Excerpts & Prose: 2.17.9

1.

And now to make myself  “Unattainable”

in hopes of the day that you will inevitably return.

if only for another first chance at the dream.

——

2.

You’re looking so hard at the tree, but you’re missing the forrest.

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Relevance? Unknown

I had.. the most bizarre dream last night.

And you were there.

And so were you.

I don’t remember all of it.

Hell, I don’t remember much of it.

Is it odd for an atheist to pray?

Isn’t a thought released to the air really just the same thing?

What is a prayer exactly?

Another time.

Another story?

This one is just about a wish.

Yes, yet another wish.

Because if you can’t dream it, you can’t realize it.

If you can’t realize it, you can’t actualize it.

If you don’t know what you want, your odds of getting it.. well, they just aren’t as likely.

A discussion with my roommate last night bid some inner reflection.

I was exhausted.  Yesterday was a long one.  But even when my body begged me to stop, I just kept going.

I had to ride out the storm.

I had to punish myself so I knew when I was finally there that I’d deserved it.

But I deserve everything along the way too.

The heartache.

The pain.

The levity.

The letdown.

Talking.  More and more talking.

I’m fortunate enough to be surrounded by such a wonderful support group.

“The thing was.. over the past months you were with him, you grew up immensely.  He, on the other hand, just remained the same.  If anything, he regressed.”

My head is…

I’m so…

~L.

the grip

Mr Parker

the panther

etcetera. etcetera.

There’s alot you don’t know… that you’ll never know.

“I think you’re reaching far too low than you should be.  You are worth so much more than you have been giving yourself credit for.” said another good friend, regarding business affairs.

But the statements…

“Women seem to have it either one extreme or the other.  It’s either full fledged all out full of themselves intensity or no self esteem at all.”

Potential.

Love.

Success.

Dreams.

I was about to go to sleep when he messaged me.  He just won’t let me let him go.

“Is there ever a time when you’re not amazing?”  I asked him.

But that’s yet another story.

I “prayed.”

I wished.

I dreamed.

And you were there.

And so were you.

I don’t remember all of it.

Hell I don’t remember much of it.

I couldn’t see faces.  I can only remember one name.  I’m not even sure if it was the person in the dream.

I remember very little.  But what pieces I do, I remember vividly.

I was sitting across the table from a gentleman.

He asked me:

Why couldn’t I be your first choice? Why am I not your first choice?”

And I said:

“You already are. You always were.”

And then I woke up.  I tried to remember more of the dream.  I couldn’t.  It was driving me batty.

I forced myself to get back to sleep, determined and vigilant to uncover the subliminal messages underlying within.

I remember one name:

yours, Mr Parker.

Even still, I’m not sure.  I woke up again.

No answers.

Just stillness.

Is it odd for an atheist to pray?

Isn’t a thought released to the air really just the same thing?

I just kept going.

I had to ride out the storm.

I dragged myself out of bed.  I saw Mr Parker online.

“You should call me.  I miss your voice or something.”

“Or something… ” he said, as if he already knew.

…Or something…

I drove to work.  The words stirred in my head.  Everything about last night.  Everything about this morning.

I pulled into my spot and went to walk upstairs.  I lifted my eyes up and there you were.

What’s the meaning of all of this?  I’m unsure.

No answers.

Just stillness.

I have to keep going.

I have to ride out the storm.

The War

Something happened yesterday that I won’t be getting into this posting. Something happened that I will however.

The ball dropped. Was it the other shoe?

For reasons unknown

For reasons I’d like to believe in

I know that I’m going to be alright.

The number 4 is now a prominent figure.. fading in and out like a neon sign on a dive bar.

But trinity would be close behind. As the rise and fall of one gasp of the fourth seems to not know for sure if they indeed want to be a contender.

There’s a war going on inside my head.

One of passion and desire. One of things I cannot say. One that I’ve said to a handful of people.

I walk alone.

In the distance, the quiet roar of the freeway. The rain drops on me and all I want to do is lay in bed.

But I can’t.

I have to get up. I have to move out of my comfort zone.

I have to find the right path that will lead me…

to you?

to you?

to you?

to you?

to me?

I’m being haunted even in my daydreams. Driving around. I see reoccurances of the same car. Your car. Perhaps it’s coincidence.

But then it’s followed by yet another sign.

Of 444’s and hope…

Destiny. Fate. Someone is watching over me. I’m in the right place. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

There’s a war going on inside my head.

One of passion and desire. One of things I cannot say. One that I’ve said to a handful of people.

I walk alone.

In the distance, the quiet roar of the freeway. The rain drops on me and all I want to do is lay in bed.

But I can’t.

I have to get up. I have to move out of my comfort zone.

I have to find the right path that will lead me…

Illegible.

Did I ever tell you that I write notes everywhere?

In between the spaces.

So mundane that like time, so many people forget.

But therein lies a secret

That

They

Fail

To

See.

Forever encased

In awe and wonder

Evermore for its simple complexity.

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