Tagging random places and photographing the not so nice neighborhoods.
Candelight and sidewalk chalk.
Camera tossing.

Bike riding.
Horror movies and popcorn.
Complaining about the really bad foreign food you ate…
then raving about it an hour later.

The lights that never go down.. in the city where I wouldn’t want to sleep anywhere but in his arms if only, if only I were there…

weighing possibilities…

August is going to be here fast… especially if I work the 2-3 jobs I may be. It’s got a greater purpose though.. I’m going to save and work towards having more than I did before. It’s been a long couple of years. All of my stories aren’t here of course. But scattered across the blogosphere and chats, many a tale are to be told.

My lease will be up then. I’m not sure if it’s in the beguinning or the end of the month, but it’s making me really worry. There’s just a lot on my plate. And I really am missing home lately. I’m missing Chicago. I’m missing San Diego. I like it where I am, but I’m not here completely by my choice. I want to get to that point where the choice is mine. It’s crunch time.

One of my New Years Resolutions was to move to either SF or SD. I have friends in SD that I miss quite a bit. I called SD home for 5 years. I was kicking and screaming when I left my beautiful city behind and moved to the armpit of California. My ex knew that was going to happen. He had his laugh for a bit. I served my “sentence” there for too long and coming here was a compromise.

I asked a friend of mine to keep his ear to the ground about possible openings for roommates down there… preferrably female, so if I did make the move, that my dad would take it a bit better. He knows it’s coming ultimately. But, it should be pretty apparent how much of a daddy’s girl I am. And I’m perfect/Italian… so him liking the situation is even more so important.

Summation.. I have options where I could move back to IL… but that’s more of a last case scenario. I do like it here. But damnit.. home is San Diego. I have friends and attachments there. I want to push the mark.
That may mean I may have to turn down dinner theatre if I get offered it in lue of a job thats nationwide and only would mean a transfer. I’m getting ahead of myself here. I’ll know about the dinner theatre position by Friday afternoon. I have another interview later today- 3rd one with a company I’ve worked for before. That one is nationwide.

The possibility of a roommate there where I actually want to be though.. in a bigger place.. for less money… is pretty damn inviting.
My heart is in San Diego. Arrg. This would have been so much better if Jamie had come down here like she was planning to before the whole New York thing. (We made up btw)

I’m weighing it out… thinking it may be a bit soon. But it’s not soon enough.
Maybe I should just work on making a beam or something.. if I miss, maybe I can explode a house with popcorn.
Until then… /clicks heels
There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home…