A dark horse and a dark knight

Today was another day of virtual unplugging.  Three nights of partying.  Two major social media events, and one friend’s birthday party.

I really didn’t want to drink much yesterday.  I sipped on Bailey’s and Lambic.  Smoked cigarettes and was not my normal socialite self.  I did talk, but it wasn’t the same.  And although a handful of people at last nights party were friends, many were plastic.  It just wasn’t my scene.

I messaged the dark horse and Big.  Big’s response was silent.. as normal.  He had sent a response at the last party- agreeing with me.  But nothing last night.

The dark horse was my escape.  We exchanged texts for a few minutes before he passed out.  He really is.. genuine.

My best friend called while at the party.  She’d gotten into a car accident.  The police, after looking at the wreckage of her Camry, said she should have died.  A tear ran down my cheek.  I was ready to go home.

There was a burlesque dancer and the party was raging.  I wished that I could have enjoyed it more.  But my mind was far away.. on a million other things.

Dan sobered up and we left the party.  I insisted that the beach be on the agenda before a planned trip with friends to see Batman at the IMAX.

The beach is a cleansing experience for me.  In a spiritual sense.. in a physical sense.  It is my zen.  And it was overdue.

I took all digital means and parked them.   I didn’t care that it was a bit overcast.

“You don’t have to go in you know..”

“Yes I do.”

I walked straight into the waves.  The water was cold but it felt… this is what I’ve been waiting for.

The tide was high and surfers were out.

“I need to get a surfboard and kill that phobia of mine.”

One of these days.  And I began to compile a list of things to buy.  Bodyboard.  Wetsuit.  Yoga mat.  Surfboard.  Bottoms that don’t get pulled off my bottom with each wave.  A few new tops. Rollerblades.  Etcetera.

The tide got worse and all the swimmers got out of the water.  I laid down on the blanket freezing.  Ah, beach.  Siesta.

And my roommate and I just laid and chat a bit.

“What else do we have to do after this?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?!”

“Well besides Batman and nom.  Yeah the whole day is open for whatever.  Doesn’t that feel great?”

The workaholic in me wanted to say no.  The workaholic in me did say no.  But as I laid there with the smell of the ocean and soft beach below me… nothing else mattered.  Zen.  Sweet zen.

“I really hope one of these days one of your boyfriends will bring you to the beach so they can see that smile of yours.. well and how cute you look in a swimsuit.”

I blushed a bit.

“Bah I need to work out a bit.”

We had Indian for lunch.  It was either that or sushi.  We were going to flip the douchebag business card for the decision again.  After days at the beach, I crave seafood.  It’s part of the whole experience.

We arrived at the Imax in the promenade shortly after a few more texts with the dark horse.  I have a date in Portland with a hooker.  I’ll save a bit and visit as soon as I can.

The birthday girl and her boyfriend both were hungover.  The party last night had gone on for a few hours after we’d left.  (Oh, I have tenative plans with the dj this week.)

I could go on and on about the movie itself.  I grew up on it.  But what hit me the most about it was that this was the first Batman movie I had not seen with my dad.  The whole time I watched it, I thought of my dad… some of the quotes that he taught life lessons were from this imaginary hero.

A few months ago I had a conversation with a friend about the difference between Batman and Superman.  Superman was a this golden boy who had the good life all handed to him.  Batman, while also having a bit of a silver spoon, was more defined.  He’s a man of many layers.. of a dark past and even darker present.  Superman was not a super man.  Batman however, was.  In the literal and figurative sense.. because he made himself out to be.

I think it’s probably for these reasons that my dad- who to this day still buys comic books once a week, favored Batman and Spiderman over the overhyped blue caped god.  In essence, he wanted to emulate him.

For once, I was not the ten year old girl with pigtails in that theatre.  Sure I had pigtails on.. I was at the beach earlier.  But part of me was amiss.

My dad… his legacy.

And I held back some tears.

I knew my friends would understand if they knew, but I needed those moments…

I swallowed some air and held onto my phone.

This is a whole new life that’s starting.  It’s… and… and… I just wish he would approve of it.

I called when the movie was over to try to talk to him.

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring… answering machine.

Maybe my dad is the real imaginary hero of the story after all.  Silly me in believing otherwise.  I wish he would grow up and see that his daughter is a grown woman who is going to sometimes do things he may not agree with, but that make her very happy.

And now, if you will excuse me, I have to dig out a Batman launcher out of this box of Cocoa Puffs and then maybe hit the Pac Man machine down the street…

Dear Daddy

Dear Daddy,

I know that you don’t always understand me. I know that you don’t always care for me. But I know at the end of the day you love me.

Today is your day. And for years.. it’s always been your day.

My wedding day.. was your day. The day my first child was born… your day. When I got married and had that picket fence… went about the lifestyle choices that I thought were what you’d always wanted for me… what you taught me to always strive to attain… I looked back in the rearview mirror and smiled.

I always hoped that you would be proud of me for more than just one day. It seems no matter how much I push myself, it’s never good enough for you. In a twisted sort of way, I’m thankful that you thought enough of me to do that. I know that part of the reason I’m so drawn to the men that I am, is because I find traits of you in them.

Dear daddy.. I know you know more than you should. But my business is my business. This barely conserns you. I know that you are worried about me. I know that you want good things for me. I know that you think your way is the best way.

But it’s not the way for me. It’s not what I want.

So for the first time in my life…

I’m going to do something I know will disappoint you.

I’m going to say goodbye.

I need to do this. I will do whatever I have to. And I’m going to do it without your help… without your blessing. I’ve learned.. that I really shouldn’t need it. That part of being a grown up, is standing up to people and doing what you believe to be right. I have done it to most everyone in my life so far.. lovers, friends, aquaintences, business colleges, etc… but I have never really done it to you.

The time of being a scared little girl in pigtails is over now. It’s changing. I’m a grown woman now. And I’m strong because of me.. because of you.. because of the choices that have hardened me. I think this is one of those choices.

Dear daddy

I will miss the times you made me laugh.. made me smile… made me feel like I was something special to you. And if part of me is hoping that perhaps someone someday may find me special too… I think.. I know that’s natural.

Dear daddy

I’ve learned to control the switch. I’ve learned so much over the years. You tell me that it’s ok to be me.. but then you tell me there must be something wrong with me. But there’s nothing wrong with me being an individual.. I’m unique just like everyone else.

Dear daddy

I know that when a lover calls me a “pain in the ass” I must be doing something right. Why? Because I know how much you love me, and you still say that. And I know I’m a difficult pill to swallow.

Two choices…

your choice of one life that “could” be very happy in time… the conventional right one… the easy, safe choice.

Or mine… finding a way… going against the grain… to make myself happier now.. to maintain that… the difficult one.

Well dad…

you said that I always had to do things the hard way.

Guess which one I’m intending on making.

I would love and appreciate your support and respect. I honestly don’t think you have any clue what the latter is when it pertains to your daughter. If this is what it takes you to learn that… then you win. It’s not personal.. alright so it is.. the point is that it’s my business.

Now I’m working on finding the way.. with or without you.
Happy Father’s Day.

Ps- I’m not going to church with you because I’m looking for jobs where I want to live. (If anyone in Sd is hiring and reading this, pls let me know by the way)

Love,

Jena (your artistic “fuckup” daughter)