The day after.
I was reminded of this in a conversation before work.
December 9th, 2006:
I knew my marriage was over before then.
But never in a million years did I believe I could have married a monster.
Everytime I enter into anything serious, it’s in the back of my mind.
I feel as if I were a toxin.
I bring the best out of people.
I bring out the worst.
The evening before was the most horrific event of my life.
My husband was moving my things upstairs.
Separation full and complete.
As best as we could while still living together at least.
I didn’t know what was about to happen though.
He set up my desk in the other room upstairs. He stood there and looked at me.
We hadn’t had sex in months.
He looked across at me with dead eyes.
I asked “Are you doing this because you really love me and want the best for me.. even if it’s not you?”
Then he kissed me.
I asked him “Why are you doing this? Do you love me ? Do you love me?”
He pushed me against the wall, pulled down my pants and put himself inside me.
I told him, “No. I only want to have this with love. Do you love me? Do you love me?”
Put me on the floor and kept going until I put my hands over my face, curled into a ball and cried.
I was reminded of that night this morning.
I could visualize it and relive it.
I fell apart that night.
I was a doe in headlights.
The person I was supposed to trust with everything. The man I gave my life to… been vulnerable with… bore children with…
violated me in the worst way possible.
I was an absolute mess back then.
He stopped and went downstairs.
When I asked why he did that, he said “Because I wanted to have sex and figured you did too. But that was all it was.. I don’t love you…and didn’t want to complicate things”
December 10th, 2006: The day after.
I’d seen this piercing on one other person online. It wasn’t common. I previously had nothing done beyond my ears.
I thought it looked like tears.
I vowed after that night that I would never let anyone make me feel like I did that night. I wasn’t going to cry anymore.
And that’s why I have my antibrow pierced.
It was a cheers to my new found independence… to the struggles I have been through… to the tears that I’ve cried. I’m stronger now. They’re not going to weigh me down.
It is my visual reminder of where I’ve been. Of the roads I walked. Of poor decisions. Of finally making the right decisions.
Of steps forward.
Of steps back.
Of steps towards a future of opportunities.
Perhaps it wasn’t so bad I was reminded about this this morning. Because it wasn’t until that day that I remembered how much it was to feel alive. How I was never going to deal with that shit again.
Perhaps… it’s time to push myself even harder again and remember that day of strength.