the subtle, and not so subtle art of boyfriend positioning

Sadly, I’m coming across more and more men who are playing the “dumb” card in regards to the game. Yet if you ask most women,(hell every woman I talked to regarding the subject) they’re all too familiar with it. Even more so if they are a combination or either of the following:

  • attractive
  • and/or have a lot of guy friends.

The art of friends zoneing is one that women have tried to perfect for centuries. But then men enter the space, and insist on trying to buck it. As per one of my favorite theories, (here in a different form since the original site seems to be having an issue) it’s a long way down the abyss in between. And some masochists seem to enjoy being repeatedly kicked in.

So what is boyfriend positioning exactly? It’s the equivalent of pissing on a girl and claiming your territory.

Picture this: In a normal situation, when going out with your significant, it’s common when sitting down to place yourself accordingly. You’re in close quarters. You make sure that your chairs are ever so close together. The invisible bubble of space, becomes much smaller, to non existent. There’s certain things that you do… little affectionate touches… making sure your date is comfortable… insert nauseating rainbow vomit things. The point being- there’s no doubt to an outsider that you are together. It’s a mutual showing. This is yours.

Now enter that into a friend situation. One guy has clearly made his intentions known. He starts positioning himself in said position. Starts attempting to do said things. He skoots his chair close to yours. Always makes sure that you’re not on the odd side of the table. He’s putting the vibe out. And he’s cockblocking. Weather or not he’s doing it intentionally or just says hes not, he totally is. Getting away is half the “fun” as you have all the benefits of Coyote Ugly minus the getting laid part.

Add to it the other subtle ways of subliminal cockblocking… because realistically, when the person is doing that, they’re generally doing much more, and you have a mighty fun predicament on your hands. It’s highly annoying for both parties. More so generally (I’m admittedly biased) for the girl because all the girl generally wants is a “normal” friendship. By rejecting the guy, even politely, their ego is bruised. No guy ever wants to be in the friends zone, unless the woman is completely hideous… and even then, it’s just a matter of how many beers until you become the princess capable of one up’ing.

The bottom line: the truth of the matter is that there is no such thing as a purely platonic relationship with the opposite sex. From a completely carnal standpoint, it is impossible. The trick is learning to chill your nads for a long enough period of time so as not to fuck up (literally) an otherwise awesome friendship. Which can be quite a task to balance indeed sometimes actually… not that I have any idea about that one. *whistles innocently and goes off to run errands*

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