countdown- part one

me (6/18/2008 1:54:42 PM): i have that apt regardless if i pass the credit check. i just got an email about it.
me (6/18/2008 1:55:03 PM): this could really be happening finally. /blinks
????(6/18/2008 1:55:12 PM): bout time huh?
me (6/18/2008 1:55:20 PM): yeah.. no kidding

I had the talk with my dad yesterday.  It wasn’t pretty.  I’m working on some things to further solidify the move now.  Getting the place was the most difficult part of it.  He’s very worried.  But this is none of his consern.  I tried talking to him civily about it.  He refuses to listen.

We went to a family function yesterday.  I was invisible there.

“Don’t you want to stay so you can come to more of these?”

“No dad, I can get snubbed by strangers just the same.. I’ll pass.  I’m going to go where I know I am happiest.  You are just going to have to accept it.”

In a mode of desperation, he shoves an ad for an apartment he’d seen in the Pennysaver.

“Look, this is local and cheaper.  You should call.  In fact, call right now…”

I looked at the paper. I lowered my head and looked down.  And then I caught myself.  Deja vu.  No no no no.  Not again.  I was falling for yet another guilt trip about my choices when I’m an adult and working my ass off.  I’m not wrong here.  If it’s going to be hard, its a choice that I’m accepting.  This is adulthood.  And I’m stronger than this bullshit.

I looked up at my dad and gave him back the paper.

“No, dad.  This is something amazing.  This is something I want that I’m working hard for… and I’ve prayed about it.. I’ve asked karma about this.. if it’s meant to happen now.. to let it happen.. and it’s falling into place.  I need to do this.  You need to trust me… have faith in me.. let me go.  I’ll be ok.”

In my dad’s mind, I could envision see him seeing his missing two front teeth pigtailed girl standing in front of him telling him this.  It has to be hard on him.  I know that it is.  I feel bad because deep down, my daddy is my hero.  I know he’s conserned.  That letter was extremely hard to write for me.

I wish that I could tell him all of the things that are racing through my mind in this anticipation.  I can’t.  Not yet.

And now the process of closing chapters goes further and further into place.  The journey back home.. is almost complete.  I need to tie some ends up here.. and then.. I can get started on the next chapter of my life.. ironically.. it’s where the story started a little over a year ago.  I never thought it would end there… or rather.. begin.  But life has an interesting way of turning out huh?)

/clicks heels and sets the countdown