Chicken

Ever have a moment where you can taste your foot in your mouth?  Where it’s just so wedged in there that you feel like a complete jerk?  Enter another conversation with the dark horse, yet again about the friend, and another in a window with the girl.

The best day to talk to me is beach day.  It puts me in a complete moment of zen that nothing bad happening can phase me.  It helps me collect myself and gain composure.  It is my oasis.. it is my hideaway.  And it’s my self form of detoxing.

Two weeks of mini hiroshimas and this one coming around… I should have gone to the beach sooner.

There are more reasons why I’ve contemplated moving out of areas that I know anyone.  I’m fortunate enough to be surrounded by such wonderful people that sometimes, I think that I really need to go where I don’t have a support system so I can really feel the weight of my fuckups.  It would force me to be self accountable.

I got upset this week over petty silly things… over things that were all based in my own fuckups.  I’m not kidding when I say I’m a difficult pill to swallow.  I am a really shitty person when I feel you’ve wronged me.  I say spiteful things.  There’s a reason why people try not to upset me.  And I need to work on that.  Hell, there’s a lot of things I think that I should work on.

I’d like to think that I’ve come a long way after this divorce.  But I also think that I have a long way to go.

My reaction to what happened was…

I got a bigger chunk of the story from the dark horse.  It was something that I didn’t realized that I needed one of the guys she’d befriended in order to try and connect and see more about to do… the right thing.  He told me that he’d only talked to her because he had a crush on me, and that when he did, he talked about me.. and what I was like.  He had no intentions of doing anything with her.  She’d talked about my good intentions.  She had been sweet to me in ways that I hadn’t deserved.

I wish she could understand why I was so upset initially in the first place.  I don’t think she will.  But when I took a step back and looked at the stain window, now lying broken all over the floor… her intentions were never ill founded.  Why did it take a guy for me to realize things that I should have known in the first place?  It was me that was the asshole.  It was me that was in the wrong.

I’ve become so used to being treated like shit, that I learned to treat others like shit.  Whenever I have a relationship with someone genuinely nice, I am so nervous that something is going to happen, that it seems to bring every hole of self confidence out.  I’ve lashed out at people who care at me.  I guess I’m not completely fixed- and the ways I’m not, I’m better than to be falling to such ridiculous shortcomings.  At least I know where my problem is that I can avoid repeating it.

I took some time to reflect once again on the text that I’d gotten from my friend in Seattle.

I’m capable of so many grand things.  I’m smarter than how I’ve been acting.  And the reality of it is that I should have realized that before all of this happened…it never should have happened.

I feel as if I’ve fucked up 2 relationships… one potentially wonderful romance, and the best friend I’ve ever had.

Maybe I really didn’t deserve either of them.  Maybe I did but I should have treated them better.  Maybe both.  Maybe not just maybe.

I only can only hope that they could both forgive me, even though I don’t deserve it.  I hope they can see the other good in me… the ones that sparked their interest in a relationship in any way with me in the first place.

Day 2 of detoxing started early.  I’m going to take a shower and do some more of it now.  I told a little boy I was going to visit him today so I need to make good on my word.  People important to you need to be treasured.  It’s time I really start doing it better.  It’s time for me to be the better person I know that I’m capable of.

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“Cautious”/ Why I hate having a vagina sometimes

Ah the joys of womanhood strike once again. There’s always going to be that one person that you are extremely cautious bringing guys around. She may not have to do anything. She may just exist. She may be flirty and dainty and innocent. She may state numerous times she doesn’t want to date them…

You can be the most confident woman in the planet, but if there’s one bone of competitiveness at all- the normal reaction is to be protective. It’s childish. It’s petty. It’s one disgusting part of the whole having a vagina that I admittedly fall into. With just that woman. And more clearly- only men I’m involved with who I feel actually hold some sort of real value.

Portions of a blog (not fully posted) provide a better explanation here:

I wasn’t happy about the situation with the dark horse, but decided it was best left alone. Maybe in a few days things would calm down. Maybe they wouldn’t. The situation sucked but it was what it was. I made one last attempt at an apology and was coming to grips with the idea of “I fucked up, but I did what I could to repair it.”

