Chicken

Ever have a moment where you can taste your foot in your mouth?  Where it’s just so wedged in there that you feel like a complete jerk?  Enter another conversation with the dark horse, yet again about the friend, and another in a window with the girl.

The best day to talk to me is beach day.  It puts me in a complete moment of zen that nothing bad happening can phase me.  It helps me collect myself and gain composure.  It is my oasis.. it is my hideaway.  And it’s my self form of detoxing.

Two weeks of mini hiroshimas and this one coming around… I should have gone to the beach sooner.

There are more reasons why I’ve contemplated moving out of areas that I know anyone.  I’m fortunate enough to be surrounded by such wonderful people that sometimes, I think that I really need to go where I don’t have a support system so I can really feel the weight of my fuckups.  It would force me to be self accountable.

I got upset this week over petty silly things… over things that were all based in my own fuckups.  I’m not kidding when I say I’m a difficult pill to swallow.  I am a really shitty person when I feel you’ve wronged me.  I say spiteful things.  There’s a reason why people try not to upset me.  And I need to work on that.  Hell, there’s a lot of things I think that I should work on.

I’d like to think that I’ve come a long way after this divorce.  But I also think that I have a long way to go.

My reaction to what happened was…

I got a bigger chunk of the story from the dark horse.  It was something that I didn’t realized that I needed one of the guys she’d befriended in order to try and connect and see more about to do… the right thing.  He told me that he’d only talked to her because he had a crush on me, and that when he did, he talked about me.. and what I was like.  He had no intentions of doing anything with her.  She’d talked about my good intentions.  She had been sweet to me in ways that I hadn’t deserved.

I wish she could understand why I was so upset initially in the first place.  I don’t think she will.  But when I took a step back and looked at the stain window, now lying broken all over the floor… her intentions were never ill founded.  Why did it take a guy for me to realize things that I should have known in the first place?  It was me that was the asshole.  It was me that was in the wrong.

I’ve become so used to being treated like shit, that I learned to treat others like shit.  Whenever I have a relationship with someone genuinely nice, I am so nervous that something is going to happen, that it seems to bring every hole of self confidence out.  I’ve lashed out at people who care at me.  I guess I’m not completely fixed- and the ways I’m not, I’m better than to be falling to such ridiculous shortcomings.  At least I know where my problem is that I can avoid repeating it.

I took some time to reflect once again on the text that I’d gotten from my friend in Seattle.

I’m capable of so many grand things.  I’m smarter than how I’ve been acting.  And the reality of it is that I should have realized that before all of this happened…it never should have happened.

I feel as if I’ve fucked up 2 relationships… one potentially wonderful romance, and the best friend I’ve ever had.

Maybe I really didn’t deserve either of them.  Maybe I did but I should have treated them better.  Maybe both.  Maybe not just maybe.

I only can only hope that they could both forgive me, even though I don’t deserve it.  I hope they can see the other good in me… the ones that sparked their interest in a relationship in any way with me in the first place.

Day 2 of detoxing started early.  I’m going to take a shower and do some more of it now.  I told a little boy I was going to visit him today so I need to make good on my word.  People important to you need to be treasured.  It’s time I really start doing it better.  It’s time for me to be the better person I know that I’m capable of.

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