December 10th, 2006

The day after.

I was reminded of this in a conversation before work.

December 9th, 2006:

I knew my marriage was over before then.

But never in a million years did I believe I could have married a monster.

Everytime I enter into anything serious, it’s in the back of my mind.

I feel as if I were a toxin.

I bring the best out of people.

I bring out the worst.

The evening before was the most horrific event of my life.

My husband was moving my things upstairs.

Separation full and complete.

As best as we could while still living together at least.

I cried.

I didn’t know what was about to happen though.

He set up my desk in the other room upstairs.  He stood there and looked at me.

We hadn’t had sex in months.

He looked across at me with dead eyes.

I asked “Are you doing this because you really love me and want the best for me.. even if it’s not you?”

Then he kissed me.

I asked him “Why are you doing this? Do you love me ?  Do you love me?”

He pushed me against the wall, pulled down my pants and put himself inside me.

I told him, “No.  I only want to have this with love.   Do you love me? Do you love me?”

He continued.

Put me on the floor and kept going until I put my hands over my face, curled into a ball and cried.

I was reminded of that night this morning.

I could visualize it and relive it.

The sound.

The quiet.

The tears.

I fell apart that night.

I was a doe in headlights.

The person I was supposed to trust with everything.  The man I gave my life to… been vulnerable with… bore children with…

violated me in the worst way possible.

I was an absolute mess back then.

He stopped and went downstairs.

When I asked why he did that, he said “Because I wanted to have sex and figured you did too.  But that was all it was.. I don’t love you…and didn’t want to complicate things”

December 10th, 2006:  The day after.

I’d seen this piercing on one other person online.  It wasn’t common.  I previously had nothing done beyond my ears.

I thought it looked like tears.

I vowed after that night that I would never let anyone make me feel like I did that night.  I wasn’t going to cry anymore.

And that’s why I have my antibrow pierced.

It was a cheers to my new found independence… to the struggles I have been through… to the tears that I’ve cried. I’m stronger now. They’re not going to weigh me down.

It is my visual reminder of where I’ve been.  Of the roads I walked.  Of poor decisions.  Of finally making the right decisions.

Of steps forward.

Of steps back.

Of steps towards a future of opportunities.

Perhaps it wasn’t so bad I was reminded about this this morning.  Because it wasn’t until that day that I remembered how much it was to feel alive.  How I was never going to deal with that shit again.

Perhaps… it’s time to push myself even harder again and remember that day of strength.

Chase me.

It’s that time of the year. The season of trips and comings and goings. It’s a nonstop fest of go go go. But if by chance your dance card isn’t completly full this year, and you want to catch up with me.. here’s just a few things coming up on my schedule:

Wed-December 10th 7-10pm:

Microsoft Startup Zone, in partnership with Stephanie Agresta and Brian Solis of The TechSet, is hosting this event bringing together the tech innovators in Southern California to celebrate the launch of BizSpark, a new program for those who contribute to a dynamic ecosystem that helps startups flourish. Join us at Beso in Hollywood for free hors d’oeuvres and drinks, and have the chance to network with some of the most influential technologists around. Some of the hottest startups in town will be around to showcase their products. Also, all attendees can participate in a “twitter raffle” to win an XBox 360 Elite.

Pending attendees can sign up here on the Eventbrite invitation. And if you can’t make it to this one, there will be one coming up in San Francisco. So don’t worry bay area innovators- there’s more than enough coming your way too, even if it doesn’t mean a spot on Lalawag this round.

I’m pretty sure that I will be fashionably late to this event as it’s the day to get my crack, erm comic book fix. But don’t worry, I shall indeed be there unless I run over my cat again.

December 11th 5-11pm:

On Thursday, December 11th from 5:00pm to 10:00pm, the Digital Family Reunion (DFR) is bringing the Southern California technology and business communities together for the holidays at the Skirball Cultural Center. In association with some of the region’s top trade associations and social networking groups, the DFR is throwing the holiday party of the millennium… so far! The DFR will reignite old relationships, spark new ones, and set the stage to kick off 2009 with a bright new start.

