Career Ambitions & Wishes: To work on this game

photo courtesy of Electronic Arts & Kotaku

photo courtesy of Electronic Arts & Kotaku

This right here.. it makes me smile like you wouldn’t believe.   It slipped my mind prior to this year that one of my most beloved favoritist game titles of all time.. based on well one of my most beloved favoritist books of all time was made by the company I work for.

Needless to say, ever since I read the writeup on Kotaku yesterday afternoon (fashionably late to the news as per usual), there has been a smile plastered on my face, and a hope in my pocket.  It would be but a dream come true to assist in making this dreamworld as purely astonishing as the last one.

My days at Electronic Arts have been… I am learning so much and am surrounded by so very many brilliant minds.  I am but a small cog.  But a proud little cog.

For those that do not know, I am a game tester at Electronic Arts Los Angeles.  I realize that tieing both my professional and personal writings here is dangerous.  But this is who I am.

Games have been my passion ever since I can remember.  My first memory is actually of video games.   My everyday is filled with that world.  Of something that I do so much, it’s embedded into me.

It is among the things I dream of.  As real as snittermittens and frofflepops.  Of cows that produce Hawaiian Punch and a rainbow in the sky of skittles that you can actually taste.

I have many ideas and many a passion.  I fear, not all of it has been written yet.  I know  now that it must be.

Seeing this project at the same time my eyes really became open to finally just do all of mine bid me to write the following succinct letter in response:

Dear boss man up there in Redwood or wherever makes the decisions..

I implore you-hire within please, and move me up.

I would give up my soul for a place on the team working on this game.

Have dougnut. Will trade.

kk thnx bai

Kindest Regards,

Jennifer Stavros

jstavros@iamanenigma.com

Random factoids: Marine edition

courtesy of sexyoutofcontext, tumblr

courtesy of sexyoutofcontext, tumblr

Random factoids o’ Jena:

I have always had a fascination in all things underwater and scientifical. My favorite animals are octupi and seahorses. I find them to be creations of magic and wonderment that somehow managed to make it into reality, as if by mistake.

I’ve milled over getting tatoos of them many times. I currently do not have any tattoos, which also shocks people upon hearing. I haven’t ruled it out yet. There is still more than enough time for it. So who knows, right?

I love the ocean so very much that at one point I also considered being a marine biologist. My father told me later that one of the best schools in the country for that is in San Diego.. so regardless of which career choice (I’ve known I’ve wanted to be in entertainment since I was born.) I’d made, I was destined to live there someday.

Ah San Diego, my home… how I miss you so.

And my dearest ocean? It’s been days. Let’s make a date alright?

Postcards: Brainerd, Minnesota

Coming home from work today at a haven of corporate technology, I found it quite ironic to receive a postcard from a place called: Brainerd, Minnesota

Brain

Nerd

I’m a bit odd I suppose.

But that wasn’t all of the nearly perfect timing.

The card was from a 40 year old mother of two teenagers named Gina.  She is formerly from the OC.  I wrote her a reply to ask her how she came to Brainerd after living in Orange county and am awaiting her reply.

On her card was the following quote:

“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; Define yourself.” -W Harvey Fierstein

Indeed madame.

And in my head I can just envision this mother with two teenagers… trying so very hard to teach them all that is important.  To enjoy life.  And never let anyone take away that magical gift.. of making your mark on the world.

What a lovely thing to come home to.  I think it just got a bit more cozy.

De-preciation

A text around 7pm on Valentines Day…

“Go to your front door please.”

I put some jeans on.  Wiped the tears from my eyes.  I could barely breathe.  It had been a day of harsh reflections.  This Valentines Day, as cheesy as it sounds, I was going to be my own Valentine.

Sitting in the corner were a few things: the newest issue of The Walking Dead, Batman #686, a sticker, and a heart shaped locket.

“Where are you?” I texted back.

“I thought I was ready to see you.  Waited for a bit for someone to open the door.  But then lost my confidence.”

It’s been a month.  And time does not seem to heal these wounds for so much bittnerness hath been created.

Against all other judgement.  Against my own judgement.  I started to fall deeper into an abyss.

A man who once showed so much strength and conviction to get through the days that it kept me moving… was a shadow now.  And for a craftsman of light such as I, it stung that much more.

He didn’t understand.

Months and months of him having little to no time for me.  I found myself losing myself.  Many nights, I cried myself to sleep wondering why this man who claimed that he loved me, and showered me with matierial affection, failed miserably where it counted most.  I stopped seeing friends as often.  Part responsibility.  Part sacrifice for him.

But then it became petty.

He was working so hard for that picket fence he said.   Toiling away for that bottom dollar.

