something something

ah weekends..

to the train..

to you…

To 1 letter away from being…

 H

O

M

…..e.

Wherever you are

Is where I want to be.

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Per request-

Mia: Don’t you hate that?
Vincent: What?
Mia: Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it’s necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?
Vincent: I don’t know. That’s a good question.
Mia: That’s when you know you’ve found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

That, my dears, was my weekend.  But you’re going to have to wait to hear that tale.

With that, the sound begins again.

I know that it has been awhile since I’ve done this.  So much has been going on.  But don’t fret.

I have not stopped writing- I just changed mediums for awhile.

I have not stopped dating.

I have not stopped smiling.

(Non sequitor.)

I have not died.

(Well, that part is only partially true.)

I still exist.

I guess part of what happened is, as generic as it may sound…

life.

I was walking through the art supply store yesterday waiting for my friend to be free to cut me some canvas.  I can’t remember the last time I painted.  I was inspired and felt it was time.

My weekend had been a blur.  A punch drunk fury of hours come and gone like a gust of wind.  Perhaps the rain this week washed away more than just a few dirty streets.

I think I know what I’m going to paint.

My best had to help a customer.  I found myself lost in shelves lined with magic.  I called the one person who I knew was a combination of both worlds.

“Grandma what are you doing home?  You’re supposed to be in Dwight enjoying your childhood memories.”

“Next weekend.”

“I want to have sand in my paint but I forgot what I need for that…”

“To thicken it up you need a medium.  Or you can just use oils because its thicker.”

You see, and this should not come as much of a surprise, but my grandmother… is an artist.

“Grandma I had… All I want to do right now is paint.  I want to hike and paint and watch sunrises and sunsets over the city and paint for awhile.  It’s been too long.  I have a lot on my mind.”

“I think thats wonderful.  Do you still have those brushes your aunt and I bought you years ago?”

“I do.  I’m going to have to dig them out.  I’m buying a couple of artist pallates.  I want to go to the beach and paint so I want something that if I lose I won’t be super upset about losing.”

“Buy a plastic one or get paper ones for that.  Best bet would be plastic. It’d be easy to clean.”

“Grandma, tell me about how it was to date in your time  What was that like for you.”

“I don’t talk about that.  I did date before your grandpa but I’m a very private person.”

Oh what she doesn’t know…

We walked around and talked about life.

“Why as a society are we brought up and told “Be honest. Be yourself.  Be open.” but then when you actually are, people crucify you for it… because there’s something about them that they can’t fully express and they’re envious… because you are the colorful painting and they are stuck in black and white.”

“Because people are hypocrites!” She said with a laugh.

I guess that’s part of why I took a pause.  My scrawlings, despite being vague and relatively ananomous nature have been both uplifting and the knife of the final move of my demise.  Despite my openness about this blog before I ever even enter into anything, men seem to become entransed by the words and then… when the plot really thickens and the soufle is in the oven… well, they fall short.

“Choose your words wisely.  They make or break you.”

I am not broken anymore.

I may not be that black and white picture all of the time but…

Life has been busy.  I have eased into a semi normal lifestyle believe it or not.  I have slept some wonderful nights and I have also tossed and turned with dreams of a ghost.

But those tales shall come later.

Know that I have been to hell and beyond and… it’s good to be back.  We have a lot of catching up to do my friends.  And thank you for the messages telling  me to get back to this.

More later.  But for now?  I have to get dressed.  Someone got a normal 9-5 office job downtown.  Mind boggling huh?

Cheers,

j.

Ownership

“Did I tell you once that you are the kind of girl that guys want to own?”

I paused and withdrew a bit as he continued.  As we talked, we came to many conclusions.

“Too much honesty.”

Perhaps so.  No… he’s right.  Part of the problem is that I have been too honest.  Part of the problem is that amidst my open honesty with others, I have failed in areas within myself.

Apathetic and vibrancy… the merge of introverted and extroverted.

Two worlds which coexist, but when joined can result in a transferrance of volatility, passion, and…

Understanding.

I am scrubbing away with a fever.  Despite the imperfections, they both may very well be perfect.

There is toxin in her lips.

There is toxin in his essence.

But he’s in a class all of his own.

He is on his own pedestal and hers as well, though he may not believe he is worth it.

She is one that dances in the moonlight.

She saunters in a room and doesn’t go unnoticed.

She is the rock and also the pearl hidden away deep at the bottom of the sea.

She is like the sun that brings out the sparkles of the rage of currents.

She is the calm before the storm.

He is the waves that rush upon the shore.

He is the rock along the beach.

Steady and constant, but often filled with turmoil.

He wants nothing but safe waters for the boats along his spine.

He is protective and vigilant…. he wants no one to be hurt.

He wants not to be the one to get hurt.

And these two forces, both great and mighty fight and push and pull with their toxins.

Is it a lost cause?

Perhaps the cause is that much greater…

Genuine.

Real.

Simple…

Madness.

Passionate.

Vibrant.

