for no reason

He claimed she was no one to him.

“Just a friend!  Just a friend!.. Who you’re probably jealous of.”

And admittedly I was.

Once upon a time.

In another time.

Now it’s a given that I date quite a bit.  Or rather, have dated quite a bit in the past.  It takes a lot to dazzle me.  I hadn’t found the person I was willing to be exclusive with.  I enjoy the single life far too much to be tied down with a ball and chain to someone less than extraordinary.

Once upon a time.

In another time.

I thought this man and I would one day be that exclusive couple.  But he was far too greedy as well, but wouldn’t admit it.  Our last sexual romp involved arguing about his philandering ways.

“No more. No more.”

“Yes mam'”

We pseudo parted ways.   Taking yet again another “time out” as it were.

Because that’s what you do when it’s more than just throws of passion under the sheets- however amazing as they may or may not have been.

Part of me craved that volatile relationship.

One upon a time.

In another time.

He ended up becoming official with this girl now.. who he’d claimed was only a friend.  He’d brought her to parties and functions… who did he think he was kidding by thinking everyone didn’t at least gather they had to be sleeping with each other.

She was local.  It was conveniently accessible.  He’s all about the convince.  We’ve been through this before, earlier in the year when the equivalent of his first love- someone he was previously engaged to but broke it off with.  He doesn’t pursue a challenge, or he didn’t before.

Now this current affair.  I don’t know a lot about her.  It’s not my business.  I will say this though… she seems to be amazing, talented, intelligent, funny and beautiful.  She is good for him.  They could potentially be good for each other.

So why when she was away did he so quickly have me in his bed?  Why continue this push and pull game with me?  Is it just sex?  It could very well be.  Then you add in other things…

A friend of mine and I had a falling out a bit ago.  Previously him and said friend didn’t care for each other.  Miraculously he messaged her soon after I told him that we had a falling out.  He’s quite manipulative and knows what hes doing.

Something that we had discussed since near the beginning of our courtship.. he was now talking about doing with her.  This.. girl he knew vaguely in instant messages versus me, whom he’d had a history with.

I was frustrated, but I let it go.  I let them both go.  I focused on other things.  I focused more on me.

I went down there again.  That place is home and I’m passionate about those events regardless if he’s there or not.  I went down there for my friends.  But most importantly, I went down there for me.

When I was there, I met someone that he was associated with.  Someone I’d heard of but hadn’t formerly met.  To Big, I was never interested in talking to him because you knew him at all.  It wasn’t a plot to try and make sure you were stuck dealing with me.  I just thought that person might be awesome and he is.

I didn’t approach Big at the party.  I let him be.  I didn’t want to intrude on him and his girlfriend.  I genuinely respect them.  I would like to get to know her better.  I hadn’t given her a chance before, and that was just me being a baby.

Something happened in the interim of a hug at a party to later that night.  I’m really not sure what exactly it was either.

He has since deleted me from all social networks and the one time I tried messaging him politely to find out his version of the story, I’m gathering that I was likely blocked.

I didn’t expect this to happen.  I expect little anymore.  I shouldn’t even give a care about that whole mess.  But for some reason.. I valued the friendship and time we had invested in each other.  I guess I’m just a masochist for letting it go but wishing things ended amicably.

Is it so wrong to want someone you cared about to be happy?  To walk away knowing you really did all that you could in order to make things…

Its amazing how when you let go, you realize how much you really were cheating yourself about.  Sure I’ve dated quite a few frogs.  I’ve met a few worthwhile princes.

And then I met my “princess.”

confessionizer:

i wish that i said goodbye instead of running away from our issues and text messaging you…
would things of been different? its the question I ask myself every second of the day… I MISS YOU.

Sometimes I wonder… why people do things like this.. and I think of the situation with “Big” & me.  There wasn’t a text message.  Hell, I’m not even sure what exactly transpired in the interim.  All I know, is that I did all I could do.  Most of the time I feel amazing about it.. but others, I wonder if things could have been different too.

Things with me and the grip are absolutely amazing- in that extremely cute but sickening kind of way.  It’s calming and non dramatic.  It’s this warm blanket of something so wonderful it almost feels surreal.

And yet, at the same time… it’s not chaotic.  It doesn’t feel completely challenging.  With “Big” it was this struggle of heart.  This tug of war because neither of us wanted to admit that we were powerless.

I let go.  I had the wind knocked out of me.  The drive home from home had hit me like a brick truck.  I drove in silence.  The sound of the road. The hum of the traffic. No music.  Just pavement and air.  Of puffs of cigarettes and pffff.

I need to have a beach day.  I need to run away to the one love affair that is both that volatile storm of passion and the crackling fireplace on a cold winter’s night.

I adore the grip.  I know that Big is wrong for me.  So why does this even phase me?  I think I need some ice cream and a good spanking. /calls the grip

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s