Portrait.

Well I survived suburbia again.  This time, there wasn’t a speck of drama (for me at least.)  It was a breath of fresh air.

The formalities.  All of Los Angeles should rejoice knowing that I got a GPS.  I also got a violin, some makeup, a scarf, and a couple of items of clothes.  It wasn’t a horrible haul, but I didn’t get everything I wanted.  So, I decided to get myself a little present.  I’m buying myself a Flip camera before CES.  A little present to myself for being such a good.. erm. Yeah.

My son (6) got a few things.  He went on and on about how he wanted a skooter. I made sure he got it.  And clothes.  I’ve never seen a child so grateful he got clothes.  Each time he’d open a box with some, hed smile and rave about it before rushing to his room to put it away.

I wonder…

He had a good Christmas.  Spoiled rotten between me and his grandparents.  He was happy.  I was happy.

My cousins came over later and prepared dinner.  Ethan and I played on the Wii.  His older cousins came by and joined us.  It was like no one else was there though.  Just him and his mommy.

At work we shoot off nerf guns in the office.  When the shipment comes in, there’s a line to get them.  It’s a little perk of the office.  I love my job sometimes.  It’s very relaxed there to a degree.

I decided to get a few.  One for Ethan, one for me at work, one for the grip, and one for me when I was with Ethan.

I called all my moms side of the family and a few very close friends.  If I didn’t call you, please do not take it personally.  It was a very busy day.

All he would talk about when asked.. was that nerf gun.

“Hold on a minute.  My mom’s not looking so I need to shoot her in the butt.”

I’d hear giggling one minute and the next…

I felt like I was a kid again.  That was the tone of the day.  Me and my son having a war… my dad telling us not to run around the house with them.

And it was a good great visit.

I decided to stay the night there rather than head back here to the city.  It was time for Ethan to go to bed.  I had him read me stories.  My dad came in and told him he needed to wash up.

I whispered to my son “Tell  your grandpa you’re on vacation so you should be able to stay up a little later with mom.”

He tried.

“Go wash up.  You have to go to bed.  You can play with mom a bit more in the morning.”

Ethan changed and I tucked him in.

“Snug as a bug in a rug.”

He smiled and gave me a kiss.

Dad came in.  He grabbed a stuffed monkey next to Ethan and handed it to him.  Pulled the sheets up a little bit over and kissed him goodnight.  And before I knew what was happening, he did the same for me.

Ethan giggled.

“Ha ha.  It’s time for mom to go to bed too!”

My son held me like a teddybear and we went to sleep.

It was quite frankly the best sleep I’ve had in months.

Ooops/ Wrong wrong right, episode 2

My alarm clock went off at 8am and when I went to hit the snooze, I got an im from a friend I hadn’t talked to in awhile. I’m off, so I thought.. I guess I can call him and then nap later. Whenever I talk to that friend, its never a short phone call.

I asked about how his relationship was. How work was.. all those generic normal intro questions that you have to ask when you don’t live in the same area as one of your friends.
He’s always been attracted to me. There’s always been that little area of space… the talks that just go a little bit further than they should.. because there’s a bit of sparkle somewhere… you know what I mean?

He told me that sexually he is having some issues with his current…

“basically i need someone who likes sex.. like you.”

Now, I’m a bit of a deviant. This wasn’t the first time I’ve had this talk. It won’t be the last I’m sure.. but what was said next, bothered me a bit. I didn’t know how to tell him. I know that it wasn’t meant in a bad way in his view… but um..

A nasty bitch thats not going to give a fuck..

I tiptoed around it. It wasn’t what he said completly as that it was something most people would say to a hooker.. not someone you ever truly respected. Bitch I can happily take. Nasty.. sure.. but together it makes for one abhorable statement.

The conversation progressed more…

“No is the dirtiest word that you’ll ever hear.. when it comes to sex, I don’t think you should say no.. thats the reason so many guys cheat. They cheat because there’s always going to be some girl that won’t tell them no… that will let them get away with more and more than the last.”

“Guys stay with the girl they’re with because they love them, and love their company. They stay because of the talks and conversation. Not necessarily the sex… for that, they want those other girls.”

While at the same time I can agree with him, on the other… well it’s not a pretty reality that we live in. Perhaps it’s the company I keep. Now this particular person, I know fully respects me. But the way he talks you wouldn’t know it if you didn’t know how we are together. I know that sounds like something every vagina would say when someone talks to them like that, but well… I’m not one of those weak women that tolerates crap like that.

Ladies, you’re kidding yourself if you don’t think that guys want that dirty subserviant fantasy. They want those housewife betty crocker types. But they want the slut too. Where does one find the balance? The truth is, that its an art in itself.

I believe that when it’s all said and done, there’s a fine line between what people say they will do, versus what they will actually do. I like to call it the invisible standard.