Worthwhile.

Letter from a gentle man

Want to know if a man really cares about you?  It’s one that I wouldn’t recommend…

It’s the little things.

Maybe you can catch what I’m referring to by looking at the picture and video below.

These were taken before and after a long night out drinking at the Orange County Yelp Elite ‘Stache Bash.

Letter from a gentleman, the night after.

Letter from a gentleman, the night after.

I am smitten and truly honored by this one dear sweet Mr.  Here’s hoping he sticks around for awhile.  I think he just might.  But I guess only time will tell.  I’m going to enjoy savor last bit of it.

Cheers and Happy Friday.

When Midnight broke

I told him he had until Midnight to see me.  And the clock chimed but he still hadn’t.

He said he tried.

I want to believe he was there.

But then there’s that whole serendipity thing.

Could we possibly have been at the same place that night and missed eachother?  The answer is yes.  There were droves of people at the screening Saturday night.  But does it excuse the other nights before where he failed to show up?

I’ve been milling around about the details for some time now.  Most people tell me to give up.

“There are too many excuses.  He isn’t showing any action.”

I wish I’d had my camcorder when we were together.  The moments captured on film would have been epic in quality.  I’ve learned that most of those most cinematic moments are when the camera isn’t running.

He once wrote me that “they say the fire that burns twice as bright burns half as long, but what a sight to see for that time.”

I wonder if that’s the case here.  If things are so far broken that they’re incapable of being repaired.

He reminded me last night that he used to call me his mermaid.  It was something silly and cheesy that was brought about when he helped me install a particular curtain above my bed.  He has referenced being in love with a mermaid in a few of his blogs.  I glossed over it and had forgotten about it.

And then it happened.

I was applying for a job over at Yelp when I stumbled upon…

My relationship with him had been open.  I was very publicly private that I had been seeing people while he was too busy with other things than for me.  I found out that he’d dated someone else while we were together and neglected to tell me.

I rationalized it to myself.

“It was fair.  I was doing the same thing.  I can’t really complain about it.”

But a part of me didn’t care for it.  He’d had such little time and yet he chose to spend it with her.

“When you slept with [redacted] I really thought it was over.  The [redacted] stuff took a lot out of me.  I was not happy.” he told me.

So why didn’t we break up then if that’s what he’d wanted?  Why press on through it?

Months passed and we still saw eachother.  I eventually gave him the monogamy that he wanted.  I was ready.  At this point however, the relationship had already stretched and gone a course into the deep end.  He had less and less time for me.  The valiant start out of the gate had slowed down.  We hadn’t made love in…

I didn’t find out about this intentionally.  I was curious when I saw he’d had some new reviews because he’d been on a road trip.  I found a comment on the compliments that upset me though- saying that he and a girl were missed at an event.  A girl with an uncommon name- also known as a mermaid.

I was livid without reason to be so.

When confronted with the information his first reaction was that she was “just a friend.” And then he finally came clean.

The clock ticked down last night.  We talked in spirts.  He never came by.

My roommate came home about 20 till midnight.  I was curious how his weekend had gone and if there was a postcard.  We talked a bit about it.  I came back and looked at the clock.  It was 12:08 and it was quiet.

He pinged me.

He persists.

We argued more and more.  Weather the mermaid he’d blogged about was actually me he was referring to or the girl.

“Would you make time for me?  Would you give me romance?”

No answers.  Ot was getting late and I needed to force myself to sleep.  I was hurt.  I layed down and went to bed.  I “prayed” that the answer of the fate of our relationship would be revealed to me.  I tossed and turned in my sleep.  I woke up at 4.

“So is that it then?”

“What’s what then?”

“I asked you questions.  You blew me off.  So it sounded like I got my answer.”

I repeated:

“Would you make time for me?  Would you give me romance?”

I went back to bed.  As I got comfortable I heard a ping.  I was stubborn and didn’t move.  I woke up a few times again but never got out of bed until he was long passed signed out.  He’d replied to me.

With the last bit of heart I had left, I wrote him an email:

When we first got together you romanced me.  You did things that were so wonderful… surprises, flowers, showed me the city.
I’d thought that was always the intention to continue.  But you stopped.

I have remnants around my room of the romance that was once there… of that man who would do everything he could to be with me.  Of the guy who took me on adventures and places and shared so many fun times with me.

I went further into detail about a few other personal things and outlined exactly what I felt needed to be accomplished if we were ever going to get that “fresh start” again.

When Midnight broke, so did a piece of me.  I know that regardless the outcome though it will be alright.

“Do you love me?  Cinderella asked the Prince.

“Would you even believe me if I said yes?” he replied.

Perhaps time will tell.

But.

“I love you but…”

is not going to be good enough for me.

It was a frustrating night last night.  Yet another night where you were not here.  This time, there wasn’t an excuse for it.

This isn’t grade school.  You can’t tell the teacher the dog ate your homework this many times and her to just give you a passing grade.

You are a grown up.

Love is a gift, not a right.

