Not surprisingly, yet another one I’m finding out. I’ve been home a few days, but it’s already happening again. I think I’ve surpassed my quota for the week. It’s an epidemic apparently.
I’ve been told that I have this look about me.. something in my eyes that says… there’s something a bit off about me… and it’s something that you really want to know more about.
I’ve found that when I wear no makeup, I get hit on considerably more. Perhaps its more noticable because I don’t do it that often. I have been compared on numerous occassions to having skin as fair as a china doll.
Today I made a commitment to a more organic persona. Healthier foods lead to better breeding. I don’t need all of that.. and I’m throwing some of the extra away.
I don’t have a problem when I date. I really never have. My only “complaint” is that I tend to get caught up in being the “dirty little secret.” I seem to be a magnet for every unavailable man in.. well.. I’d be more of a metroblogger if I lived in the metro.
I go on secret rondevous. Married men. Couples. Swingers. Successful businessmen. Closet fetishists.
I am a sexual confessional.
I say I want someone that’s not fucked up.. however… I want -pretty much the exact opposite in some regards.. because, well.. in order to deal with me, you’d likely have to be.* (see yesterdays blog)
This week with my roommate situation down in San Diego.. it turned haywire. Yet another case of, awesome, I need to add gay to the requirements when I look for a roommate. I thought the way I wrote the ad would be good enough to keep the freaks away. Damn me for putting my twitter on the ad… heh.
me: by the time i got to sd, it was late in the day
me: i could only apply to a few jobs
me: i called my soon to be roommate
me: we ended up hanging out and smoking up
me: the roommate was a couple
me: his gf was on a cruise
me: he got stoned and stupid
me: and honest
me: the “i love my gf, but i love cunt” comment came out
me: me-“So you’re 20 something and afraid of that big C word.. but not the little c word. thats natural”
me: apparently im like talking to a dude, but i have a vagina and all that
me: “me and my girlfriend are wanting to experiment.. she wants to fulfill all my fantasies” /winks at me
me: me-“heh. you should let her! i think thats awesome.”
me: and it went on like that
me: (i wasnt going to blog about them, but since they ended up backing out of renting me the apartment, im going to.
me: so we went to get some food
me: he asked me what i wanted and named some choices of places
me: he said italian and my mind was totally grub about some lasagna
me: however i walked into that one
me: “yeah, i could go for some italian..”
me: “hey aren’t you italian?”
me: hes a typical nerd.. but that was goober lineish
me: so we go in
me: and we’re talking.. and hes stoned off his mind but im pretty much competely coherant. bc its more fun to watch them be dumbasses, and i had fully intended on driving home later
me: he said
me: “well what is it that you want..”
me: me- “to come down here and get my bills paid, be in the city i love, and as free of complications as possible other than that..”
me: vague yes, as the question, he admitted was vague
me: me-“i dont want any problems for you & your gf. im seeing someone right now, and i date anyway. im just laid back and it takes a lot to really bother me”
me: awesome so here we are stuck in this awkward dinner
me: i somehow managed to get him to pay for it
me: i had intended to pay my share
me: while i dont feel like people should be taken advantage when theyre vulnerable
me: and while his demeaner and what he was saying.. propositioning or not didnt honestly bother me, as it has happened.. deja vu.. perhaps.. a few times
me: i figured
me: the least i could get was dinner right?
me: again i say..
me: i told him that i needed to leave.. that i had to be at work later that night, etc. he offered me to “stay if i needed to”
me: i left and drove till i couldnt drive anymore
Scandalous as a moniker.. as much as I may or may not agree that it may be quite accurate in some… I want to be… all of that desire and enigma without people thinking they have to hide me from the ___ and the ___. I want to be shown off.. I want to be dazzled. I want everyone to see that. And I want a man who will be man enough, and preferrably not fucked up enough to give me that much. Because anything else.. should be unacceptable.
I’m worth more than this bullshit. Man up boys. The microscope o’standards to be with me just got even worse.
One day you’ll find someone who’ll treat you better….or maybe they’ll become your dirty little secret.
The last two years of my life I’ve been the dirty little secret, and it’s made me question whether or not I’m truly interested in finding someone I can actually be with. The jury is still out. Unfortunately, if you’re someone’s dirty little secret there’s usually a pretty darn good reason as to why they *need* you be a secret.