I know that you don’t always understand me. I know that you don’t always care for me. But I know at the end of the day you love me.
Today is your day. And for years.. it’s always been your day.
My wedding day.. was your day. The day my first child was born… your day. When I got married and had that picket fence… went about the lifestyle choices that I thought were what you’d always wanted for me… what you taught me to always strive to attain… I looked back in the rearview mirror and smiled.
I always hoped that you would be proud of me for more than just one day. It seems no matter how much I push myself, it’s never good enough for you. In a twisted sort of way, I’m thankful that you thought enough of me to do that. I know that part of the reason I’m so drawn to the men that I am, is because I find traits of you in them.
Dear daddy.. I know you know more than you should. But my business is my business. This barely conserns you. I know that you are worried about me. I know that you want good things for me. I know that you think your way is the best way.
But it’s not the way for me. It’s not what I want.
So for the first time in my life…
I’m going to do something I know will disappoint you.
I’m going to say goodbye.
I need to do this. I will do whatever I have to. And I’m going to do it without your help… without your blessing. I’ve learned.. that I really shouldn’t need it. That part of being a grown up, is standing up to people and doing what you believe to be right. I have done it to most everyone in my life so far.. lovers, friends, aquaintences, business colleges, etc… but I have never really done it to you.
The time of being a scared little girl in pigtails is over now. It’s changing. I’m a grown woman now. And I’m strong because of me.. because of you.. because of the choices that have hardened me. I think this is one of those choices.
I will miss the times you made me laugh.. made me smile… made me feel like I was something special to you. And if part of me is hoping that perhaps someone someday may find me special too… I think.. I know that’s natural.
I’ve learned to control the switch. I’ve learned so much over the years. You tell me that it’s ok to be me.. but then you tell me there must be something wrong with me. But there’s nothing wrong with me being an individual.. I’m unique just like everyone else.
I know that when a lover calls me a “pain in the ass” I must be doing something right. Why? Because I know how much you love me, and you still say that. And I know I’m a difficult pill to swallow.
your choice of one life that “could” be very happy in time… the conventional right one… the easy, safe choice.
Or mine… finding a way… going against the grain… to make myself happier now.. to maintain that… the difficult one.
you said that I always had to do things the hard way.
Guess which one I’m intending on making.
I would love and appreciate your support and respect. I honestly don’t think you have any clue what the latter is when it pertains to your daughter. If this is what it takes you to learn that… then you win. It’s not personal.. alright so it is.. the point is that it’s my business.
Now I’m working on finding the way.. with or without you.
Happy Father’s Day.
Ps- I’m not going to church with you because I’m looking for jobs where I want to live. (If anyone in Sd is hiring and reading this, pls let me know by the way)
Jena (your artistic “fuckup” daughter)