Inviting early adopters and legacy participants of the Internet 1.0 and today’s digitally apt Internet 2.0 tube dwellers, the DFR will create the optimum conditions for these generations to synergize with one another and inspire opportunities that will serve our industries, our region, and our society at large. Attendees will include leaders from all the major industry sectors such as media, entertainment, finance, publishing, venture funding, software, commerce, education, and many more.

This event is hosted by personal friends of mine. The crew from Digital LA has a track record of throwing some of the best parties in LA. They’re a classy but balls to the wall crowd. You will most definately be missing out if you don’t attend this one. You can find out more about the event and get tickets here as they’re bound to be selling out fast.

December 15th 7-11pm:

Get ready for our Digital LA Holiday Party! It’s time to digitally deck the halls of the appropriately-colored Green Door club in Hollywood. And chill with your digital friends for the holidays! Relax with drinks in the French-inspired Victorian lounge. Dance to our special holiday DJ mix. Don’t forget to ask for our Holiday Digital Drink special.

This event goes on once a month and I’m a regular attendee. So if I happen to miss you at this one, there are more opportunities to catch me at his events. So come on out, buy me a drink and meet some buisness contacts in the process. Sign up here and hope to see you there.

December 17th 7-10pm:

The holiday season has arrived! Since gamers know the importance of having a good time and staying young at heart is an important part of life. No child should ever be denied that right. Gaming communities, companies and players alike have decided to come together in the spirit of the season to give back to the little ones.

On December 17th, Gamers United is bringing together some the elite to host a toy-drive social for the Marine Corps’ Toys for Tots program. To be a part of this special party you must do two things. One, RSVP. Two, bring a new, unopened toy to gain entry to the soiree. Simple.

With the combined forces of the ECA, Gamer Vixens, Mimoco, Gaming Angels, Pwned and more, the children will not be disappointed.

There’s something about giving that makes feel all warm and fuzzy.  So what better way then to celebrate the holidays then giving back to our community?  If that wasn’t a good enough reason to attend, add to it those intelligent, awesome, and gorgeous women of the LA gaming scene.  Did you miss meeting someone at the Girls in Tech event last week? Here’s another opportunity to do so and help some less fortunate kids have a Christmas too.  So take some time aside, and RSVP here to come on out to this event.

and last but not least perhaps you can make a double header for this night…

December 18:

choice a)

Only a fool would miss The Mother of All Karaoke Christmas parties as we’re taking over On the Rox at The Roxy theatre, closing it to the public and LIVEStreaming the whole damn party! If you want to be “Internet Famous” here’s your chance.

The NY Tech/Media people think they can out party AND out sing LA, so we’re going to throw the biggest most ridiculous Karaoke Christmas party ever and LiveStream the show to the NY tweeps and all over the Web.

LA Tech, Entertainment, and Media come out and represent. Even if you don’t sing, come for the party.

Now this event is sure to be a blast- as my friend Francisco Dao will be dressing up in an Elvis costume.  It’s also being sponsored by Techzulu. Hopefully a few of the NY brat pack will come on out and see how exactly the tech crowd out  here gets things done.

choice b)

Mindshare is a monthly event which was created to serve as a platform for networking and the sharing of ideas across a wide range of fields.

The evening consists of presentations, food, drink, art and music, within the ambiance of a stunning loft outside of downtown LA. Founded in 2006 by alum of Art Center, RISD, Caltech, Claremont and Stanford, Mindshare works to foster a sense of community within this vast city.

Now, sadly I haven’t gone to one of these yet.  I really shouldn’t be saying that out loud or I’m likely to be flogged with a stick of string cheese or something.  However,  every single person that I know that has gone has had nothing but great things to say about it.  A friend of mine even met the guy she’s been seeing there.

It makes the 18th a very tough call.. and I may have to hit both of them.  Either way, you’re night is sure to be one to remember.  Rsvp here for karaoke and here for Mindshare.

I hope I see everyone at some of the events!  Back to the 9-5 now though.