Someday perhaps I’ll meet the man who allows me to push and pull that line. I have once. The sex just gets progessively better. There’s this greater level of communication. It’s a difficult thing for people to grasp and takes some getting used to.

There are things that you want everyone to see, but there are others that you’re supposed to keep under wraps. All guys want that “leave it to beaver girl” 1957 cliche. They want the girl that you could bring home to mom… but they also want that slut at the end of the night.

So many people look so shocked when they first meet me having heard what I’ve written. I’m a tiny, sweet looking girl. You wouldn’t think at first glance that I’m actually half of what I am.

(2:55:21 PM) supernerdlady: well.. from dinner.. dont you remember my manners?
(2:55:29 PM) supernerdlady: i know it was forever ago
(2:55:41 PM) someone possibly: You were very mousy and very polite.
(2:55:43 PM) someone possibly: I remember
(2:55:48 PM) supernerdlady: mousy?
(2:56:01 PM) supernerdlady: lol idk if thats a compliment or what it was
(2:56:03 PM) someone possibly: Yeah, you seemed a bit shy
(2:56:06 PM) supernerdlady: i looked like crap that night
(2:56:11 PM) someone possibly: It’s more descriptive than anything
(2:56:31 PM) supernerdlady: i didnt know where we were going to be and didnt feel properly dressed
(2:56:37 PM) someone possibly: You looked fine.
(2:57:04 PM) someone possibly: It was a weird dinner, none the less.
(2:59:02 PM) someone possibly: I certainly didn’t expect you to be the person I know now
(2:59:13 PM) supernerdlady: really?
(2:59:18 PM) someone possibly: Yes, really.
(2:59:22 PM) someone possibly: You were very reserved.
(2:59:25 PM) supernerdlady: that doesnt sound good =/
(2:59:32 PM) someone possibly: It’s fine, it’s not a bad thing.
(2:59:47 PM) someone possibly: I’m just saying, I only knew you professionally back then.
(2:59:58 PM) supernerdlady: well im on good behavior in a professional sense
(3:00:04 PM) someone possibly: It’s not like I could have talked to you about sex after dinner, back then.
(3:00:49 PM) someone possibly: I know, I remember. I would have never made allusions to sex with you then 🙂
(3:01:12 PM) supernerdlady: neither would i tbh
(3:01:18 PM) someone possibly: I know.
(3:01:26 PM) supernerdlady: seriously [censored event name 2 years ago]?
(3:01:32 PM) supernerdlady: i looked like SHIT
(3:01:43 PM) someone possibly: You looked attractive.
(3:01:53 PM) supernerdlady: lets be frank here
(3:02:38 PM) someone possibly: And I have a decent sense of sexy… I don’t want just ANYTHING
(3:02:49 PM) someone possibly: But there was a moment I was wondering what you would have been like in bed.
(3:02:53 PM) someone possibly: Brief, but there.
(3:03:06 PM) supernerdlady: what triggered that moment?
(3:03:11 PM) supernerdlady: out of curiousity
(3:03:29 PM) someone possibly: You had a very sexy look a couple points through the dinner
(3:03:31 PM) someone possibly: hahaha
(3:03:36 PM) someone possibly: Yeah, I shouldn’t discuss what I was thinking!
(3:03:38 PM) someone possibly: lol
(3:03:47 PM) supernerdlady: oh but you should
(3:04:07 PM) someone possibly: If I do, I’ll start thinking dirty thoughts about you, getting horny…
(3:04:10 PM) supernerdlady: i learned something last year about sexy
(3:04:23 PM) supernerdlady: someone told me some of the best pieces of advice
(3:04:33 PM) someone possibly: Oh?
(3:04:39 PM) supernerdlady: he said “you’re cuter when you’re not trying”
(3:04:48 PM) someone possibly: exactly
(3:04:48 PM) someone possibly: EXACTLY
(3:04:52 PM) someone possibly: And that was it, too.
(3:05:01 PM) someone possibly: Damnit, now I’m thinking about it again.

Now granted, a couple of years ago, I was a bit different. Looking at pictures from that stage in my life, you could tell that I was censoring myself quite a bit. People who knew me before then have commented about the befores and afters of that period. I was hiding… again, another factor that’s very common when someone is abused… it’s the motions.

However, in many ways, I am still the same. I’m a vague collection of whimsy, realism, cynacism and hope. I become guarded and crafted my behaviors accordingly. I wanted to tell my stories, without having to tell my stories. Alas, I wanted the perfect movie romances that I didn’t have back then… so I made it a point to learn to manufacture them.

