Feelin’ Fine

Time: current

On April 15th I started a post regarding the concept of modern romance.  Like so many things, it was never published.  All that was written was the following line:

I have resolved that there is no such thing as a modern romance…. or that maybe there is, but it’s not the way that you might picture it.

Months later, I have found that statement to be so very very true… and also wrong.

For those of you that follow my more regular blog- Little Girl, Big City, you know that I’ve been writing posts on Fridays in tune with another tune “It’s Friday and I’m in Love“.  Each story has been a memory of a time where…

But it really never was.

Until now.

I’m a fraud.

I’m a phony.

I’m Los Angeles.

But I’m the real kind.

And I’m fucking upset right now.  This post… is probably going to upset someone.  That sucks.  I almost don’t want to post it.  But it sucks and it upsets me and I’m going to fucking do it anyway.

I thought about how in the past I’ve hidden the pain.  How over time I’ve found ways to navigate through seemingly disaffected.

He and I talked about how the world wants and will only accept you to be one way.  About how good it feels to be validated with our social posts… but in reality people aren’t real.

“No one is writing stuff about how they wanted to buy a bunch of bullets at walmart and just…”

And even that statement, cut off as it were says quite a bit as well about everything.

I’ve hid behind glitzy walls to find that, while a well dressed suited persona is fantastic on the outside… the stuff that really matters is the heart on the inside… the little moments bbq’ing in the park with friends… the clinked glasses… the quiet moments that…

And then it happened.

I wasn’t expecting it.  I wasn’t looking for it.  It found me.. it found the both of us… and it scared the crap out of me.

I stumbled across the most wonderful man to enter my being in such a long time.  It was more than just carnal attraction.  It was…

But now I’m supposed to write an update that things are just fine.  I’m supposed to walk around my neighborhood like everything is fine.  Like nothing ever happened.  That nothing bad ever happens.

Because that’s what they teach you in today’s society.  Because that’s how they tell you that you should be when things are less than fantastic.  Because….

I’m a fraud.

I’m a phony.

I’m Los Angeles.

But I’m the real kind.

And I’m fucking upset right now.