It’s just a prick…

The brightly colored large tacks that hold up my French prints have been falling off mysteriously.  I’m not sure as to why exactly.  They’ve been on the walls months.  It’s only been starting recently.

Perhaps gravity is setting in and the weight is pulling on them.

Perhaps it’s something else entirely.

But when another tack and picture fell he instinctively went to fix it.

My room is still in shambles from the Holiday activities.  You didn’t think that just because I’ve been off the radar meant I’d become a nun did you?

It had been a romantic evening.  Dinner and then a moonlit walk on the pier.  It hadn’t been completely perfect, but it was damn near that way.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.  After everything with Mr Parker.. of saying my goodbyes and throwing pennies to the air on New Years.

Polyamory.

Sometimes it’s.. not the greatest experience for my lovers, specifically for him.

We were about to lay in bed.  We looked up.  He noticed the line print fall.  It was the second one to fall this week.  He went to fix it.  I told him not to worry about it.  He was trying to be a gentleman.

Disastrous.

He fished around the clothes near the side of the bed looking for the brightly colored tack.  He didn’t find it.

He found something else.

That.

And there was a moment of silence as he picked it up off the floor and looked up at me.

“I always get up afterwards and go to the bathroom.”

I couln’t breathe.  For a moment there, despite my honesty, I was worried that I’d blown it.

“It’s probably from one of our multiple sessions.  I’m sure it’s nothing.  Don’t worry about it.”

He went to the bathroom and threw it away.  The silence was deafening.  I hung my head a little lower.

Please don’t tell me I ruined it.  Please don’t tell me I ruined it. Please don’t tell me..

I…

ruined…

it.

Fuck.

I did didn’t I?  God damnit.

To be continued…

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day afters

I don’t regret this weekend. I probably should. But I don’t have a conscious. Or maybe I just don’t have a big enough heart.

Do I care about the grip? Without question. And he always knew this day was going to come. But when things heated up I didn’t know what to do. In the moment of “put up or shut up,” I went to what I knew best..

George Peppard: “I don’t want to put you in a cage, I just want to love you.”

Audrey: “Same thing.”

-Breakfast at Tiffanys

Maybe that point of monogamy was coming. Maybe I was getting closer to feeling less trapped.. I wanted things to go towards that happily ever after. I don’t think I’m as ready as I thought. My focus, had turned inwardly.

In the next coming weeks, there will be some blogs actually defining my experiences with polyamory, and how these relationships work and fail.

I’m not sure exactly if this one has failed. It would be my accord if it did.

Is there a such thing as cheating when you’re in an open relationship? I don’t understand, yet at the same time, I was stupid into not seeing this coming. So much for being open and discussing things.. about being honest with my actions, while having emotions attached.

I’m a bit lost. Do I feel my behavior was wrong? Yes and no. I made no promise of anything other than nothing. Day to day. I just wanted to let things happen. Perhaps I’m broken. Perhaps I’m not.

Honesty is the best policy? Communication is key?

Is it all bullshit?

I really hope that I haven’t lost him. I’m worried about him. I just am at a loss for words here.