I think that the real draw is the subtleties. So many women are not mindful of proper ettiquette. Fundamentally, I found that strenghtening some areas was also a good thing most people seem to forget. Class? What’s that? Women seem to be first to spout off their mouths to be these visions of “Sex and the City” because they think that’s what men want. They think that’s where liberation resides. I think they’re missing a big part of the bigger picture.

Again, I look to movies graced on the silver screen. Of the golden age. Was it their subordination that drew these collosal men to them? Good breeding comes first and foremost from a certain an array of decorum. If you do not know how to behave in the most basic of areas, who is to say that you will be able to fuck as hard as you talk? Talk is cheap right?

Be mysterious.  Be direct.  But be a woman of class.  If you want your man to do all those things for you without asking.. learn to craft your words accordingly.

If u want your man to stay, u will not be more complex than you already are.. just because!

So you want those flowers or that dress?  Getting your man to get it for you isn’t as hard as you think.. just think about it outside the box.

I believe that it’s the quiet ones that you really have to watch out for. They will surprise you the most, more times than not. Perhaps that’s why I’m drawn to these artists.. the geek boys.. these.. quietly patiently waiting for their cliche woman of sitcom perfection and dysfunction.

Or maybe I’m just fucked in the head.

I thought that was against the bible, sir/ Conformity = Loyalty

Sunday evening’s ramble yesterday with family ended in dinner. Yes, believe it or not, yours truly cooked dinner and washed the dishes for a family affair. Lucky me, I got to bbq in the 100 degree weather. Woot.

It was a day full of disdain, as I wrote earlier with the rant on normalacy.

Yet again, even with a day off, we go back to work ethics. This time there was someone who was fired from her job recently in order to make room for some cheaper labor. The woman was unfortunate to have too much experience. Now I am not sure weather or not that these clients in question were ones that she’d helped the company aquire on her own accord, or not. That could make some difference to this arguement.

It was discussed in family discussion though, that the person should take their clients and branch off to do the business on her own. Which raises the eyebrow for me a bit… while the perspective previous employer may have not been the best about firing her (she still collects unemployment bc the company was gracious enough to tell the gov’t a good reason so as she would get it- per her severance), being the sensitivity of the information of the clients (medical billing), they could be within their rights to keep their clients. Or should the woman be able to walk with them? Where is the ethical line? Do NDAs (Non Disclosure Agreements) not hold any merit? Isn’t this, in a way, essentially stealing?

How is this ok behavior morally and ethically sound?

Todays debaucle.. 2 little dots.

Living in Southern California, I would think that we are a little more liberal and open minded about appearances. The West End is a cultural melting pot. It’s not uncommon to see people with facial piercings actively working with customers. Or, well it’s supposed to be more acceptable.

However, despite the fact that I live in “uppity organic indieville,” I have recently run into what my dad has secretly, and well, not very secretly hoping would happen. Ah yes, for the first time since moving to this area, I was told my facial piercing would be an issue, and would have to be removed and/or covered up in as cosmetically pleasing way possible.

My piercing holds personal weight to it. I’m not going to go into it now, but if you are close, you will know exactly what it means. In a vague nutshell, my marriage had a disastrous ending. Some things that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone happened… and I got my piercing as a representation from where I’ve come from. True, that I should not “need” it to get through what I did. However, it’s as much a part of me as any appendage is to someone… and so, when someone says “Oh just take it out, it’s no big deal.” It really is.

Conformist lemming nonsense yet again.

So how is that acceptable? You cant discriminate because of sex, religion, or sexual preference… tell me what, praytell does me having a non-offensive piercing have to do with my ability to work? How is it any different from any of the other things that companies are not allowed to not hire you for?

How is it that we have affirmative action where people get jobs SPECIFICALLY bc they are x minority but there is not anything for people like me.. or hell “worse” than me? Have we not evolved as a society enough yet? What the hell was that whole womens liberation movement about? The freeing of the slaves? The countless Religious struggles?

This country was founded by church going types. They didn’t want to be oppressed by their monarchy, yet they do the same selective biggotry here like it’s nothing. It makes sense. It is after all, one of the negative traits of organized religion* (in my experience).

It’s the same religious individuals running our gov’t and snubbing the alternative, kitsh, and otherwise

*Note-all religions are not necessarily bad. the views & insights of the writer are based on personal experiences & leave open for anyone elses personal beliefs… someone else may have had a better experience, and all the more power to them. I’d rather have positives than negatives with anything*

It’s funny that these are the ones that most frequent their dominatrix… cheat on their wives and partake in alt subcultures but prefer them to remain underground bc god forbid (pun intended) that they be exposed for the sinners they actually are.. and not these morally sound wonders beings.

Morals and ethics and selective censorship.. who makes these things up? Why are some things stuck in this teasing game of are we in, are we not 1957?

What’s good for the goose, should be for the gander… and if not, let’s force them through psychological oppression! They’ll never know the difference!