And then I got a message this morning.

“We need to talk. IM me when you see me on.”

I was shocked to see him on this early. With eyes squinted half open, I sent a message anyway.

Conversation was cordial, but got right to the point: I slept with x person.

Now when he’d asked me before if I had, we joked around.. I thought that it was pretty apparent that I had and we continued.

However, in truth, I regrettably had. Last year. I’d made a point to get tested, as I have within weeks of every lover, as an added protection to having safe sex. I thought that the answer regardless was no ones business but my own.

But then someone decided to make it otherwise.

To be perfectly clear here, I am not going to write something here to try and make anyone feel sorry for me. This doesn’t make my actions of denial any better.

She knows little about the dark horse other than what I’ve told her. She doesn’t know him personally beyond a name on a screen linked to her from my facebook. However, now they’re virtual friends- which is what him and and I started as, and she ended up talking to him.

I’ve oftentimes pondered why I have so few attractive female friends before and came to the conclusion once again as to why. Miscommunication, jealousy, and otherwise petty bullshit when a man enters the picture weather intentional or otherwise. Both women turn vicious. One, because she feels she’s protecting her interest. The other, because she believes you understand she’s not trying to “steal” said guy.

The conversation with the dark horse did not go well- I felt it was over already. What I said in response felt to me like it was mere time filler. I’d assumed that he’d

a-already believed a stranger over me. & b-already come to his own conclusions- therefore nulling anything I’d said in retort.

Fessing up to what I’d done- when I didn’t believe that I’d intentionally lied to him, didn’t seem like it mattered. I did end up coming clean after I’d cooled down. To make matters on my conscious even worse, he told me that whatever she said had nothing to do with him and I… the point that it did was this detail that could have been potentially dangerous for the both of us. At which, I felt even worse.

I’m perfectly out there when it comes to my sexuality. I’m choosy about my lovers- he was a mistake. You’re allowed one aren’t you? I can safely say I’ve only had one, make that 2 one night stands. I had intended to date one night stand 2, but after it happened decided otherwise. I have safe sex. I get tested on a regular basis.

8:45 AM

I feel like I very likely have lost 2 people who I actually cared about. I saw so much potential with the dark horse. He did things that I’d waited and wondered for months why my Big hadn’t done. I was shocked when he came into the picture like he did. The timing.. everything.. seemed perfect. And although things have not been the most perfect between us, I’d like to think that he came into the picture for a reason.

I keep getting told that there’s a certain way a real man is supposed to treat a woman. A healthy, two sided… wonderful nonabrasive way. My attitude had changed towards the fair race. I had hope that maybe, just maybe, I’d met someone who I was interested in that actually really did want more from me than just the sex. That this boy was different… who wasn’t going to be this all time jerk like.. others have been. I guess they really do exist beyond a fantasy.

I feel horrible knowing that it has very likely fucked up because of my own actions- weather unintentional or otherwise. I’m upset with the thought of losing him as a friend and more. He didn’t deserve any of that. He was the first guy in years that had actually piqued my interest the way I’m told romeos are naturally supposed to.

And despite the miscommunication that seemed to have happened with both of them, I want them to remain in my life (well if he even lets me). I was extremely upset earlier this morning. I contemplated ending the friendship with the girl. I felt like I’d been an asshole to the guy. I was pissed all around both with myself and the situation. As the friend knows, Hiroshima ain’t got nothing on me when I feel you’ve pressed one of my red buttons.

In that regard, I was having what I call a “vagina” moment but I’m over it.

I need to take a step back and think about how someone else would react to how I word things. Sometimes I am very vague, or direct, and don’t think about how someone may not know where to read between the lines. I honestly didn’t mean for this misunderstanding to happen, and hope at some point he could forgive me.

Yet again one of the things I most regret coming to the surface. The reality of a coyote ugly moment is that it never goes away, even after that walk of shame. When you look back it will come back to haunt you.

So be careful.

Be cautious.

But most importantly- don’t do it.

And make sure you and your partner on clear with things before you have a moment like mine. Not just because you care about the other person, but for everyone’s own safety.

*Cheers*