There were two meetings for coffee yesterday. One was with a friend/business associate, the other was with a friend/former business associate.
Quite frankly both of those meetings were exceedingly important to me.
With things making a turn for the worst with Mr, and well… the quest for a 9-5 still ongoing, the interludes were… pretty helpful for me.
That is, until I blinked for a moment.
Yesterday, after coming home from coffee and folding cranes, we turned the corner to see the lot where my truck had been parked previously, was now empty.
A new business had opened on the corner… a medical marijuana dispensary. The lot had transients outside and was newly painted. I should have moved it sooner. I didn’t and it was my own damn fault.
We’d known that it was going to happen, but could do nothing about it.
I don’t feel unsafe here, but in a way… I am really not happy that it went up.
Why?
Because my truck is gone.
I wish it were not true. But unfortunately, it is.
I called about it. It’s been gone longer than I thought. I was told that by my roommate it had been gone over a week. I was so busy that I hadn’t noticed.
I got a call from a friend in [redacted] last week- “Come visit me. I’m in town.”
I went down there for a day and a half. I went to close that door and take a big look into my past/present.
An hour into the visit with the best friend I had there, he says
“When are you getting your passport?”
He took me to all the things that we used to do back then. A movie, dim sum, jamba juice, tacos. He offered to take me out for drinks and I declined.
It was another life… an easy button that I just didn’t want to press.
Dad always said I did things the hard way.
He reminded me of what little it took to…
I wasn’t really happy back then.
I wasn’t happy in my marriage.
And as good as he had been to me… there was something missing with everything else about that relationship that it just never could go past that “friend zone.”
There wasn’t passion.
There wasn’t a deep intellectual connection and a firey desire for…
I realized that I may have only experienced that a couple of times in my lifetime, and one was not my marriage. It was not with the grip.
I knew the difference and I could feel it. What’s worse is that I worry I may have squandered the chance at that something amazing with…
The night there was even harder on me. I told him when I went down there that I wanted (despite his efforts) nothing “of that nature” with anyone and… well if I did have that, I wanted to explore that with Mr… whenever the time may be that..
The next day I drove to the ocean. I said my goodbyes. He says he wants to visit me here in LA. He may be serious. He may not be. It’s not something that I’m really thinking about as much as I thank him for being my friend… and miss that part of him. I know it will never be though. I know that what I want is something… far greater and “unattainable.”
I was cleaning my room last night trying to get my mind off of things. It’s just a truck and in the end, it really shouldn’t matter… but that piece of shit meant something to me.
In cleaning the slate, I thought about things him. The way I’d acted before… the time that’s passed.
I know what I did wrong. In the rush of things… first his interest and my want to take things slow to get to know him better… to my rushing…
I got silly and stupid and carried away.
I know that I have done wrong and hope that that chance isn’t completely gone. I think it moved way too fast, and am hoping that Mr and I can get back to that point before all of the shit really started coming about.
It never fully felt like it was just a friendship to me, even when it was. I think that deep down, we both knew something was there… and frankly it scared the crap out of me too.
It has resorted to petty silly arguing and what not.. it’s just is not what either of us wanted when we first entered into it. All I wanted was a sidekick to share in my adventures. We didn’t want any problems… and really there should never have been.
I’ve thus, elected myself to be free of relationships and romantic interludes until further notice. With one exception: I don’t want to give up on him just yet. I’m not expecting it to happen anytime soon or even at all. But, who knows what’s in the cards?
I am reminded why I was hesitant to really getting into anything after all of the stuff that’s happened in my past. Call me sour grapes or call me cautious.
I am also reminded that my collection of friends is diverse and, well apparently I like to do quite a bit that it seems many aren’t up for. Maybe I’ll meet some new people along the way. Maybe I won’t.
And while I’m happy that I met him… even if it doesn’t work out to…
It’s going to be ok.
I know that I am fully whole. I don’t need someone to complete me. I may be alone on many of my adventures, but at the same time, I don’t think its a complete bad thing.
So if you see me at roller derby Saturday, come say hello. But otherwise, I’ll be off on my own exploring this city though no longer occasionally in a vintage truck.
One day at a time.
I’ve found that it’s really the only way to fly.
And maybe someday I will meet a bird that will perch with me… if even for a short moment.
Here’s hoping that when I do, it’s you that’s there by my side.
But if not, well…
I am an Enigma 