And when I give you something so very… and you say you do too, but then do things like this again

You didn’t call or message or even say you were sorry.  The fact that I had to instant message you at 3am to get a response an hour later, sans apology…

In my romantic naiveity, I want so very much to believe you when you say those three words.  I want my friends to be wrong.  I want to believe in the passion that I remember.

Memories are inherently sticky.  Those of you in the beginning… of those moments in the sun where nothing else mattered, will always make my heart tug thinking about.

“Nothing is forever.” my best friend told me.

I’m brought back to that night with Moo.  Of a discussion that continues to mean even more each day.

“Some things are meant to be legendary.”

I wonder what happened to the man I fell in love with last summer.  It is a shadow.  The season has changed.  And now, you are a ghost.

In your wake, there are questions.  I know now that it really isn’t about my wrong doings this time.

If you love someone, you move mountains for them without them asking.  You once did.

Monday morning will be tomorrow.  You will be at E3.  I’m not sure where I’ll be just yet.

This is the part in the movie where either the boy rushes to the girl…

or

or

or

I have to go to see my son. Afterward I think a drive along the coast may be in order.  Some roads you have to walk alone.  I’m to the point where that’s what I want to do.  It’s getting a bit easier each day when things like this happen.

“I love you, but…”

No.  If you love me, that word will not be in that sentence any longer.

In rememberance

Memorial Day.

The day we take the time to remember all those dear to us and lost.  A time to think about the things we once had and cherished- the things we should have cherished when we had them.

Today is not a sad day.  It’s one of looking back and also looking forward.

“I’m just a fucked up girl who’s looking for her own piece of mind.”

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been doing a lot of both.  I’ve been trying to find myself.  Where have I been?  Where am I headed?  Where do I ultimately want to be?

The grip and I have been having some major conversations lately.  It hasn’t been a secret that for some reason I keep going back to him.  What’s the reason?  It should be obvious.  I’m madly in love with him.  Today is the day I admit it.

I’ve been in other relationships in the meantime since our more semi recent breakup.  For some reason, I am just unable to connect the way I did with him.  And when it finally got to the point where it was looking more serious, I freaked.  I’ve been holding a torch for this man even when I’d been trying to get over him.

Love or stupidity?

In the heat of an argument he told me to watch a certain movie.  He said that it was exactly how we were.

I have a confession to make:

I hold grudges.  Very… specific… movie grudges.    Or three in particular.

It should not be a bit unsurprising, given my love of film and art, that I would have an argument based on movies with very specific roots only to never recover from them.

This movie was one that my ex husband and I had argued about.  I knew when it came out that it would be one of my favorites.  He not only refused to watch it- calling it artistic saccharin induced dribble… but to insult me, actually rented it and shoved it in my hands to insist I watch it alone.

I’m not/I haven’t been:

  • the greatest girlfriend.
  • Wife.
  • Significant lover.
  • Insignificant other.

It’s in realizing what you’ve lost that you can focus on what you need to do to get to where you want to be… and sometimes, that’s exactly where you were before.

The movie?  Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Sure she’s nuttier than a loon.  But for some reason… despite all of it, he loves her.  He’s the rock of stability and she’s this stream of color and chaos.  Combined, their adventures are both… “volatile and scandalous.”

The story is told through the eyes of the man, Joel who has been broken up with and soon realizes that his girlfriend has gone through an experimental procedure to have her memory of him erased.  In his frustration with her, he decides to get the process done to himself as well.

While it is going, you will see, at the start of the movie, the woman, Clementine appears to be this insane psycho.  She’s a mess.  He’s quiet and introspective with artistic tendencies.  She’s philosophical and eccentric.

As the movie progresses you see it’s quite the contrary.  They had a rich love affair, that, sure, wasn’t always perfect… but it shined.  It was magical.  And Joel realizes that he doesn’t want to forget her.

A few parts of the movie really stick out in my mind.  But this one, where they are in a house and he runs away…

HE: I wish I had stayed.

SHE: Was it something i said?

HE: Yes.  I was scared.

SHE: I’m sorry…  Joel? What if you stayed this time?

What if…

I watched the movie in revered silence.  As I recommend that you do as well.  Think about the courses of actions that you take.  Think about the memories you are building your future on.

SHE: It’s almost over.  What do we do?

HE: Enjoy it.

I screwed things up before.  I made the wrong choices.  I need to make them right this time.

I’m not/I haven’t been:

  • the greatest girlfriend.
  • Wife.
  • Significant lover.
  • Insignificant other.

Against much resistance and turmoil, I’m going to give this one more try.  I may be an idiot, but there have been crazier things that have happened before in the name of love…. So this should be nothing.  Nay.  It isn’t.  It’s more than that.  It’s the first real, unselfish something I’ve done in a long time.

Here’s hoping for a happy ending… with a new beginning.

It’s in realizing what you’ve lost that you can focus on what you need to do to get to where you want to be… and sometimes, that’s exactly where you were before.  Never to be taken for granted ever again.