Until the day where my best friend came back into town.  He’d been overseas for 6 months.  I wanted this boy to come meet him.  I wanted to have an evening out with 2 of my best boys.

I was thrown more bitterness.

I went through it anyway… the way I always knew how but didn’t always show I knew better.

I spoke to friends.

I went out.

I went to work.

I saved my money.

I cut back on the excess.

I cut back on everything.

I needed the time for myself.

To reflect and appreciate what mattered most.

“I’m raising my standards with people each time they piss me off… and they’re dropping like flies more and more.  I used to have 60 phone numbers in my phone.  It was all the people I’ve met in my life.  I now have 12.  So consider yourself lucky.  You’ve outlasted some amazing people.” my friend from a small town in Alaska (the same Sarah Palin is from) told me.

Because life has to go on.

Because you always have to be moving forward.

I stopped waiting around for someone who did not value my time.

I was alive again.

“Where are you?” I texted back.

“I thought I was ready to see you.  Waited for a bit for someone to open the door.  But then lost my confidence.”

Dear the grip,

I feel that you do not appreciate me.  When you truly love someone… this is not the proper way to behave.

I want to thank you for everything that you have done for me.  For everything that you are doing for me with the coorespondence we are still having.

You say you do not have confidence.

You say I hurt you by having… whatever moments that I have.  They are my moments.  They are the moments of the people I share them with.  They do not belong to you.

You choose to not be part of them.

You chose not to want to be here.

These, are… yours.

Free will.

Live the way you want to.

But live while you are living.

Lest you miss out on something wonderful.

Where the road will take us, for that I am uncertain.  I will be forthright and honest… I do not know if we shall walk this road together or if we shall part ways.  Perhaps for a little while.  Perhaps forever.  Perhaps for many lives to come.  For I cannot make promises or guarantees of anything.  That is something I have always been constant in telling you.

I love you.

I love you as a person.

But lovers we shall be?

Perhaps we both know the answers.

I guess time will tell though.

Because life has to go on.

Because you always have to be moving forward.

Free will.

Live the way you want to.

But live while you are living.

Lest you miss out on something wonderful.

[To be continued…]

The man/sir part 1

I broke a rule.

I got caught up in the daydreams.. that they became real as you did last night.

Sometime around midnight, after days and days.

“If we asked someone around us how long they think we’ve known each other, do you think any of them would get it right?”

He asked so many questions.  Like a child, forever eager to find out more.  His mind, a sponge.   Her eyes but a window to a soul far deeper than anyone (not even her) would ever really know.

They spoke in another language.  In so many words and then.. the silence. Perhaps that is what the lesson of the moment is.. to covet those moments of not knowing.  For if you only listen to the wind and the sea rushing to the shore, you will learn every secret the world has to offer.

It takes but a milisecond for change to grace.

He came into my existence like a hawk.

A hunter.

That I may be his prey.

He’d sent me a message earlier.

A half dozen letters were written back and forth.

A galla of texts to proceed thereafter.

They cherished this world of written words not to be belittled in the sterile composition of serifed format.

Their minds raced to be together.  And for moments encased in time they were with nary a care in the world to overcome them.

Moments of acceptance.

Of perfection and completion with their imperfections.

“Why did you do that in there?” I asked him about that first kiss.

He said “It was just a kiss.”

But in their eyes.. and in that silent still she knew it couldn’t be true. Or it shouldn’t be true.

He looked at her and said “Some things do not need answers.”

Perhaps the answers were already there right in front of them as the rest of the world blurred.

For three days I was graced by this phantom.

Three unbelievable days.

And one withstanding night.

“You remind me of someone I can’t remember.”

Yes indeed sir. Yes indeed.  And I will always remember you.  Forever this way, regardless what happens… I will greet thine encore with open arms if ye ever choose to return.

Despite.

Despite:

* my truck breaking down
* the DAY it decides to pour rain here after a gorgeous day yesterday
* my wonderful Vday “date” going wrong for reasons unknown
* in said truck
* on the way to work
* & being late for work today
* because of it [the truck not the boy stuff]
* and a million other things I can’t/won’t say right now…

The whole time I haven’t been able to do anything but smile and wish for 2 things:

I wish I

* had bought a pair of gloshes last week like I’d been thinking about for at least 2, for fashion & well because I’m just weird like that.
* & how much I couldn’t wait to get home
* to ride my bike
* and dance some more in the rain.

…To be continued…

For ~L.

In the early hours of Valentines Day, a certain someone saw this sitting on a chair in my room.

“Do you play?”
“I got it for Christmas. But no I haven’t started yet..”
“Start tomorrow.”
“But..well..”
“Start tomorrow.” L said.

This… is for you.

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To be continued…