emotional masochism

Where’s the line?

Way over there most of the time.

As a fetishist… as a bit of a deviant… the buck doesn’t stop there. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- I’m looking for that brutal prince. Nice guys finish last- unless balanced with the proper degree of douchebaggery.

“Fucked up is the new awesome.”

Indeed. But not new for me.

I give so many people more credit than they deserve. I rarely catagorize someone as a lost cause. It just doesn’t work for me. Ah yes, I’m emotionally masochistic. However, I’m well aware of it, and not as vulnerable as one would think.

“It’s only being used if you are not aware of what’s going on.” I recently told a friend.

I firmly believe that.

Everytime I go into any relationship or dating situation- I am in constant observation mode.

I deal with bullshit, yes. But I also put my foot down.

I am frighteningly perceptive and intuitive. What you see on the outside.. is only a small bit of the collection of rabbit holes in my mind. If I’ve fucked up socially or otherwise, I am my worst enemy. I bounce back, despite celebrity style escapades.

I’ve become so used to things being this way, that when a genuinely nice guy comes into the picture that treats me pseudo conventional good-esque, it boggles me. Like this week with the dark horse… and what’s worse, is I also find myself most attracted to the ones who are not local.

Single life is amazing. I wouldn’t have it any other way in some ways. I truly enjoy this cat and mouse game. But when the day comes around when…

I want to be ready. Who knows when that will be. Only time will tell right?

10 thoughts on “emotional masochism

    • I am a Gemini too and thought I had invented the words “emotional masochist” lol. I guess I’m not alone…wait…I am alone…boo hoo. 🙂

  1. For 2.7 seconds I saw the perfect oppurtunity to get in contact with you, fitting this description, then remembered it was public.

  2. I consider myself an emotional masochist…at least I think. I love the initial bliss of something new as much as anyone, but I think I need to be heartbroken. It seems to be a more intense feeling. If heartbroken is not an option (as that takes another person) loneliness also does the same thing to a degree. I still long for people and develop the occasional “crush” or at the least am affection and while part of me wants it, there is another that wants it to remain hopelessly out of reach. This isn’t anything that I would intimate with anyone as I am not looking for pity, it’s just that I need that extreme feeling of hurt…anyone else feel me?

    • yes ,me, its odd but i also keep loving loneliness and depression for no pity of course, a silent martyr maybe, suffering in vaine for an own cause (love), at first it was unvoluntary but now i just want it this way, even love its just an oportunity to be rejected luckly and go back to sadness again, i dont know, maybe were just damaged peoples. odd but i also want to suffer and cry and sleep a lot and have no hopes

    • I feel exactly what you feel. I just recently came to this new term. And to the possible realization that I too might be this. I feel like I am understood now, and not alone.

  3. @ Clay: I feel the exact same way.

    My situation is that.. well, I’m in a good situation. My relationship is awesome, we love eachother.. but I always feel the need to have it hurt me. Not physical, of course. Not for me. xD

    But like.. I always think about what it would be like if I was heartbroken, and then I was cheered up again by someone for a short amount of time. I sometimes think I /want/ to be depressed. Just a week or so ago I couldn’t find anything to be angry or sad at. So, I decided I’d be angry and sad BECAUSE of that. If that made any sense.. xD

  4. genuinely nice guy myself but I can relate totally…. Emotional masochism was something I developed as a response to unwarranted cruelty, which happens all the time.

  5. Darling people… let me please add my name to this list of emotional masochists out there…

    I am both emotionally and physically a masochist (woohoo!). I crave extreme experiences to the mind, body and soul… I hate confessing to the fact that very little else satisfies me.

    Although, I am quite proud of this as it is something that makes me who I am, (a unique and powerful individual… as you all are 🙂

    Cheers Everyone… and don’t let your cravings get you down… unless of course that turns you on. 😉

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