It wasn’t always like this

Let’s rewind to almost a year ago.

I had been working two jobs- a freelance client opportunity and a full time “mundane” office job in downtown Los Angeles.  After years of trying to make it (between freelance and temporary contract jobs amongst other life matters) I found myself not only capable of doing it, but doing a fantastic job at that.

So much so that I had saved and had no worry or care when my then boss at the time tempted not give me time off to spend my 30th with my best friend in Seattle.

I had conquered a mountain of debt, spent several thousand dollars in investments into personal matters and was thriving.  I had worked hard and it was finally paying off.  This was a milestone moment and I was going to take it.  Thankfully it was approved and off I was on my first real vacation trip on my own in ages.

Something curious about the time?  I was also single.

Sure I had gone out on a few dates here and there but it wasn’t anything major.  Hell, it was one of those experiences that had it’s magical moments but we both knew we weren’t ready or able to give the other the fairy tale happily ever after tale at the end.

When I left for Seattle for that trip last May I didn’t have a real care in the world.

I was whole.

I was complete.

I had no one but I felt like I was everyone.

I was awesome.

It was all going to be alright because I made it alright.

I was enough.

And it was absolutely amazing.

When I think about how far I’ve come from that, and how far I was before I got there in the first place, it’s kind of difficult to wallow in sadness for too long.  Yes, I’ve had probably a million moments of sadness.  I know that there likely will be more where that came from.  But there will also be that many moments of joy.

I learned that magic isn’t just something that exists in this world, but it’s created.  It’s an internal choice.  It’s an external mission.  It’s often great shared (and sharing I would find is also its own process at times, especially in the dark hours) but… it’s also great when it’s not.

In Seattle I spent my time primarily with Jo.  We had a blast talking about the past.  About the moment when I couch surfed at her place when I had a bump in the road.  About how we missed being roommates.  About the silly stupid stuff that best friends talk about and miss when they are miles apart physically.

However that trip taught me so much about what companionship was and balance that…

The day I arrived we were to meet up with a few of her friends who were also in town.  The night was amazing.  I hadn’t previously met these women but they treated me like they had known me for years.  It was heartwarming.  A reminder that strangers are just people waiting to be friends.

And then there was that last day.  With that trip, as with the next that followed, the last day would be my day.  It was to be treated completely at my whim.  The day was whatever I wanted.

The last day was always the best day.

On my rush to the airport that day I ended up on the train where an old man started talking to me.  We talked about being strangers.  We talked about the town.  We talked about destinations and the future.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” he asked me.

“No.” I said with a laugh.

“Why not?”

“I don’t need one.” I said with a smile.

For all those times when things are hard, this post is to remember that day.  It might feel like ages away but it really isn’t.  A person is capable of going farther than they would imagine.  No matter what the hardships… no matter how bad it seems like it could possibly be (and it was pretty bad), it can always get worse.  Or…. it can get better.  You just have to suck it up and believe.

Remember what it was like to believe.

sail away sail away.. another day

 

holding on for another weekend

 

 

This is where I could be.

A friend of mine invited me to go sailing last weekend and this weekend.

I’ve never been sailing.

It’s on the list of things I’ve always wanted to do but never had the opportunity to.

I count myself fortunate to even have the option of doing something like that.

Given that I was laid off from EA yesterday, I took the day to focus and buckle down on job searching, paperwork, and program refreshing.  Ie: be responsible.

Who am I & what have I done with the old me?

I promise I’m not getting boring.  I guess this is what happens when you get older.

Unsaid

Once upon a time, you could read about the multitude of dates that I went on.. the laundry list of a rotation, tons of events, etcetera etcetera.
Things have changed, yet remain the same. Perhaps I’m getting boring with age. Or perhaps I’m just.. tired. Plain tired of the drama involved.

I’m at a place in my relationship where it really would take someone epic to pull me away completly. He may not have been the man of my dreams in the shallow realm.. but for how he is inside.. he’s the man I’ve always dreamt about.

Some things were said yesterday about me.. about this “vision” of me.. that I agree with to an extent, but don’t in others. Assumptions about my character, about my choices of suitors, and, worst of all, the company I keep…

It got to me. It shouldn’t have gotten to me.

I think there’s more to be said in the unsaid than in whats spoken. If people read between the lines a bit and didn’t wear blinders they might get real sights of the composition of someone- of that inner persona within.

I got a bad taste of me. I got a bad taste of that person. I got a bad taste of how people are.

Today I pledge myself to be quiet more.

Today I pledge to take a step outside from myself and take a step inside of myself.

Today I shall devote my spare moments to self reflection.

Today I pledge to read a book this month, and put a couple of hours a day aside to write my own.

Today I pledge to erradicate myself from associating with garbage people.

Today I’m going to take a deep breath and remember that I have everything I will ever need inside of me.

Today I’m going to wear my boyfriends shirt to work.

I wish it was the weekend. I’d go to the beach.

Because progress is sometimes made with baby steps… but the thing you don’t realize is that it might actually be a huge step incognito.

The on the market sign is fading into the background. I’m tired of all the drama.  I just want to go home to my boy and forget the rest of the world exists.  The day won’t go fast enough.. it’s never enough.

Hopefully tonight will be full of mini golf and batting cages.. of reminiscing about childhood and making memories.  And if not, well.. we shall just see.